Only The Trees Know, page 6
No one had let me know the details, so I wasn’t exactly welcome. The service times had been announced on the news. I hadn't told my parents of my intention to attend. It was impulsive. I’d been determined to say goodbye to Zoe. Though I realized belatedly that there was no way I’d be able to leave without my presence being noted by the whole country.
Zoe’s family was religious even if she wasn’t. She’d planned sleepovers in order to ditch Sunday services and had never displayed any particular brand of religious craziness. If anything, she was an atheist.
I’d never asked any questions about it. Now it surprised me to learn that she’d been raised Independent Baptist. The crazy Hell and Damnation kind, who only believed they’d go to heaven if the person was baptized in their specific church.
The pastor, Kyle Foster, stood at the podium, turning the funeral service into a one-man performance sketch designed to lead The Sinners on a new path. His movements were large, swinging arms and widespread hands. Sweat dripped around the sides of his flushed red face. The enthusiasm contrasted with his understated appearance: a white button-down tucked tightly around his paunchy middle and plain black pants.
The service made me wonder: if everyone was doomed to hell simply because they were human, where Zoe had ended up? She hadn’t been the picture of purity and she’d vocally claimed that God was a sham. I could imagine her saying exactly that to this dude’s face. She’d probably even laugh.
By the time the service came to a close, I’d wondered why I’d come in the first place. I realized too late that this wasn’t truly an opportunity to say goodbye. Instead, I’d put myself in the middle of an unpredictable crowd. The stares had morphed into full-out threatening glares. More people looked at me than faced the front. I’d even caught the attention of the pastor.
The need to escape had me out of my seat as soon as everyone closed their eyes for the final prayer. Imaginary Liam stood by the doors still, his hands folded over his chest. He stared, but I avoided eye contact and he said nothing to stop me as I pushed my way through.
I exited the sanctuary into the vestibule, intending to go out the front doors, and froze. Detective Sanchez and Detective Adams stood just inside. They weren’t facing me. Sanchez had his hands in his pockets, while Adams stood next to him talking on her phone.
Any second they would turn and see me. The last thing I needed was a heart-to-heart with those two. I moved in the opposite direction, knowing there had to be another exit.
I’d made it halfway down a hall when I felt someone behind me. I turned and instead of seeing the detectives as I expected, I couldn’t have been more surprised to see Kendall Rivera. She’d been Zoe’s best friend, and while she’d hung out with us every so often, she wasn’t someone I liked.
She stared at me with her hands on her hips and a smug smile pulling at her orange lipstick coated lips. Heavy dark bangs dipped into her face, obscuring her narrowed brown eyes. “Why am I not surprised you’re here?”
I stopped walking and allowed her to approach me. Saying goodbye to Zoe today made me want to connect with someone who’d known her too. Kendall, as much as I despised her, was the last connection I had to Zoe.
Kendall grabbed my arm with her long talonlike nails. She steered me into a dark room filled with stacks of chairs and tables pushed up against the wall and shut the door behind us. Her hold on me released, only for me to get one of those nails digging into the center of my chest. “Why are you here, pendejo? No one wants to see your cara fea.”
I stepped back, hating that it made me appear weak, but I didn’t want her to touch me. “Why wouldn’t I be here? I want to pay my respects too.”
“Get the fuck gone.”
For the second time today I wondered why I’d bothered. Clearly this was a waste of time. She wasn’t going to comfort me. I held up my hands. “I’m leaving. I’m not trying to cause problems.”
“That’s ironic coming from you.”
“I’m not the one being a crazy bitch right now. I’ve got no beef with you.” I blew out a breath, and then tried again, “Look, all I wanted was to say goodbye to my friend. You act like I committed a crime.”
“Killing someone is a crime,” she said.
“I didn’t kill anyone.” How many times did I have to say that before someone believed me?
“You have an ulterior motive for being here that has nothing to do with Zoe. Like if people see you sad, they’re going to think you’re innocent. Newsflash: it’s not gonna work.”
I snorted. “You’re way off base.”
“Am I?” she growled, stepping closer to me, once again cutting off my space. “If anyone knows you’re capable of murder, I do.”
“Anyone is capable of anything,” I countered, and then I decided to let it go. No matter what I said to her, she’d never believe me.
Voices in the hallway drew my attention. I was going to get stuck here. “I need to go.”
Kendall folded her hands over her chest. She didn’t step aside to let me pass. “I know you’re capable of violence. I’ve seen you throw things, punch holes in the walls, and that’s just when you’re—” she made air-quotes, “‘—frustrated.’”
“I’ve never hurt anyone.”
“That I know of.”
“No, never,” I insisted. “Just because I fought with Zoe doesn’t make me a killer.” I made to move past her then, tired of this conversation. I didn’t have to defend myself to her.
Then she said, sweetly, tauntingly, “I know about you and Liam.”
The words froze me. My body turned to ice, my mouth dry. She couldn’t possibly know. I swallowed before asking, “What are you saying?”
I hated how weak my voice sounded. How scared I was. How small it made me feel.
“Soon everyone else will know too,” she said in that singsong voice.
“If you say anything—” I threatened but cut myself off when she gleefully squealed.
“You’ll what? Kill me?” she asked.
“Of course not.”
“Zoe told me,” she said.
I didn’t follow and shook my head. “She told you what?”
“She told me about you and—”
“No,” I cut her off, not allowing her to finish saying Liam’s name. Anger roared through me and I couldn’t stop it. I pushed over a stack of chairs. They gave a satisfying crash as they hit the floor and separated. Panting, I opened and closed my fists, wanting to throw another stack. I wouldn’t allow her or anyone to tarnish his memory. He was dead and everything that had happened was best left buried. I refused to listen to another word.
“There’s the Josiah I know,” Kendall said.
Her taunt made me sick as I realized how knee-jerk my reaction had been. My breath was still harsh and I focused on trying to calm my body as I stared at her. She knew exactly how to push to get me to explode. That I’d allowed her to manipulate me was embarrassing.
I didn’t understand what Kendall thought she had proved, though. It wasn’t like we were in public. Throwing chairs wasn’t a punch to the face. It certainly wasn’t the same as killing someone.
A brisk knock at the door made us both snap to attention. The anxiety of knowing I’d been caught clawed up my throat. My body felt frozen as I watched the knob turn, knowing I stood in the middle of the mess of chairs I couldn’t explain.
Kendall smiled smugly.
Pastor Foster cleared his throat, standing in the open doorway. “What’s happening here?”
For a moment I felt relief when I realized it wasn’t the detectives. That feeling was quickly squashed though by the look he shared with Kendall. Right, this was a setup and I’d walked straight into it.
“Nothing, sir,” Kendall said so sweetly innocent that it nearly choked me.
The pastor stayed focused on me. He took a long time looking me over. “Are you baptized, son?”
I blinked, the question hitting me sideways, but I managed to shrug. “No.”
“Baptism is the only way to ensure you meet the Lord. When you’re faced with death, like you were in those woods, it changes a man. Have you taken the opportunity to make your life right?”
“Oh-kay.” I raised an eyebrow. “You’re saying that the only things standing between me and Satan is getting splashed with water?”
He growled. “I don’t appreciate your mouth.”
I sucked in a breath, my back straight. “I don’t appreciate your brand of religion.”
The horror on both their faces nearly made me laugh.
“Why are you here, if not to fall on your knees and beg God’s forgiveness?” the pastor asked.
“I’ve done nothing I need to be forgiven for,” I said. “I came to say goodbye to Zoe.”
Mr. Adler, Zoe’s father, stepped into the doorway behind the pastor. He looked at me with hatred before he moved forward. Then I realized the detectives were with him. Sanchez grinned, while Adams looked as unruffled as usual.
I should have listened to my gut and got the hell out of there when I had the chance. My father would be pissed. Half of me thought I deserved it for thinking that I could do this one last thing for Zoe.
Chapter Nine
THEN…
SENIOR YEAR, FALL
Iwanted to float.
Inside the pool house the air was heavy, scented with pot. Smoke curled at the edges of the room in a hazy film. The music was a slow and steady classic rock. I leaned back into the couch and closed my eyes. Escape was just out of reach. I could feel it on the edge of my consciousness like a whispered prayer to a benevolent saint.
The bong passed in front of me. A nudge from Zoe pushed me to awareness. I reached forward, grabbing the glass tube, and lowered my head to suck a drag. I held the smoke in my lungs till it burned, fire spread inside my chest before I blew out.
Zoe pressed herself into my side. Her shirt dipped low, flashing me peeks of her bright pink bra. The lace barely covered the swells of her breasts. She turned her face up, tipping to press her mouth against mine, stealing the smoke that I exhaled with a kiss. Her lips were dry and chapped. I preferred that to the sticky slide of flavored gloss.
I ended the kiss and she gave me a pout. I didn’t care if she was pissed. Instead I focused on taking another hit before she stole the bong from me.
Irritation once again pushed through my buzz. Why had Liam brought her? I’d told him that we were having problems and he’d shown up with her anyway. Lately he’d taken to purposely pushing my buttons, not hiding his amusement when I lost my shit.
The pot did little to take the edge off. More often I needed the kick of something stronger to forget my frustration, at least for a little while. I’d left my stash of pills in my room, which was a no-go because I was too lazy to move. Plus, if I got them now I’d have to share. The majority of the pills would then be lifted by Parker.
He already owed me a couple grand. Parker couldn't afford to get further in debt. He’d better pay up soon. I needed the cash. I couldn't ask my dad for another advance on my allowance, my ribs still hurt from last time.
Thinking about taking something heavier made me ache for it. It was a continuous loop: first thinking, then craving, the vicious need, before giving into it. Then the cycle would start again. Before I had felt like I could control it. Now I knew that it controlled me.
There was only so much I could deal with without chemical help. My world felt big, and I felt small. I needed to smash it into some sort of manageable shape, to use a narcotic Band-Aid to cover the wound.
Parker sat on a chair near Zoe and me. His bones protruded at his elbows, knees, and ribs. The look was due in part to his drug use, but more because he hardly ever ate. A wide belt kept his pants up, his shirt an ancient rock tee from a concert before we were born. He’d buzzed his red hair short, thinking it would hide the horrible color and his painful thinness. All it did was make his ears stick out.
“I didn’t see your dad’s car,” Parker said. He sniffed a few times, rubbing at his nose. “Parked on the street and came around back anyway just in case.”
I let the bong slip through my fingers as Zoe took it. Then I sat back into the couch putting distance between us. She didn’t notice. “He’s not in town.”
“I thought he was supposed to be home this week.”
“Yeah, me too,” I agreed. Locking away all the other things I wouldn’t say about that.
“Bummer,” Parker said.
Not really, but I nodded anyway.
Liam riffled through the mini-kitchen on the other side of the room. He threw around random contents from the cabinet that were probably expired while mumbling to himself. His hair pulled loose from where he'd tied it back. He wore a tight pair of jeans and no shirt, shoes or socks. Like the place was his instead of mine.
“Where are the chips?” he asked.
“I only found this.” Parker held an almost empty bag. He upended it into his mouth, shaking out the last of the crumbs.
Liam slammed the cabinet door shut. “Dude, what the hell?”
“Didn’t know you wanted any.” Parker crinkled the bag and tossed it in the direction of the trash, missing it by several feet. “Plus, it was already gone. Relax.”
“Don’t tell me to relax.” Liam’s voice steadily rose. “You’re the one who takes everything that isn’t yours.”
That was true. However, I could also point out that the chips hadn’t been Liam’s either. Like everything, every one of them took what I had as if they had a right to it.
Zoe, meanwhile, took advantage of my inattention to bogart the bong. The tips of her hair, a freshly dyed bright shade of purple, swung forward to cover her face as she leaned down to place her lips inside the rim of the mouthpiece. The diamond of her Monroe piercing winked on her left upper lip. She closed her eyes as she held in the smoke. Heavy smudged eyeliner and purple eye shadow made her eyes look like two bruises. Zoe let the air out with a silly smile, shifting so that the gold and white rosary she’d appropriated for a necklace swung to the side of her chest.
I sighed. The fighting over nothing had become ridiculous at this point. No one would let me enjoy a buzz. “Just go to the house and get some more,” I said to Liam.
Liam went back to searching the cabinets again. “It’s too far.”
‘Too far’ meant walking through the backyard, around the pool, into the kitchen. They always bitched like it was twenty miles away. Which, okay, I didn’t want to go to my room for pills, but that was totally different. It was a level up and on the other side of the house. Plus, I’d have to pass my mom’s room and she’d been somewhat coherent today. At least aware enough to ask me questions I didn’t want to answer. The extra attention would be bad.
I took back the bong. There was just enough left for a puff or two. The water gurgled inside the glass as a wave of smoke rose to the mouth.
Exhaling, I looked up and realized Liam was staring at me. He scratched his bare chest lazily. Dragging his fingers slower when he realized he’d caught my attention, suggestively petting himself. His tongue slid out to lick his lower lip.
I couldn’t look way.
He grinned.
I narrowed my eyes before I leaned over to kiss Zoe. Making it as sloppy as possible with lots of tongue.
We made out a bit before I dared to open my eyes, looking over her shoulder to gaze at Liam. He glared at me. His face red and his shoulders hunched. That made me happy, so I added a little groping. Zoe didn’t seem to mind.
“Dude,” Parker complained. “Knock that shit off.”
Zoe pulled away from me, giggling. She licked her lips before smiling at me. Maybe she thought we were getting back together. Shit. There was no chance that would happen. But her trying was liable to drive me insane.
Sighing, I looked away. Accidentally—on purpose—making direct eye contact with Liam as he walked from the kitchen back to the couch area. He glared at me the entire time, his nostrils flared. It was hot. The pissier he got, the sexier he became. Not to mention the satisfaction I felt for annoying him.
He’d found a bag of peanuts and shoved a handful in his mouth. Then he tipped the can toward Parker. “I’m not giving you any.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Parker said. He stood and grabbed his jacket, shrugging into it. “I have to take off.”
I startled, surprised at the abrupt departure. It wasn’t like Parker to leave before we were done partying. Suspicion narrowed my eyes. “Where are you going?”
“Got shit to do,” he said, avoiding my questioning stare.
Zoe lay slumped against me. She looked up and blinked several times never really focusing, her eyes glassy. She asked Parker, “Mind giving me a ride? I told my parents I’d be home by midnight.”
She looked at me then, her head tilted and her lips puckered, slightly open and wet. Her expression waiting for me to either ask her to stay or suggest I take her home instead of Parker.
No way either of those options were going to happen. If we hooked up she’d stay, and I wanted her to leave. Parker would be doing me a solid by taking her home. Sex with her wasn’t that much of a draw especially if I couldn’t get rid of her after. There were easier ways to get off.
“Sure thing,” Parker told her, jiggling his keys. “I’m leaving now. Get your ass up.”
Zoe sighed, still pouting while she stood. She put the bong on the table before turning to me. “You going to call me later?”
“What for?” I asked.
“Because I want to talk to you.”
As if we did that sort of thing. I opened my eyes wide, overexaggerating that I didn’t understand. “You’re here now. We already talked today.”
“Never mind,” she said, stomping over to Parker. “Let’s go.” Zoe walked out of the pool house. In a snit, or whatever. Not looking back.
I didn't understand her at all. Why couldn’t she tell me what she wanted? Everything with her was dramatic and implied. It was a waste of time trying to figure it out. Honestly, why would I bother? I’d made it clear we were nothing more than friends with benefits, or maybe not even that. We used each other and had a good time doing it. Why she wanted to ruin it with feelings and jealousy I couldn’t fathom.
