Only The Trees Know, page 21
I shook my head. I had no idea. Maybe? It sounded like an animal, but it sounded like a man too. I didn’t know enough of animal calls to distinguish the two.
Another loud crash made us jump. This time it was closer. It would be on us at any moment. Maybe our cover would hold, maybe it wouldn’t.
“Oh my God! He’s going to kill us.” Liam’s damp lips tickled my skin.
I shushed him. He had no self-preservation. “You’re the one who’s gonna get us killed.”
Liam whimpered.
I held my breath.
The thing outside was on top of us now. Just outside the brush. Any moment it would discover where we hid. We’d be trapped. How stupid could we have been to shelter somewhere without an escape route? Rock at our back, thinking that it would protect us, but all it did was mark our grave.
I almost missed when the crashing sound passed us. Continuing on, oblivious to our hiding spot. The recognition that we were safe didn’t register for a moment. And then I exhaled.
The night was quiet in the wake of the terror. The danger had moved on. We were still alive.
“Is it gone?” Liam whispered.
“I think so.” I forced myself to relax my body. It was a slow process, one muscle group at a time.
Liam didn’t reply, and I figured that was a win.
We waited a few minutes more and when nothing stirred I said, “I need to get out of here and pee.”
The need was mostly to move. My body was too stiff to continue sitting there. And now that I’d viewed our hiding place as my final resting spot, I couldn’t get the image out of my head. I wanted to be as far from it as I could.
Liam grabbed me when I made to unroll myself. “Don’t go out there.”
“You’re overreacting. Whatever it was is gone now.”
“Overreacting?” Liam pulled back to look at me, his eyes wild. “Parker and Zoe are dead. Dead, as in never coming back. I’m not overreacting.”
I grunted and stood up anyway, pushing away his clinging hands. My body and mind were fully onboard with an escape. There was nothing he could say to keep me there.
“Do you think they’re looking for us?” he asked.
“Who?”
“Our parents.”
I shrugged. “Maybe.”
I didn’t have much hope. We were supposed to have returned home that day. So we’d only been missing for a couple of hours at this point. It would be unlikely that the concern and phone calls had started. Especially from my parents. I had no idea how long it would take them to figure out I hadn’t come home.
“I’m hungry.” Liam fell onto his side now that I was gone and curled up into a fetal position.
My stomach agreed with Liam. It gave a gurgle at his words. It had been days since we’d eaten a real meal, food besides weeds or berries. At least we’d found a stream the day before. It was shallow, not wider than a trickle and more muddy than clear. It had worked to keep us hydrated.
We’d explored the area around it and found this cave. Both of us were too weak by this point to physically walk out of the woods. Help would have to come to us.
“Why is this happening?” Liam asked. “Are we paying for something?”
“If you believe in karma, I suppose.” I turned away from him, hugging myself against the cold. Shaking out my leg cramps while stomping at the ground. My throat felt scratchy and my lungs abused from living too long in the cold and damp.
“I shouldn’t have done it,” Liam mumbled with his face pressed into the dirt and pine needles. But I could hear him clearly. He sounded miserable.
I turned back, curious. His confession sounded rough and full of angst, but with a thread of truth that made me pause. Whatever he regretted, he’d been carrying guilt for a while.
It made me wonder if this was about us. He’d wanted to repair the rift between us for a while. Not that I’d forgive him. I certainly never would when he’d still been messing with Zoe.
I wondered if he’d any clue of the pain he’d caused me. If he could acknowledge any of his mistakes, because if he was truly penitent, he’d admit them. Now he seemed on the verge of doing that.
“You shouldn’t have done what?” I asked.
“I’m sorry.” His wet tears made the dirt on his skin muddy. He pushed his face further into the ground to muffle the noise of the sobs that followed.
“Liam just tell me what you did. Or don’t tell me. I don’t really care.” I shook my head. This back and forth was enough already. “Just stop crying. I can’t stand it anymore. Between Parker’s lies, Zoe’s hysterics, and now your constant crying, I don’t have the patience to deal with it.”
He gave a little sob when I mentioned Parker and Zoe.
I rolled my eyes. “Get ahold of yourself.”
“It’s just that,” his voice hiccupped as he spoke, trying to do as I asked by swallowing back his tears, “I wish that we were still together, you know? That we’d never broken up. I never wanted to fight with you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” After everything he put me through, everything that had happened on this mountain, he acted as if apologizing and getting it off his chest would somehow absolve him. It was his fault, all of this. And he should feel guilty. I did not want him to feel better about it.
Liam sat up, futilely swiping at the dirt that stained his face. “Are we doing this?” he seemed to ask himself. Then began to nod reluctantly while looking at me. “Yes, I guess I do owe you an explanation.”
“We don’t owe each other anything.” My hands were clenched. I knew he could see how hurt and angry I was. I couldn’t hide it from him anymore. And honestly? Let him see. He deserved to own some of the pain I was in.
“Don’t be like that,” Liam pleaded. “For once, be honest with me. Tell me how you really feel.”
“You don’t want that.” He had no idea what he asked. It had been so long since sincerity had been any part of the connection that held us in thrall. Now if I were to open myself to that—
No. There was no cause for honesty. Not anymore.
“What was the deal between you and Parker?” I wasn’t sure I really cared to know, that knowing would only serve to piss me off. I found myself asking anyway. The compulsion to understand what had driven the feud between them was too tempting to ignore. That had been all I could think about these last few days. While they danced around their weird anger with one another, I’d wondered what drove them to it.
“Parker thought I took his drugs. The ones you gave him. The ones you asked him to pay for.”
The way he said it made me pause. “Did you?”
“Well…”
“You did.” I blew out a breath, surprised. Almost not believing it. It was completely out of character for the Liam I knew. I’d blamed Parker for going through my drugs, for not paying me back when I’d thought he’d sold them and not handed over the profits. I’d threatened him.
This whole time it had been Liam who’d manipulated our fight. Not that Parker was innocent. But perhaps it hadn’t been as bad as I’d assumed.
“The drugs he claimed were missing? They weren’t missing, you had them?” I reiterated just to be sure.
“Have them,” Liam corrected, looking away. “I didn’t use them. I wasn’t gonna sell them either.”
I lifted a brow. “Then why did you take them? Seems like a lot of work for nothin’ to me.”
“I wanted to teach Parker a lesson.” He looked back at me, his eyes hard and glinting in the setting twilight. The tears had dried for the most part, leaving his eyes shiny. “He made me so angry. It was the only thing I could think of that would really mean something to him, you know? And I was right. He went nuts.”
I snorted and rolled my eyes, shaking my head. “A brilliant plan, piss Parker off until he made your life miserable. How’d that work out for you?”
“Not well,” he said. “He was threatening you and I thought—” his voice broke. “Well, I thought I was helping you.”
“How did you imagine that you were doing that?” I asked, genuinely curious. Parker had issues with me, so if Liam knew something, that Parker had made plans to stab me in the back, it wouldn’t come as a surprise. “What had he threatened to do?”
Liam looked away when tears once again stung his eyes. “He was gonna tell.”
I frowned. “Tell what?”
“About you and me.”
My heart leapt into my throat choking me, even though I knew there was no possible way Parker could talk now. I couldn’t hold back the instinctive fear. “How did he—?” I swallowed several times before clearing my throat. “How did he find out?”
“He saw us, I think. I don’t really know.” Liam made to stand.
When he stepped toward me, I held out my hands to fend him off.
Liam then said in a rush of breath, “He was blackmailing me for cash to keep our relationship a secret. So I stole his drugs to repay the favor. And maybe put a little pressure back on him.”
“Who was he going to tell?”
Liam shrugged. “Your parents? Who knows. It’s not like it matters now.”
I hated his blasé attitude. It did matter. It mattered to me. This was exactly how I told Liam this affair would turn out. If Parker had threatened to expose me, it meant that he’d put it out there already to test if it was believable. Perhaps to people at school. It made it more important to cut off the rumor before it got to my father. “I told you someone would find out.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” To his credit, he really did sound sorry. Not that I cared.
“You promised me. This is why I didn’t trust you.” I had to roll my shoulder to loosen where my muscles bunched and strained. “Why didn’t he come to me?”
Liam swallowed. “Parker threatened to tell you that he knew. To use the information in order to not have to pay you for the drugs. Maybe he didn’t confront you because he thought he could squeeze me first. I don’t know.”
“Why didn’t you tell me this was happening? I could have done damage control.”
Liam made a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “Because I thought I could handle it. I knew if you had any idea what Parker had threatened, you’d freak out. Looks like I was right even if it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It does matter, Liam. If Parker knew, he would have told someone else to ensure his collateral. Don’t you see?” Secrets never stayed secret.
“No one else knows,” he promised.
“You don’t know that,” I yelled at him. “Stop telling me lies, trying to make it better.”
“I thought I was protecting you,” Liam yelled back. There were more tears. I hated them, hated him.
“You weren’t protecting me. If that were the case, you would have told me and we would have figured it out together. You would have had my back.”
“You weren’t talking to me.”
“And it was the right thing to do. Look how messed up everything got. Now you see why I didn’t trust you.”
Liam sighed.
“And Zoe?” I asked. “Where did she fall in this amazing plan?”
“Zoe and I, we were helping each other.” Liam hesitated. “She was helping me with Parker, lying to him and stealing his drugs. And I was helping her make you jealous.”
I snorted.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “I knew that wouldn’t happen. But I wasn’t going to convince her otherwise when it worked for me.”
“Oh, it made me jealous,” I said. “Just not for her.”
Liam’s cheeks pinked. He cleared his throat. “That doesn’t make me regret it.”
I shrugged.
Chapter Thirty-Six
NOW…
They shuffled me back into court. The jury wasn’t here, but word had come that a verdict had been reached. It was still early; the courtroom was mostly empty. My parents were here, though. Not that my father had looked at me.
My mom leaned over the balustrade between the audience and where I sat at the defense table. She looked worried. “Josiah.”
“Mom, I’m okay.” I couldn’t say why I felt like I had to reassure her.
She’d become so frail, thinner than ever before. Her once tailored clothing engulfed her. I worried that she wouldn’t make it if I were convicted.
“Josiah,” she said again.
I closed my eyes. She needed to stop saying my name that way. As if I were about to die.
Mr. Dawson leaned over to me. “You should say goodbye now, son. If the verdict isn’t want we want, well, they’ll take you out of here immediately. Use this opportunity.”
I turned fully to my mother, unsure of what to say. So I said the only thing I could think of, “I love you, mom.”
Chapter Thirty-Seven
THEN…
IN THE FOREST
Ifelt terrible and probably smelled worse. Though I didn’t really notice because Liam was in the same shape. We’d lived in our clothes for days, so we’d gotten used to it and niceties didn’t matter anymore. Hunger pains gripped our stomachs. We were tired and miserable, unable to sleep more than a few hours at a time on the hard packed ground.
My body had gone past aching into a numbed pain that hummed in my muscles as long as I didn’t move. If I shifted, it would send crackling fire throughout my extremities. I would have given anything in that moment for a hot shower and food.
The only good thing we had going for us was that we had an endless supply of water from the creek. We weren’t dehydrated but without food, we were sluggish.
However, staying in one place created other problems. Mainly I was going stir-crazy. I needed to get up and move. While I knew it was sound logic to stay by the water source, I couldn’t help my desire to just get the hell out of there, to be proactive in our rescue instead of cowering behind bushes starving.
Liam had cracked mentally some time ago. He was in no condition to walk. I worried that if we left the water source, he wouldn’t recover from that. That wasn’t how Liam was supposed to die.
I couldn’t leave him either. Sometimes I wanted to. My anger at him hadn’t disappeared. It had just become less important while I had to concern myself with survival.
We clung to each other for whatever comfort we could find. I’d accepted that I needed this one last moment with him. Perhaps he felt the same because he leaned into me.
“Remember all the times we sat outside next to your pool and stared at the sky all night?” Liam asked.
We’d done it often, just him and I. More nights than I could remember. What he didn’t say, but what I recalled, were the whispered promises we’d made. About how we could change our lives, and that we’d run away and become different people after high school. It made me believe in him, even though I couldn’t believe in us. I’d felt safe.
“The stars were never like this,” I said. There were hundreds here, all of them promises that mocked me. I used to think the stars shared our secrets. Because they were the only ones who’d bore witness to who we truly were. Just like they did now.
“No,” he agreed and fell silent again.
His head moved on my shoulder and I slipped my arm around him as I fell into remembering the happier times and what he’d meant to me. Who he had been before everything had changed. The things we’d done together, and the people we’d been.
I wanted his closeness again and knew I’d never have it. There had been too much said and done between us. I didn’t think I could ever be that person who’d trusted again. It would be too hard to forget Liam’s lies. Too devastating to remember. Best to accept things as they were.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
And I almost laughed. What wasn’t the matter? We were going to die and I didn’t think I could ever forgive him. “You promised me that you’d be loyal to me forever.”
The look he gave me was disbelieving. “You broke up with me.”
“Because you were pushing for too much.”
“That’s bullshit, Josiah and you know it. I only wanted us to be honest about what we meant to each other.”
“I wasn’t ready for honest,” I practically shouted. And then I swallowed it back. “I don’t understand why you had to stab me in the back. Maybe I could have handled you dating someone else but with Zoe, of all people?”
He shrugged. “It got your attention.”
“That’s what you wanted.” The silly thing was, he’d always had my attention. There was no way he could ever lose it.
“Josiah,” he asked, “are we going to be okay?”
I didn’t want to lie. Now was also not the time for truth. I was ready to be done with it all.
So instead I said goodbye.
I leaned forward to press my mouth against his.
The taste of his lips was sugared with fear. I felt his pain. I couldn’t ignore it anymore. Not while he was in my arms and pressed to me, offering me his empty, dark places.
But I didn’t want them. I wasn’t worthy of being that safe place in the storm for him. Nor could I carry someone else’s burden when I could barely lift mine.
It made me feel guilty, as if I’d betrayed us.
I pushed him away. Gently, but insistent.
His eyes blinked open with surprise and hurt. Their inky depths registered confusion a moment later.
I was sorry for so many things beyond my control. I knew that as surely as he did that we could not choose our destiny. It didn’t matter what we wanted. “If this is it and we die here and you’re the last person I see, I’m okay with that.”
“It sounds like you’re giving up,” he said. “Like you think we won’t get rescued.”
“Even if we do get rescued, you and I will never be an ‘us’ again.”
He seemed to understand because he blinked and took a deep breath. Turning away from me, he asked, “Why do you hurt me?”
I shook my head even as the answer spilled over my tongue. “I don’t know.”
That was the truth. I didn’t know. My selfish actions constantly lead me to paths and consequences I didn’t like. I had no ability to stop myself from making destructive choices. It was a compulsion, a need. Its grip on me grew steadier over time, seeking out ways to hurt others as they had me.
