I want to tell someone what’s going on, but then he’ll definitely kill me.

  My eyes fling open. Why won’t these nightmares just stop? Why do I have to relive my shitty past in my fucking dreams?

  “Mom?” I say looking up. “If you can hear me, I need your help. I’m done acting like him. I don’t want to live my life like that anymore.”

  I put my face in my hands, and for the first time since I was a kid, I cry.

  I cry for the loss of my mom. For the loss of my best friend. And for the loss of the woman who I want, but who won’t have me.

  Let go of the hurt. Let go of the anger. Let them in.

  It’s like I can hear my mom’s voice.

  I take a ragged breath. Time to change. Time to be a better man.

  I stand by the doorway for a while, just staring at her sleeping body. I don’t want to leave, but it’s not the time to stay. Things have to change first. I have to change first.

  “Have you seen Johnny’s Instagram lately?” I ask Rayna.

  The music in the bar is playing at a low volume and the humming of people talking fills my ears.

  “Yes!” she exclaims. “He was so cute with those kids. All the magazines are talking about his change.”

  Johnny hosted a baseball camp for sick kids. He’s been doing a lot of charity work and cleaning up his act. The old player, “fuck the world” Johnny, has been replaced with a caring and compassionate man. At least on social media. Everyone is talking about the change in him. Some people are saying Johnny has cancer because of his sudden change, but I don’t think that’s the case.

  “Do you think he really has cancer?” Rayna asks, snapping me from my thoughts.

  I shake my head. “No. I think he just is finally realizing it’s time to grow up and change.”

  I think back to the night where I was so drunk and making a fool of myself. Johnny didn’t take advantage of me, when he so easily could have. And I strangely remember him saying something about being a better man. Maybe that’s what he is doing?

  I take a breath, remembering the empty feeling I had when I woke up without him in my bed. I shouldn’t have wanted him there, but I did.

  My hate for him is melting away, and my feelings for him are growing.

  “You’re probably right,” Rayna says. “I’ll be right back. I have to go to the bathroom.”

  I watch her leave and pull out my phone.

  I’ve had a couple glasses of wine and I’m buzzed just enough to shoot off a text.

  Me: You look good helping kids.

  Johnny: Why, thank you. You look good always.

  Me: What are you up to tonight?

  Johnny: Anything you want.

  My cheeks heat, and I know I’m turning bright red.

  Me: Don’t you have a game tomorrow?

  Johnny: Yes, but I can hang out for a bit. I just don’t drink anymore.

  A smile creeps across my face.

  Me: You really are changing. So, is it true? Do you have cancer?

  Johnny: LOL! That’s my favorite rumor going around. No, I don’t have cancer. I just want to be a better man.

  Me: Do you want me to come over there?

  Johnny: I would like that a lot.

  I’m sure my smile is taking over my whole face now. He makes me giddy. Why am I so drawn to the one guy I should be running from?

  “Why the dopey look?” Rayna asks.

  I fumble to put my phone away.

  She narrows her eyes at me. “You were texting Johnny, weren’t you?”

  I could lie, but I hate lying to my friends. “Yes.”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “You’ve seen it for yourself, Rayna. He’s changing.” I sigh. “Maybe Tia can forgive him one day. And anyway, we’re just talking.”

  Rayna’s shoulders slump and she lets out a sigh. “I know you’re smitten with him, hon, but is he really worth risking your relationship with your best friend?” She grabs my hand. “You hate lying, and you’re going to have to do a lot of lying if you start a secret relationship.”

  I mull her words over in my head. She’s not wrong, but I just have this feeling in my heart. I have to try.

  “I appreciate your concern, but I’m a big girl. I can handle this,” I insist.

  Walking up to Johnny’s front door, my palms are sweaty. I rub them on my pants and take a deep breath.

  Shit. I shouldn’t be here.

  Abort mission! Abort!

  I’m about to turn around when the front door swings open.

  “About to run away?” he asks as he leans against the door frame.

  I bite my lip and I see his eyes zoom in on my mouth. Way to be subtle, dude.

  “Maybe?” I look at the ground and shove my hands in my pockets. “I shouldn’t be here.”

  I look up at him through my lashes. He looks so good in his grey sweats and no shirt. Why isn’t he wearing a shirt? How is a girl supposed to concentrate when he resembles a fucking god? Those lines on his hips make smart girls go stupid.

  His smile lights up his face. Is it just my imagination, or does he look better since he quit drinking?

  “You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to, but I would really like to hang out.” He steps down and grabs my hand. “I don’t really have friends, and I would like you to be one.”

  I can’t help the smile that comes across my face. “Okay.”

  I follow him inside, trying to slow my racing heart down. I’d normally ask for a glass of wine to calm my nerves, but since Johnny is staying sober, I feel obliged to do the same.

  I’m sitting on the comfiest couch ever when Johnny comes back into the room with two glasses.

  “I found this awesome store that makes the best fresh juice,” he tells me.

  I take a sip and moan. Hot damn. This is the best juice I’ve ever had. I hear Johnny groan, and I think it’s because of the sounds I’m making.

  I feel the heat come to my cheeks again. What is it about Johnny that makes me so nervous, yet so comfortable at the same time? Everything feels upside-down when I’m with him. I’m normally so in control of my body and my reactions. Nothing throws me off-balance, but Johnny does, and I think I like it.

  “So, tell me something personal about you,” I say. “I know what the papers write, and what you post on social media, but Tia’s my best friend, so I know better than most that that’s all posed and doesn’t really tell the truth about you.”

  If I’m going to risk losing my best friend, I need to know he’s worth it. If he won’t open up and show me who he really is, I have to end this. Whatever this is.

  He takes a sip of juice and ponders the question. “What do you want to know?”

  I smile. “Everything.”

  He takes my hand, as if needing strength from me. “You’ll hate me forever if I tell you everything.”

  I stroke my thumb over the back of his hand. “I already hated you. I don’t think it’s possible to hate you more.”

  He chuckles. Ugh, that smile is perfect. He needs to stop doing things that make my heart flip.

  “I had a really shitty upbringing. My mom showed me what love was and showed me how to be strong, but she was ripped out of my life when I just a snot-nosed kid.” He takes a ragged breath. “I don’t talk about my life, Leah. I keep everyone at arm’s length, but I want to let you in.”

  I squeeze his hand. “We don’t have to do this tonight, Johnny. If it’s hard, you can take your time and open up when you want to.”

  He shakes his head. “No, you need to know it all now. And then you can decide if you want me in your life or not.”

  I don’t say a word. I just nod for him to continue.

  “My dad beat the shit out of me my entire life. I don’t know why my mom stayed. I was too young to understand. She would take the punishments meant for me; she didn’t want me to get hurt. I knew she loved me; she just radiated this love.” He grabs the back of his neck and pauses for a moment. “The night she died, she’d bought me a present. It was my seventh birthday and my father hated spending money on me. But she snuck a small toy truck in for me. When he found out, he lost his mind. He was yelling at her, calling her a dumb bitch, and I tried to stand up for her, but he threw me into a wall.”

  I feel a tear fall down my cheek. I had no idea Johnny dealt with so much as a kid. No wonder he pushes people away. I squeeze his hand again, trying to give him strength to continue.

  “My mom tried to stand up for me, like she always did. But when he pushed her, she lost her footing and fell down our stairs.”

  I gasp and cover my mouth.

  Please, tell me that isn’t how she died. Please, Lord, don’t tell me an innocent child had to watch his father kill his mother.

  Johnny looks into my eyes and the tears are there, ready to break free. “She wasn’t moving. I tried to wake her, but she wouldn’t wake up.” A tear breaks from his eye and rolls down his cheek. “He told me if I ever told anyone the truth, he would kill me too. So, like an idiot, I kept my mouth shut.”

  I climb into his lap and wrap my arms around his waist, burying my face in his neck. “You were just a kid, Johnny. Anyone would have done the same. You tried to protect her, but you couldn’t.”

  “I need to tell you more.” He says in a choked voice.

  I press my lips to his mouth, silencing him. “Not tonight. You can tell me tomorrow.” I stand up and reach my hand out to him. “Let me hold you tonight, and when you get your strength back you can tell me more.”

  The tears are now streaming down his face. I’ve never seen him this vulnerable. I can’t imagine going through what he did.

  When we get to his room, I have every intention of just holding him and making him feel better, but the second his mouth crashes on mine, I can tell he needs more.

  “Please make the hurt go away,” he whispers against my lips.

  I want to release a sob, but I fight it back. This man is broken, and he needs my body to make him feel whole again.

  I take off my clothes as fast as I can so we can be skin-to-skin.

  This time is so much different than the last. He was worshiping me the last time; this time, I will worship him.

  Once we are both naked, I push Johnny to his bed. “I know you love to be in charge, but let me take control this time. I’ll make it all go away.”

  He doesn’t say anything, but I see his eyes darken.

  Climbing on top of him, I trail kisses across his chest. I hadn’t noticed before, but he has faint scars all over his body. You wouldn’t recognize them unless you paid close attention, and I think he gets them edited out when he does his modeling.

  I kiss each scar, pouring love out to erase the hate.

  I feel his body shiver under my touch. I don’t think he’s ever been with someone so intimately. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever been this intimate with anyone either.

  With each kiss and touch, I’m showing him he deserves to be loved.

  I make my way up to his neck and give him a gentle bite.

  I pull his earlobe into my mouth and breathe. I feel his body shake.

  “You are not your father. He has no control over you anymore. Let everything go tonight. And just be with me,” I whisper.

  Johnny’s hands come up to cup my face. He stares into my eyes, but doesn’t say anything. Words aren’t needed right now. He pulls me to him for the gentlest of kisses.

  I reach into his nightstand for a condom. After I sheath him, I place him at my center.

  As I slowly slide myself onto him, I let out a moan, and I hear him hiss. I don’t move; I just lean down and kiss his neck.

  Tonight is not a hurried kind of night. We aren’t fucking. We are making love.

  “It feels so good to be inside you, baby,” he whispers.

  I start to move slowly. He feels good too. I don’t know if anyone has felt as perfect inside me as he does.

  I start to get a good rhythm as I sit up and roll my hips. Johnny’s groans, egging me on. When he reaches up and grabs my breast, I let out a growl. Fuck, that feels amazing.

  I want to keep things slow, but as I feel my climax nearing, my body reacts and starts moving faster.

  “So good,” Johnny hisses.

  He grabs my hips and starts thrusting up into me, taking back some of the control. I don’t mind, though, because it feels so good.

  With one more thrust, I combust. I hear Johnny grunting and I can feel him filling up the condom.

  I lay on his chest for a few moments before climbing off so he can go clean up. As he stands to leave, he leans down and places a soft kiss on my mouth.

  “Please stay the night,” he whispers.

  I nod against his mouth. How could I leave him now?

  “The last time you left…I don’t even know how to describe how it made me feel,” he tells me, not making eye contact. “I don’t ever let women spend the night, but I don’t know.” He grasps the back of his neck and I can tell he isn’t comfortable with this conversation. “I’ve never wanted a woman like I want you, Leah. You’re different.”

  I kiss his lips gently. No more words are needed. I lie down and wrap his arms around me. I feel the same way about him.

  “She is your future, Johnny. You need to find a way to keep her,” my mother says to me.

  “But how, Mom?” I ask. “I’m falling for her, but how do I keep her once she finds out what kind of monster I really am?”

  “You’re not a monster, my sweet boy. You need to talk to the people you have wronged. Once they forgive you, she will truly be yours.”

  “What does that mean? Mikey refuses to talk to me. And I’ve wronged so many others. How I can apologize to them all?”

  “You’re a smart man. You’ll find a way.”

  “But I’ve turned out just like him. How can she ever love me?” I despair.

  “You are nothing like him, and now that you’ve realized the mistakes you’ve made, you can change them. Just don’t make them again. You can change, sweetheart. Use her as your strength.”

  “I miss you, Mom,” I choke out.

  “I miss you too. We’ll see each other again one day. But until we do, make sure you don’t let her go.”

  I take a deep breath and inhale a bunch of hair. Choking, I realize it’s Leah. She stayed.

  I smile as I brush her hair off of my face. She’s fucking perfect, her curves covered just barely by the sheet. I wish I could lie in bed with her all day, but I have to get to work.

  Running downstairs, I start a pot of coffee, then head back upstairs to take a quick shower.

  Entering my room, I see Leah still passed out like a light. I was hoping she would join me in the shower, but it’s nice seeing her sleep. She’s just so beautiful. I didn’t have any nightmares last night. I wonder if it had something to do with Leah being in my bed.

  I head back downstairs and rummage through a junk drawer in my kitchen. After I find what I’m looking for, I go to my alarm system. With each number I press for the new code I’m setting for Leah, I smile. After the code is set, I grab a pen and paper and write a note.

  My sleeping angel,

  There is a pot of coffee downstairs. Help yourself. I hate to leave you, but I have to go to work. Here’s a key so you can lock up when you leave. Use the code 6463 for the alarm system. Take your time, no rush. There is a spare toothbrush under my bathroom sink. I can’t wait to see you later.

  Thank you so much for last night.

  -Johnny

  I take the note and key to my house and place it on the nightstand. I press a gentle kiss to Leah’s cheek, letting my lips linger there for an extra moment. Her scent is intoxicating.

  Standing, I run my hand over my face. I need to leave now, or my coach will have my ass.

  “Great game, guys. Enjoy your day off tomorrow, and I’ll see you all in Toronto on Wednesday,” Coach Gibbs says before leaving the locker room.

  I’m excited to play the Blue Jays, but I’m sad to be leaving Leah. I finally have her close to me, and now I have to leave for ten days.

  I pull my phone out of my locker and check my missed messages. Most of them, I delete. But one makes my heart light up a little.

  Leah: Thank you for opening up. When would you like me to bring your key back?

  I don’t want my key back; I want her to have access to my house whenever she wants.

  Me: Keep it.

  Leah: Do you think that’s a good idea?

  Me: I’m not asking you to move in, Leah. I just thought it would be nice for you to have a key.

  Leah: Fine.

  Me: And the code I gave you will work on the gate too. Did you notice what those numbers spell out on a phone dial?

  Leah: No, I just thought it was a random code. What does it spell out?

  Me: MINE. I hope that one day, that’s what you will be.

  She doesn’t respond. Fuck. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I already feel like she’s mine, though. I’m going to do everything in my power to make it happen.

  I think back to my dream this morning. Mom said that once I’m forgiven by the people I’ve wronged, then Leah will be mine.

  Now I have to come up with a game plan.

  I’m hopping in my truck when my phone pings again.

  Leah: Let’s take things slow, and it has to be on the down-low for a while. But I do want to get to know you better. I like you. A lot.

  I don’t want to keep this a secret. I want to shout it from the rooftops, but I know that if I do that, I’ll lose her. And that is the last thing I want right now.

  Me: I like you too. We can go as slow as you want, and I won’t tell a soul until you’re ready.

  Leah: Thank you.

  Me: Can I see you tonight? I leave on Wednesday for ten days and I don’t want to go longer than I have to without seeing you.

  Leah: Okay. I’d like that.

  Yes! I’m fucking excited. I’ll order us some of my favorite takeout. I can’t take her to a restaurant, because she doesn’t want anyone knowing about us yet. And by “anybody,” I’m assuming she means Tia and Mikey.

  I sigh. I miss Mikey’s friendship. I know I screwed it up, but I need to figure out a way to talk to him. I need his forgiveness, even if it’s never going to be like it was before.

 

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