Living on Borrowed Time, page 8
“You’ll be fine!” She bleated, excitedly. She was genuinely happy for me, and that shone through. “Just be yourself.”
Myself. I have no idea how to do that.
I didn’t say that part aloud though, I laughed loudly instead, trying to disguise just how much effort that was going to take. “Yeah, okay. I’ll do my best.”
I hadn’t told Kimberly that I’d already slept with Charlie, not that I knew why I was keeping it to myself. I didn’t exactly need it to be some kind of sordid secret, it just seemed a little inappropriate to talk about. Especially as she knew I was a virgin beforehand, and I was afraid that she’d look at me differently for giving my first time away so readily to someone I’d only just met. Even though I didn’t think she would, I didn’t want to be judged for that.
Maybe that was my own insecurities about my behaviour shining through…
“Okay, I have to go, he’s here.” I hissed, quickly shutting off the phone. My heart hammered painfully against my chest and my nerves almost turned me to jelly at the prospect of what was to come—my first, real date, my first real time alone talking to Charlie. Sure, we’d been texting each other, but face-to-face was so much different, so much more daunting.
I watched him walk towards me, admiring him once more. He was wearing a red and blue checked shirt, dark denim jeans and surprisingly smart shoes. His dark, shaggy hair was still hanging in his gorgeous eyes, which was one of those features that I really adored about him—it made him look scruffy but sexy all at once. I actually found it a little hard to look at him, he was that good looking. My tummy was actually going funny with it all. Of course, I’d already seen him naked, so I was fully aware of his sex appeal, but something about seeing him dressed up just for me made it that much more obvious.
I suddenly panicked that I wasn’t dressed appropriately myself. I chose my outfit on Kimberly’s suggestion during a very lengthy phone call, but now I wasn’t sure that my jeans, boots and strappy top combo were right. Especially not with my ‘natural’ hair and minimal makeup—I felt very underdressed. Oh God, had I made a huge mistake here? Should I have been wearing a dress, or something much fancier? Would he think me scruffy for coming like this?
“Hey Lara!” He cried out, happiness tainting his voice. The way he smiled at me sent butterflies flapping violently all around me, pushing my negative thought spiral right from my mind. Again, it had only taken a couple of seconds around him and I felt much better…lighter.
“H—hi.” I stammered, very uncoolly, as a reply.
“Hungry?” He asked. “Or do you just want a drink?”
“Um…?” Was I hungry? More to the point, did I really want to eat in front of him? “Drink.” I settled on quickly, figuring that was the far safer option. This was the first date I’d been on, ever, and I didn’t think that bringing food into the equation was such a good idea. Bradley never took me anywhere—not that dates are the sort of thing you do with you high school sweetheart—at least not where I came from anyway, so I had literally no experience to go on.
A drink was easy, a drink I could do.
“Okay, sure. I know a great little pub around the corner.”
As we walked, we had a little small talk—discussing what our week had entailed. It turned out that Charlie ran his own graphic design business. It hadn’t been going for long, so it wasn’t massive, but he was making positive strides in the right direction every single day. Another person in my life following his dreams. Again this filled me with the self-doubting questions that had begun to plague me regularly. Why didn’t I have any dreams? Why had I never had any dreams? I couldn’t even remember having any before I was sick!
Luckily the conversation ran pretty smoothly, despite the crazy dance that my brain was doing. I was kind of expecting it to be a little awkward considering how our last meeting went, but it really wasn’t. In fact, it was actually really nice. Yes, my heart was racing and I felt sick to my stomach, but his warm presence was putting me somewhat at ease.
We sat at a small table just inside the doors of the pub, staring right at one another. I quickly realised that his dark eyes weren’t quite as mysterious as I first thought when I met him; instead they were warm, sweet and inviting. He was just so yummy, it was very difficult to imagine what the hell he was doing sitting with me. However hard I tried, I couldn’t imagine anything that would attract him to me—he was so far out of my league it was unreal. As I trailed my eyes over his body, remembering his firm stomach, his muscular arms, his soft skin, I couldn’t help but blush. I hoped desperately that he couldn’t read my mind, or see the dirty thoughts plastered across my face.
“So Lara.” He put down his pint, and rested his hands on the table dangerously near to mine. Electricity buzzed within me, making it very hard to concentrate on his words. “You’re a bit of an enigma, aren’t you?”
“Erm…” Enigma? What could he mean by that?
“Tell me about yourself.”
Oh God, there was that question again.
I took in a deep breath, trying to steady my mind before speaking. I needed to say something simple, something that wouldn’t invite further questions. I was nowhere near ready to discuss the truth tonight—I didn’t want my first date to be wrecked by the past that I was so desperately trying to move away from. “Um, I moved here about a year and a half ago from a small town not too far from here…” I kept my eyes fixed on my fingers, wanting to get this over as quickly as possible;
“Why?” He instantly interjected, looking genuinely interested in my answer.
Panic set in. What could I say? I had absolutely no plans in telling him anything right now, hut how the hell was I going to get away with saying nothing? If there was something I’d learnt over my short time with Charlie, it was that he didn’t like to let things go.
“I…I just wanted a change. Small town girls always want to head to the big city, don’t they?” I laughed nervously, as the terrible lie came spilling out of my mouth. Charlie eyed me suspiciously, clearly untrusting my ridiculous words, but luckily for me he let it go. “Then, I landed that crappy job in the diner…then I ended up here.” I giggled once more—a sound that was starting to become inane and irritating. “I know, I’m boring.”
If only I were boring—this would be so much easier!
“Do you enjoy working at the diner?” He leant back in his seat, giving me an intense look. It was obvious that he was desperate to figure me out, and I had to bat all of this away to prevent him from getting too deep.
Not now, not yet. Maybe one day.
“God no! It’s bloody awful.”
“So why are you still there?” He asked, causing an awkward silence.
“Shall I get the next round in?” I stood up quickly. I didn’t know how to answer that question, and I wasn’t convinced that a first date was the place to ask it. To me, that stuff was deep and personal, and I hadn’t thought about it too much myself to even really know why. I certainly couldn’t vocalise it to Charlie.
Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe we should have left it as a one night stand.
I blinked back tears, telling myself to pull it together as the bar tender sorted out our next drinks. As I watched him pour the wine into the glass, I started to think about how I really needed to cut out the booze a bit. I didn’t want to end up drunk on a first date, not when things were so strained already. I’d gotten myself into trouble with Charlie once because of my big mouth, and I had no idea what would come out if I was drunk.
I would make this my last one. After this one glass of wine, I’d switch to soft drinks to keep myself in control.
But then I took a single sip, and my resolve flew out the window. The wine made me feel better, more at ease with myself. I felt like I could tackle more with it swimming around in my belly.
“Are you okay?” Charlie asked, concerned as I eventually sat back down at the tiny table that now felt a little claustrophobic.
His kind words made it very difficult not to cry. I was already on an unexpected emotional rollercoaster—being nice to me would only make that worse. “Yes.” I snapped quickly. “I just don’t want to talk about all of this…serious crap.” I knew I was taking out my own failures on him, I knew that, but I still couldn’t stop. “Let’s just…chill.”
“Chill?” He replied, clearly bemused. “Yeah…”
The silence surrounded us once more. Guilt trickled its way down my body, as the realisation of how rude I’d behaved hit. I didn’t mean for this to happen, I didn’t want my first date to go this way. This night was supposed to be magical, not ruined by me saying ridiculous things.
“Sorry.” I murmured, feeling terribly embarrassed by myself.
“Yeah, don’t worry.” His reply was now stilted; the night had become incredibly awkward and it was all because of me. I didn’t want things to go this way. It was just so hard for me to talk about anything. I didn’t know how to open up I wasn’t sure where I could even begin.
So why couldn’t I just tell him that? Surely if I was just honest, we could work through this…
“So, have you lived here your whole life?” I sipped my drink, trying to look innocent as I drastically changed the subject and shifted the focus back onto him. He gave me one quick, suspicious look, before allowing me what I needed and answering my question.
It seemed like my path was decided, and honesty certainly wasn’t the way I’d chosen to go.
FOURTEEN
Yep, it was official. I was drunk. All of my vows to behave on this date, to make a better impression than the shitty one I made last time had flown out of the window a long time ago. I was drunk, and acting kinda stupid, and I was slowly getting the impression that I was pissing Charlie off.
“What’s wrong?” I finally slurred in his direction, wishing I could make myself sound less like a dick. I wasn’t sure how many glasses of wine I’d had by that point, but I was certain that I’d passed the stage of one-too-many a fair while back.
“I don’t…” He started, before giving me a look that I couldn’t quite decipher. “I don’t know.”
“It it coz I’ve drank too much?” I could hear the weird deeper tone to my voice, the one that suggested I wasn’t quite myself. I didn’t like this one bit—the last time I’d been drunk it was fun, this felt more like a chore. Yet somehow, I was too far gone and I couldn’t quite find the way to stop myself. “I’m sorry; I never normally touch booze, so…” I completely lost my trail of thought, so I blinked a few times trying to get it back, probably making myself look like even more of an idiot.
“No, no.” He smiled weakly at me. “You’re kind of sweet when you’re drunk.” He touched my arm gently, sending a fission of excitement racing through my body. I shifted myself closer to him, wishing that I was in an appropriate place to press myself up against him and kiss him once more—with all of this alcohol in my system, my desire for Charlie ran uncontrollably free. “It’s just…every time I ask you something about yourself, you completely avoid the question.” I rapidly pulled away, as a heat filled my cheeks as his words. He was right, of course he was, but I didn’t know how to get out of that funk. Especially not after what happened with Amy. I was so afraid of letting everything, and for him to just reject me, “Is it because you think I’m just after you for one thing?”
Oh my God. He was still upset about my idiotic comment about him being accustomed to one night stands. How the hell was I going to get out of that one without making myself sound even worse?
“No, no. It’s not you. Not at all. It’s just…” I sucked in a deep breath of air, but that just resulted in making my head spin more. “It’s me.” I heard myself admitting, but almost as soon as I’d started I felt my insides coil with stress, and my mouth zipped itself firmly shut once more.
“Please, tell me what it is.” He pleaded. “Something is bothering you. There’s something that you’re holding back.” He gripped my hands tightly. “You can trust me, you know.”
Trust.
I wanted to trust him so damn badly, but with trust came vulnerability and I’d spent so long holding myself in that I didn’t know how to do that. I hadn’t even fully let Kimberly in, not really. Sure, she knew some, but I hadn’t completely let go around her. I was still keeping the true Lara—whoever the hell that was—firmly hidden away from the world.
“I don’t…” I shook my head, pulling away from him. I felt like I was about to cry, and I didn’t want him to see that. This was all happening far too quickly for my liking. This was supposed to be the fun-loving, exciting first date. Why was he insisting on trying to get in to all of this heavy stuff? Why couldn’t he just leave it alone? Couldn’t he sense that I really didn’t need any of it?
“Lara,” he moved back away from me too, creating what felt like a massive distance between us. “If you’re going to hold back from me like this, then there’s no point in us hanging out…or whatever it is we’re doing. We just can’t…”
“What do you mean?” I jumped in, starting to feel really angry. This was mental; he was being completely and utterly unreasonable. “Why are you so interested in all of this stupid deep stuff? Why can’t we just have fun?” My tone was bitchy and annoyed, but to be honest that was exactly how I felt.
“Dating is supposed to be about getting to know each other. That’s supposed to be a part of the fun.” Charlie was starting to get wound up too, and it was plastered all over his expression. For some reason, this simply resulted in irritating me even further.
“Does it have to be at your pace? Why can’t we just do things slowly?” I felt my entire body seize up at that moment. I had the horrible feeling that he was going to sneer at me and tell me that I certainly hadn’t been taking things slowly the last time we’d met, when we’d jumped in bed together, but luckily he didn’t. I had to respect him for that.
“I don’t know what to say Lara.” He began to look weary.”I really like you, a lot. But I don’t see how this can work if you won’t open up to me at all.” He paused, staring at me for a brief second before continuing. “Do you want me to open up first? Will that help? Okay sure,” I knew that he was trying to say the right thing, but his snippy tone was making this more of an argument than a heart-to-heart. “I was in love once, when I was much younger, but she was bad news.” I started to feel sick, not wanting to hear the rest of the story at all. “She was older than me, much more used to relationship manipulation than I was. Her friends were awful, and she wasn’t any better—but I was blinded by my feelings. I couldn’t see her bad points at all. Everyone else could, and they delighted in telling me, but this just made me bury my head in the sand even more.”
“Please stop,” I whispered. I really didn’t want to know anything about his life, not yet, not when it would result in him pressuring me to return the favour. But of course, he totally ignored me.
“Eventually, they started me on a slow decent into drink and drugs—the same path they were on—totally screwing up my school education.” I tried to picture that version of Charlie, but I couldn’t see it at all. “I became nothing more than a loser, and I don’t mind telling you that I’d still be that person today if I hadn’t walked in on her screwing two other guys at once, two of her friends.”
I gasped audibly, unable to imagine that happening in real life. “That must have been…”
“Awful, yes.” He sent me a weak smile. “But the worst moment of my life also became my best. It made me get rid of the lot of them, and get the motivation I needed to get my own home and start up my business. So even though I hate her for the hurt she put me through, I’m also glad. She taught me some much-needed life lessons.”
“Wow,” I was utterly gobsmacked. What do you say to a revelation like that?
“I don’t tell people that,” he said sincerely. “That’s a part of my past that I don’t like to reveal, but if it helps you talk to me, to let me get to know even a tiny part of you, then it’s worth it.”
He stared at me, waiting for me to say something, but even though I knew I should give him what he wanted—especially after that—my lips were sealed tightly shut. I knew the second I opened my mouth, I would burst into tears, and I couldn’t bear that. I didn’t want him to see me sobbing, not at all.
But I didn’t want to lose him either…
“Okay, fine.” He scraped his chair backwards, and stood up, realising that I still had no intention of speaking. “This is getting us nowhere. I guess I’ll see you around Lara.”
I wanted to scream and yell out as he turned his back on me and walked away, but I sabotaged myself and remained silent. There was just something inside of me that was holding me back and I couldn’t shake it off, however desperate I was to do so.
I sat stunned for a few moments, trying to decide on my next move. The thought of going home by myself to stare at the crack in my bedroom ceiling was far too depressing, so I did the next best thing and headed to the bar. I no longer had any worries about my behaviour because I’d just lost everything, so why not do something to make myself feel better instead?
An hour past, and I found myself still sat in the same seat, nursing yet another glass of wine. I’d been in tears on and off throughout the night, and it didn’t seem like drowning my sorrows was working for me at all. I felt worse than ever.
“Hey.” A gruff-sounding voice broke through the mental barrier I’d created around myself.
It was wholly unwelcome, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get away with just completely ignoring him, so I forced myself to reply in a monotone voice. “Hi.”
“What’s a pretty little thing like you doing drinking alone?” This question caused me to shoot him an awful look. God, did that sort of thing really work on people? He seemed to take my non-answer as an invitation to sit down, and I just couldn’t be bothered to argue with him. I was too mentally exhausted for any more altercations. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sound sleazy then. I didn’t realise you were upset.”
