Hidden Kisses (Love in Sienna Series Book 2), page 9
Leah is lying on the couch with her head in my lap. We’ve been playing twenty questions for the last hour. I’ve enjoyed getting to know more about her. Her favorite color is purple, she likes milk chocolate, her favorite flowers are tiger lilies, she has a brother named Mason, she hates all boy bands except the Jonas Brothers, and her childhood dog’s name was Chewy.
“Biggest regret?” she asks while reaching for a handful of popcorn, which I’ve learned is her favorite snack.
“I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I regret a lot of things. Doing drugs, sleeping with too many women, drinking too much, being a class A douche.”
That earns me a giggle.
“But my biggest regret is from school. There was this one girl who I was so mean to. I was jealous of her. She always had her mom to pick her up from school. She was smart, so smart that she skipped a grade to be in my class. I was an idiot, barely passing. The only reason I had decent grades was because the teachers either felt sorry for me or liked me because I was a jock. I didn’t have a mom and I wished I didn’t have a dad. I know I shouldn’t have taken my frustration out on her, but it was so easy. And then, one day, she just wasn’t there anymore. I don’t know what happened to her. I wish I could apologize. I don’t ever want to be that guy again. I can’t believe I did some of the things I did to her.”
Leah hasn’t said a word and her eyes are huge. She must fucking hate me.
“What was her name?” she asks, and her body feels stiff.
“Patricia.”
Leah lets out a little squeak.
“What?”
“Nothing,” she says, sitting up quickly.
Putting a name to the person must make her realize that I really am an asshole. Is this confession going to make her want to walk away?
“Leah?” I lower my voice.
She bites her lip and looks out the window, avoiding eye contact.
“What is going on?” I ask.
She finally turns to me, still biting her lip. That is a fucking turn on, but I need to focus. Something is up, and I plan to figure out what.
“I know Patricia,” Leah finally whispers.
It’s my turn for my eyes to go wide. How could she know Patricia?
“What?”
“I shouldn’t be telling you this,” she sighs.
“How do you know Patricia? Has she talked about me?”
Leah nods. “Yeah. She hates you. You made her life a living hell, Johnny, and that’s why I shouldn’t be here. If she finds out I’m seeing you, I don’t know what will happen.”
I stare at her with a blank face. I’m still not computing. What is going on? Leah has never talked about a Patricia before.
“You’ve never spoken of a Patricia in your life before,” I tell her, still trying to figure this all out.
“Well, she doesn’t go by Patricia anymore,” Leah whispers. “Just Tia.”
I freeze when I finally start to connect the dots. Leah hated me before she found out about me breaking up Tia and Mikey.
“Tia is Patricia?” I clarify.
Leah nods.
For fuck’s sake. She’ll never forgive me, and neither will Mikey. He has to know Patricia is Tia. She wouldn’t have kept that from him. I’m pretty sure Mikey had a thing for Tia when we were kids. Now it makes sense, why their relationship was so strong early on. And I made them split up. How could anyone forgive something like that?
“You should go,” I whisper.
Leah grabs my hand, her face determined. “Why?”
“We won’t be able to work out. You’re going to choose Tia over me one day. Why put us through more heartbreak then we need to?”
Leah lets go of my hand and her shoulders slump.
“You’re probably right,” she whispers.
Standing, she grabs her purse and heads towards the door. She pauses for a moment, digging through her purse. She pulls out my key and places it on the small table.
“Goodbye, Johnny,” she whispers.
I can’t reply; my throat is coated in emotion. If I say anything, it will probably be to beg her to stay, but I can’t do that either. She needs to go. The only way she will ever be mine is if I can get forgiveness, and that won’t ever happen.
It’s been weeks since I’ve spoken to Leah, but I can’t get her out of my head. I’ve been able to push thoughts of her aside at games, so my team is still doing well, but I’m barely sleeping, and I know I’m going to burn out soon.
I’m off tomorrow, so I’m contemplating drinking. But then I realize getting drunk isn’t the answer. It might help for a night, but I can’t do it every night. And tomorrow, I have a fundraiser planned for the sick kids’ hospital.
I made a promise that I was going to turn my life around, and I’m not going to break that promise just because God is punishing me for my wrongdoings. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy.
Life moves on. Time keeps ticking. The world still turns.
Johnny creeps into my dreams every night, and every morning, he isn’t there. I try to push him out of my thoughts and move on with my day. I will not allow myself to continue to be hung up on him. He’s just a guy. I will find someone else eventually. My heart will move on and I will no longer think about him.
This is for the best, I remind myself.
My phone starts ringing, and I smile as Rayna’s bright red hair pops on my screen.
“Hey, bitch. You ready for the game?” I ask as I answer.
Rayna giggles. “Yes. I’m so excited! Are we taking an Uber?”
“Yes! I’m calling it shortly, and then we’ll come get you!”
“Yay! I miss your face. Are you sure you’re going to be okay with being so close to Johnny?”
I feel my chest contract. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have to be okay with it.
I’ve had this conversation with her nearly a hundred times. I’m so done with it.
“I’m the world’s biggest Grey Wolves fan. I’m not letting sex with a random guy ruin that,” I insist.
Of course, Johnny isn’t just some random guy. And yes, it was more than just sex, but still. I won’t let my life change just because of some stupid feelings that I can’t act on.
I have to push through this. I have to move on. And going to this game is the first step in doing that.
“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit. Bye,” Rayna says before hanging up.
On the car ride over to Rayna’s, I check my makeup again. I may have spent extra time getting ready today, just in case I make it on the jumbotron. If Johnny sees me, I want to look amazing. If rotation continues how it has been, Johnny will be playing today.
Ugh. I shouldn’t be thinking about him, but it’s so hard not to. So many things remind me of him. It’s not even like he broke my heart. We just can’t be together, which makes this so much harder. If I was angry at him, this would be easier, but I harbor no animosity towards him. Not anymore. Just sadness that the world is such a cruel and unusual place.
“You look amazing!” Rayna beams as she gets into the car.
“Thanks.” I blush and give her a gentle push. “You clean up nice yourself.”
She nods and gives me a knowing look.
“Trying to impress a certain sexy pitcher?” she asks, raising an eyebrow at me.
More heat rises to my cheeks, and I want to smack that cheeky grin off her beautiful face.
“Girl, I think you need to talk to Tia. Maybe she’ll understand and be okay with you seeing Johnny. I’ve never seen you this smitten with anyone before, even your serious boyfriends.”
I bark out a laugh. “Yeah, right. Would you be okay if I was dating the one guy who tortured you in school, and then, years later, ruined your relationship with your one true love? And almost cost you everything?”
Rayna bites her lip and lowers her gaze. “Good point.”
I nod and look out the window. The cars and buildings pass by in a blur.
I wish I lived in a different world. Where Johnny had no connection to Tia or Mikey. Where we could be together without someone getting hurt.
“She forgave Mikey after he treated her like crap. Maybe she can forgive Johnny too,” Rayna says.
I know she’s just trying to help, but she doesn’t know Tia like I do. She doesn’t know how deep the hurt goes.
“Maybe one day,” I mumble.
I don’t turn to look at her. I don’t need to see the look of pity on her face. I don’t need to be pitied. I have a great life, just a shitty love life.
Rayna grabs my hand and we sit in silence for the rest of the ride to the stadium.
We enter the stadium, and I immediately feel alive. The atmosphere at the stadium is otherworldly to me. The people, the smells, the beer. Nothing is better than being immersed in an environment of people who love baseball as much as we do.
My ears are filled with chatter and laughter as we enter. I can already feel the energy seeping into my veins. I’m sure my smile is from ear to ear.
I look at Rayna, and she has the same smile, her green eyes shining with pure joy. We are kindred spirits that way, both feeding off of vibes of other people. The stadium is our happy place. It’s impossible not to almost feel high from all the energy.
A shriek of pure joy gets my attention. I turn to see a little girl laughing with her dad, and I think back to all the times my dad brought me and my brother here. He passed away a few years ago. I still miss him, but life moves on.
Mason and I got closer because of it. Our mother left when I was three and he was one. I don’t even remember her. That’s how Tia and I became so close. Her mother was never in the picture either, so it was a mutual thing to bond over.
We met when she first started working for Eaststreet Consulting. My dad was the lawyer for the Broken Hearts and I was just starting law school. She had a contagious personality. We became instant best friends.
I watch closely as the dad picks up his little girl and puts her on his shoulders. It’s times like these that I really miss my dad.
As if reading my mind, Rayna squeezes my hand. She is still really close with her parents, and I’m happy for her. I miss my dad, but she never makes me feel like she’s better than me because she still has both her parents.
I look at Rayna and smile. There is a game to watch. Onward, we shall go.
As we get to our seats with two beers each, I am so excited. I’m buzzing off the beer and the energy.
The visiting team is warming up now, and man, do I love the view. Nothing hotter than a man with a nice ass in those tight pants.
I glance over at Rayna, who is practically drooling.
“Maybe you should get some napkins so you can wipe that drool off your mouth,” I tease.
“Ha, ha. Very funny.” She glares at me before breaking out into a full belly laugh.
The game is finally starting, and I can’t explain what emotion I’m feeling. I have a tightness in my chest and my whole body is vibrating.
The Grey Wolves come out, taking the field first. The crowd goes crazy and, normally, so would I. But the second I see Johnny, my breath is taken away from me. Fuck, he looks so hot. And that ass. Damn. It’s not like it’s my first time seeing him like this. Hell, I’ve even seen him naked. But I haven’t seen him in the flesh in weeks, and I forgot what he does to me.
Rayna looks over at me, and I feel like I’m about to pass out. My chest is tight and I feel like my heart is going to pound out of my chest. I can’t get a full breath and my head is pounding.
“Maybe this was a bad idea,” I whisper, feeling the panic set in.
I place my head in my hands and squeeze my eyes tight, trying to take deep breaths. I used to get panic attacks all the time as a little kid, but I haven’t had one in years. Why the fuck am I having one now?
Rayna sits next to me and grabs my arm. “You’ve got this. Just take deep breaths.”
I continue the breathing exercises and the panic slowly floats away.
“Since when do you get panic attacks?” Rayna questions.
“I haven’t had one since I was a kid. I don’t know why seeing Johnny brought one on.”
She frowns at me. “Do you want to leave?”
I shake my head. “No. This is my team. I’ll have to get over whatever the hell this is.”
She gives me a tight smile and turns her attention back to the game.
How am I supposed to move on with my life, when just the sight of Johnny makes me feel like this?
After I focus myself, I’m able to turn my attention back to the game. The Grey Wolves are playing an amazing game. Johnny is doing fantastic, as usual, but the whole team just seems so in sync.
The game is flying by before I even realize it’s the seventh inning stretch. The kiss cam is on, picking its unsuspecting victims. Rayna and I laugh at all the awkwardness, but then I see my face on the screen. The guy next to me is gross and sweaty and has the creepiest smile I’ve ever seen. I shake my head at him, then turn to Rayna and plant a sloppy kiss on her mouth. All the guys around us cheer and Rayna can’t stop laughing.
“Thanks for saving me,” I whisper to her, but I’m not even sure she can hear me over her bout of hysterics.
The rest of the game goes by fairly fast. It still stings to see Johnny, but I’m getting through it. The universe works in strange ways. I don’t know what my future holds, but I know Johnny’s not a part of it.
“Pass the pepperoni pizza,” I say to Rayna, who is closer than I am. I’m too lazy to stand up.
She reaches over and just when I think she’s going to place the last piece on my plate, she brings it to her mouth and takes a bite.
“You bitch!” I gasp, my mouth hanging open.
She smiles, fighting back a laugh and trying not to choke.
“Mmm, it’s so good.” She waggles her eyebrows at me.
This bitch has a death wish, I swear. Glaring at her, I grab the last piece of ham and pineapple. Rayna is the one who wanted it. Why didn’t she eat her own damn pizza?
“Do you want a soda?” I ask, standing to go to the kitchen.
“Sure, please,” she says after her last bite.
As I grab the sodas, I make sure to give hers a good shake. I keep my eye on her as she opens it, and the brown liquid flies everywhere.
“Son of a bitch!” Rayna yells, standing up.
“Payback,” I giggle.
I’m going to have to clean up a huge mess, but it was totally worth it.
Rayna runs to the bathroom to clean up, and I tend to the mess in my living room.
“Okay, it’s time for me to go. I’m sticky and smell like Pepsi,” she says.
I can’t help but giggle at how ridiculous she looks.
“I’m pretty sure bees are going to follow me to my car,” she groans.
“I love you. Sorry. That you got way more covered than I thought you would.”
She smiles. “It’s all good. I deserved it. I don’t even like pepperoni pizza. I just like fucking with you.”
I smile and push her.
“Get out of here before I pour more soda on you.” I narrow my eyes at her before breaking out into a fit of giggles.
I give Rayna a hug and close the door.
After I pour myself a glass of wine, I get back to cleaning up my mess. Staring at my chair, I think it’s fucking stained. Why did I think white furniture was a good idea?
I’ve been cleaning this chair for a half an hour and it’s not getting any better. Leaning back on my hands and staring at the ugly stains, I hear my phone ping.
Johnny: Do you know how hard it is to play professional baseball when you see the girl of your dreams kissing another chick?
I blush, and I feel my heart skip a beat. Girl of his dreams?
I guess he was there to see the kiss. I had already completely forgotten about the kiss.
I shouldn’t reply. But I’m two glasses of wine in, and tipsy Leah is just about as bad as drunk Leah.
Me: Liked that, did you?
His reply is almost instant.
Johnny: Liked it? I wanted to run up there and join in on the fun. I miss the taste of your lips.
I smile. Just the thought of his lips on mine sends tingles down my whole body.
Me: Why don’t you come over and show me how you would have kissed me?
Johnny: On my way.
Oh, fuck. I didn’t expect him to actually respond. He was the one who pushed me away. I thought he was just bored and flirting.
I guess this is happening. Again.
I don’t know why I’m in my truck right now, driving over to Leah’s place. This is a horrible fucking idea. It’s only going to leave us both more broken, but here I am anyway.
When I saw her on the jumbotron making out with some redhead, my dick immediately stood at attention. Do you know how hard it is to hide an erection in baseball pants? Let’s just say it would be easier to bury a body in broad daylight.
Even thinking about it right now is giving me a chub. I slap my hand on the steering wheel and shake my head. Did I turn into a fifteen-year-old boy when I met Leah?
There is just something about this woman. No matter how much I tell myself we shouldn’t be together, I just want her more. Colors are brighter when she’s around, food tastes better, flowers smell sweeter, and life is just more worth living.
Yep, it’s finally happened. I have turned into a fucking pussy.
But ever since I pushed her away from me, I’ve just been going through the motions. I’m not happy. When I was holding her, life felt…complete. I want her in my bed. I want to share my life with her, but it’s not fair to her to have to lie to her best friend.
For years, I’ve only had Mikey. I don’t let people get close. I don’t have friends. I didn’t want to have more, but for the small moment I had Leah, I felt what true happiness was. I never knew that life could be like that.
I need to figure out a way to make this work. To get Tia and Mikey to forgive me, so I can have the woman of my dreams. The only woman who has ever made me want more. The only woman who has made me change, made me want to be a better man. Leah woke up a part of me I thought was dead. A part of me I thought didn’t exist. I like the man I see when I look in the mirror now, and it’s all thanks to her.
