Living on Borrowed Time, page 11
Even if I did have feelings for one of them…
“I just…this isn’t only about the last few days for me.” I spoke, allowing the fatigue to wash over me. “This has been going on since the day I found out that I was going to live. I’ve been kind of…depressed.”
Depressed?
The word rolled off my tongue in the heat of the moment, but it gave me pause for thought. Was that what I felt? Was that what controlled me? Was I really, actually depressed? I knew that I’d had some dark moments, but I’d never really considered it in those terms before.
Maybe that was the reason that I couldn’t shake this dark cloud off.
How could I make her see what was so clear to me? How did I let her know that I was worthless, useless, that I really should have died? That I wasn’t worth this life? How could I make her understand that? If I was any stronger, I’d be dead by now, but I was so pathetic that I couldn’t even work up the courage to kill myself…
Surely that thought proved my suspicions. Surely only someone with depression would consider suicide in such a casual manner?
“I don’t know how to live,” I whispered, fully realising the extent of everything. “And I’m not sure that I should have survived.”
“Lara, please listen to me.” My friend stepped forwards, her arms outstretched. My instant reaction was to recoil, to push her away, to hide, but I was too tired to keep doing that. I was exhausted, numb, there was no fight left inside me anymore, so I let her hold me, just for a few moments. “You need to face up to your past before you can move on. Something is dragging you down, and until you deal with it you’ll never be able to get better.”
Her words were swirling around in my mind, making me feel sicker than I had in a very long time. “I don’t know how…I can’t…” I was pretty sure that my words were slurred, but there wasn’t anything I could do to force myself to sound normal. The problem was she’d basically just said the same as the doctor, but in a way that made much more sense to me.
If I didn’t talk through my problems, if I never tackled them, then I would stay in this rut forever. I needed to ask myself how serious I really was about this living thing. If I still decided to go for it, after everything I’d been through, I had one hell of a rollercoaster ride ahead of me, and I wasn’t sure if I was fully ready to tackle it.
“Why don’t you go and see your family?” Kimberly asked tentatively, but I instantly shook my head in terror.
No way. There was just no way…
“I know it seems intimidating, but it has to be better than this, surely?” She asked. “I’ll come with you if that will help. You think it can’t do you any good, but it can’t do any harm, surely? Your family know you best, and they want what’s best for you. To me, that feels like the only place you can be right now. And while everything else is so…up in the air, this could be the perfect time to go.”
“I…” I didn’t want to. But maybe she was right. Maybe I had to, to be able to move on—I had to revisit my past as a part of the healing process. Maybe it was better than being trapped in this whirlwind of despair anyway. “I don’t know.” My drunk, sobbing voice replied as I collapsed into her. “I just…it’s all so horrible.”
“Come on.” She sighed, holding my body against hers. “Let’s get out of here.”
I didn’t want to leave, to head back home to where all I had was myself, the silence, and my thoughts, but I didn’t want to be out here anymore either.
“Will you stay with me?” I wept pathetically, knowing that she would agree. I didn’t deserve Kimberly, and I certainly didn’t do anything to make her want to stick around, yet she did regardless.
I was lucky to have her, so why couldn’t I see and accept that?
Maybe it really was time to start focusing on the few positives that I did have.
NINETEEN
Getting the official notice via letter that I’d been fired from the diner was the final straw. My new life was no more, and there was nothing I could do about it. Sure, I still had my one friend, but now that I was alone again, it was difficult to remember the warmth that she wrapped me in. As I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling crack above me, I realised that Kimberly was right, that I really had nothing to lose by going back home, that it probably was the next logical step for me if I wanted to improve my existence.
She had been right about a lot of things, but that was the only one I was focusing on for the time being.
I picked up my phone and dialled my mother’s number before I could change my mind. I needed to take snap action, before I gave myself the opportunity to talk myself out of it. I knew it wouldn’t take much for me do a complete one-eighty, and unless I wanted to continue on my self-destructive spiral, then now was the time to get things done.
The ring from the phone was dull, but not as monotone as my voice became as soon as she answered.
“Hello?”
“Mum, it’s me.” I let out a deep sigh, really wishing that I didn’t have to utter these words. “Can I come home for a few days?”
“What? Really?” She was so stunned. I could practically hear her pacing the room in shock. “Of course, we’d love to have you back! When are you coming? Just so I can get organised…” It sounded like there was an uncertainty there, which caused a twist of worry to coil up in my stomach, but I quickly shook that thought from my mind, convinced that I’d put it there myself as just another excuse. There couldn’t be any more assumptions, any more reasons. I just needed to do this, to get it done now before it was too late for me.
“Today.” Now that the decision had been made, there was no point in putting it off any longer. I had to tackle this head on if I wanted to get things back on the right track. “If that’s okay?”
“Of course.” Her cogs were already ticking, trying to plan everything. I was sure that to her, this was almost worse than a visit from royalty. “I’ll ask Carter if he has the time to come and pick you up…”
“No.” I interrupted, before she got too carried away. “I’m alright mum; I’d rather get the bus.” A few hours in the car with Carter sounded too painful for words—we just didn’t know each other well enough to have anything to talk about. Public transport was definitely the preferable option. “Then I can…” I tried to think of a valid excuse, so I didn’t sound like I was totally rejecting her husband. “Pack, and get all organised…” That was pathetic, but somehow she bought it. To be honest, she was probably desperate not to do anything that might put me off.
“Okay great, well I’ll see you in a few hours then.”
I hung up the phone, already regretting my decision. Why did I think that was a good idea? I could have spent the entire day wallowing in self-pity under my sheets instead. Instead I was going to have to make awkward small talk with my mum’s new family, and bat off all kinds of questions that might cause concern.
At least it would keep me away from all the temptations that the city held—there was no denying that positive.
I huffed sadly, forcing my weary body out of bed, and tossed a few items into a backpack, thinking that I wouldn’t need a lot since I had no intention of being there long. A day, a night, that would be plenty. I was already feeling overwhelmed with all of the attention I was going to get, and I wasn’t even there yet! There was no way I’d be able to stand it for too long when it was really happening.
Maybe if they were the normal sort of family that left me pretty much alone, I’d be okay. But of course they were the opposite of that. Mum would fuss around me until I was ready to weep.
I prayed that this whole finding myself bullshit didn’t take too long, and that I could return to my solitude soon enough.
***
As soon as I got onto the bus, and it started making the journey towards my home town, the panic really set in. I was suddenly completely unsure of what the hell I was doing, why I’d allowed Kimberly to convince me that this was in any way a good idea. Sure, my life in the city was a terrible mess, but this idea of a time-out didn’t feel like it was going to be a good one either.
I’d made one bad decision after another, and it really felt like this was going to be another one.
The closer I got, the more the bus progressed on its travels, the more tied up in knots my brain became. The outside world whizzed past in a horrifying blur, and by the time I actually arrived in Newmount, I was more of a hot mess than I had been for months. As I started to spot more familiar landmarks out of the window, the sicker I started to feel.
I couldn’t do this. There was just no way this was going to be anything other than awful. If anything were going to send me spiralling backwards, it would be this.
I walked slowly from the bus stop to my mother’s home, dragging my feet noisily behind me like a petulant child being forced into something that I didn’t want to do. Each house I passed was oddly strange and familiar to me all at the same time, like a bizarre dream filled with déjà vu. I hated being back here, with all the loaded expectation that was on my shoulders. Now, all the people that I’d left behind in a hurry, with a lot of bad blood flowing between us, would be expecting something from me. They would have assumed that I’d gotten over myself and that I’d finally done something positive. That my move to the city had changed me for the best…not turned me into a complete and utter mess.
The fact that I was going to let every single one of them down was heartbreaking to say the least. And also incredibly humiliating. How did someone go for a better life and come back worse off? I was absolutely pathetic.
I stood outside the door of my childhood home for a while, trying to prepare myself, but it seemed like I wasn’t going to get the luxury of a moment to myself because before long my mum’s face peeked through the window, looking for me and she raced to the front door in excitement the second she spotted me.
“Lara!” She cried happily, with tears shining in her eyes. “Come in.” She pressed her hand on the small of my back, encouraging me forward, but it really felt like she was pushing me towards my doom.
I trudged pointedly, feeling a little like an obnoxious teenager who wanted to be bad-tempered and petty all at once. It was amazing that I’d only just stepped into my home town and I’d already reverted back a few years, to my awful teenage self. Any signs of me becoming an adult had completely vanished—I could almost feel the crazy hormones returning to me, sending me into a wild mess.
Carter came to greet me first, and I instantly noticed how alive and happy he looked—nothing like the man I remembered. Clearly my illness had dragged the joy out of him, but now that I was gone, he’d gotten himself back. Surprisingly I felt pleased for him, and I realised that I didn’t want to put him through any crap again. None of it had been his fault—he’d married my mum for love a long time before anything had happened to me—but he’d suffered regardless, and that wasn’t fair. As he wrapped his arms around me in a caring hug, I decided that I would only be nice to him from now on.
I was going to be different—better. I would prove to myself and everyone else that there was more to me, that I could do it.
Then, two strapping young lads stepped from the kitchen, smiling wildly at me.
“Hi Lara.” The smallest one said in a voice that hadn’t long broken. “How you doing?”
“Jack?” I gasped. “Phil?” My eyes flickered between them, trying to connect the crazy dots. How had the little boys I’d once known grown into these towering young men? Of course I’d known that time would intervene, but I couldn’t believe quite how much. “Wow.”
As we all stepped apart, grinning a little awkwardly at one another, mum started to rush around in the irritating way that she always did when she felt uncomfortable. “Dinner is on; I’ve made lasagne because that’s your favourite.” Was it? I couldn’t quite remember, so I nodded inanely, deciding to trust her words blindly. “It’ll be done soon…”
“Can I go and dump my stuff in my room?” The more she spoke, the more I needed to get that moment to myself. I was beginning to feel the bricks of pressure piling up onto my shoulders, and I needed a second to shake them off.
I watched mum and Carter exchange a guilty look. “Well,” she started. “Your old room is Carter’s office now. We thought maybe you could sleep in the basement? There’s a cot bed down there…”
I sighed dramatically, wanting to show my irritation, before agreeing—knowing that I had no choice. “Fine, whatever. Let me go to the basement to sort my stuff out.”
I wasn’t sure why I was overreacting to an inevitable change, it just made me feel bad and I needed everyone to understand that. I wanted people to understand my suffering, and maybe feel just a small bit of it for themselves too.
As I stomped down the stairs into the dark, damp basement, angry tears pricked my eyes. I knew that I hadn’t been back for years, and that I’d never return here to live permanently, but the fact that they could just get rid of my room so quickly was hurtful. How long had they waited before tossing out of all traces of me forever? Were they really that glad I left?
All resolve to behave better went out the window, as an inexplicable rage overtook.
***
Things didn’t improve over dinner. Mum kept poking and prodding me, trying to find out more about my life—even though it was obvious that I didn’t want to discuss it. I snapped back, desperate for her to get the hint, but she was pointedly ignoring my terrible attitude.
“How was your hospital appointment the other day?” She asked quietly, finally breaking the straw on the camel’s back. Of all the subjects I didn’t want to talk about, this topped the list. How could she not understand that? I’d spent years mulling over my damn health; of course I didn’t want to do it anymore.
I slumped back into my seat, my rage at boiling point. A red mist had well and truly descended, and all rational thought was gone. “Fine mum. God can’t you ever just leave it alone?” I snapped angrily.
“Lara.” Carter jumped in sharply, slamming his cutlery down in disgust at my childish attitude. “Your mum just wants to know how you are.”
“I said fine, so that must mean that I’m fucking wonderful!” I waved my hands manically above my head, not even caring that I so clearly looked like an idiot. Anger had consumed me, and that was all I’d become.
“Language. In front of the boys.” He shot back, not taking my bullshit lying down. In any other situation, I would have been glad of this—it meant he was treating me like everyone else, not as if I was a special case—but not now. Now I was fucking furious.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t really angry at them, it was at myself, but I exploded at my family anyway, needing a target to take some of the strain away from me.
“Oh fuck you, Carter.” I sneered nastily, sounding nothing like myself at all.
“Lara…” Mum warned, but it was too late.
“What do you want from me? You want me to lie? To tell you that everything is fucking wonderful?” I scraped my chair backwards, knocking my plate everywhere as I stood up. I was being completely rude, a total bitch, and I didn’t even care. “Well I’m sorry that I don’t fit into your perfect family, that I’m an inconvenience, that my entire life is a complete and utter sham.”
“No…” Mum tried, but I was on a roll. There was no way that she was getting a word in edgeways however much she tried.
“I bet you all wish that I had died, don’t you?” I stared at them all in turn, seeing the shock and distain plastered across all of their faces. “Well, guess what? So do I. Everything would be fucking easier if I was gone.” Much to my annoyance, tears were streaming down my cheeks now, causing Phil to shoot me a look of utter sympathy.
I did not need his fucking pity!
“You want rid? You cleared out my room as a hint? Well good—here you are getting exactly as you want!”
And with that, I span on my heels and stalked out the door, ignoring their weak protests ringing out behind me. It wasn’t until the fresh air hit my face that I realised I didn’t have my backpack with me, which meant I’d have to go back at some point. They keys to my apartment were in there, so I couldn’t cope without it.
But not right now, I couldn’t go back right this second, not while I was so mad.
Instead, I went to the only place that I would feel comfortable, even if it was somewhere I’d never been before. Not here anyway. I needed to go to the local pub.
The only thing that could fix this was a drink. Alcohol was the only thing that could numb all of these emotions, and being back home didn’t change that. Whatever Kimberly thought I was going to achieve by returning here, she had been very, very wrong, and now I needed to drown all of that away.
If this was the only answer to everything that was fucking me up, then clearly I was done. There was nothing left.
TWENTY
As soon as I sat down at the bar and had ordered a drink—before I had even begun to take a deep breath to process all that had happened—an unwelcome, familiar voice rang out.
“Lara? Is that you?”
I hung my head for a second, closing my eyes and muttering ‘of course’ to myself, before plastering on a big fake smile and spinning around on the bar stool. There it was—the familiar shock of red hair, the blue eyes pierced with concern, the rose tattoo peeking out from under her shirt.
I took a quick gulp of my wine, desperate to steady my nerves.
“Daphne.” Even I could hear the fakeness in my voice as I spoke, but I tried my damn hardest to keep that under control. “How are you?” I felt like I should reach out for a hug, but I didn’t. I kept my arms planted firmly by my sides, almost stubbornly so. Under normal circumstances, I might have been able to act like all was okay, but I was still reeling from Carter’s words, and I couldn’t seem to stop myself from acting out.
