Living on Borrowed Time, page 14
“Mum,” I tried kindly, grabbing her hands in mine. “I need to go. I need to get back to my real life…”
“What life?” She snapped back, her hurt shining through. “You have no job, no responsibilities. You need to be around people while you recover. Carter and I have paid your rent for the next few months for your apartment, just to keep your stuff safe, but you need to be here, with us. You can’t be alone.” She was practically pleading with me, and I could feel my resolve starting to waver, but I forced myself to stay strong.
“Mum, I’m okay now. I need to start sorting myself out.”
“No, you aren’t, you’re a mess.” A single tear flicked from her eye and rolled slowly down her cheek. “I won’t hear another word on it. Not for the time being anyway.”
After that, I tried to stay for her sake, I really did, but it wasn’t doing me any good. Something dramatic had shifted inside of me, and I needed to be free to explore that. I couldn’t sit here in these four walls, going nuts, and I couldn’t see how I was going to make my mum understand.
I didn’t want to do anything rash, but she was leaving me with no choice. I needed to get away from all of them, I had to get back to myself, and God damn it I was a grown ass woman. If I wanted to go home, then I would.
So I did something truly shocking and awful, feeling horribly guilty the entire time, but also knowing that I was doing the right thing—and that in the end everyone else would see that.
At least, I seriously hoped they would…
I snuck off in the middle of the night, caught the bus home, leaving only a note behind.
‘To mum and Carter,
I’m sorry for leaving in this way, but I don’t know what else to do. I need to stand on my own two feet – and I know you don’t think I’m ready for that but I am.
Please trust me. This is the right thing for me to do, I hope that you’ll see that eventually.
Lara xxx’
I knew mum would flip—of course she would—but I needed to do what was right for me. I hoped that she would see that I was different now, that the therapy had impacted on me in a positive way. I knew for a fact that if she didn’t see it now, then she would eventually.
I just needed to prove myself.
TWENTY-FOUR
As I sat on the night bus, watching the dark world go by, Daphne’s words filled my mind once more. I’d been thinking about that encounter a lot lately, wishing that I’d had the opportunity to do things differently before I left. But that was just going to be something else that I would have to tackle at a later date.
I could have done it while I was still there, but I’d much rather go back and face her when I was stronger, when I finally had something to be proud of.
‘Selfish’
‘All about you’
‘Fuck you, Lara’
I hated what she’d said to me, but there was no denying that she was right, and I really didn’t want to be that person anymore. I wanted to change so badly, and now I felt a bit more like I had the tools to be able to do so. I wouldn’t make the same mistakes as before; I would do things differently this time. I was going to take this second—or third, wherever I was by this point—chance, grab it with both hands, and make it exactly what it should have been all along.
Whatever that was.
It didn’t matter, I wasn’t focusing too much on what I was going to do exactly, I was just going to make things better. That was my goal for the time being, and that was enough.
I wasn’t going to end up like my dad, no matter what.
And that thought kept me feeling positive, despite knowing that I’d done wrong by my family, all the way home.
As I finally stepped back into my house—my shitty little apartment—I realised that I finally had the opportunity to make a really decent life-affecting change for myself. My apartment was paid off for the time being, I had no job holding me back, now was the time to pull it all together.
Now was the time to figure out what my damn dream was! The issue that I’d been struggling with for ages.
Of all the jobs I had to do to help me achieve my goal of a more positive life, that was the one I struggled with the most. I just had absolutely no idea what the future held for me, and what I was supposed to do about it. I just didn’t have any dreams, and I wasn’t sure how to figure them out.
Because of that, I decided to tackle some of the other tasks I had to first, just to clear my mind. Then I could come back to it with absolutely no distractions.
I glanced at my watch, realising that it was a respectable time, before ringing Kimberly. She was my one ally, the one person I could trust to help me, and I needed to speak to her, to thank her, to apologise for being such a crappy person. I also needed to tell her that she’d been right all along, and that I really should have listened to her sooner.
“Hello?” She answered, sounding groggier than I’d expected.
“Kimberly? Sorry, are you asleep?”
“Hold on.” She whispered, before tiptoeing into another room. “Sorry, I’m at Nick’s. Are you okay?”
“You’re at Nicks?” I couldn’t help but squeal like a silly school girl. Despite the deep pang of jealousy that sprung up into my stomach, I felt happy for her too. I was excited that she’d gotten all that wanted, she really did deserve it and Nick was perfect for her. “How’s that going?”
“It’s been good.”
As she spoke about her developing relationship with Nick, I realised yet again how selfish I’d been. I’d depended so much on Kimberly, without ever asking about her, without even keeping tabs on her life. I’d known how much she liked Nick, and I hadn’t helped her with that even once.
I’d been a shitty friend.
I refused to be that way anymore.
Instead of getting swamped in what I’d done wrong, I focused on what I would do to make it better, which was something of a revelation for me. It was a massive change from where my head was at not so long ago at any rate.
“That’s such amazing news, I’m so happy for you.” I gushed. Her and Nick were ideal for one another. I was glad that they could finally see that!
“So, erm…” There was a shift in her tone as she started to sound uncomfortable. “How did your visit home go?”
“Actually, pretty good.” I smiled to myself. “I mean there were definitely some ups and downs, but overall I’m in a much better place.”
I heard my friend let out a deep breath of relief. “Good I’m glad, so you’re…?”
“I much better, just onwards and upwards now.” We laughed for a few moments before I continued. “So, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry, and thank you, and…”
“Honestly Lara, don’t worry!” She hissed at me. “That’s what friends do.”
Friend.
She really was my friend, the best I’d ever had.
But I couldn’t get emotional about that. I had stuff I needed to do.
“So, shall I come over later?” Kimberly asked.
“Honestly, that’s up to you.” I replied. “I’d love to see you, but if you’re too busy with Nick then I totally understand. You can come and see me in the week sometime if not, I’m really okay.” And I meant it. I really was. “I have a lot to work on anyway.”
“If you’re sure…” I could tell that she felt bad, but I really didn’t want her to.
“Just have fun will you!” I insisted. “Come and see me whenever you can.”
As we hung up the phone, I sat down to make a list of absolutely everything. There was no holding back anymore, this was it. This was my real second chance, and I was going to grab it with both hands. Yes, I had a lot to do, and it certainly wasn’t going to be an easy road ahead of me, but that would make it worth it.
Now that I’d made the choice to live, I needed to really do it.
TWENTY-FIVE
My apartment being cleaned was a really good start. It made my head much clearer, which meant that I could actually think. My checklist was a long arduous one, and it sure as hell felt good to finally cross something off of it. It was a positive step in the right direction, and that was something.
Then, I took the bull by the horns and I called my mum. I knew that was going to be particularly difficult task to complete, but I couldn’t let it go by any longer. I was a little shocked that she hadn’t called me, but that just proved how pissed she was.
“Yes?” She answered sharply, the anger evident in her tone.
“I’m sorry.” I replied instantly, feeling like a naughty chided child all over again. Mum didn’t answer me, and her icy silence was loaded. “I had to go, mum.” I pleaded, begging her to understand me. “I need to move forward, and I couldn’t there. My life is here.”
“I thought you might, I don’t know, I guess I just assumed that you’d come back to stay permanently.” She admitted, totally unexpectedly. I’d never shown any sign that I would want to go back there ever. “You just…you don’t seem happy where you are.”
“I will be.” I promised. “I’m working on it.”
“You could be happy here though…” She started, sounding more hopeful than I would like, forcing me to jump in.
“No, mum. There I’ll always be associated with being sick. That’s all I’ll ever be to people.” I heard her sigh, wanting to argue, but luckily she seemed to think better of it. “Here, I’ve made my mistakes, but I can start again. It’s not as…claustrophobic.”
“What are you going to do?” She asked tentatively. “I want to help in some way.”
“I’m not sure yet.” I replied honestly. “I’m working on that.”
“Okay.” She sighed again, starting to sound increasingly exasperated. “Well I do have something I can do for you. Me and Carter put some money aside to help you get a home here. How about I send it to you, to help get you started?”
“No, mum you don’t have to…” I said, but my mind began whirring with possibilities. If I had something to keep me going, then I could really do something great.
“I want to sweetie.” She continued. “I feel so helpless, please let me do this.”
“Thank you.” A massive lump had formed in my throat, making it difficult to speak, but I managed to get that much out. “I appreciate it.”
“Of course.”
I had my family, I had my friend, I had a future—but what the hell was I going to do with it?
***
I spent the next few days really trying to figure that one out, but there was one distraction that kept cropping up, getting in my way. He was taking up so much of my brain space, that it was actually really difficult to focus.
Charlie.
He was the one problem that I really wanted to solve, but I had no idea how. I liked him so damn much, even now after all this time, and I wanted to make things right between us.
I knew it was unlikely that he would give me another shot, but with him out in the world somewhere, hating my guts, I wasn’t sure if I could ever move on. If I could just view him as a failed experiment, as a step on my path to getting better, it might be easier, but I couldn’t. I still longed for him, ached for him, I still wanted him to be mine.
Or at the very least, in my life.
So I did something totally out of character, something really brave, I called him. I picked up my phone and dialled his number, trying desperately to ignore my thumping heart.
“Hello?” He answered on practically the first ring, not giving me nearly enough time to prepare myself.
“Oh, erm…hi.” I stammered back, wishing that I’d planned out what I was going to say. Going in blind had been a stupid mistake! “It’s…erm, it’s Lara.”
“Oh.” He sounded glum, like I was the last person on Earth that he wanted to hear from. That made my heart sink into my shoes. I hadn’t expected the warmest reception in the world, but I thought he might be a little more pleased to hear from me. Sure, we’d left it on really bad terms, but was it really that awful?
“I just…I wanted to say that I’m sorry.”
“What for?” He shot back, exploding all of the emotions that he’d clearly been keeping locked up for a very long time. “Calling me a slut? Telling me to chill out? Refusing to tell me anything about you.”
I hadn’t been expecting such an onslaught, and it totally took me aback. “I erm…all of it. It’s complicated.”
“I know.” He snapped back sounding far harsher that I expected. “Too complicated to tell me about.” I heard him take a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. “I came back for you.” If he thought I’d instantly know what he was on about, then he was very wrong. “That night.” He clarified. “I waited outside for a while, for you to leave the pub so that I could speak to you.”
My heart began hammering painfully against my chest. Was he saying what I thought he was? Could that explain why he so blatantly didn’t want to speak to me? If so, I couldn’t exactly blame him, I’d feel exactly the same way!
“But you didn’t, so I started to walk home.” He began to sound choked up, as if this was painful to say. “Except, I felt bad, so I didn’t quite get there. I went back to find you, and you already had another guy wrapped around you.”
In that moment, I wanted to ground to swallow me up whole. I should have left it, then I never would have known the horror that I inflicted. I began to feel dizzy with nausea, imagining his face seeing me there…like that.
“And you have the nerve to assume that I was experienced at the one night stand?” He’d returned to snarky now, and I wanted to speak out, to defend myself, but there really wasn’t anything I could say.
In that moment, it hit me how bad I’d fucked up, and how deep my feelings ran for Charlie. I’d kind of assumed that he might still be there when I was ready, when I was hole again, but of course I’d screwed up far too much for that.
I was suddenly overcome with the overwhelming desire to run away once more, to start afresh somewhere new. I needed to escape…
“And that wasn’t the only time.” He continued. “I saw you with another guy, a week or so later.” What? I had no recollection of this at all. “I asked if you wanted my help, but you told me to fuck off.” Nope, still no memory. God what a state! How could I have allowed all of that to happen? How had I allowed myself to fall so far? To get so drunk that I didn’t even know what was going on around me?
Tears sparked in my eyes once more, but this time they were from rage—I’d never been so angry at myself in my entire life.
“I nearly died.” I suddenly heard myself yelling. “I was ill, I was supposed to die. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing. I’m just…I’m a fucking mess.” This silenced him. Clearly he hadn’t been expecting that. “I’m so sorry, sorry that you got caught up in all of my bullshit.”
I started to move the phone away from my ear, to hang up and put an end to this thing that was clearly never going to happen, but just as I pulled it off me I heard him reply in a tiny voice. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” I sighed deeply, closing my eyes wishing that I could be talking about anything else in the entire world. “I had a rare form of cancer, and I was given six months to live. I’m not supposed to be here.” In the spirit of honesty, I decided to spill it all. There was no point of holding anything back now, what more damage could I do? “When we slept together, I was a virgin, totally inexperienced with everything which is why I said what I did about…about you. Then, I guess I started to freak out, to lose everything about myself, and now…now I’m still not sure.”
“I like you.” He whispered as a reply. “I felt an intense spark from the very first time that I saw you.” Somehow his words didn’t fill me with a confidence. They felt more like a goodbye than a let’s see where this goes. “That’s why I slept with you. I’ve never had sex with someone as quickly as that, but it just felt so right.”
“I’m…” I started, but he wasn’t done talking.
“But seeing you, with all of those others…it just reminded me of my ex. She hurt me bad. She cheated on me, and I thought we were in love. You know all about that, I told you what happened. It just…it feels like my judgement is shit.”
“But…” I wanted to defend myself, to promise him the world, but he wasn’t having any of it.
“Maybe if we’d met at a different time in your life, or under other circumstances…we could have been something.” No, no, no, I did not like where this was headed. “It’s a shame, but…” He sounded like he was starting to cry, which just confirmed everything for me. “Have a nice life, Lara.” He finished, before cutting me off forever.
I sat there for a while, in the same position, with the phone still pressed up against my ear, in utter shock.
It was done.
We were done.
I hadn’t realised until that moment how much I was banking on things being okay, and now I had no idea what to do with the information that they weren’t. I still had to move forward with my life, I knew that much. I couldn’t allow all of this to hold me back, to ruin the progress I had made. But what was I going to do? I had no plans, no dreams, no idea where my future was headed…
But I did have that money.
An idea started to form, and although it felt a little like running away, I decided to view it as a break instead; a real time-out to work out what was next—one without parents, and therapy, and stress. I’d done all that I could here, I’d made up with who I could, and now it was time to focus on where my life was going…
And with a new sense of positivity, I picked up my laptop and started to do some research.
TWENTY-SIX
As I stepped onto the plane, I didn’t look back. I knew there was a whole lot I was leaving behind—Kimberly, my family who I was on slightly better terms with. And Charlie. I knew I was risking losing everything, especially him, and he might have just been perfect for me.
