Purgatory Blues (2013), page 27
Sobriety and the company of his thoughts was an unpleasant combination. The minutes seemed to pass by far too slowly, giving what was left of his conscience ample time to ridicule and torment him with various flavors of guilt and regret. There were several moments during his journey when his thoughts almost turned suicidal, believing that he was too far gone to be saved, that he should be struck from the world like an item on a ledger with an indent reading “reject” or “defective”.
It took him thirty minutes to get there and another thirty minutes to find her burial plot. The funeral had been a complete blur and he hadn’t been paying attention on that day. Someone had led him there, he couldn’t remember whom…but he’d followed, taking no heed of the directions. He remembered that the sun had been out on that day. With the sky overcast and the persistent drizzle, nothing looked the same. When he finally did lay eyes on her headstone from a short distance away, he stopped abruptly, suddenly anchored to the ground. It was like he was in quicksand. He could go no farther.
He closed his eyes and looked away, for a moment he didn’t want to believe what he was looking at. He was tempted to walk away, to pretend that none of it had ever happened so that he could find oblivion at the bottom of a bottle and the end of a line. He let his thoughts drift away, searching for anything that might give him the courage to take another step forward…and then he remembered Julian’s words, “own the moment”. It was the best he could do just then, so he used it as a mantra, repeating the words “own the moment” in his mind.
Andy opened his eyes and examined the headstone. It read: “In loving memory of Elsa Morante 1985 - 2012”.
He walked forward slowly, making sure not to step on the ground that she was under. When he was two feet away from the headstone he stopped. “Hi”, Andy said and waved to the headstone, “busy day huh?” he added, noticing all the fresh flowers around the stone. “You always said flowers were a waste of money, but I know you liked them. These are for you”, he said and laid the bouquet against the stone. There were three other arrangements already there.
When Andy looked up after setting down the flowers it dawned on him that he didn’t believe in the afterlife and he was talking to a block of stone. He’d always thought of the whole act of visiting a grave as a function to appease the living, not the dead. He’d gone as far as to laugh at people for doing the exact same thing that he’d just done…talking to a headstone. He used to tell people that even if there was something after mortal existence, you shouldn’t have to go to a cemetery to speak to the departed, you should be able to do it from home.
Standing there and seeing her name, suddenly nothing that he’d believed through all of his years mattered anymore. He believed that Elsa was there. He didn’t want to try to explain it away with logic. He needed to believe, he needed somewhere to go, he needed to see her name and he needed desperately to talk to her.
“I miss you”, Andy said, almost whispering. A single tear rolled down his cheek and joined the rain on his face.
He stepped toward the headstone and sat down next to it, using the edge as a backrest. “You know it’s been kinda rough since you’ve been gone”, Andy spoke toward her name, “I’ve probably done a lot of stuff that wouldn’t make you very proud of me. If you only knew the things I’ve been doing without you to keep me in line! That’s sort of the reason why I haven’t visited till now. Things got a little hairy there for a bit, but I think I’m better now, or I’m trying to be”.
Andy paused when he saw a couple approaching. They walked by but paid no attention to him, they had their own grieving to do.
“So how’re you doing?” he asked Elsa and smiled at his insanity, “you know for a while I was thinking about visiting you up there…but I’m thinking maybe I should stick around. I met an old friend yesterday and he really put things in to perspective for me”. He touched the earth where Elsa was hoping to feel some kind of connection. Though it existed only in his mind, he felt was he needed to feel…she was listening.
“I’ve had the craziest week”, Andy began and proceeded to recount the events from meeting Ben and Amy all the way to waking up that morning and receiving the message from her parents. He spared no detail and pulled no punches. He needed to vent and somehow saying things out loud helped to put the events in context and make sense of them. It was like having a sounding board to help analyze his thoughts. He spent the better part of an hour telling her the story. He was soaked to the bone by the time he’d finished, but he still had more to say.
“I think I finally understand what people mean when they say you can never go home again”, Andy said, “I just never thought about it much till now. Life is a linear…thing…and time only goes one way. Home used to be the club, but that’s different now and so am I. It’s never going to feel the way it used to. Then you became my home and you left. I’m not blaming you or anything”, he added with a sad smile and touched her patch of earth. “I guess I’ve just never been good with change is all”.
He went on for another thirty minutes, telling her that he was sorry, telling her that he would change and telling her that he’d make her proud of him again. He was just about to get to the most difficult part of his apology when the couple that’d walked by earlier came in to earshot again. Andy paused to let them go by before he continued.
“You know, even though it didn’t work out, I think you’d have gotten along with Liz. I feel terrible about how I was with her. I mean…I was dealing with all this stuff and everything just got so confused and fucked up. She tried to help me and that’s when I knew that it would’ve never worked with us. I was so selfish, I never wanted to know her, I wanted her to just be there…like a replacement, a substitute…I used her”. Andy paused to savor his admission.
“But I wouldn’t have wanted her to get to know the guy I’ve been over the last year anyway. She doesn’t know me like you know me, maybe no one ever will. The guy I was with you…that’s the guy I want to be again, or maybe another version of him in the future. It’s better this way for Liz. At least she gets to keep her bar right? Maybe that’ll make up for what I did. Man, I’ve been such a dick!”
Andy pulled out a cigarette and lit up, it was his first one of the day. He coughed a little but it was nowhere as bad as it had been the day before. He squinted and stared in to the distance, he could only just make out the couple that’d been walking around earlier. They were hugging each other near their car. He thought of Melissa.
“Here’s the thing”, Andy said to Elsa, he buried his hand in the soil above her before he went on, “I love you so much and you know that’s never going to change, but I think I can finally start to put all this behind me now, I want to move on and I don’t want to be alone anymore. What Melissa and I have isn’t what you and I had, but I think I can love her again…in a different way, you know?”
He felt the words sticking in his throat, as if somehow going forward meant leaving Elsa behind.
“I’m ready to accept everything that’s happened this last year and with M, I can do that. There’s nothing that I need to hide from her. I think Melissa could be good for me. She knows the worst thing that I’ve ever done and she was there for me. She knows me better than anyone else in the world…besides you”. Andy stopped there. He’d begun to almost whisper. In some ways he was afraid of the future, but thinking of Melissa gave him a sense of comfort. He knew that she would be the person to help him make the transition back to a life worth living.
“She accepts me for who I am, the good parts and the bad. I know it’s only been a few days, but I think she was right, there is something there and we’ve both changed enough…this time things will be different”, he said, almost as if to reassure himself.
Andy stood and walked to the front of the headstone to kneel down. “That’s what I came here to say baby. No more running”, Andy kissed the palm of his hand and held the top of the headstone, “thank you for showing me what life could be like”. Thinking about everything he’d once had and lost made him feel like there was an incredible weight strapped to him, he felt heavy and almost immobile.
He made the effort to turn and began to walk away, knowing that if he lingered much longer he’d find a way to talk himself out of the course of action he’d set for himself, he didn’t look back. He knew that if he did, he might’ve sat there till dark. He knew that he might never leave. It was like there was a magnet attached to his back that was pulling him back to Elsa. He resisted it and put one foot in front of the other till he reached his car.
When he got there he placed his hand on the door handle, he needed something to hold on to. As soon as he touched it, the cord that had been pulling him back there was severed. He felt lighter, he felt like something had ended and he was now at a new beginning. He looked over his shoulder and whispered “goodbye my love”.
Chapter 16
Andy was back on the freeway before he’d realized exactly how chilly he was, not just because he was soaking wet, but also because a cold front had moved in and the rain had been the harbinger. Autumn had come without him noticing the change in season.
It was already four-thirty in the afternoon and that meant that rush hour traffic was well in effect. It was bumper to bumper, so he took the opportunity to call Melissa. His handset wasn’t paired with the car’s Bluetooth, so he’d have to use the phone itself. He smiled to at the thought that only one day of sobriety had led him to embrace such mundane concerns as cellular phone laws.
He dialed her number and waited. She answered with a dispassionate, “hello”, on the fifth ring.
“Hey M”, Andy replied, “what’re you up to?”
“Just closing up the shop”, she said with a little sigh, “what’s up with you?”
Andy could feel that she was maintaining a cool distance with him. It was in her tone. After their last encounter he could hardly be surprised. He proceeded on unsure footing after a moment, “I was wondering if we could talk?”
“We’re talking right now”, said Melissa.
“In person I mean”.
“What about?”
“I’ll tell you when I see you, how about the Firk at six? I’m on my way back right now, stuck in traffic, I should be there by then”, Andy said.
“Fine, see you there”, Melissa replied and cut the call.
Andy was pleasantly surprised and allowed himself to relax, he’d been expecting a much less agreeable reception. He didn’t know what he would say when he saw her, but he was sure that if he was honest when the time came, everything would work out. For now, the victory was that she’d accepted the invitation. That was all that mattered to him.
He turned on the radio, opting to listen to the drive time DJ’s instead of putting on his own music. Their friendly banter and call in listeners would take his thoughts away from the mind numbing exercise of sitting still in a sea of commuters.
It’d been some time since he’d bothered to listen to the everyday concerns of ordinary citizens and the time passed by much faster than he would’ve thought possible. Unfortunately…more of it had evaporated than he was able to spare. Eventually the clock had wound all the way to five-thirty before the traffic eased in to a fluid pace. He still had quite a journey ahead, so he drove at the maximum speed limit for the Firk.
The rain played at a more or less constant pace all the way through and for reasons that Andy could never comprehend, all motorists tended to drive far worse when it was raining. It was ten minutes after six when he was finally able to catch sight of the Firk. He didn’t park in the back as he normally did, but rushed instead to a parking spot closer to the main entrance. He got out of the car and ran to the front door as fast as he was able to without losing his footing.
There was a small crowd of people who’d gathered near the door to smoke and Andy had had to push his way through. When he entered, he found that the Firk was relatively calm inside. People went there for the outdoorsy atmosphere, not to be cooped up inside when it was raining. He stood just beyond the entrance and looked around till he spotted Melissa sitting quietly in a booth at the farthest end.
As he walked up to her she caught sight of him but remained expressionless, he didn’t think he was going to be greeted very warmly. He waved to her as he neared and said “hey”, with a little smile.
When Andy was in full view of Melissa her expression suddenly turned to surprise. She stood up in hurried concern, “what happened to you? You’re soaking wet”, she said and began feeling his clothes.
“Long story”, Andy said with a little wink, there was water skiing and a shark…it was crazy. I’ll tell you later. Sit”, he added pleasantly, hoping to lighten the mood.
Melissa had a beer in front of her and was just about to motion to her waiter to get one for Andy when he stopped her, taking hold of her other hand, “wagon day”, he said.
She lowered her raised hand and looked at Andy with a furrowed brow, “wagon day?”
Andy shrugged and said nothing but he didn’t let go of her hand. He looked at it while he thought about what he would say to her and absently began playing with her fingertips. A moment later the thought occurred to him that she didn’t pull her hand away. That being the case, he wondered if she might not be as angry with him as he’d anticipated, he decided to try his luck.
Twenty seconds later Melissa snapped him back in to the conversation, “you wanted to talk to me about something?”
Andy looked up with a serious expression on his face, “you still wanna do this thing?” he asked.
“What?”
“You and me”, he said with a hint of a lopsided grin.
Melissa tried and failed terribly at holding back a smile of her own. She looked away in an attempt to regain her composure. She didn’t want to give in too easily. When she looked back she was barely able to hold a straight face. “What are you offering?” She asked like a lawyer at the bargaining table.
“Till death do us part”, Andy said.
She couldn’t maintain the expression on her face any longer and the smile tore its way through. She looked away for a moment to try hiding behind her hair…then turned back with a serious expression. She nodded her head slowly and scrunched up her face, pretending to weigh out her options and the consequences of saying yes or saying no. Finally, she looked into Andy’s eyes and stared through him, wondering, just for a second, if he was being serious.
She held his gaze but he didn’t look away. “I’m in”, she said and squeezed his hand.
Andy smiled and felt truly happy. The feeling was stronger than all the poison he’d put into his body for the last year combined. “I love you”, he said.
“I love you too”, Melissa replied.
They both leaned over the table to kiss each other when two men wearing brown raincoats came to their booth, one to either side. They pushed Andy and Melissa back into their seats. Andy was about to shove the man next to him away when he calmly said, “wait”, and pointed to the second man who was sitting next to Melissa. There was a gun jammed against her ribs.
“Do you feel this?” The man next to Andy asked, similarly pushing a gun up against Andy. “Either one of you makes a move and the other gets a bullet”.
They were all silent for a moment while Melissa and Andy exchanged worried looks. “You’re in a room crowded with people, what are you trying to do? Rob us?” Andy asked, attempting glean his would be assailant’s intentions and level of competence.
“Easy”, Melissa snapped and nudged the man sitting next to her away, “do you see me trying to escape?” She asked. She was afraid but tried to follow Andy’s lead.
“Let us all calm down now”, the man sitting next to Andy said in a slow, stern manner. “Allow me to introduce ourselves, my name is Carl and the man sitting next to the woman is Stephan”.
Andy said nothing. He stared into Carl’s eyes trying to gauge the kind of person that he was dealing with. His mind began to race. He was trying to calculate a way out of the situation but every scenario ended with one or more people ending up dead…and that was just if they were lucky. It was too risky. He didn’t care if they killed everyone in the room but the one thing he wouldn’t do was take a chance with Melissa’s life. Both Carl and Stephan were calm and focussed. They looked like they knew what they were doing and Andy knew that if they were half as good as they appeared to be…it was a checkmate situation. His only option was to play along till an opportunity presented itself.
“Carl, Stephan”, Andy said and nodded to them both, “how can we be of assistance?”
“I’m glad that you asked”, Carl answered in his eastern European accent. “You’ve been something of a nuisance to my employer Mr. Maureau. My associates would like to have a word with you. We have been informed that this establishment is a place in which you are considered a regular customer. Stephan and I have been waiting for you these last two days. I have heard that you are not a man to be trifled with Mr. Maureau, and so, we were planning to let you intoxicate yourself…which, of course, we were given to understand you do quite frequently, then we were going to subdue you in the parking lot and take you with us”.
“So what happened?” Melissa spat defiantly. “Lost your nerve?”
“Mr. Maureau sat down and I noticed that he declined your offer for a drink”, Carl answered.
Andy wondered if Carl and Stephan had come about the drugs and the money, realizing that if he was right, then he and Melissa were probably as good as dead. He didn’t want to show them any fear though. He hoped that maybe, just maybe…they didn’t already know that he was a nobody and he’d be able to talk his way out of the situation. “The one time huh?” Andy said with a sigh.
“Unfortunately”, Carl said to Andy, returning him a smile, “and then I noticed that you have some affection for this one”, he said and nodded to Melissa. “Now I think to myself, we can control him if we can control her, he will come quietly, no unnecessary bloodshed. We decided that we would…let us say…improvise. I say this to you Mr. Maureau, so that you understand that I am a serious man, we are both professionals, are we not?”
