Home for the Holidays, page 17
“Iris.” Her voice came out as softly as the snow that was falling. “You’re the first person who has ever said something like that to me.” Heidi raised her gloved hand. “Wait, I take that back. You’re the second person who has said something like that to me.”
“I figured Sandy had to have said something blush-inducing before.”
Heidi shook her head. “Nope, not Sandy.”
“Oh? Oh… oh! Wait, does this have to do with Paris? Because I haven’t forgotten that you still haven’t told me about it.”
Heidi breathed in. Her chest rose and fell before she said, “Her name was Eloise.”
“Ah-ha.”
“No,” Heidi said, followed by a nervous chuckle. “No ah-ha. I know this sounds like a complete cop-out, but I had no idea what was happening. I stumbled into this weird something, and she was there to, I don’t know, catch me, I guess?” Her hands were shoved into the pockets of her black North Face parka, and her red-and-white-striped wool cap had snow all over it. “I’m still not sure what happened.”
“What do you mean? I’m confused. Did you have a relationship with her?” Iris’s question hung in the air, suspended with anticipation. Heidi looked over, her brown eyes pleading for her to implicitly give her something, but Iris had no idea what she was meant to feel. Forgiveness? Understanding? Compassion? “Heidi, what happened?”
“I mean, looking back on it, I think I fell in love with her. She was a bartender at the restaurant beneath our apartment. I was in school, and she was”—Heidi shook her head—“she was like this breath of fresh air. I…” She looked at Iris. “I cannot even believe I’m going to tell you this.”
“Heidi,” Iris said with a chuckle. “Unless it ends with you murdering her, I don’t think I’ll be all that surprised.”
“God, no, that is not what happened.” Heidi’s laugh was adorable. “I guess essentially Stanley and I were both in a relationship with her.” Her face scrunched after the confession.
“Do you mean you were a throuple?” It was definitely not what Iris had expected, but she was used to hearing things she didn’t quite expect.
She nodded. “But I am not polyamorous, and neither is Stanley.” She groaned. “This whole story is so screwed up. I think we were both stuck, y’know? We both missed our friends and family back here, and it was Christmas, and she was easy on the eyes and fun.” The tone of Heidi’s voice, the excitement layered with regret and melancholy, was unlike anything Iris had heard before. “She invited us both back to her place one night. We went, which was not like us at all. I mean, seriously, we were high school sweethearts. From here, in the Middle of Nowhere, Iowa, for Pete’s sake. And we just went back to this beautiful bartender’s house.” She let out a puff of air, a small gasp, and laughed. “It was so stupid.”
“Heidi?” Iris threaded her hand through the crook of her arm. “Nothing you’re saying is stupid. I am not judging you. I’m listening. That’s all.”
“This went on for a good year and a half. Then I found out I was pregnant. Stanley was so supportive, and, honestly, so was Eloise. I, um, I didn’t realize until a few months later that Stanley had started sleeping with a man he met through Eloise. Frank was his name.” She shook her head and laughed. “He was such a dork, but Stanley, wow. He was so taken with Frank. It didn’t bother me. Probably because I was also sleeping with Eloise, y’know, without Stanley, which was… was… c’était incroyable.” She looked at Iris. “I know I’m an awful person.”
“Stop,” Iris said as she literally stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and turned Heidi to face her. “You are not an awful person for enjoying sex with another person. Period. Please try to remember that.” They started walking again, and all Iris wanted to do was grab Heidi, hug her, and never allow her to feel so insecure again.
“We left as soon as I was done with school. Stanley’s mother was sick, and raising two kids there was…yeah. It made sense to leave.”
“So you left her.” It wasn’t a question. Iris could tell by the expression on Heidi’s face that this was not easy to talk about. The silence that followed wasn’t uncomfortable. It was peaceful, relaxed, and much needed. “Where are you taking me, anyway?”
“The Christmas tree lighting.” She squeezed Iris’s arm. “It’s one of my favorite events.”
“Wait, why don’t you have the family come with, then? If it’s your favorite?”
Heidi shrugged. “There’s something special about keeping this for myself. Like, there’s one tiny part of Christmas I don’t have to share. It’s all mine. I don’t have to perform or be the hostess. It probably sounds very selfish. I don’t know how to describe it, I guess, but I love having this to myself,” she said, finishing her sentence. Then she added, quietly, “And now you.”
The emotion that bubbled into Iris’s esophagus prevented her from responding. If she had tried to force a response, she would have started crying. How was it possible that this person, this woman, was able to pull these emotions from her so easily when other people in her life couldn’t? Were they inferior? Was Iris just good at hiding her emotions? Or was Heidi just good at accessing them?
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
They stopped at the stoplight on Main Street and waited for the crosswalk. Heidi could feel every breath Iris took. Being this close to her without having to worry about what the family was doing or thinking was exhilarating. And being able to look at her, admire her profile—her nose and lips and the way the air she breathed out formed into a cloud of condensation—filled her stomach with butterflies. Iris was the most beautiful woman she’d ever laid eyes on, and to know that she was here, she was interested, and she was listening made her even more lovely.
“You are the first person I’ve ever told that story,” she murmured.
“I’m honored.” Iris glanced at her, and all Heidi could think was that kissing her now would be perfect.
“Fucking rules,” she breathed out.
“Tell me about it. All I want to do is kiss you right now. In front of god and everyone.”
The emotion Iris’s statement caused made Heidi’s throat ache. Why was it so shocking that someone as wonderful as Iris could feel the same way Heidi was feeling? Why was it so hard to believe she was worth more than rushed sex in the broom closet of a restaurant? “I never thought I’d get to the spot where kissing a woman in public wouldn’t stress me out, but I’m feeling the exact same way.”
The relief on Iris’s face was both gorgeous and heartbreaking.
They stopped in front of Central Park Plaza. “This is it. My favorite event. You ready?”
Iris nodded. “Never been more ready in my life.”
“Let’s go see some trees.” And Heidi whisked her away into the plaza, where there were at least fifty trees all waiting to be lit.
The plaza was bustling with people. There were a couple of food trucks and an apple cider station. Heidi said she needed a cup, and Iris did not argue. When they finally had their piping hot cider, Heidi pulled out the small flask she’d made sure to smuggle in her coat pocket and emptied it into both of their cups. “Bourbon,” she whispered. “It’ll keep us warm.”
Iris laughed. “I like the way you think.”
Heidi made her way over to an area toward the back of the plaza. She kept seeing people she knew, so she stopped and said her hellos and Merry Christmases. Waving at almost every person they passed was exhausting, but sometimes, small-town living really was exhausting. She explained who each one person was, as if Iris was taking notes. She knew most of it was probably going in one ear and out the other.
“You’re like the mayor,” Iris commented.
Heidi snorted. “I’d have to be a Republican to be the mayor.”
“That’s so funny that you say that. Zac swore up and down that you were so conservative that you probably voted Republican.”
Heidi gasped. “I would never.”
“I swear, that guy has some unresolved issues.” Iris sipped her cider. “I think you two need to have a serious talk.”
“I know.” Heidi sighed before she sipped from her own cup. The bourbon was a fantastic touch. “He’s so easy to talk to but also so very hard to talk to… does that make sense?’
“Perfect sense. We became such fast friends. Sometimes I forget that I haven’t known him forever, but then others? It’s like he’s a total stranger.”
“I understand that completely.” She looked down at the ice- and salt-covered sidewalk before composing herself. “He overshares things I couldn’t care less about, and then in the next breath, he completely clams up about things I care about. It’s so strange. I certainly didn’t raise him to be like that.”
“How did you raise him?”
“Sadly?” She looked at Iris, regret seeping from her pores. “I was way too strict with him. He was my baby, the oops who stole my heart, and by then, I was so worried that Stanley and I weren’t going to make it that I clung to Zac like a lifeline. I’m not surprised he thought I was conservative. He’d pass out if he knew I had been in a throuple with another woman.”
Iris laughed. “Can I please be there when you tell him?”
“Absolutely not,” Heidi said, playfully nudging her as they leaned against the hip-high brick wall surrounding the plaza. “All I’ve ever wanted for him is to be happy. Obviously, when he was a kid, I wanted him to be straight and happy. Stanley and I both did. Neither of us wanted him to turn out like Stanley had. Or me, I guess—y’know, struggling, forcing ourselves to stay when we so badly wanted to escape. But now? Now all I want is to see him smile and know that his smile reaches his eyes all the time. I worry that when he finds out about us, that…” Heidi paused and breathed in as she looked at Iris, her anxiety probably on full display. “I don’t want to leave another person because of a man in my life. That probably sounds selfish.”
“I don’t want to leave you either.” Iris reached up and moved a few strands of Heidi’s hair away from her face, and the entire world seemed to slow. All Heidi could see was this. Iris and her and gentle touches and soft words and longing stares. For the rest of her life. Fuck…
The snow was falling harder, covering both of their coats and knitted caps. The cloud cover from the storm was making it look a lot darker than it actually was for three in the afternoon. A buzz had filled the air when a crackle and the feedback of a microphone sounded over the speakers. “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” started playing, and a man with a deep radio voice welcomed everyone to the fifteenth annual Parade of Lights. People cheered and started to pull away from the trees, toward the outer ring of the park.
“Get ready,” Heidi whispered as she tried to pull her gaze from Iris and focus on the trees. But she couldn’t. Iris in her cap, her hair down, covered with snow, gripping her cider like a lifeline was just as gorgeous and glowing as the trees would be.
And then, without warning, the entire plaza lit up, the Christmas trees surrounding them, lights of all colors twinkling, and Iris’s pure enjoyment was on full display. Their eyes locked, and for the first time in forever Heidi felt like maybe, just maybe, she could have more than a marriage to her bakery. More than devotion to her family. She could have this. She could have Iris.
She was falling for Iris Abbott.
And the idea of stopping was becoming harder and harder to entertain.
“So you’re obviously feeling better? I was worried about you,” Zac said to Iris, rushing up to her in front of the fireplace back at the house. The rest of the family was busy putting away the sledding gear and Zac, of course, had gotten out of it. He was always the one who got out of helping.
Heidi watched the entire exchange between Iris and him with pursed lips, hoping he couldn’t see she was fighting a smile. They’d gotten back home about ten minutes before the family. She was thrilled they were still alone, but also worried sick because everything in her body wanted to sink further and further into whatever was happening between her and Iris. To make matters worse—or maybe better—the embarrassment she had thought for sure she’d feel about telling Iris what happened in Paris had never shown up.
Iris nodded. “Your mom took me to get soup from the café.”
“And then did you watch the tree lighting?” Zac’s question was aimed at Heidi now as he plopped down next to her on the floor in front of the fireplace.
She glanced at Iris, eyebrow arched, and allowed her smile to be seen. “We did, yes. Iris said she was feeling a little better, so I made her. You know how I am with Christmas trees.”
“Oh, I know.” Zac laughed. “I’m shocked you didn’t put the one up in my room again.”
“Shit,” Heidi said, realizing she had forgotten to. “I’ll go do it now.” She went to stand but stopped when Zac put his hand on her arm.
“Do not.” He shook his head. “It’s okay. I promise.”
“Okay, but if you change your mind…” She ran her hand over his shaggy hair and lightly tapped his cheek. “You were gone a lot longer than last year. Did you have fun?”
The question seemed to stump him. She understood why, but she also didn’t expect the look on his face to stump her too.
“Uh, yeah. It was, I mean, we all had a great time. I think my friendship with Evan is just throwing me.” He cleared his throat. “Y’know what I mean?” He was looking into Heidi’s eyes, and even though he was sitting next to her, everything about the intimacy in his stare made her miss her son so much.
“Strangely, I do. I know exactly what you’re talking about.”
He let out a small chuckle. “Yeah, sure, Ma.” He looked over at Iris as he playfully rolled his eyes. She gave him an empathetic smile, which of course Heidi felt in the pit of her stomach.
“Oh, honey,” Heidi said as she leaned back against the couch. “I have so much I could tell you.”
“Well, go ahead,” he said. “The floor is yours.”
“Now is not the time.”
Iris went to stand. “I’ll get out of here.”
“Absolutely not,” Zac and Heidi said, both leaning forward with their hands reaching toward her. They looked at each other, and Heidi thought for sure that she had just given herself away. She waited for Zac’s response, but when all he did was burst into laughter, relief filled her, from her toes to the crown of her head.
“You can certainly tell I’m your son,” he said as he scooted down and leaned against her shoulder. He took a deep breath. “I do want to say, because I know I was a total ass about it to begin with, but I think it has been good to see Evan. I have…” His voice trailed off, and all she could do was stare at Iris, at the look of hope on her face. “Really enjoyed reconnecting with him.”
“That’s great, honey,” Heidi whispered. She kissed the top of his head. “You’re not the same person you were in high school.” Did that come off how she wanted it to? She spent the following two seconds praying she hadn’t offended him.
“You’re right,” he finally said.
She sighed softly. “I’m always right.”
“Sure,” Zac said. She noticed his foot, how he pressed it into Iris’s leg, who chuckled lightly.
“You two are not going to gang up on me.”
“We would never,” Iris said. She winked at Heidi, and a chill zipped through her. The way her body was responding to Iris was on another level of self-awakening. Dredging up the memories of Eloise hadn’t been nearly as traumatizing as she’d thought it’d be. The only bad part had been realizing how tame and innocent those feelings were, which had completely wrecked her. This all felt so different compared to when she fell into a role because she thought she was doing the right thing.
Heidi snorted. The right thing. What she had failed to tell Iris was how she protested at first. How she had sat on the edge of the bed and told a half-naked Stanley and an even more naked Eloise that she wasn’t sure she could do this. How she wasn’t the type of person who could split her heart. How she wasn’t someone who could just have sex with someone. How Stanley had protested because he was the only man she’d ever been with. How he was so persuasive. The years of repression that followed so she didn’t have to feel the things she should have and the years of therapy after, to unleash the emotions she needed, had taught her many things.
“Ma?” Zac’s question broke through her thoughts.
“Hmm?”
“What if I told you that…”
Heidi held her breath.
“I think Iris and I are going to go see Evan tonight?”
Iris laughed. “I’m not going anywhere. What are you talking about?”
“What?” He sat up and looked at her. “Why not? You don’t want to go with me?”
“It’s Christmas Eve. I’m eating homemade pizza and watching Home Alone with your family. Why can’t Evan just join us?”
Heidi released the breath she’d been holding. “Zac, you can go if you want to.” Iris’s eyes moved to hers. She was trying to get him to just say it, which was fine, but the last thing she wanted to do was push him into telling her the truth. Of course it was taking everything in her to not just say, I know you are in love with Evan and not Iris. It’s okay. I still love you. But if it wasn’t going to happen organically, would it mean as much?
“Ma, no. It’s fine.” His voice held that same note of disappointment she used to hear from him when he was a kid and she told him he couldn’t do something, but here she was telling him to go, have fun, and he was still upset. She truly couldn’t win.
“Zac,” Iris said softly. She was giving him a look that screamed Tell her now, but Zac shook his head. “Why not?” Her question made him stand abruptly.
“Mrs. Nowak, I just wanted to thank you.” Evan’s voice broke through the tension as he appeared in the living room. Heidi felt Zac’s back muscles freeze up under her hand. “I’m going to head back to my parents’ house for the remainder of the evening.”
