Only The Trees Know, page 15
The last thing I wanted or needed was to engage in this discussion. I had nothing with which to defend myself or prove my innocence, of which there was none. I was guilty of loving Liam. At least I loved someone. My father didn’t even love me.
Outing myself was counterproductive. I could not let my father know how scared I was that he’d learn the truth. I had to keep my secrets even when they already felt exposed and oozing.
Imaginary Liam was here too, of course. But that wasn’t a comfort for me. He did more to spin me up than to calm me. I didn’t want him to see this. The words would hurt him as much as they hurt me. He looked on from the corner of the room, biting his nails and staring at the floor. He didn’t even whisper to me, not with my father here. There was none of his usual reassurances. No, even he knew that this was likely to be a disaster.
As usual Liam had nothing to say when it really mattered.
“Is what that girl said true?” my father asked. “About you and Liam being faggots.”
That wasn’t what she’d said because the word Kendall had used—lovers—had seared into my heart like a brand.
Lovers.
God, that word nearly tore me in two with its promises of implied deep emotion. I did love Liam. I’d love him forever. Yet hearing the word “lovers” hit me in a way that not even my father’s fists had done. I’d wanted my dad to crush me with his bruises, but it had been Liam’s devotion that had broken me.
Yes, we were lovers not anything derogatory like my father made it out to be. Not tainted by his foulness.
I would have liked our relationship to be just about sex. That would have been so much easier. It would have made all of this, both before he’d died and now, more bearable when I had to live without him.
“No,” I said, the words sticking in my throat. To deny what we’d had felt worse than any beating I’d ever taken. “We were friends. That’s all.”
Liam whined and grabbed his head. He pushed his body back against the wall, curling in on himself acting as if I tortured him.
Denying who he was to me hurt me as much as it hurt him. I’d give anything to have him back with me, to touch him one more time. Still, I had to deny him as if he were nothing. I had been lucky all these years to keep who I was quiet.
My father looked at me as if he didn’t believe me.
Good. That made two of us. I didn’t believe a word I said either, not anymore. Still, I tried to convince him of my lies. “Look at who said it. It’s obvious she made it up.”
My father looked unimpressed. “What do you mean?”
“She’s gutter trash. Kendall wants to be famous. That lie was the most sensational thing that she could think of. And she knew that it would be splashed on all the news cycles with her face attached to it.”
For the first time that day he looked as if he believed me. His mouth pursed and he tilted his head slightly. He wanted my denial to be true. If he had a straight son, it wouldn’t make him question himself. I wouldn’t be the rainbow cog in his monochromatic world.
He was quiet for a while. Finally he said, “People are still going to talk about it. They’re all going to think that you take it up the ass.”
My breath hitched. “I know.”
“And you’ll pay for that.”
The weight that never fully went away felt like it had become a hundred pounds heavier. I exhaled, trying to get my bearings and agreed, “Yeah, I know.”
I had the Harrison name to live up to. I had to fit the mold whether or not that box was ever the right size for me. It was simply a circumstance of my birth, and not one I could fight against. I’d never get around going to school for business, becoming the family CEO, marrying a woman, and having a boy to repeat the cycle.
“If I find out that it’s true…” My father let the threat hang there.
You’ll what? I wanted to say. I was sick of this. I realized now that I was fucked regardless of the outcome of this trial. If I lost, I would be locked up for years with the promise of a lethal injection to end it. The only option I had outside of jail was to go back to this hellish existence. Either way I realized that I was going to die. Either the state of California was going to kill me or my father was.
If by some miracle I beat the charges, I had to figure out a way out of this life. Or else it wasn’t worth living. How did one make money at eighteen with no education and after being accused of murder? The thought was staggering. Even if I was acquitted, everyone knew me. Making a life on my own would be impossible.
I tried to change the subject so that it would give him something else to think about while I figured out how to realign my future. “She said a lot of other things too. Are you going to believe all of her bullshit? Do you think I killed my friends?”
There was a pause, a hesitation in his response. It wasn’t long, but I certainly felt it.
God damn, he did believe it.
Dawson looked a little pale. He didn’t say anything, certainly not to defend me, even if it was his actual job. He knew who paid him, whom he answered to. I wondered if he thought it was worth selling his soul.
Chapter Twenty-Three
THEN…
IN THE FOREST
Parker hadn’t returned.
The blackness of the forest stretched beyond our ring of light, lit by shining stars in the inky sky. Forest sounds rustled: the cracking of the fire, the movement of animals, the chirp of bugs and small creepy things.
A quiet, nervous energy fell over the group. Our gazes would meet and lock before darting away. No one wanted to be the first to break it. We didn’t speak of our concern, ignoring it the same as we ignored each other. It was like we were in stasis, waiting for someone else to come up with a plan. Maybe if we waited long enough, Parker would stumble back to camp and we’d feel a bit silly for worrying.
Zoe bit her fingernails.
Liam picked bark off small sticks, flicking the husk into the fire.
I itched at my hands. Mosquitos had made a meal of my body. There were welts everywhere, my skin swollen in big red splotches.
There wasn’t anyone else but us out here in the wilderness. That morning we’d taken another smaller, unused trail. We hadn’t seen another hiker all day. It had seemed like a lark, an assurance that we wouldn’t have to deal with anyone and pretend to be civil.
Which left us alone here. There were no campsites close enough to ask for help. No cell reception to call for reinforcements even if I had battery left, which I didn’t. I felt the prickles of suspense crawl up the back of my neck.
I cleared my throat.
Liam looked up.
But I just shook my head and didn’t say anything.
Zoe was the first to break. She stood and began to walk in a tight circle. Her thumbnail was still in her mouth and she spit out what she managed to chew off. There was none of her usual irritation now that she was worried. She wasn’t glaring at me or shooting hot looks to Liam. Her focus was solely on watching her feet pace and chewing her nails.
After a few trips to the edge of the forest and back, she stood in front of us, dropping her thumb from her mouth to ask, “Do you think we should look for him? It’s way too dark; he’ll never find his way back. I don’t think he took a flashlight with him.” She paused and then whispered, “There are animals out there that can eat him.”
It was about damn time someone suggested looking for him.
“Hell, yes. We should have started a long time ago.”
Zoe swung to me, her hands on her hips. “Then why didn’t you say anything?”
I shrugged.
Liam cracked his knuckles. He looked around the edge of the campsite nervously. “I’m sure he’s fine and he’ll be back. We just need to wait a little longer.”
“He’s been gone forever.” A bit of hysteria had crept into Zoe’s voice. She looked almost manic. “It doesn’t take that long to gather firewood, smoke, and get your ass back here.” She waved her hand at me. “You managed to do it.”
I threw a few sticks on the dying fire. Embers sparked, floating in a cloud of orange sparkles as they settled. “He probably got lost. The trees all look the same, especially when you’re high.”
“Probably,” Liam agreed. I didn’t think he followed the conversation, though. His eyes were spacey with the pupils blown, and he wouldn’t look at either of us.
“In which case, we need to find him,” Zoe said.
“Right.” I stood up, grabbing my flashlight from my pack. “If we split up, we’ll cover more ground.”
Zoe was already shaking her head. “We have to go together. One of us lost is enough. I don’t know what I’d do if—” her voice broke off with a small hitched breath.
“Shouldn’t someone stay at the campsite in case he comes back?” Liam asked. His body hunched forward and his arms were folded across his middle. I realized his hands were shaking, and he’d tucked them to his stomach trying to stop them.
“Are you afraid of the dark?” I asked with a laugh. The irony that he was Mr. Hiker and he didn’t want to brave the dark forest struck me as funny.
“What? No.”
The shaking in his voice told me otherwise. I raised a brow, not hiding my smirk. “I’m sure Zoe will hold your hand so you don’t cry.”
“Whatever, Josiah.” He let out a breath and stood up. “Of course I want to look for Parker. It’s just that…” he trailed off.
“What?” I pressed.
Zoe answered for him, “Parker’s been a shit.”
“Parker’s always a shit,” I said.
“Yeah, well, now he’s threatening Liam. Thinks it’s funny too.”
“Shut up, Zoe,” Liam growled.
Zoe crossed her arms. “Why? It’s not like it’s a secret that he’s acting like a jerk and that you’re pissed at him.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Liam said.
He meant in front of me. Liam, the one who wanted to talk everything to death, now suddenly wanted to shut up. Convenient. “Screw your drama, man. We still need to find Parker whether he’s an idiot or not.”
“He’s right,” Zoe said to Liam. “We can’t leave him out there all night.”
“Do we have to? I enjoyed the silence.” He said it slow and a little mocking. Still, it was Liam, which meant that even though it was said sarcastically, he meant it. He could hold a grudge forever.
I shook my head and looked away.
“Fine,” he said as if he did us a favor. Grabbing his flashlight, he clicked it on. “Let’s roll. Hopefully we can find him quick. I’m exhausted.”
We started off in the direction Parker and I had taken before we’d split off, calling for him. It was an animal path, cut earth barely visible in pine needles and snow patches. The night sounds fell away as we crunched through the underbrush yelling his name. We’d wait a moment, listening for an answer, and then yell again. The farther we walked, the less enthusiastic we were about calling. By the time we realized that we’d walked in circles we were hopelessly turned around.
“It’s creepy out here,” Zoe said.
I had to agree. The shadows looked like distorted arms, reaching out to grab us. Branches from the trees snagged our clothes and slashed our skin. And the night sounds had morphed into haunted cries.
Liam shushed her. “Can you keep your voice down?”
“Why? No one’s gonna hear me. And if Parker does, at least he’ll know where we are.”
“We won’t be able to hear him if he answers.” He muttered to himself, “How can you hear anyone when you’re so in love with the sound of your own voice?”
I smiled, delighted. The short, angry reply more in keeping with Liam’s personality pre-Zoe fucking. “Shut up, both of you.”
We kept walking. At this point we became lost and our focus shifted to finding our way back to camp.
An hour later our determination changed to desperation. There was still no sign of Parker nor of our fire. We were miserably cold, physically dragging with every step. All of us were thirsty, hungry, and tired. Our yelling had dropped off. My throat felt raw. We still called out, but there were longer pauses in between.
Zoe began to cry. Or at least that’s what I thought she did because it was too dark to see her face. She sniffled loudly, like she wanted to make a point of it.
Liam slipped into silence. He hadn’t called out for Parker in the last fifteen minutes. His posture was slumped. I could make out the curve of his back as he huddled into his coat and stumbled ahead of me.
“What if we don’t find him?” Zoe asked.
“We’ll find him,” I said.
That answer seemed to set Zoe off, exploding her into panic mode. The flashlight in her hand bounced from the shaking of her hand. Her voice was pitched high when she asked, “What do you think happened to him? It has to be something awful if he’s not answering.”
“Geez, way to be positive.” I said.
“Positivity has nothing to do with it,” Zoe countered. “We’re lost in the woods. Parker’s missing and we’re never gonna find him or our way out.”
I tried to not snarl. “I’m freezing my balls off. I want to be back at camp too. It doesn’t help that you’re fantasizing insane scenarios. So chill the fuck out.”
“What if he got eaten by a bear?” Zoe continued on. “Oh my god. We’re going to be eaten too.”
She pinwheeled out of control. At any moment, I’d have to worry about her on top of everything else. Was I supposed to slap her in order to shock her hysteria? I wouldn’t mind slapping Zoe.
“Shut up.” I tried to put as much authority into the command as I could.
Liam immediately swung around squaring off against me. “Don’t tell her to shut up.”
“I told her to shut up because she needs to shut up.”
“We’re walking in circles.” Zoe stopped and planted her feet, ignoring the fight she’d caused. She zoomed her flashlight in every possible direction, the beam slashing frantic crests of light on the trees and bushes. “We’ve been here twice.”
“We aren’t walking in circles, camp is that way.” I pointed right even though we were definitely walking in circles. Still, I knew exactly where camp was.
“No, it’s that way,” Liam pointed left.
Zoe turned a full circle before she tilted her head and pointed off in another direction. “You’re both wrong, it’s that way.”
I shook my head. Both of them had a shitty sense of direction. I didn’t argue, though. Ultimately it didn’t matter as long as we were still trying to find Parker. “So maybe we’re a little lost, but what makes you think we’ve come this way before?”
“Twice,” Zoe confirmed and shined her light on the tree. “Do you recognize this?”
“They all look the same,” Liam said.
“This one has got a scratch. See here?” she pointed. Four long vertical lines equal distance apart ran down the trunk of the tree. About a foot down there were others, a lot of them in a small area. The bark had been stripped enough to expose the lighter shade of the inner wood.
I was surprised she’d been focused enough to notice it. Especially with the way she’d carried on for the last half hour. I’d thought she’d been so self-involved that she hadn’t paid attention to anything beyond her anxiety.
“They’re bear marks.” Zoe said. Her voice was squeaky again, her hand shaking the light. “Killer bears. Human eating killer bears.”
The girl needed Xanax.
“Shut up, Zoe,” Liam sighed.
I rolled my eyes at the irony. It was totally bear markings on the tree, though. It worried me too. Still, I wasn’t going to act like a princess about it.
“What? Am I freaking you out?” she asked Liam.
“Yeah, babe, you kinda are.” He pulled her in to him and brushed a kiss on her lips.
She sighed into him.
I took out my knife, flipping it open. The switchblade had been a gift from my grandfather. It was old, which meant that the blade could slide out with a flick of my wrist. The modern ones had a safety mechanism and were therefore crap. I never went without it, making sure the blade was sharpened at all times. “Let’s fix the circle problem.”
I handed my flashlight to Liam. “Hold this.”
“What are you doing?” he asked.
“Marking this tree in case we pass it again. There could be others with animal marks. How are we sure we keep passing this one?” I set to the tree, carving an X into the surface. It took me several swipes. The knife blade wouldn’t cut deep enough the first few times. Carving into the wood would dull the blade, but that was okay. I’d sharpen it again when I got home.
“Hurry up.” Zoe danced around, breathing into her hands as she rubbed them together. “I should have brought my gloves.”
“Almost done.”
“If you plan on scratching every tree, that’s going to take forever,” she said.
What the hell did she want from me? I tried to find a solution and she wasn’t offering any suggestions. “I’ll scratch a few every so often.”
“That’s not going to do us any good finding our way back to camp,” Zoe observed.
“That’s a problem to worry about after we find Parker,” I said. “You were worried about walking in circles. I’m taking care of that. Seriously, quit bitching.”
Zoe snuffled and turned away. “Fine, whatever.”
“Thanks for the permission,” I grumbled under my breath. Finishing, I snapped the knife closed and tucked it into my back pocket. I took the flashlight back from Liam, admiring my handiwork on the tree for a moment. Then, “Come on, let’s get this over with.”
We started walking again, calling for Parker. There was more determination now after our little break even though my throat was hoarse, worse than before. I swallowed in pain, wanting water. It was futile to wander in the dark. Maybe we should go back to the campsite and try again in the morning.
No one suggested it, though. So I kept going.
It was another half hour before our expedition came to an abrupt halt.
