I smile. Leave it to Tia to dream big, but it’s actually a great idea.

  “I’ll oversee everything and take a large role in Mikey and Dustin’s careers, but I’ll hire someone to go on tour with them and manage that side of things,” she continues.

  I grab my pen and paper and start making notes. I know she’s going to ask me to be her lawyer, and with companies like this, there are a lot of contracts that will have to be drawn up.

  “I want our company to be unique. I want to not only be available to manage everything, but also have a PR side, which I think Crystal should run,” she tells me.

  “That’s a great idea,” I say enthusiastically. “It will really set you apart from all the other companies out there. And Crystal is the perfect choice for a PR manager. She’s young and will have fresh ideas, but she also doesn’t take shit from anyone.”

  “Yay! I’m glad you’re on board, which brings me to my next subject. Will you be the lawyer for the company?”

  I laugh. “I have to run it by the bosses, but they never turn down money. I can pass on some of my clients to Sophia, our other female lawyer, so that I’ll be more available for the larger workload I know will be coming my way.”

  Tia squeals, and I smile.

  “Thank you so much,” she giggles. “I’ve been working on the draft for the business plan. I’ll email it over to you this week. Love you so much.”

  “Love you too, hon,” I tell her and hang up.

  I’m really excited to start this journey with Tia. She is smart and has always been business-savvy. I can already tell this business is going to be a huge success.

  Me: Are you on a break day, or does Mikey have a concert tonight?

  Tia: Break day, thank God.

  I hit the button and give her a call.

  “Hey, girl. What’s going on?” she answers.

  I feel like I’m hyperventilating.

  “My period is three days late,” I say, and I can hear my own voice shaking.

  “Calm down, Leah,” she soothes me. “Have you taken a test?”

  “Not yet. How am I going to talk to Johnny about this?”

  I know I want kids, but we haven’t spoken about this. And this isn’t really the ideal way to have this conversation.

  “Just be honest, sweetie. He loves you. I’m sure it will be fine.”

  She pauses for a moment, and I don’t even know how to respond.

  “But maybe take a test first, so you know for sure,” she suggests.

  “Yeah, good idea. Thanks for letting me call you and have my freak-out,” I sigh.

  “Anytime. That’s what best friends are for. I’ll be home soon, and we can hang out. Let me know what the test says.”

  “I will. Love you.”

  “Love you too. Bye,” she says.

  We hang up, and I decide it’s time to go home. Johnny will still be at work, so I can take the test by myself.

  “Hey, babe. How was your day?” Johnny asks, coming into the living room.

  “Um, interesting,” I say, looking at my feet. I flex them up and down, trying to get the courage to have this conversation. “Can you come sit down so we can talk?”

  He walks over and sits down. “What’s up?”

  “So, my period is three days late, and I took a pregnancy test.”

  His eyes go wide, and he doesn’t say anything.

  “It came back negative. I still have to wait and make sure my period comes, but I’m probably not pregnant,” I tell him.

  His whole body visibly relaxes.

  “Thank fuck,” he sighs.

  “Would that have been a bad thing?” I ask, looking away. It’s hard to look at him right now.

  “Would it be a bad thing?” he scoffs, raising his voice. “Yeah, it would fucking be a bad thing, Leah. I don’t want kids.”

  My chest feels tight, and I feel my stomach fall.

  “Ever?” I ask.

  “No, I don’t ever want kids.” His voice is hard, and I don’t even know what to say.

  I hang my head. How come we didn’t have this conversation sooner? I figured he wouldn’t want them now, but not ever? I’m not sure if this is going to work if he won’t even talk to me about the possibility of it.

  “I want kids,” I whisper.

  “This isn’t fucking negotiable, Leah. I don’t want kids,” he growls.

  I stand up and walk to the kitchen, picking up my keys, then head to the door. I can’t stay here right now. He isn’t even willing to talk to me. Not negotiable? Really? I feel the tears threatening to break loose.

  “Where are you going?” Johnny says, grabbing my arm and stopping me.

  “I can’t be here right now. I just need time to think.”

  “So, you’re just fucking walking out on me!” he yells.

  “Well, you’re not willing to talk, Mr. This-Isn’t-Negotiable, so, yeah. I’m walking out.” I turn to the door and leave.

  Are we over? I think to myself.

  How can we make this work, if he is absolutely against kids?

  I drive to Rayna’s house, not knowing where else to go. I finally rented out my condo, so I can’t go there. Knocking on her door, I feel defeated. I finally found love. I finally found the man I want to spend forever with, and of course something had to fuck that up.

  The tears are flowing down my cheeks when Rayna opens the door.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t call, but I just didn’t know where else to go,” I say between my tears.

  She pulls me into her arms and closes the door behind us. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

  “I think it’s over between Johnny and I.” I fall to my knees, losing all strength in my body.

  “It’s going to be okay,” Rayna says, petting my hair.

  “How? I don’t see how it will ever be okay,” I sob.

  “Come on, let’s go to the living room. The floor is uncomfortable. Your ass will fall asleep.”

  I give her a small smile, because that was funny and true. I get up and make my way to her couch. Logically, I know life will go on, but right now I don’t know how.

  “Are you sure you’re cool with me staying here for a week?” I ask Rayna one more time.

  She rolls her eyes, clearly frustrated at the question. “For the millionth time, yes.”

  I’ve decided I need some time to think things through, and I know I won’t be able to do that living with Johnny. Being around that sexy man would be like placing a box full of donuts in front of someone on a diet. If history is any indication, I have a hard time resisting him. I need to figure out what I want in life and do some soul-searching.

  “Come on, Leah. Let’s get going. Johnny should be at his game, so you can grab your stuff without seeing him,” Rayna says, bringing me back to reality.

  I nod. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s get going.”

  I’m overwhelmed as I enter Johnny’s house. His scent fills my nose and I inhale deeply.

  “I don’t think I can do this,” I say to Rayna, turning around.

  I can’t be here. The memories are flooding back, and I just want him. This is too much.

  Her shoulders slump, and she lets out a sigh. “Give me your letter and go sit in the car. I’ll grab you some clothes.”

  I wrap my arms around her, holding tight. “Thank you. I’m clearly no good at this.”

  “I’ve got you, girl. Now, go outside so I can get your shit and we can go home.”

  I nod again. I reach into my purse and pull out the note I wrote for Johnny and, after handing it to Rayna, I head to the car.

  I don’t want us to be over, but I need time to think. If we are both on polar ends of this decision and he’s not even willing to entertain the possibility of having kids, is there even a chance for us?

  It’s quiet when I walk into the house. Too quiet. Leah clearly isn’t here. I know she was here while I was at work because my security system told me, but she obviously didn’t stay.

  I walk into the kitchen and see a piece of paper that wasn’t there this morning. It’s in Leah’s handwriting.

  Is she seriously breaking up with me with a note?

  I open it, realizing that I need to see what she wants to tell me, regardless of what it is.

  Dear Johnny,

  I’m not breaking up with you, but I need some time. And I can’t think when I’m near you.

  I want one week. Please don’t reach out to me. Just let me think this through.

  I love you, but whether I’m willing to give up the chance to be a mother is a huge decision. I wish you would have talked to me the night I brought it up instead of shutting me down. But since you didn’t give me the courtesy of talking it through, I have to think this out on my own now.

  I will call you in one week so we can meet up. By then, hopefully, we both will have had time to get our thoughts straight and we can decide what the next step is.

  I want kids, Johnny, and I’m not sure if I will be happy without them. But I also don’t want to pressure you into doing something that you don’t want to do. That will leave us both miserable.

  I will spend this week doing some soul-searching. Please do the same.

  I love you with all my heart.

  Talk to you soon.

  Love,

  Leah

  I fold the letter up gently and place it back on the counter.

  I can’t be a father. I’ve known it for a long time; kids are not for me.

  Everything inside me is telling me that this is over. If she wants kids that bad, I’m not the man for her. But there is something else. A nagging voice in my head telling me I need her.

  I finally had her in my hands. We were out in the open, and life was great. Why is there always another wall to hit?

  I thought I was finally allowed to be happy. But I guess when you’ve fucked up as much as I have, happiness isn’t allowed.

  “Good game,” Coach says, slapping everyone on the back.

  Yeah, good fucking game. Another one I couldn’t play.

  I walk out of the locker room, not needing to shower because it’s not like I did anything today besides sit on the bench and pretend to be happy.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket and I quickly pull it out, hoping it’s Leah. It’s been four days of hell. Maybe she’s decided to talk early.

  Staring at the stupid face of my best friend, my heart falls. Not Leah. Just Mikey.

  “What?” I snap at him.

  Okay, that wasn’t the nicest thing to do, but I’m fucking miserable.

  “Woah, no need to bite my head off. Just wondering how you’re doing,” he says.

  I want to scream. “Just fucking peachy. Leah isn’t talking to me, and when she does, we are probably breaking up. So, you know, fan-fucking-tastic.”

  I throw my bag into the bed of the truck and climb into the cab.

  “I know some of the story from Tia, but tell me your side, man,” he requests.

  I let out a sigh. “She wants kids, and I don’t. Not much more to the story. I highly doubt she is going to change her mind, so we have no future.”

  “Why don’t you want kids?”

  “I can’t,” I tell him while grabbing a baseball from the passenger seat and starting to throw it gently up and down.

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’ll turn out like him.” I stop throwing the ball and just squeeze it.

  “Like who?” he asks.

  Really? He of all people should know the answer to that. I want to throw the ball through my windshield.

  “Like my fucking father!” I yell.

  Isn’t it obvious? According to everyone, he was completely normal and a great guy before I was born. So apparently, I fucked up something in his brain when I entered the world.

  “How many times do I have to tell you that you’re not him?” Mikey sighs.

  “He was normal before me. Who’s to say I won’t turn out exactly like him? I can’t do that to Leah or a kid.”

  I run a hand over my face. I won’t turn out like him, but in order to ensure that, I can’t have kids.

  “Johnny William Crown, that is enough. If you don’t smarten the fuck up, I’m sending my mom over there,” he growls.

  I smile and think back to all the times Mrs. Ecosta would slap me upside the head for being an idiot.

  “Do you really think I could be a good dad?” I finally ask.

  “I’m not going to lie to you; being a parent isn’t easy. But it changed my life. I couldn’t imagine life without CeCe. And now the twins are on the way, and I couldn’t be happier. You may have fucked up a lot of things in the past, but that doesn’t mean you are going to fuck up being a parent. And I can guarantee you won’t turn out like your dad. You’re not him, Johnny. I know deep down under your ‘I don’t give a fuck’ attitude, you’re a good guy. I’ve seen it. Now you just have to believe it.”

  “Thanks for talking to me, man, but I still don’t know.”

  “Well, think it through. You still have three days to go, right?”

  “Yeah,” I sigh. “Do you think that will be long enough to make this big of a decision?”

  “That’s up to you. You don’t have to start trying to have kids tomorrow. She just wants you to be open to the idea of having them one day,” he tells me.

  “Thanks, man. Looks like I have a lot to think about,” I sigh.

  “Good luck, and don’t forget to pull your head out of your ass.”

  I laugh, and I feel it in my belly. “Bye.”

  I put my phone on the passenger seat and start the truck.

  Can I be a father without turning into my father? Am I willing to try? I have a lot of thinking to do.

  “Still being my silly boy, I see,” Mom says.

  I smile sadly. “I don’t want to hurt someone the way he hurt you and me.”

  “You won’t. You aren’t him. He was a sick man.”

  I nod. I’ve heard all of this before.

  “Have you ever hurt someone?” she asks.

  I roll my eyes. Well, yes, I have, but not in the way she’s talking about. I’ve never laid a hand on anyone who didn’t deserve it.

  “No, but he didn’t hurt anyone before I was born, either,” I tell her.

  Mom places her hand on my cheek. “Oh, my sweet child, just because his friends thought he was fantastic and kind, that doesn’t mean he always was. Doors close for a reason. You aren’t the reason your father hit me. He was hateful and hurtful before you. Other people just didn’t know about it.”

  I think back to all the things Mom told me when I was young. She always told me he was a hurtful man, and it was never my fault. I just never listened.

  She loved him, and that’s why she never left.

  I have never had the thought to hurt someone. Well, not since I’ve been an adult and not a stupid teenager. And even then, I didn’t really want to hurt anyone. I was just hurting myself and lashing out. I’ve never hurt a woman. And not that I’ve spent lots of times around children, but they never made me angry just by being around. In fact, I enjoy the work I’ve been doing for the sick kids’ charities.

  My father was angry at my very existence.

  “Do you think I would make a good father?” I ask, but she’s gone.

  I guess I have to answer that for myself.

  “Hello?” Tia answers.

  I’m not even sure why I called her. Maybe because I know she doesn’t particularly like me and she knows better than most what kind of person I used to be, so I know she’s not just going to tell me what she thinks I want to hear.

  “Um, hey.” I grab the back of my neck, trying to think of what I wanted to say.

  “Is there a reason you called or do you just like listening to my breathing?” she jokes.

  I chuckle. “I know you said you forgive me. But you know how I used to be. Would I make a good father? Or am I just bound to fall back into my old ways and end up hurting my kids and Leah?”

  Tia sighs. “You’ve changed, Johnny. I’ve seen it. How do you feel when Leah cries?”

  I don’t even have to think. The answer is easy.

  “It tears me apart. I would do anything to prevent her from crying. When I’m the reason she cries, I want to punch myself in the face.”

  “And how do you feel about never seeing her again?” she asks.

  “It makes me want to puke. She has brought so much joy into my life. It would be empty without her. This week without her has been hell. I don’t sleep. I’m not eating. I just want to see her face. Her smile. I love her with all my heart.”

  She giggles, and I smile.

  “Then there’s your answer,” she tells me. “She wants kids, and I understand your reservations, but I don’t think you would hurt them.”

  I nod like she can see me, and then shake my head.

  “You and Leah will fight,” she continues. “There are going to be good days and bad days. She may cry, because parenting is hard. But honestly, I see how you look at her and how much you love her. You won’t fuck this up.”

  “Thanks, Tia,” I sigh. “I guess I just hate who I used to be so much and I really don’t want to be that guy again.”

  “Then you won’t. You are the only one in control of who you are. If you don’t want to hurt Leah or your kids, you won’t. I promise you.”

  “I’m glad I called you. Never thought I would be having a heart-to-heart with you, but I’m glad Mikey found you. You’re a pretty awesome person. I’m really sorry for everything, Tia.”

  “Enough apologizing, Johnny,” she chuckles. “Now, go tell my bestie all of this and start making beautiful babies. My kids need play buddies.”

  I laugh and feel so much better. “I don’t know about that; I think we’ll still take our time before kids. Maybe even get married before we pop out our first one.”

  “Yeah that’s a smart idea,” she giggles.

  “Thanks again, Tia,” I chuckle. “Talk soon.”

  I hang up, and know I need to come up with a big apology.

  I’m so uncomfortable in this monkey suit, and this tie feels like it’s suffocating me. I pull on it for the eightieth time and sigh. Leah was supposed to be here thirty minutes ago.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21