Only The Trees Know, page 22
His gaze returned to mine, and he bit his lip.
I felt a twinge of… something.
Viciously I pushed it down. Ignoring anything to do with mercy and forgiveness. He’d chosen this. It was his masochism that kept bringing him back to me.
Liam wanted to blame me. Wanted me to be the root of all his problems. Yet it wasn’t true. I’d tried to walk away over and over.
It was a no-win situation for the both of us. That we’d let it go on for this long showed how weak we were. How much we needed the other to be miserable to make ourselves feel better.
The chasm had grown ever wider between us over the last few months even though we’d held on. Gripping one another until someone had to let go or we both would drown. And when we did finally sever the connection, the snap of that tension would reverberate and shatter both of us.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
NOW…
My heart pounded. I could barely hear anything over it. I wiped my wet palms on my slacks but that didn’t seem to get rid of the sweaty tackiness that had accumulated. The moment my life would change was upon me, and I felt too lightheaded to focus on it.
In the next few minutes I’d either be free or at the very least be incarcerated for the rest of my natural born life. That is, if they didn’t manage to get permission to inject me with death juice.
No matter what the verdict was, after this everything would be different. Nothing would ever be normal again. Even if I managed to beat the charges, I would constantly be watched and whispered about. Forever labeled as the one who got away.
The courtroom had become loud when everyone started to arrive. It was like a wave, the majority of the spectators coming at once. They all looked my way, giving their opinions on my guilt loud enough for me to hear.
I gazed straight ahead to the empty judge’s box. My stomach knotted and I shook. I gripped my hands into fists, willing them to be still.
Don’t let them see you break.
I wanted to run. Go somewhere, anywhere. Run out of the courthouse or even back to my cell, somewhere without cameras and without people. Without their judgment and their constant stares.
Behind me people took their seats, shifting for a better look. The attorneys for the prosecution arrived, speaking together in low tones. News crews moved into position outside the courthouse, while the camera pool inside pointed their lenses toward me. The images would be streamed over YouTube and every news station would receive a copy. Taped to rerun for a lifetime. I’d forever be the poster boy for misspent youth. The devil that parents would warn their children not to friend.
The judge arrived, and the jury shuffled in, and we were underway. There was no escape now. I was caught in a web of deceit and lies, ambition and failure, stupid decisions—all of my own making.
Everything moved in slow motion. The world buzzed around me, and I remained locked at its center.
I paid attention as much as I could. But honestly, it was impossible. I panted slowly, sucking air and drowning, not wanting to pass out.
“Has the jury reached a verdict?” Judge Wallis asked.
The words jolted me out of my haze. I looked up. The paper with the verdict recorded on it passed between the jury foreman to the bailiff to the judge who read it silently, before passing it to the court officer who would read it out loud. I watched it the whole time as it passed from person to person.
Judge Wallis’ face gave away nothing. He remained stoic and cold, completely blank. He nodded one single dip of his head after reading the verdict before passing it on.
My gut twisted tighter. The cage of my body shrinking, squeezing me.
Behind me the gallery rustled in their seats in the otherwise silent courtroom.
“The accused will rise for the reading of the verdict,” the bailiff said.
I managed to stand on shaky legs. Straightening them, I locked my kneecaps.
Around me, my team stood, flanking me on all sides. There were more than Dawson and Number Two. Several of the law clerks who’d babysat me from time to time had joined our ranks.
They didn’t offer me words of support.
I closed my eyes.
The court officer read in a loud clear voice, “Count one, Murder in the First Degree in regard to Parker Crandall, we the jury find the defendant: not guilty.”
I couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t make sense of the words. I didn’t hear anything at that point. Everything buzzed, a white noise filling my head.
Filtering through, “… count two … Zoe Adler… not guilty.”
Not guilty. Could I dare believe that I might actually get out of this? No, I couldn’t celebrate yet. The last one was the worst. Parker and Zoe’s deaths could be explained, could be written off as horrible accidents, a coincidence of bad luck. Liam’s death had been murder.
“Count three,” the court officer continued.
My breath stuttered out. Oh God. I could not do this. I swayed, my head light, my throat tight. Panic like a bird unfurling, puffing feathers into my sternum.
“… In regard to Liam Kirkpatrick, find the defendant…”
Blackness crept in behind my eyes. Focus. FOCUS. Don’t pass out now.
“Not guilty.”
Air rushed from my lungs. Did I hear the words? Or were they imagined because that’s what I’d wanted so desperately? The world tilted and I started to fall. I made no effort to catch myself. I couldn’t force my limbs to respond.
Hands reached out to steady me. They stayed on me, pushing me upright before shoving me down into a chair. My head positioned between my knees while the attorneys created a barrier of bodies to circle me, hiding me from the cameras.
Hands on me, they murmured words. Of congratulations. Of concern over my fainting. Of joy.
“Congratulations,” Number Two said. “Does it feel amazing?”
Did it?
I didn’t know what I felt. It wasn’t relief. Disbelief, maybe? It didn’t seem real. This whole thing—the entire trial, my life since the incident—hadn’t felt real. Maybe it never would.
I looked up into their smiling faces. Dawson shook hands with his team. Everyone was excited.
I was confused.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
DURING THEN…
IN THE FOREST
Iseethed.
The knife in my hand flicked out and back. Out and back. The sliding click-click-click held me mesmerized. The sharp blade reflected the firelight. Silvery metal that I couldn’t keep my gaze from. It was gorgeous.
It fit my hand like as second limb. It had constantly been in the palm of my hands. For years since I’d been gifted it, comforting me. Whispering promises that someday it would take my pain away. And I believed in it.
I ran my thumb along the flat side of the blade feeling its cool kiss and promise. This trip had only served to feed my anger. Every moment of heart wrenching pain had beat down to this.
I hated every one of them. If they were gone, all my problems would be too.
Parker would stop fucking robbing me. He was a liar and a thief. I think he really believed he was entitled to my money. Maybe he wanted my life. As if he deserved to have everything I had. Did he even know it was a fantasy? That my life was a lie?
Liam would stop pressuring me and ripping my fucking heart out. He gutted me over and over every day. Never feeling bad about it. Always wanting to hurt me.
And Zoe deserved everything she got for touching Liam. That bitch had it coming even before she’d screwed me over. She played a game she had no hope of winning. I’d let her cut me and cut me. But no more. Things were going to be different.
Liam and Zoe were making out across the fire. They’d stepped up their game as if they weren’t angering me off enough.
They weren’t going to squeeze a reaction from me.
Zoe’s back was to me. Liam had his fingers threaded through her hair. She broke away from his mouth and kissed down the side of his neck.
His eyes were closed, his head back. Then he straightened, his chin lowering. He opened his eyes and stared straight at me. He watched me over the flickering of the firelight, his eyes full of heat and anger.
I didn’t bother to look away. Why should I? I wasn’t the one who should be embarrassed. I wasn’t the one who was the filthy liar, who deserved to rot. He should crawl over here on his hands and knees to beg my forgiveness. Then I immediately thought better of that. If he did that, the others would know.
I wondered what he felt with her. If he enjoyed it. If he could switch so easily between us, he couldn’t feel anything real for me. Did being with her feel as satisfying as lying in my arms?
Then Liam winked at me.
Fucking bastard.
How dare he. I was sick of his taunting. I wouldn’t allow him to do it anymore. To look at me with those deceptive eyes and lying lips. Try to touch me and leave the imprint of his soul on my skin.
I couldn’t allow him to consume me like this anymore. Eat me alive and spit me out. My resolve must have shown on my face, all of the anger and hatred I felt. Because the more pissed I got, the wider he grinned.
“Dude, you look upset,” Parker said, bringing me out of my thoughts. He fell down beside me, kicking his legs out.
“No.” Furious, that was a better adjective.
“Right,” he said, rolling his eyes. Then he looked over and studied Liam and Zoe. “You’re gonna let him play you like that?”
I made a noncommittal noise.
“They keep waiting for you to freak out. That’s why they do it.”
I wasn’t stupid. I knew that. “Sorry for disappointing.”
We were silent for a while, watching. Liam went back to kissing Zoe. Now that Parker was next to me, he didn’t want to stare anymore, apparently.
“Think they’ll let us join?” Parker asked.
“What?” I asked. Shocked and more than furious that he would dare to suggest something like that.
Parker shrugged. “It’s not like you haven’t had her. Seems like I should get a turn.”
I made a face but otherwise stayed silent.
Parker’s mouth stretched in a smile. “You wouldn’t care as long as it wasn’t Liam.”
I reacted badly. Jumping a bit, my eyes flying open. I forced myself to still, to breathe, to relax back into a slouch.
It didn’t work.
Parker grinned now. He knew he’d caught me. Loved the fact that I squirmed.
He’d pay for that. They all would.
“I found something else in my bag,” I said.
Parker laughed, letting go of the Liam conversation and slapping me on the back. “I knew you had more.”
“Yeah.” I pulled a pill bottle from my pocket, tossing it over. “There you go, dude. Enjoy yourself. I brought it special just for you.”
Chapter Forty
NOW…
The camera flashes popped in my eyes brighter than the sun. I put my hand up to block them.
Too much. Everything overwhelmed me.
How was I supposed to address my verdict without processing it first? I was beyond words, really. I had nothing to say. That didn’t seem to matter. I found myself shoved to the front of the group. Hands grabbed me, pushing at my back and arms.
We stood on the steps of the courtroom. My skin felt chilled. I still hadn’t gotten over the sick that had twisted my gut before the verdict. And my insides hadn’t settled. I didn’t believe that the jury had let me go. I kept waiting for someone to call me back. For the bailiff or even the detectives to run after me. To be put in chains and led back to my concrete cell where I’d be locked away forever.
It was difficult to reconcile that with being outside for the first time in almost a year. The sunshine felt too bright, too hot. Everything was too loud. Voices spoke over others, making a cacophonous sound that hurt my ears.
Questions from the crowd were screamed at me but I didn’t hear them. They were just words that didn’t make sense. They all asked variations of the same thing, only louder and more aggressive than the last.
I hated this out of control feeling. Of not knowing what to do. I still wanted to run, as I had before the verdict. The desire was even worse now. I now had a freedom that was not free. Because I was still stuck here, under my father’s thumb, trapped by rabid reporters, and everyone still wanted a piece of me.
Thankfully Dawson moved in front of me up to the group of microphones. He put his hand up, trying to silence the crowd. Perhaps I wouldn’t have to speak today after all.
Even I knew the futility of that wish.
Dawson began, smiling for the first time since the trial started, “We’re ecstatic about the jury’s decision to exonerate Josiah Harrison. They made the right choice.”
There were a few scattered cheers. I wasn’t sure if it was because no one believed I was innocent, or if it was because the news people bullied themselves to the front, crowding out the protesters and my supporters.
I didn’t hear Dawson’s answers as he fielded questions. I was too shell shocked. It came as a surprise when I realized that my father had materialized beside me. He placed a hand on my back and turned away from the camera so his lips couldn’t be read when whispered to me, “Answer their questions and make it good.”
I realized that Dawson was just finishing up and had begun to thank the reporters.
My father pushed me forward into the spot Dawson vacated.
The crowd erupted with excitement.
I could only focus on my father as he stood like a wall behind me. It felt as if he’d given me this moment to prove myself. To see if I could be the son he wanted. Raising my chin, I looked out over the crowd.
The questions started spewing.
“What are you going to do now, Josiah?” one reporter asked, louder than the rest.
I had no idea. Absently I shook my head while I searched for an answer. “What I should have done before all this happened: I’m gonna figure out how to live my best life.”
Chapter Forty-One
THEN…
IN THE FOREST
Ileaned into Liam, kissing him. I could taste the salt from his tears and felt when he relaxed against me. I wanted this. I needed to remember every second so that I could replay it later. To memorize every brush of lips and the warmth of his breath against my skin when he panted.
The moan he let out when he was too gone with need. I even wanted that, his surrender.
This would be the last time. It was a reality that was hard to accept. But a reality nonetheless. And it made me sad.
Still, I hesitated. The conflict crippled me. Liam was my best friend and letting go of that was proving difficult.
If I just took care of it, I would feel better. The decision would be made, and there would be no going back. And hopefully that would bring me peace.
I’d let him live past when I’d decided to kill him. Mostly because my plan had gone to shit and he’d reminded me how close we once were. How much I needed him.
That was also why I had to do this now. I knew that I needed to get it over with. The longer I waited, the more he’d suck me into his sphere again. I couldn’t allow that. He was too much of a temptation for me.
Walking that tightrope of wondering if we’d be rescued and knowing I had to do it was stressing me out. I could wait until he died naturally, since I was probably going to die too. But in the end I decided that he owed me. By doing this, I would prove to myself that I was stronger than his hold on me.
We were back inside the cave again. And now that we were touching, the enclosed space finally felt warm.
I reached forward to run my thumb along the crest of his cheek. His skin was so soft.
Liam looked at me with big, wet eyes. “I’m scared.”
“I know.” I couldn’t move from him. He devastated me in so many ways. Even he didn’t know the true extent of how much he owned me. How deeply I loved him.
I kissed him again. This was solely for me, because I was a selfish fucker.
Liam pulled away. “We have to get out of here.”
“Where do you want to go?”
Liam cried out. “I can’t do this anymore, Josiah. I can’t sit here and wait to be killed. It’s freaking me out.”
I sighed then. That was my cue. I needed to help him through this. To show him that he could be strong in death. This was my final act of love for him. “Okay, let’s go then.”
He nodded.
We crawled out of the cave and I took his hand as we stood in the sunshine. He smiled at me. It wasn’t one of his carefree smiles. This one was dimmed with fear and exhaustion. But still devastating nonetheless.
“I have something for you.” My heart thundered in my chest. I hoped that he couldn’t hear it. I didn’t want him to see it coming. The last thing I wanted to do was to cause him more fear. “Something that’s going to make it all better.”
He looked to me, his eyes wide and trusting. And still he said, “Nothing can make this better.”
“You don’t know that.”
He gave an unhinged laugh. “Nothing you can do is going to save us.”
Well, that part was true. We were both doomed. Fucked beyond saving.
I pulled him closer, until very little space remained between us. I wanted him to be a part of me, but that wasn’t what he needed. So I left just enough for me to move my arm, to bring my hand up between us, and sink the knife into his stomach.
It was quick. I wanted it to be painless, though maybe a little pain was good too. It would remind him that he’d lived a good life, a full one that he should be proud of.
Liam made a little gasping choke full of surprise. He pulled back and I let him go. His mouth parted and his eyes were wide.
The knife shook in my hand. Stabbing him nearly undid me. My own gut clenched as if the knife had been meant for me. I could almost feel the smooth bite of it and the pain left behind. It felt like killing a piece of myself.
