Living on Borrowed Time, page 7
It made me feel a little sad at the prospect of not only losing my virginity in such a seedy manner, but also the fact that it was unlikely I’d ever see Charlie again. But I also didn’t want to have my hopes high, expecting something to come of us, to then suffer the crushing sadness when it didn’t. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to cope with that.
“Lara?” A croaky voice broke out, shaking me out of my negative thought spiral before it could get too deep. “Where are you?”
“Um, in the bathroom, one second.” Heart thumping, mouth dry, palms sweating…oh God, I was not ready for this. But I was going to have to face my fears all the same. There was no way I could remain in here now, not if I didn’t want Charlie to think that I was strange.
I stepped tentatively out of the bathroom, wondering where to go first. I couldn’t face the bedroom, not yet. I needed a few more moments to gather myself first. “Do you want a drink?” I called out. The tremble in my voice was evident—I hoped that was only to me.
“Coffee, two sugars. Thank you!” His voice was smiling, I could tell. That was infectious and made me grin too—somehow overriding all of the fear I’d only just been experiencing. Even in the cold, sober light of day, and even from another room, Charlie’s wonderful personality managed to affect me deeply. There really was something special about him, and I couldn’t deny to myself that I hoped this wouldn’t be it. I really did want to see him again. However much I tried to prepare myself for the worst outcome, I knew it was going to hurt me if he was finished with me, no matter what.
As I flicked the kettle on, I thought about his face, his gorgeous body, the way he made me feel…I focused on the good, rather than the bad, and it sent my mood skyrocketing upwards. Fixating on the negative had always been a fault of mine—just another thing that I needed to shake off if I was really going to live.
Really going to live?
That was the first time any thought like that had ever entered my mind. It had always been ‘I don’t know how to live’, or ‘I shouldn’t be alive’, that sort of thing. Never any positive focus on moving forward.
Could I really move forward?
Oh God, that was too much, too deep for this time of the morning, especially when I had a gorgeous man waiting in my bed. I put it in a box in the back of my brain, deciding to return to it later on, when I could really give it the contemplation that it deserved.
I sucked in a deep breath, choosing to be brave and go into the room, to finally face Charlie. I was going to have to do it at some point, and this seemed as good a time as any. I had the drinks in my hand, and no more excuses to keep on avoiding him.
As I walked down my hallway, I forced a determined look onto my face. If I at least looked like I had it all under control, then he might just believe it. I didn’t think I’d have to hold it together for long anyway. He would likely leave soon enough, and I would have all the time to fall apart then.
His smile blew me away once more, the second that I laid eyes on it again. I only needed to look at him for all of my fears, my worries, my anxiety to melt away. Poof, it all just vanished. He just seemed to have this way of making me feel comfortable, that no one else had managed before, and that was a magical quality in my books!
“So—.”
“I—.”
We both started at the same time, before laughing loudly.
“I’m sorry.” I tried again. “I don’t really know what to do after a one night stand.” I tried to chuckle again to prove how totally fine I was with that, but I sounded a little strangled. The strain about the situation was definitely there, much as I wanted to disguise it.
His face seemed to fall at that remark, sending another round of terror coursing through my body. Was that the wrong thing to say? “Um.” He coughed loudly, suddenly avoiding my eyes—looking everywhere but my face. “Yeah, yeah, I…”
“Oh, I thought you’d be well practiced at this.” I continued, unable to stop my motor mouth from sounding off. Internally, I cursed myself like crazy, but it was too late—the words were already out there, and judging by the hurt on Charlie’s face, I’d spoken completely out of turn.
“I have to get off in a bit, I have a work meeting in an hour, but you’ll call me?” He trailed off, as if some realisation has hit him. Maybe he’d said the part about keeping in touch automatically. It was unlikely that he’d want to speak to me again now!
I really was a total idiot! I’d managed to screw everything up with a few ill-advised words.
“Okay, sure. I will.” I smiled blandly, wishing desperately that I could think of something better to say. Even ‘sorry, I didn’t mean it like that’ sounded a bit redundant in my mind.
I watched Charlie take one noisy slurp of his coffee before shoving his clothes back on rapidly, as if he couldn’t wait to get away from me. My chest felt a little hollow and sad, but I kept my lips firmly shut. I was terrified that anything else I’d say would only make things worse, and I really didn’t want to do that.
“Why do you think I’d be ‘practiced at this’?” He suddenly turned to face me, anger plastered across his face.
I felt myself recoil a little, and the shyness set back in. “I…I…”
“Do you think I do this sort of thing all the time?” His tone was bitter, which made me feel stupid for even saying anything. Why had I said that out loud? That was basically calling him a slut. “I…I’m sorry.” I stammer. “I didn’t mean…” Tears pricked at my eyes as I realised just how badly I’d upset him. I’d been so concerned with my own sadness, that I hadn’t even considered the impact of my words.
“Never mind.” Charlie rubbed his hand across his face wearily, preventing me from getting my pathetic excuse out. “Never mind. Let’s just…” He looked at me with sorrow in his eyes, making me feel a million times guiltier than I ever had before. “I’ll leave you my number, then…we’ll see.”
I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to find the right words to bring the easiness back between us, to take things back to where they were before I’d spoken, but before any more words could leave my lips, I had a business card in my hand, a very empty apartment and there was a cold chill in the air.
TWELVE
I spent most of the morning wandering aimlessly around my flat in a bit of a daze. What the hell had happened? Where had I gone wrong?
Actually, that question was pointless; I’d opened my stupid mouth. That’s where I’d fucked up. I’d spoken without thinking and managed to say the most hurtful, offensive thing possible. How the hell would I have felt if he’d turned around and insinuated that I was easy for sleeping with him after only just meeting? That would have killed me. So much for worrying about how I was going to be judged—I ended up being the one making assumptions.
What an idiot!
I decided that I needed to text Charlie to at least attempt to make amends; otherwise I would lose him forever. If I just left it, he would think the worst about me and eventually move on—a prospect that cut me deep inside. Sure, it was unlikely that he would want to hear from me or that he’d even reply, but I at least had to try. I wouldn’t be able to move forward if I didn’t at least know either way for sure.
I would have to be brave, or I’d end up stuck in a rut of feeling as dreadful as I felt at that moment—and I really didn’t want that for myself.
‘Hi Charlie, it’s Lara. I’m sorry for…’
Nope, delete. That sounded stupid. I jiggled my phone between my fingers, begging my brain to think of something to say, before the courage slipped away.
‘Hi Charlie, thanks for…’
Urgh, no way! What was I going to say? Thanks for last night? I couldn’t imagine anything worse.
I was going to have to write something soon if I didn’t want to give myself enough time to talk myself out of it completely. This time, I typed quickly and I didn’t even read it before I hit send, so at least it was done.
‘Hi Charlie, it’s Lara. I would love to see you again, if that’s what you want x’.
As soon as it was gone, I regretted every single word. My brain whirred with a million-and-one better things that I could have said, that I should have written, but it was too late now. I almost wanted to send another message telling Charlie to ignore the other one, but before I got around to it, my phone lit up and pinged noisily, alerting me to a reply.
‘This weekend sound good? ;) x’
Clearly he had calmed down, and he was willing to try again. My heart lifted at the prospect that I hadn’t ruined everything, that he was giving me another shot. I couldn’t believe it! How lucky was I? I wasn’t sure if I would have been so forgiving, so it was nice that Charlie was a better person than myself.
Everything that I’d said to myself this morning to stop myself from hurting if it did only turn out to be a one night stand just vanished. I never wanted it to be that, not really. I may have only spent a short time with Charlie, but it was enough to know that I already liked him, and that I wanted to spend more time with him. I wanted to know everything there was to know about him.
And now it looked like that could actually happen.
***
After that, messages flew back and forth between myself and Charlie, each one easing the knot of worry in my heart. Things were going to be okay! Really and truly, and I was so incredibly happy about that. It made me feel better than I ever had before. All the joy I’d been experiencing up until now paled into significance as the smile grew brighter on my face with every scrap of communication.
I also heard back from Kimberly—it turned out that she was looking for me when we got separated, because she suddenly panicked that I’d been gone for a while. I knew that of course, she was far too kind-hearted to abandon me like that, even for Nick. She was a little evasive about it, but from what I got things had gone really well between the pair of them. I couldn’t wait to find out more when I saw her next.
Now that everything was a little more settled in my mind, two problems kept popping to the surface of my mind. With such an amazing, unexpected week behind me, it felt like these little niggles were much more significant than they would have been otherwise. Settling these would make everything good, and for the first time in a long time that was what I really wanted.
I had the deep-seated feeling that I really should email Daphne, to clear the air a bit. She’d had the decency to tell me about her engagement, even though she really didn’t have to, and it felt a little disrespectful to totally blow past that. Plus, if I did ever make the decision to go home for a visit, it wouldn’t be too awkward if I bumped into her and Bradley—which of course I would. Sods law dictated as much! On top of that, I also wanted to contact Amy, to try and make things right between us too. I didn’t want to enter this friendship group and make her uncomfortable by just not talking. I was sure that this was something that we could overcome, if we tried. Even if we couldn’t, remaining silent wouldn’t do us any favours either. We didn’t need to face it head on of course, but I couldn’t do nothing either.
But which to do first?
I had work in an hour and a half, so technically I could tackle them both. I did wish that Amy had worked some notice before leaving the diner, that way I could have talked to her face-to-face, but of course I wasn’t that lucky. She’d had accrued quite a few days of holiday, which allowed her to start at the hair salon right away—and I really didn’t think that visiting her new place was a good idea. Especially not when she was trying to settle in. Instead, I decided to send her a nice, breezy Facebook message—one that couldn’t be misconstrued in any way. I hoped that she would reply, but I wasn’t too sure if she would or not.
‘Hi Amy, I hope the new job is going well. Thinking of you! Lara x’
There. Simple. I’d extended a very straightforward olive branch—not that we’d fallen out or anything—but it just opened a dialogue which may or may not turn into something more. I smiled to myself, pleased that I’d taken some action. The Lara that I was only a short while ago would have been too afraid, too stuck, to even consider such a bold move. I really had taken some massive leaps in my life, and there was definitely an element of pride inside of me.
Now for the difficult job—the email.
I’d done the message to Amy, I could do this too. Even if it did strike a cold, hard terror into my heart. I re-read Daphne’s words, desperately gulping down the sting in my chest, knowing that this time I was going to have to take in every word properly, to allow me to form a suitable reply.
“Hi Lara,
It’s me again. I hope you’re well. I don’t know why I keep emailing you, I’m not even sure if you’re even reading these messages! I guess I just want to keep you in the loop. Bradley and I are engaged now. We move into our new house at the end of next week. Our wedding isn’t going to be until next year – I’d love for you to come, but I do understand if you don’t want to. I hope that you’re well, I’d love for you to get back to me and let me know what you’ve been up to. I’ve been thinking of you.
Lots of love, your friend Daphne xxx’
Guilt crept its way up my body as I drank in each and every word. Daphne had been through some major life changes that I knew nothing about. If you’d told me that would happen when we were younger, I would never have believed it. We used to be so close…how had it gotten so bad?
Of course, I knew the answer to that—me. It was entirely my fault.
I really had neglected her since I left, and she’d done so much for me throughout my life—when I was sick, and before that too. I’d been a terrible, crappy friend and there was no excuse for that. She was the one person who was always there, no matter what.
I thought back to school, when I was being teased because I didn’t have the very fashionable, very expensive shoes that everyone else was wearing. Daphne called those mean girls out for what they were; making sure everyone left me alone after that. I remembered calling her first when I got the bad news about my illness—she was the only person that I wanted to discuss it with. As I sobbed, she sobbed—then we both comforted each other in the hopelessness that outstretched in front of us. I recalled our mad night out in Spain—Daphne was the only one who could instantly tell when things were becoming too difficult for me. She could just sense when the exhaustion or the nausea, or even the pain, was becoming too intense for me to really enjoy myself. Then she had this subtle way of getting everyone to do something else, giving me the necessary time to rest.
No one else might have spotted what she was doing, but I did.
Friends like that just didn’t come around every day. If I focused on that, rather than what came later, I could see it all with a clearer head. It was time to accept that she wouldn’t have started things up with Bradley if she didn’t really love him. She wouldn’t have even asked for my permission, if it hadn’t been massively important to her. I shouldn’t let that—let some guy—come between us. That should never have happened.
I opened up the screen to reply, with a newfound need coursing through my veins. I hoped that we could at least rebuild, if we couldn’t get things back to how they were. I didn’t think I could go through another whole day without reaching out to the girl who had always been my friend.
‘Hi Daphne,
How are you? I’m so sorry that I haven’t been in touch for a while, I’ve just been so busy…’
Nope, delete that. There was no point in spinning that lie, she would see right through it. She knew me too well for fibs. Plus I’d always thought that being busy was the crappiest excuse ever.
‘I have been struggling through things, but I’m coming out the other side—slowly, but surely. I’m glad things are going well with you…’
I decided not to mention the wedding, or Bradley, just to keep things simple for the time being. We would have to get to that eventually, but that time didn’t have to be now.
‘How are your family? How is work and everything? God, it’s so long since we’ve caught up, I bet you have loads to tell me. What can I tell you about me? Well, to be honest, there isn’t that much. I work in a diner—boring as hell—and until a few days ago, that was all I did. I told you, it’s been a bit crap…’
I started to feel a little lighter as I wrote my entire experience down honestly, knowing that Daphne was going to read it. It felt like a weight was lifting, little by little.
This was good, and it could only lead to positive things, I was sure of it.
It looked like I was really going to live after all…
THIRTEEN
“I don’t know, Kim!” I cried into my phone, laughing, trying to sound far more confident than I really felt. I couldn’t believe how far my life had come in just a few short weeks—if I really thought about it, it was incredible. Not so long ago, I was miserable, dejected, desperately unhappy. I had no one, sought no friendship, didn’t care about anything at all. Now, I was on my way to a date with a gorgeous guy, and discussing it on the phone with my friend.
A friend, a real life friend! It was almost unbelievable.
I hadn’t heard anything from Amy in a few days. I messaged her to say good luck with her new job, and she said thanks, but that was about it. I didn’t mind though. If she couldn’t handle all the weirdness surrounding me, that was fine. At least I’d tried. I did genuinely understand anyway, my situation was very complex and difficult to comprehend for those who had no experience in that area. I had Kimberly anyway—she’d already become like a rock. We talked all the time, and with every conversation we grew increasingly closer. She worked in the marketing department of a very exclusive firm in the city. She had a really stressful, high-up position that she worked extremely hard for, but she still managed to find a lot of time for me. I couldn’t believe that I had her. I was unbelievably lucky—and I had no intention of taking her for granted.
