Home for the Holidays, page 12
“We could be,” Iris said with a wink. “I’ll change the subject.” She tore her gaze from Heidi’s dark eyes and looked up at the ceiling. “Okay, I got it. A real clam jammer. Tell me about Zac as a kid.”
Heidi’s laugh was gorgeous. “A clam jammer? Wow. You weren’t kidding, were you?” She ran her hands through her hair and Iris felt every nerve in her body tingle. Why was something so simple such a turn on? “Well, where do I start?” She asked. “He was such a great boy. A handful, but also the sweetest of the three.”
Being this close to her, but not able to rip her clothes off was a real test of Iris’s strength. Their legs brushing together every so often, was divine, but now she couldn’t stop thinking about wanting more and more. It’d been so long since Iris had had to hold herself back from taking a leap. She was used to charging full steam ahead, and nine times out of ten, she’d get the girl. She wasn’t being cocky; it was simply the truth. With Heidi, though, getting the girl was basically forbidden. Sleeping with her best friend and roommate’s mom was not going to go over well. At least, she didn’t think it would. Why would Zac be okay with it?
She couldn’t even imagine having that conversation with him. How would she even start?
Hey, Zac, while you were rekindling the embers of your long-dormant romance with Evan, I was sliding into your mom’s metaphorical DMs. And her vagina.
Yeah, that wasn’t going to fly.
But as she listened to Heidi talk about Zac as a kid—how he was so sure of himself yet so shy at the same time, how he wet his twin-sized bed until he was eight, how he almost got a home run when he was ten only to be followed by a black eye at the plate, how he tried to hide his feelings for Evan but Heidi could see through him—all of it was making it harder and harder to not like this woman. She was captivating in all the best ways. And to make matters worse, she was so stunning. Her hair, the caramel blonde, the curls, the way they cascaded over her shoulder when she bent her head down to laugh at a memory, every single thing about her. Iris had been with her fair share of beautiful women. Of course, she’d fallen into bed with a few she wasn’t necessarily attracted to as well. She was only human, after all. But Heidi was on another level. And sitting next to her, listening to her, studying her features, was solidifying the fact that this woman—this Midwest middle-aged mom—was going to take up residence in every single area of her brain and heart.
The worst part about all of it? Iris was excited. Thrilled, actually, when she shouldn’t have been. At all.
“Yeah, catching Evan and him in the laundry room was eye-opening,” Heidi said with a small chuckle. She shook her head. “They had no idea I had seen them. I was shocked, but also not. Y’know what I mean?”
“Because you’d always sort of knew?”
“I think so.” She licked and bit down on her lip. “I never wanted any of them to be like me or like their father.” She breathed in sharply. “I can’t believe I just said it to you.”
“What? Why?”
“Because I should be proud of them, whoever they turn out to be, right? Oscar becoming a doctor is exactly what we had hoped for. Adrien being so influential in the fashion industry has been so great for him. And Zac being such a whiz with numbers and finances is just, well, mind-blowing. I am so proud of them in their careers. But for Adrien and Zac, gosh, I know how hard it is to be different. And being out and proud in today’s political climate? Forget about it. I wanted so much more for them than this.” Heidi motioned to herself. “Look at me—locked in the closet because I’m too afraid to be the person I am.”
“Can I say something?” Iris turned so she was facing Heidi, her knees pressing lightly into the sides of Heidi’s thighs. “It’s not my place to tell you this, and honestly, I made Zac promise that he would tell you before we leave, but he’s happy in New York. He’s out, and he doesn’t hide. And as far as I can see, Adrien seems happy and proud. Look at his beautiful relationship with Shaun. They love each other. I’m sure, as a parent, it’s hard to not worry about your kids and their happiness. But I don’t think you need to. I think you should worry more about yourself and why you’ve locked yourself into a closet.”
The look on Heidi’s face as she seemed to digest what Iris said was encouraging. “I wish it was as easy as you think it is.”
“Oh, honey,” Iris said with a laugh. “Coming out is never easy, and it certainly wasn’t for me.”
“No?”
“God, no. My mother disowned me at first. She didn’t talk to me for a few months after. I escaped when I went to college and wasn’t about to come home, but yeah, it was not fun.” She shrugged. “I used to question all the time whether or not she truly accepts me. Those months of her hatred were very hard to get past.”
“How is she now?”
Iris snorted into her martini. “She runs the local PFLAG in the town where I grew up.”
“That’s adorable.”
Was it? Or was her mom just trying to compensate for years of being ashamed? “She’s still not great about it to me but it is what it is.” She scooted a tiny bit closer, so her knees pressed a little harder into Heidi’s thigh. “Your children will not disown you.”
The older woman sighed. “I know.”
“Then why haven’t you told them?”
“Do you want to know the honest answer?”
“Absolutely.”
“I think I’m embarrassed.”
“Embarrassed?” That was not at all what Iris had thought she was going to say. “Why embarrassed?”
“Because I was a hot mess when their father left me. I knew he was into men for a very long time, but he was also into me, so I dealt with it. As long as he came home to me, who cared? But he eventually left me—and not for someone else. He left because he fell out of love with me. Me, who supported him through everything; me, who put my dreams on hold while he pursued his dreams; me, who left Paris and raised the kids and gave him his perfect suburban life.” The sadness layered beneath Heidi’s dignified tone was almost palpable. “I was forced to pick up the pieces of my life, to be okay, to live with the fact that my husband left because I wasn’t enough.”
“Heidi,” Iris heard herself whisper. The idea that she wasn’t enough made Iris’s stomach hurt. She couldn’t imagine how that was possible.
“It’s fine. It is.” Heidi took a deep breath. “Knowing I wasn’t enough made me so angry. Coming out now seems like I’m just doing it in spite of him. And that’s not it. I think our relationship didn’t work for numerous reasons, but ultimately, I wasn’t as in love with him as I needed to be either. Realizing that so late in life? It’s a real blow.”
“What do you mean?”
“For so long, I thought every single relationship I tried to be in failed because of me. Because I wasn’t good enough. Because I wasn’t pretty enough, sexy enough—”
Iris scoffed, and Heidi looked at her, her left eyebrow cocked. “Sorry,” Iris said. “Continue.”
“It turns out it wasn’t because I wasn’t enough; it was because I wasn’t into men. I felt stupid. I feel stupid. I know it doesn’t make sense.”
“No, it does.” Iris reached over and placed her hand on Heidi’s, which was balled into a fist in her lap. “Your feelings are valid. Always. They’re valid because you feel them. Period. Okay?”
Heidi’s eyes filled with tears. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“And as far as your coming-out process? That’s your process. Not mine, not Zac’s, not Adrien’s. Yours. No one can take that from you. You do what you need to do. I hope you know my questions aren’t asked to make you feel bad. I ask questions because that’s what I do.” Iris shrugged before she finally removed her hand.
“You’re the first person in my life I’ve told who hasn’t…” Heidi rolled her lips inward, eyes locked onto Iris’s.
“Who hasn’t what?”
She shook her head. “Hasn’t made me feel like I’m a horrible person for keeping this secret. You and my therapist, of course.”
“Probably because I’m also a therapist.” Iris laughed.
Heidi’s eyes lingered a little longer on hers. “That makes a lot of sense.”
“Your therapist and I have heard worse, I can guarantee that. And those people who are awful to you for living your life are assholes.” Iris chuckled along with Heidi. “You are perfect. I hope you know that.”
“You’re clearly inebriated.”
“True.” Iris grinned. “But I have a phenomenal knack for reading people.”
An easy silence fell between them as the bar started to empty. Iris checked her watch. It was almost one in the morning. “Holy cow, it’s late. We should probably get out of here.” She reached for her bag so she could pay, but stopped when Heidi’s hand landed on her arm.
Heidi stood and pulled her coat on. “I’m going to walk home with you if that’s okay.”
The tiny flame of hope that had started to burn inside Iris’s chest grew a little brighter as she answered, “It’s more than okay.”
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The smack of cold air and falling snow as they left the bar led Heidi to the revelation that she was in no position to keep talking. Especially not when she slipped a little on the snow-covered sidewalk as they made their way to Washington Street. Two too many old-fashioneds and not nearly enough food was never a good idea, and the conversation, coupled with a good amount of eye and body contact, was only making it harder to keep her head on straight.
She chuckled to herself. Straight.
The last six months had moved on by at the speed of light. She’d devoured every book she could about late-in-life lesbians and their coming-out processes. She’d joined a multitude of Facebook groups, hoping she’d stumble across someone who would be able to explain what was happening to her and why it was happening the way it was. Of course, she’d come up empty-handed. All she wanted was to know how people were going to react. That was it. Donna knowing and not freaking out was on point. Donna was the most spiritual and forgiving person she’d ever met. Charity knowing was definitely a shock, but also, maybe Heidi wasn’t as straight-presenting as she thought she was. Maybe she’d been eyeing women for a long time. Heidi truthfully wasn’t sure. She’d searched her memory bank time after time and never seen anything out of the ordinary. So, how was any of this possible? How had she spent her entire life not realizing this? If only there were a magic elixir—something other than an old fashioned—for her to take that would calm the worries coursing through her at all hours of the day and night.
Then, enter Iris Abbott. Her son’s fake girlfriend, roommate, and best friend. Someone she was insanely attracted to on a level she’d only ever read about. And nothing more could happen between them.
Talk about infuriating.
Of all the women who had come into her life, Iris was the first person she wanted to truly get to know. She wanted to sit and talk to her for hours. Listen to her stories, ask her questions, answer her questions, and find out what made her tick, what made her cry, what made her laugh, what made her love. The desire was so strong, and all tonight had done was make it more intense, which would make it even harder to fight.
She glanced over at Iris as they walked in silence. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, her nose pink from the alcohol, her lips pink from her lip gloss, and all Heidi could think about was how happy she was that she got to meet this gorgeous woman. Snow had accumulated on top of the scarf Iris had wrapped around her head like an old Polish woman, and as they trudged through the snow, Heidi could feel herself smiling, enjoying herself, falling at a rate she was truly not comfortable with, and all of that was making it hard to breathe.
She wasn’t stupid; she wasn’t going to try anything with Iris again. That was a good way to get Zac upset with her for forever. She needed to make sure he knew how much she loved him regardless of who he was sleeping with, first and foremost. Her raging, middle-aged libido would have to wait.
Of course, she did have Sandy as a backup plan.
Backup plan.
She cringed. Referring to Sandy like that was horrible. She was far from a backup plan. One of the best friends she had ever had, Sandy was her everything. But now she was everything and then some, and not in the capacity Heidi wanted. She was a short-term solution to a long-term problem.
She cringed again. Another poor choice of words. She needed to figure herself out, or she was going to ruin that friendship with flying colors.
“Thank you so much for walking with me,” Iris said after they’d climbed the snowy steps to the Nowaks’ door.
“My pleasure,” Heidi whispered as she opened it, revealing Maddie standing there, wagging her tail, welcoming them home.
Heidi squatted down and said her hello to her best girl, who clearly didn’t get the memo that she was tipsy. She charged forward and knocked Heidi onto her ass. Heidi started to laugh loudly, then slapped her hand over her mouth when Iris said, “Shh,” while also laughing like crazy.
“Are you okay?” She held her hand out for Heidi to take. “Here, I’ll help you up.”
“My hero,” Heidi whispered after Iris pulled her up from the floor. She was standing so close to her, facing her head-on, and all she wanted to do was walk her backward, press her into the door, and make out with her for hours. And hours. And hours.
Iris’s eyes moved over Heidi’s features, from her eyes to her nose, to her mouth, then back to her eyes. “You’re going to get us in trouble.”
“How am I going to do that?”
“By looking at me like that,” Iris answered, her voice feather soft. The smile that came to her lips as she reached up and tucked Heidi’s hair behind her ear was one she would never forget.
“I’m sorry.” She wasn’t, but it was the only thing that came to mind.
“No, you’re not. If you were, you’d stop.” Iris’s smirk was sexy, as was the way she licked her lips. “You know I wouldn’t say no, right?”
“Wouldn’t say no to what?” She could barely hear herself. Not because she was whispering but because of her pulse rapidly beating against her eardrums.
Iris leaned closer, so close that Heidi almost had to take a step back—her eyesight just wasn’t what it used to be. “To you, to this…”
The pause between them, the air not moving, the way they both stopped breathing, was so incredibly overwhelming that all Heidi could do was blink. Blink away the excitement that had mixed with her courage and nerves to create a pretty disastrous cocktail.
“We shouldn’t,” she finally said, taking a step back. “You know we shouldn’t.”
“I know.” Iris’s smile didn’t convey what should have been the sadness of the situation. Instead, she looked like she was even more encouraged to keep going. She didn’t, though. She removed her coat and scarf and hung them on the hook by the door. She then started to undo the buttons on Heidi’s coat, slowly, one by one, her slender fingers working with ease. Heidi couldn’t take her eyes from Iris’s hands, from her short, manicured nails with the dark red nail polish, to the thick, silver band on her middle finger, to the tiny tattoo of a bow between her forefinger and thumb.
“What is this for?” Heidi reached forward, catching Iris’s hand in her own. Her hand was so warm, her skin so soft. So much softer than Sandy’s.
“You have to promise not to laugh.”
“Why would I laugh?”
She shrugged, suddenly seeming small and so much more nervous than she’d seemed the entire length of their relationship. “It’s a Taylor Swift tattoo. For my favorite song.”
“‘The Archer,’ hmm?”
Her eyes widened, and the smile that stretched across her face was absolutely adorable. “You like Taylor Swift?”
“Oh, honey, I love Taylor.” Heidi looked down at Iris’s hand, stroked the tattoo with her thumb, and tried to not get lost in the moment. She was failing, but she was at least trying. “I love it.”
“Thank you,” Iris said softly. She breathed in, a sharp intake that didn’t seem to fit in the moment.
“What is it?”
“Zac,” she whispered. “He has the arrow.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, best friend tattoos.” Her face, for the first time, finally held the resigned sadness it needed to. This, whatever was happening, simply could not.
Heidi took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I know,” she offered, hoping Iris knew what she meant. Suddenly, and completely by surprise, Iris stepped forward and pulled her in, wrapping her arms around her in a tight hug. The urge to fight it was nonexistent; Heidi pressed her nose and mouth against Iris’s neck. She breathed in her scent, lavender and honeysuckle, and it was almost as intoxicating as the old-fashioneds. She allowed herself to melt into the hug, to enjoy the closeness, to remember the way Iris’s arms felt, how her body felt pressed against hers, her breasts, her stomach. If this was all she was going to get, she was going to remember every single second.
“I don’t want to go to bed,” Iris said against Heidi’s neck.
“I know.”
“I have to, though, don’t I?”
Heidi chuckled as she smoothed her hand over the back of Iris’s head. “Yeah, and so do I.”
She pulled away, her hands on Heidi’s hips, and smiled. “Thank you for tonight. I needed it. I needed all of this.”
“So did I.” Heidi moved her hand, placed it on Iris’s neck, and ran her thumb along the line of her jaw before she leaned in and placed her lips on Iris’s. She tasted so lovely, mint Chapstick and espresso martinis and hope, reckless naïve hope. When she pulled away, she said so very softly, “I could do that all night.”
“Oh, how I want you to.”
“How are we going to do this?”
“What’s that?” Iris leaned in and kissed Heidi again. The whimper that came from her when Heidi bit down lightly on her lip was orgasmic. “Goddamn. Keep our hands off each other?”
“Yes,” Heidi whispered.
“I really hope we don’t.”
