Living on Borrowed Time, page 4
Maybe I would go as far to send some replies!
Much to my surprise, there was something new in there. An email that had been sent a little over a month ago.
“Hi Lara,
It’s me again. I hope you’re well. I don’t know why I keep emailing you, I’m not even sure if you’re reading these messages! I guess I just want to keep you in the loop. Bradley and I are engaged now…”
“What?” I scraped my chair back, and jumped up in surprise. “Engaged?”
All of a sudden, I totally regretted my decision to do this, to open up this big black hole. I should have known that it would end in despair—it always did. Any happiness that I’d been feeling got sucked back into the vacuum of sadness, as I read and re-read Daphne’s words over and over again.
The Bradley that she was referring to in her email was my boyfriend. Until I got really sick that is. Then I broke it off with him. I didn’t want him to get sucked into all the hospital visits and crappy days I was having. I wanted to save him. I didn’t want him to be stuck as the guy whose girlfriend had died—especially not at such a young age. It was one step too far, a burden I never wanted him to have.
Of course, our relationship had been all very tame, very high school. We barely even kissed—but since it was the only romance I’d ever experienced, it was important to me. That was what made the events that transpired after our melancholy breakup, that much more hurtful.
I hadn’t expected him to hook up with Daphne only a few weeks later, but by that time I was so involved in what was going on with myself, that I didn’t really care. They told me about it—practically asked for my permission—and I told them it was fine. I was in a whirlwind of pills and drips, so it was at the bottom of my priority list. I just wanted everyone else to be happy.
Then, I became the ‘dying girl’, and I was taken on a rollercoaster of distracting fun—which took my mind off of everything. Even if there were pangs of jealousy, I barely had time to experience them. It wasn’t until I ended up in the city, with far too much time on my hands, that I started to feel shitty about it all. That I started to view it as some kind of betrayal.
They’d been together now, for longer than I was with him, but a small part of me still felt like he was ‘mine’. Of course that was stupid. We were a meaningless, short-term, school relationship. They’d properly kissed, undoubtedly slept together, and now they were engaged. They were going to get married. I was nothing more than ancient history, and yet it still stung like hell. I didn’t even want Bradley; not really, it was only bitterness that had me feeling this way.
Just another irrational thought that I couldn’t get rid of, however hard I tried.
But for Daphne to tell me that massive news so casually, as if my feelings on it all wouldn’t matter at all? It was all too much for me to take in. Even reading it for the hundredth time, the pain was still there.
What did she want me to say? Congratulations? I hope you have a happy life together, regardless of how fucking awful things are for me? Well done for being so God damn happy?
Without even thinking, I grabbed my keys and rushed out of the door—desperate to get some fresh air. Frustrated tears pricked my eyes as I pounded down the stairs, and much to my annoyance one even dared to trickle down my cheek. I brushed it away angrily, stomping my feet as I went.
They didn’t deserve my tears, I shouldn’t have been upset over them, so why the hell was I?
I kept my eyes fixed on the ground as I moved, not caring where I was going, just needing to be outside, away from the claustrophobic four walls that I’d been stuck inside for way too long.
SIX
“Urgh!” I woke up, feeling like crap for the second time in a row. At least this time it wasn’t a hangover. It was more to do with the fact that I cried myself to sleep in a pathetic heap at about two a.m.
It wasn’t so much that Bradley and Daphne were together—as much as that did hurt—they were probably way more suited to each other than we ever were. I think it was more the pain that came from the life that I could have had, if none of this had happened. Opening that email had torn open a painful wound in my chest—one that mourned for the life I’d missed out on. Yes, from the illness, but also from my own inability to grasp the second chance that I’d been given. If I really thought about it, it was far from normal; the way that I’d behaved. I was one of the lucky ones. Everyone else had been right about me. I just hadn’t wanted to hear it—any of it.
But how could I change that now? Was it even possible, or was I just too far gone? I was no longer naive enough to believe that one night was enough to transform things. If I really intended to improve my existence, it was going to be a long and challenging journey—one that I needed my eyes wide open for.
Was that something I was willing to do? Or was I too exhausted from living to even bother trying?
Ring, ring…
My phone piped up, shaking me from my thought pattern. The word ‘Mum’ flashed up on the screen, which was really not what I needed, not while I was wallowing so deep in self-pity. I wasn’t sure how I was going to keep up the upbeat act, when I was feeling more dreadful than normal. It wasn’t easy on the best of days!
I sighed deeply, trying to mentally prepare myself, before answering. “Hello?” I croaked, sounding about as dreadful as I felt.
“Hi Lara, how are you?” My mum’s voice was warm and comforting, just like normal. It was familiar, but not as reassuring as I’m certain she wanted it to be. She used this tone to try and invite me in. She was desperate for me to open up to her and tell her the truth about my feelings and my life, it was just so obvious. But I kept on with my little white lies, and she carried on pretending that she believed them. It was just the way we’d become.
I was always close to my mum when I was growing up—or as close as you can be, being the oldest of three children with a dad you don’t know—one that vanished before you were even born. But when I became ill, she changed. She became all efficient, focused only on my treatment and what we could all do to help me. It was kind of a nightmare. She just couldn’t seem to admit that I was dying.
Although, it seems now that she was much smarter than we all thought. Maybe she was the only one that could see that it wasn’t the end for me after all…
All of it took its toll on her marriage to my stepdad. He just couldn’t seem to do anything right by her. The eldest of my stepbrothers, Phil—the youngest is Jack—tried to tell me what was going on, he tried to get me to intervene, but I really was too ill by then. I was spending most of my days with my head over the toilet, bugged out on meds, or sleeping. I was no use to anyone; I didn’t feel like I could do anything to help anyone else. Phil did his best, but he was so young—it was all too much responsibility for him.
Apparently my stepdad had almost walked out more than once, and that was after I was starting to get better. When I’d become kind of a bitch. I was almost the reason for them breaking up, for which I now felt awful for. They were such a good couple, he really made my mum happy, and I nearly destroyed that for the pair of them, selfishly because I had to live. That was a massive part of the reason why I had to move. When mum sprung it on me, I’d already half made the decision to go anyway. She did it out of desperation, and had clearly felt guilty for it ever since, which was why she wanted some honesty from me, and was also the reason that I never gave it.
“I’m good thanks mum, how are you?” I said, sitting up in my bed, yawning and rubbing my eyes, willing the fog in my brain to disappear.
“Do you have a cold?” She replied tentatively, completely avoiding my question.
“Um, yeah. Maybe.” I couldn’t think of any explanation that was better. I certainly didn’t want to say it was because I was crying until some silly hour in the morning—there was no way that would go down well. “How are Carter and the kids?” Phil and Jack were only twelve and eight-years-old, respectively when I left. They really were great kids, but unfortunately they only really knew me as ‘the sick girl that got all the attention’—at least until I vanished. I highly doubted they missed me. I imagined they were glad that I was gone. Not only could they can now have some focus, the arguments between their parent’s had likely subsided too.
I felt like I didn’t really know them anyway, that I was never properly given the chance. Before I got sick, I was never really interested, and afterwards…well, it was too late then.
“Everyone’s great.” She snapped, hurriedly. She never wanted to talk about them; she always wanted to discuss me and would do anything to turn the conversation back around. I didn’t think she understood how good it would feel for the conversation to be more mutual. Maybe she didn’t realise that I was actually interested in their lives too. Maybe she figured it would be insensitive to tell me how good things were, without me there. I wouldn’t have minded, not one bit. I was perfectly aware that the way things turned out was all my fault. “How’s work? What have you been up to?” Her tone was anxious as she spoke, which for some strange reason really aggravated me.
“I heard about Bradley and Daphne.” I spat out, wanting to shock her. I was tetchy from my lack of sleep and also annoyed that we always had to talk about me. I was also pretty wound up that mum must have known about the engagement, but she never told me. There was no escape from that sort of big news in a tiny town.
“I…um…oh…” She stuttered, unable to find the right words. I sat in silence, gripping the phone tightly between my fingers. I could physically feel myself seething; I could feel the rage bursting through me as she stumbled over silly little filler words. She should have told me, she should have prepared me. It should have been her that I heard it from.
Although, maybe she thought I would never find out. She must have noticed how little I talked to everyone back home, and she also knew that I never visited. Maybe she’d had my best intentions at heart, but had gone about it in the wrong way. I couldn’t blame her for that. After all, I’d made enough mistakes of my own.
As those words flooded through my brain, the hot anger flowing through me subsided. I needed to remember that I’d been so difficult to deal with, and she probably had no idea what to say to me. I had to remember to not always blame the rest of the world for every little thing.
“It’s okay, mum.” I finally gave in, blowing air out of my mouth. “I don’t care.” Of course, I was lying, but she didn’t need to know that. “I’m fine, works okay—as normal. I haven’t been up to much.” I paused. “Well, I went out with some friends the other night…”
“Friends?” Mum leapt on that information excitedly, just as I knew she would. This was the first time I’d ever mentioned anything to do with socialising since I’d moved, so it was bound to pique her interest. “Who are these friends?”
“Um, Amy from work, Kimberly, Kai…a few others.” It suddenly hit me that I should probably play it down a bit, in case none of them ever wanted to see me again, but it was too late for that. Mum had smelled a story and she was all over it.
“Yeah? Tell me all about them.” I could hear the nervy, happiness in her voice and I couldn’t help but smile. I was glad that I’d finally said something to make her feel good for the first time in forever. I would just have to hope and pray that it didn’t all go to hell, that I didn’t jinx it by speaking about them.
“I dunno mum, they’re great. Real fun.” I started to ramble, wanting desperately to change the subject. One night out didn’t warrant enough information to keep my mum satisfied. I didn’t even really know if I was in the position to call them friends—it was only a few drinks, after all.
“Okay darling.” Mum paused, probably sensing the uncertainty in my voice. “Do you think you might come and visit soon?” She asked this every time we spoke, and it always brought our chats to a rapid close.
“I don’t know mum, it’s just….awkward. And I’m so busy with work…” I trailed off, unable to even finish my pathetic excuse.
“Well, why don’t I come and see you?” She jumped in, for the first time suggesting that she should come here. Oh God, how was I going to get out of this? The thought of mum seeing the pathetic life that I was leading would send her panic into overdrive. She’d never, ever leave. It would be a nightmare.
“Um, no I don’t…” My brain shut off, offering me no good answers this time.
“Okay, sure.” She interrupted quickly, sounding sad. Fortunately, she gave the subject up instantly, seemingly knowing that she’d pushed me too far. I didn’t think she wanted to pile any pressure on me. I sensed that she understood why I was avoiding everyone in the way that I was.
At least, I hoped she did…
I felt bad about our conversation, long after we’d hung up the phone.
SEVEN
I sat in a coffee shop with Kimberly and Amy, flicking my eyes between them both nervously. They were both happily sitting, comfortably sipping their drinks in turn, neither of them finding anything odd about this situation. To me, it was completely and utterly bizarre. I’d never done this, even before. Sitting here, drinking hot drinks with friends—it was just mad. It wasn’t the sort of things school kids did, and then I was too sick to even consider it.
I had far too much adrenaline coursing through my body—I almost couldn’t control it! I was desperately trying to keep myself under control, but I was really struggling to appear normal.
“So, do you think you’re going to get it?” Kimberly spoke excitedly.
Amy had just revealed to us that she’d been working really hard in secret, going to night school in between shifts and studying her ass off, to finally achieve her dream. Apparently she’d wanted to be a hairdresser forever, but she hadn’t enjoyed school, so she didn’t want to go on to do further education immediately afterwards. That was why she took the job in the diner, and stuck at it for…well, way too long. And now, it was happening for her, for real. Now she was actually close to getting exactly what she wanted.
I felt a little lost at her big revelation. I didn’t know how to take it. I didn’t want to be stuck at the diner, all by myself. Now that I had Amy, I didn’t want to lose her. Of course, I wanted her to get the life that she deserved, the one that she’d worked for. I just didn’t want to be left behind.
I felt bad at my previous assumption that she was just a loser, like me. It seemed that I was by myself with that one! Oh God, why didn’t I have dreams? Why was there nothing that I wanted to achieve? That I desired to get from life? I wouldn’t know where to begin, even if I did have something that I wanted out of life.
“Yeah, it’s looking really good! The manager has been emailing me all of the health and safety regulations, that sort of thing.” Amy grinned, brighter than I’d ever seen her smile before. “I just can’t wait to get started, you know?”
“I’m so proud of you!” Kimberly pulled her in for a hug.
“Me too.” I said, through gritted teeth and a fake smile. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel happy for Amy, of course I did! I was just so sad for myself. I was selfishly wishing that she didn’t have to go anywhere. I’d only just brought her into my life, I’d just let her in, and now she was leaving. I hugged her too, trying not to let the bitterness show.
“I’m really looking forward to it now; it’s going to be amazing!” She was so, so happy. It almost brought a tear to my eye. I was so conflicted with my emotions; it was like a horrible, nauseating rollercoaster.
The other two talked for a while, and I slowly, quietly sipped my drink. I tried to organise my thoughts, keep my feelings in check. The last thing I wanted to do was show these girls my selfish side. They’d invited me here, they’d brought me into their social circle, and I could not afford to blow it. I certainly didn’t want to lose either of them totally.
“So, Lara.” Suddenly the conversation swing around to me. I didn’t quite know how that happened, I really should have been listening. “Tell us a bit more about yourself, I still don’t really know anything about you.”
Kimberly smiled, inviting me in, wanting me desperately to be her friend. I froze. I wanted that too, I wanted to be their friend so damn badly. And for real—not just to tell my mum—but it didn’t feel as simple as that. Maybe I should just open up and tell them, maybe it was time. Maybe it was time to unburden myself, just a little. It might help them understand me better and take our friendship to another level. Maybe, for the first time in a long time, I wanted that. I needed that.
I opened my mouth, and the words just started to spill out. “Um, well I moved here from Newmount, a small down a few miles from here—well a little more than a few miles, actually. I wanted to move to the city, after I had a bit of…a rough time.” I chose my words carefully; I spoke in a considered manner. I was afraid, desperate to find the right way to make this come out in the best way possible.
The girls exchanged a look. Obviously they’d been discussing me and they knew that something was up.
Kimberly rested her hands over mine, looking kindly at me. “Trust me; we’ve been through shitty times too!” I could tell by her words that she thought that it was all about a bad relationship, a horrible ex, something along those lines. I could just see it in her eyes. I also thought I might have accidently given them that impression when we were drunk.
Oh God, they really have no idea.
“Um, no it’s…it’s a bit weird.” I stuttered, feeling myself growing cold and pale. I didn’t plan on saying any of this now, I’d rather it come out when I’d had time to rehearse it in front of the mirror, to chose my words more exactly. But I might not get another chance.
“It’s okay.” They both instinctively moved in closer to me. “You can tell us anything, we’re your friends now.”
