Only The Trees Know, page 23
I hadn’t wanted to touch Parker and Zoe when I’d killed them. They’d been easy. I’d been too pissed off to care beyond snuffing out their miserable existences.
Liam was different. I needed to keep him close. I needed to make sure his hold on me broke. And I wanted him to know just how much he meant to me even in these final moments. Without doing this, I’d always be tied to him. I’d always live wondering how I’d be different if I could escape the universe he’d created for me. He’d dug himself into me that at this point, this was the only way to untangle myself.
He had to go.
“Josiah?” he asked.
“Shush,” I said, like one would calm a child.
None of my reasoning stopped the fact that I didn’t want to kill him. I was doing this because I loved him. We both deserved better. This was a gift.
I wondered if he realized what was happening. I hoped that he didn’t. Or maybe I did? I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. So I just continued, because that seemed right.
Before he could move another step, I pulled the knife out and sank it into him again. The push forward with my knife seemed easier this time. Again and again. Over and over.
I almost stopped. Every time I sliced into his chest I felt like I sliced off a piece of myself. It was the most difficult thing I’d ever done. And I found myself crying. That surprised me. With the others I hadn’t felt much besides satisfaction. Killing Liam had me near to breaking.
Still, I continued.
At first the stabs were controlled, easy pushes into his body. But he finally realized what was happening and began to fight me.
My knife slashed wildly at that point. It kept finding him, knowing that he had to die. That it was better for the both of us if he was free.
I almost felt jealous of it. I wanted to be free too. It was unfair he’d get to touch the bliss before I could. Thoughts of joining him started to dance in my mind, but I managed to push them away.
Not yet.
He’d struggled for a long time, thrashed and hit me. “Why are you doing this?” he screamed. Tears and snot covered his face and blood soon joined it.
It was as if I weren’t myself anymore. I was the angel of death. The vengeance that he had coming to him. I was the hand of God.
The whispers, they told me that I did the right thing. For once we were all in agreement.
Blood dripped everywhere. It coated the palm of my hand, making the knife slippery.
“Why, why, why?” he chanted after he’d stopped fighting and instead weakly grasped my arms.
“Because,” I said as if that was an explanation. And that had to be enough. Because. There was too much, too many words and feelings between us. This was the only way to make it stop. Liam was an addiction. Either he ended, or I did.
When he was gone, I wouldn’t have this torment anymore. I could go back to being me. Not just being an extension of him. I wouldn’t feel guilty, promising myself that he deserved this. All his games had made me crazy. They’d messed up my mind until all I could think about was him.
And that wasn’t fair; he couldn’t own me. He’d pushed me to this.
I stopped at some point, pulling back when he no longer reached for me. I didn’t know how many times I’d stabbed him. There were cuts across his arms, and chest, and face. They were everywhere. It was difficult to look at him.
Turning away, I left to go bury the knife. If I died along side him, as I was pretty sure would happen at this point, I didn’t want to be remembered as a killer. This was between Liam and I. I’d dug the hole before I’d attacked Liam. I’d been prepared for everything except for the loss that I felt now. I couldn’t believe that I’d actually done it. I’d talked myself out of it nearly a hundred times, even after I’d killed Parker and Zoe.
For a little while I almost made myself believe that I could overlook his indiscretion. But he was also the one who’d betrayed me the most, and that I could never forgive.
After I buried the knife, I used a large stone to cover the disturbed earth. I made sure there were no tracks to lead to him. No one would ever be able to find it. I doubted even I would be able to once I left this place. Nothing would tie me back to Liam, or to the others. I’d made sure. I’d been so careful.
Now all that was left was for me to die alongside him.
When I came back to him, I was surprised that Liam was still hanging on. Blood pooled around him. His eyes were open, staring at the sky, and his hands splayed wide.
My heart broke when I realized that this was it. I couldn’t take this back. He was forever going to be separated from me. For that inkling of a heartbeat I wished I hadn’t sealed his fate.
I fell down to my knees beside him and touched his face, his arms. Everything was cold. I cried over him, repeating all the lies he’d ever said to me. That everything was going to be okay.
He gasped for breath, choking on his blood.
My tears felt like a river of fire as they flowed out of me. Wet drops fell down my face, blurring my vision. I cried for him and for me. For everything we had lost and everything we’d never be able to have. I couldn’t help it. He was my sun, and I was going to live in a world of darkness forever. In that second I realized that I’d never have a moment of peace again.
“I’m releasing you,” I said.
I felt him dying in my arms. The richness of his life slipped away. Inside me everything died too. Everything that was tied to him—everything good and pure.
Leaning down I brushed my lips against his. His lips were parted and cold.
“We’ll get help,” I said, the lie coming easily. “It’s going to be okay.”
He couldn’t have believed my words. But I still said it. If it brought him some sort of peace, I could do this for him. I could be this liar.
I whispered my truth into his ear, “I love you.”
Grief overtook me. The heaviness of what I’d done finally sinking in. Any second now he’d be gone. There would be no more Liam. No more me. We could both finally let go and be free.
Also by Heather Hansen
The Breaking Light
The Stolen Sky
About the Author
Heather Hansen was born in California, the oldest of five children. She always knew she wanted to be a writer, and she wrote her first book, a murder mystery in the style of Agatha Christie, in seventh grade. Unfortunately, she never could figure out who the murderer was, so the book went on for hundreds of pages, introducing new characters only to kill them off in the most gruesome ways her twelve-year-old imagination could invent. Her teacher was equally impressed and horrified.
Heather has a degree in English from California State University Fullerton and has traveled the world with her husband, a retired Marine. Her favorite place they’ve lived is Okinawa, Japan, where she had her choice of ramen, Japanese curry, and sushi every day. She now lives in Las Vegas, where she spends her time working a corporate job, writing and eating Nutella with a spoon.
Heather Hansen, Only The Trees Know
