Purgatory Blues (2013), page 14
“Okay, shoot”, said Andy.
“Okay, so, like, this money that they’re making from pushing this snow, is like, totally up for grabs dude”.
Andy noticed that Eddie had switched from “bro” to “dude”, he was about to pitch an idea, but he didn’t want Andy to feel obligated. “Uh huh”, Andy said.
Eddie continued, “look, it’s like, they can’t report it as a crime if anyone steals it, because they shouldn’t have it in the first place, they’re peddling a fucking illegal substance to make that money, also it’s all undeclared cash that the tax man doesn’t even know about, so like, it’s money that doesn’t even exist”.
“Is this going where I think it’s going?” Andy asked, hoping it wasn’t what he thought, “robbing drug dealers has been the plot of about sixty-thousand movies, they always do it wrong and they always fuck it up. What’s your ingenious plot?”
“Oh yee of little faith”, Eddie said chidingly, “I’ve got this figured man, hear me out”.
“Okay”, Andy said with a laugh, “speak to me of this foolproof plan, regale me with the blueprints to this inspired heist”.
“Okay, okay, check it out, it’s really simple man, on a Thursday when they’re on their way back from the club okay? You find a spot on the road that’s nice and dark right? Like maybe at a traffic light with no one around, but they have to stop right? Then you, like, jam them up there and take the money”, Eddie had made it sound like he’d just cracked the grand unification theory.
“That’s gotta be the stupidest fucking plan I’ve ever heard in my life!” Andy shouted incredulously.
“Why bro, what’s wrong with it?” Eddie asked, thoroughly deflated.
Andy was livid, “Eddie, I could spend the better part of my lifetime going over what’s wrong with that plan. For starters, the minute you open your mouth, they’re going to know it’s you. No one else in the world sounds the way you do. Secondly, if you ask for the money, they’re going to know that it’s someone who knows them because you asked specifically for the money, you’re better of just car-jacking them, then at least it looks like it might be a coincidence. Third, interacting with anybody at all is just unnecessary, the best way to do it is so that no one even knows that it happened till days later”.
Eddie was paying attention like he was at a school for criminals, “yeah bro, yeah. So, like, how would you pull of this caper then?”
“Look”, Andy began, “I don’t know why we’re even talking about this, because you’re not going to do it, there’s too much risk involved, but if we’re talking hypothetically…”
“Yeah bro, totally hypothetical”.
“Okay, then here’s how I might do it”, Andy said, “the absolute first thing that you need to do is gather information, you need to know everything about your targets. You spend a minimum of two weeks surveilling their comings and goings. You need to know where they go, what they do, how they sleep, what they eat, everything. You need to know if when she goes to the crapper, is she going to pee or take a dump? You following me on this?”
“Yeah bro, know the target, check”, Eddie said.
“Then you’re going to need information about the place that you’re going to try and get in to. Does their home have a security system? If so, how do we circumvent it? If you throw around a bit of cash to the right people, it’s not difficult to get past your average home security system. If security gets really complex, then you’ve got to start weighing the buy in versus the pay off. Still with me?”
“For sure bro”.
“Now”, Andy continued, “once you’ve got that information, you can form a plan based on what windows of opportunity you have to get inside their premises. The car thing is completely unnecessary, let me tell you why”.
“Yeah?” Eddie was captivated.
“If they’re doing this stuff at home, the cutting and bagging, then their operation must be relatively small. This would lead us to believe that they don’t have a separate drop off point for the cash. Even if they are laundering it, there will still have to be a substantial amount secreted away somewhere at the house, along with a little stash of product. Yes?” Andy prompted Eddie to join the dots.
“Yeah bro, you’re right”, Eddie said thoughtfully.
“Okay, so what we want to do is find a window of opportunity, preferably the day after they’ve taken a big haul, and preferably at night when you’ve got about an hour or two uninterrupted. Maybe a two or three man crew gets in to the place, one guy tosses it to make it look like a burglary and he takes everything of value that he can fill his pockets with. It’s got to seem like he’s looking for jewelry and stuff like that. The other two guys find the stash and the money. It’ll most likely be in a safe. If you can’t crack it open, it’s probably just a house safe, so you can take it with you. Still following me?”
“Like a soldier follows a general bro!” Eddie said with a smile.
“Of course, before you even go in there you’ll have your alibis and shit sorted out, be kitted out in printless boots, covered head to toe, you’ll have scrubbed yourself thoroughly, even dead skin cells contain DNA. You get your gloves, balaclavas, all of that stuff. When the job is done and you’re leaving, throw out the drugs in a place where junkies frequent. They’ll pick it up and when the stuff shows up on the street, and it always does, it’ll lead suspicion elsewhere. See where I’m going with this?”
“Most definitely bro!”
“Destroy all the clothes that you used when you were pulling the job, everything that was in the house should not be anywhere near you. Throw all the knick-knacks from the house to the street as well. It’ll all wind up in the pawnshops. The final thing is not to spend any of the money that you’ve taken inside six to twelve months if you’re planning on staying in town. If you want to move the money some place else or launder it or whatever, that’s in the class I’m teaching tomorrow”, Andy said with a smile, “that, is how I’d do it”.
“Bro! You just belted out the perfect fucking heist like you’ve been doing it all your life!” Eddie said with wide-eyed fascination. “How the fuck do you know all this stuff?”
“I’m a writer, it’s my job to know this stuff”, Andy said smugly, “hey, and it’s all still hypothetical right?” he added.
“One hundred percent bro, totally hypothetical”, Eddie said.
“What’s hypothetical?” Cat asked, sneaking up on Andy from behind.
“Nothing babe, just shooting the breeze, what’s going on with you guys?” Eddie asked, easily diverting the topic.
“Well, I don’t have a drink and you two are being very unsociable, so you tell me?” Cat sounded precisely the way Eddie had described her earlier, the typical controlling girlfriend.
“Sorry babe, we’re coming now, we’re just waiting for the drinks”, Eddie said and gave Cat a kiss on the cheek.
She pushed him away from her, “just hurry up okay! God! You’re such a waste of space”, Cat said as she rolled her eyes and walked away.
When she was far enough away Eddie let out a loud sigh, “do you see what I’m dealing with bro? I haven’t had any photography jobs in two months and I’ve got this ball buster of a girlfriend constantly on my nut sack, what do I do bro?”
Andy was sure the question was rhetorical but he answered anyway, “just get drunk”, he recommended, “it’s working for me so far”.
“Let’s do it bro”, Eddie said.
They spent the next two hours drinking hard, there were at least three shots to every beer and they’d had at least five beers each. That’s when they stopped counting.
It was about two hours to midnight when Andy realized that they’d have to go skiing for him to be able to get home in one piece. He was just about to make a call to the local dealer when he remembered that he still had most of his gram from last night in his pocket.
The facilities at Outlaws weren’t exactly conducive to doing illicit substances, so Andy had to resort to plan B. They were all sitting together at the table and by that point they’d been joined by three more of Cat’s friends. No one was paying any attention to Eddie and Andy so he knew it wouldn’t be awkward to leave Cat unattended for a while. She was having a grand time chatting with all the people she’d invited and completely ignoring Eddie in the process.
“Hey Eddie”, Andy called out, “I feel like getting one of those hot dogs from that gas station down the road. Wanna come for a ride?” he asked, giving Eddie a wink and tapping his pocket with three fingers.
“Alright bro, let’s roll”, Eddie said, knowing exactly what Andy meant.
Outlaws was a cash bar so Andy didn’t have a tab to pay, they just left. When they got outside Andy headed for his car.
“What’s the deal bro? Are we going to pick up?” Eddie asked immediately.
“I’ve got it with me”, Andy said, “I’ll drive, you cut”.
“Excellent! I love a man who comes prepared!” Eddie said with glee. He looked at Andy and there was no expression on his face, “why are you so such a humorless bastard bro?” he said and pushed Andy hard, “cheer up man! It’s not the end of the world! The party’s just starting!”
Andy’s relationship with Eddie was a strange one. Eddie had always done most of the talking. He was just that kind of guy. They could hang out together for hours drinking, chatting and occasionally, even doing drugs, but he really knew very little about Andy and that’s the way Andy liked it.
He knew his personality, but nothing about what Andy did for a living or anything personal about him. All he knew for sure was that Andy was a smart guy and he was cool to hang out with. That was it. Andy wasn’t about to change any of that by elaborating on the reasons for his shift in temperament.
“I’m fine, asshole”, Andy said and pushed Eddie back playfully.
Eddie was nowhere near as tolerant of alcohol as Andy was and the little shove threw him off balance. Andy tried to save him but Eddie didn’t even bother to reach out. He stumbled and fell on his ass screaming, “fuck!”
The two of them burst in to uncontrollable laughter, “oh my god! That was the lamest fall ever!” Eddie announced to the entire parking lot in between his gasps for breath.
Andy helped him up and gave him a hug, “it was worth it. I needed a good laugh”.
“Glad I could help you out fucker!” Eddie said sarcastically through a smile, “see? I took one on the ass bone for you!”
“Come on, I’ve got something that’ll take away the pain”, Andy said with a chuckle.
“Yeah, let’s do this thing bro”, Eddie said with a slight grimace, feeling the sting of the impact.
They got in to Andy’s BMW and they set out at a deliberate pace. The plan was to weave through the first three blocks in the surrounding area. Eddie was aware of his duties as co-pilot and fell to the task. He grabbed a compact disc case and went to work the moment they’d pulled out of the parking lot and Andy handed him the gram.
“How much of how much bro?” Eddie asked politely.
“Use it all”, Andy said. “Just make two big ones”.
Eddie chopped for a minute and then pulled out a fifty, rolled it and snorted his line. “Whooo! It’s been a long fucking time man”, he said in exhilaration, the amount was more than he was used to having. “You ready?” he asked Andy.
“Hold on, there’s a straight coming up”. Andy had his rules about doing coke on the road. Always be in motion, always have a co-pilot and never deviate from trusted routes. As they came to a straight, flat patch of road, Andy took the case and the fifty from Eddie and he in turn took hold of the steering wheel.
Andy had his line in one quick go and passed the tools back to Eddie, “got it”, he said, taking back control of the wheel, “nice concise mission, thanks for the assist brother”, he added with a little sniff.
“I know the drill bro”, Eddie said, happy to be included in the operation.
They drove back to Outlaws and Andy pulled up as near to the entrance as he could, “would you say goodbye to me for Cat? I’m not going to come back in, I forgot that I was supposed to see another friend of mine tonight”, he said.
“Come on bro! Don’t bail now. The night is young! Come, one more drink”, Eddie said adamantly.
Andy could see that one drink would turn in to several with the mood Eddie was in. “Sorry dude, can’t help it, this is important, I want to get there while I’m still in condition to drive”, Andy said, hoping that Eddie would accept the excuse.
“Okay”, Eddie sighed, “I know you wouldn’t bail unless it was important bro”, he gave Andy a hug, “don’t be a stranger now hey, and give us a call when you get where you’re going so we know you arrived safe”, he said as he got out of the car.
“I will, catch you later brother, enjoy the rest of the night”, Andy said with a smile. He waved to Eddie as he drove out of the parking lot.
He wanted to see Sharon. The urge had hit him while he was driving around with Eddie. He didn’t know what her reaction to him would be when she saw him. He didn’t know if she even wanted to see him. When he was sober, which wasn’t for very long earlier in the night, he was pretty sure that the best thing to do would be to give her time. Now that he was drunk and high, it seemed like a perfectly good idea. In fact, it seemed like the best plan ever, he was going to see her and he was certain that everything would be just like their fight had never happened.
He put on an old “Emperor” album, “In the Nightside Eclipse” and began the drive. As he drove he decided that the music was too much for him in his current state, he switched it over to “Alice in Chains”, the album was “Black gives way to blue”.
He loved the feeling of being on autopilot. He just did whatever came to mind without any regard for the consequences. He didn’t have to have reasons, he just needed to want…and then act. It was the one thing that had sustained him over the last year. Thinking always led him to a place that he didn’t want to be in. It only led to misery. He changed the album again, putting on the first “Alice in chains” recording, “Facelift”. He went to the track “I can’t remember”.
When he got to Sink, a slight discomfort began to rear its ugly head. He sensed that the drugs were wearing off and he felt like the alcohol was about to wane with it. None of that was true however. It was merely his anxiety. He started to think that maybe he shouldn’t have been there. Memories of last night began to come back to him. He knew that he’d hurt Sharon more than he could know, and he wondered why he’d come back. Whatever the reason was, he was sure that it could only be selfish. He wanted to know that she was okay but he also knew that it was probably unreasonable to burden her with his presence only to put his mind at ease.
“Fuck it!” Andy said as he stepped out of the car. He made his way to the entrance and pushed the button at the door. Jen saw him through the gate. She pursed her lips and shot him an annoyed look but buzzed him in nonetheless.
When he walked in he could feel the eyes of everyone in the bar on him. He remembered the fight with Allen and then recalled that it wasn’t much of a fight, more like a one sided beating. The feeling that everyone was staring at him made him feel a mixture of embarrassment and stardom. It seemed like they were all talking about him in hushed tones. No one was being very subtle about it, some of them were even being crass enough to point at him before receiving firm nudges and jabs in the ribs from their friends. This was a drinking establishment though, so Andy couldn’t be too surprised at their lack of tact.
When he got to the bar Jen opened him up a cold beer and slid it all the way down the counter to him. Andy was sure she did it less for the style factor and more because she didn’t really want to have to talk to him. Andy caught the beer dexterously and drank it down in one go. He walked up to Jen and handed her a wad of cash, it would be enough to pay for the damages of the night before. “Your sister around tonight?” he asked.
“She’s in the office”, Jen said without looking up from whatever task she was pretending to be occupied with.
“Mind if I go back there?” Andy asked cautiously.
“Whatever”, she replied absently, “do what you want. You always do anyway”.
Andy took a deep breath that was quite audible as he suppressed the urge to respond to her comment. He knew he had no right to. He’d just broken her sister’s heart and trashed their bar the night before. Andy lifted the counter door and walked through without a word. He got to the office door and found it ajar. He wondered if he should knock but then opted to push it open a tad and peek in.
Sharon was sitting behind the desk with her face in her hands. Her head was down and she was crying. The first thought that came to Andy’s mind was “what is it with me and women?!” He wondered if it would be better to simply leave her be and come back another day, but for some reason that he couldn’t yet fathom, he was anchored to that spot. He wanted to go to her and comfort her in some way, but he knew the source of her pain couldn’t possibly the source of her comfort, still…he couldn’t stand to see her cry.
Andy’s feelings for Sharon eventually won the battle and he suddenly found himself crouched at her side stroking her back, “hey”, he said soothingly, “I’m so sorry about everything yesterday, please don’t cry”.
“What are you doing here?” She asked in between her sobs as she lifted her head.
“I just wanted to see you, I didn’t like how we left things yesterday and…” Andy suddenly ran out of words. He scolded himself mentally for not having thought things through before talking to her.
“Just go Andy”, Sharon said, turning away from him.
“No, I’m not going to leave you like this”, he said quietly. He was hoping she’d just forget everything and respond to his touch.
Unfortunately for Andy, touching her again only made her angry. “No!” Sharon yelled and slapped his hand away, “just go away! I don’t want you here!” She cried as she pushed him away repeatedly.
None of her efforts budged him in the slightest, he just stood there and allowed her to waste the energy and tire herself. “Please just give me a chance to explain, I didn’t mean for this to happen…”
