Living on Borrowed Time, page 10
“Kim…Kimberly?” I hiccupped, holding onto my head, wondering if I could somehow make myself sound sober. I really wanted to talk to my friend, mostly to see if she still wanted to speak with me too.
“Lara?” She replied sharply. “What the hell is going on?”
“Huh?” I honestly had no idea what she was on about. I tried to recall any missed meetings or commitments that I’d failed to show up for, but I was drawing a blank.
“Amy rang me—apparently your boss is freaking out because you haven’t been going into work. He asked her to cover for you, which of course she can’t.” She turned her tone a little kinder, before speaking out once more. “What’s going on, you can talk to me you know?”
And I knew that she really believed that. She didn’t understand that I couldn’t, that I didn’t even know where to start, that all of this was even worse than my last revelation. The tears streamed violently down my cheeks, choking me up, preventing me from speaking coherently.
“Yeah, I…” But I couldn’t even finish the sentence. I couldn’t get any of the words that I needed to, out, I was far too choked up.
“Do you need me to come over? Is there anything I can do?” She wanted to help me, and I couldn’t stand that. I needed to push her away before I dragged her down with me. I was no good, and she needed to understand that. I’d made my mess myself, and I needed to let her go before my stupid actions affected her too. I’d spent too much of my life being a burden on everyone else, I wouldn’t go there again.
“No.” I replied sharply. “I don’t need any help. I’m fine.”
“Are you drunk?” She asked wearily, pissing me off even more.
“No I…” But I couldn’t finish that sentence, because I really didn’t have any excuse. I was acting like a total twat and there was nothing I could say to change that.
“Look, Lara.” Kimberly jumped in. “I want to help you, I want to be your friend I really do, but you’re making that really difficult for me. I don’t know what you want. Do you want me to disappear? Do you want to be alone?”
Those words again. I was making it difficult. Charlie had said it, and now Kimberly was too. I made myself completely inaccessible, totally unlikeable. Was that what I’d been trying to achieve all along? Did I simply want to prove to myself that my life really was pointless? That I should have died?
“No.” I gasped, realising that I really didn’t want to be by myself any longer. “I just…I need to sort myself out. I’m a mess.” As I thought about my situation, it felt hopeless, but Kimberly’s words made sure that I wasn’t quite ready to fully give up.
Not just yet.
“Okay.” She replied. “I’m on my way.”
As soon as I hung up the phone, I raced into the bathroom, to pour cold water over my face to try and sober myself up. Kimberly hadn’t seen the state I’d become, and I felt embarrassed about it. Funny how humiliation hadn’t affected me wondering around the streets like this where anyone and everyone could see me, but the thought of someone I knew seeing me like this, filled me with dread.
Maybe I should have told her not to come. Maybe this was a terrible idea. Maybe I should call her, to tell her to stay away…
Tick, tick, tick.
I could hear the clock ticking nosily next to me, and I found myself growing increasingly irritated by the noise. It wasn’t something that I’d ever noticed before, but now the thought was there, I couldn’t focus on anything else. I even threw my hands up over my ears, trying to block the sound out, but it was too loud, too intense to ignore. It felt like it was coming from inside my own head, like a headache that I couldn’t dull.
It was driving me mad, and I knew there was only one way I could numb it, but I couldn’t do that right now. Not with Kimberly coming over. I was already a fucking mess. I couldn’t make that any worse.
Although, one drink couldn’t make too much of a difference, could it?
Knock, knock.
By the time I heard my friend hammering on the door, I was even drunker than I’d been when I’d spoken to her on the phone. Somehow I’d managed to drink the entire bottle of wine yet again—all to shut that damn clock up.
“Oh shit.” I muttered, as I staggered over to let her in. As I swung the door open, I immediately spotted the clear disapproval plastered across her face, despite my foggy state. She was looking at me with such a disappointment that I almost wanted to cry. My body warmed in shame under her scrutinizing gaze, and I cursed myself for being so weak, for not being able to wait. I could have drunk that booze once she was gone, why did I feel the need to do it right away? Why was I so fucking pathetic?
Always so pathetic.
“Can I come in?” Kimberly asked, frustration dripping off of her tongue.
“Yeah…of course.” I fixed my eyes on my feet, stepping backwards. As she scooted past me, I finally wondered why I hadn’t spent the time waiting getting my appearance looking more presentable. My feet were dirty, which sure as hell suggested that the rest of me was a state! I dreaded to even think about what my hair and face was like. I should have taken a shower, and got myself in order. What the hell had I been thinking opening that bottle?
“So,” she started, sitting among the rubbish that was littering my sofa. When the hell had I become such a pig? I’d never particularly cared about keeping the place immaculate, but this was on another level entirely. And why was I only noticing it now?
I felt utterly ashamed of what I’d become.
“Do you want to tell me what the hell is going on with you?”
As soon as those words left her mouth, tears sprung to my eyes and I felt myself crumble. I felt like I’d been trying to keep myself upright for far too long, and now my foundations were falling away underneath me.
It took my breath away.
“Just…just sit down.” Kimberly raced to my side, and held me up. “I’ll get you some water.”
I lost what was happening. My head went dizzy with it all, and I could barely see at all. I could feel my friends’ hands on my body, and I could feel the cool liquid trickling down my throat, but everything else was woozy, blurred.
I gasped, beginning to panic that I’d really done myself some damage, that I’d gone and made myself ill all over again, but just as my chest started to get tight, everything began to clear and I felt myself connecting a little to my surroundings once more.
At first, all I could hear was an odd mumbling sound, but after a while it became clear that Kimberly was trying to talk to me. I stared up at her, trying to read her lips, but my brain wasn’t fully switched on yet.
“…are you feeling okay? Do you need someone?”
Finally I caught something, and I shook my head emphatically. Help meant hospital treatment and I didn’t want that. I couldn’t deal with heading there again, that might just finish me off.
“Just drink this.” She forced some more of the ice cold water down me, and as it raced around my body, my pulse rate started to calm itself down.
“Thank you.” I gasped, feeling overwhelmed that she cared for me so much. “Thank you for…for helping…”
“It’s okay Lara.” Kimberly replied. “I just…I want you to be okay, that’s all.”
“I know.” I nodded slowly, wishing that for myself too. “It’s just…” But I couldn’t finish my sentence. I didn’t even know how, where I would begin.
“Come on,” she held my hand and smiled warmly at me, inviting me in once more. “You can tell me anything. Whatever it is, I’m here for you. I won’t judge you, or have a go at you, or…whatever it is that you’re worrying about. I just…I want to help.”
“Yeah I know.” I admitted. I really felt like she would be able to help, but it wasn’t that holding me back. It wasn’t fear that she’d desert me, because I’d probably be alright even if she did. I’d been alone before, it was likely that I could do it again—even if it would be harder this time around. “I don’t know where to begin.”
She looked at me thoughtfully for a few moments, as if she was trying to figure something out, before speaking once more. “Charlie.” That name sent daggers through my heart, which was probably written all over my face. I definitely didn’t have enough self-control for poker face at that moment. “I feel like all of this began with him. Before your date, you were happy.”
Happy.
I remembered that brief moment when I’d actually felt good about my life, when I’d been convinced that all was looking up. How naive I’d been to think it would be that simple. How could I actually have thought that I would be so lucky? Good stuff like that just didn’t happen for me.
This time as the emotion engulfed me, it didn’t bring on tears. Instead it brought back the numbness that I’d been wearing as armour for a very long time. My insides emptied and I became a shell of myself. Maybe this was my minds way of protecting me when I really couldn’t cope with things.
“Yeah, that is when things started to go a bit…you know, shit.” I smiled weakly at her as the truth started to make its way out. “He wanted me to tell him all about myself, and I told him to back off.” I balked at my own words. Hearing them spoken aloud made me realise what an idiot I’d been, and how rude too. No wonder he’d freaked out and left me, especially when he’d been so honest about his own past.
“Well, I can see why…” Kimberly tried to be diplomatic, but she didn’t need to be nice about it. I’d clearly been in the wrong.
“But since he doesn’t know anything about me, he can’t get why I overreacted.” I slumped my head into my hands, realising how totally and utterly screwed I was with that one. There was no coming back from what I’d done, I was sure of it. The more I thought about his gorgeous face, his lovely personality, and those amazing eyes, the worse that hurt. “He can’t understand that it’s harder for me, and after what happened with…” I went to say Amy, but stopped myself just in time. I couldn’t say anything about that awkwardness—Kimberly was in the middle enough as it was, without me making it all worse! “I just couldn’t. I overreacted, and totally blew it.” I sighed deeply, making eye contact with my friend once more deciding that I might as well be totally honest now. “That, combined with sleeping with him on the very first night we met, doesn’t make for a particularly good first impression.”
“What?” She slapped her palm across her mouth in shock. “But I thought you were…that you hadn’t…”
“You’re right.” I confirmed. “It was my first time—not that he knew that either.”
“Wow, I…I don’t…”
“Urgh,” I suddenly remembered something else that I’d done. “Then I basically called him a man-whore. It’s all just…it’s hopeless.”
“You really like him, don’t you?” Kimberly asked softly, holding my hands in hers. Of course she was right, I knew that much, but I was also perfectly aware that it made no difference. I’d completely and utterly made a total mess of things, and I couldn’t see any solution.
I also couldn’t see myself feeling so deeply for anyone else either.
I nodded, wishing that I could attempt a smile, to reassure her that I was alright.
“Well, maybe you can…” She started, but I forced myself to interrupt. I couldn’t stand a speech about trying again and making things better. That was so far out of my grasp that it was impossible.
“I can’t talk to him again. Not like this.” I indicated around my home, hoping that she’d get the message—that I was as much of a state as this place. “I slept with someone else too.” I didn’t want to confess this; I just wanted her to understand how deep this all ran, how utterly hopeless it was.
She looked blown away by all of this. The girl she’d met only a few weeks prior was shy, introverted, a friendless virgin. This version of me was completely unrecognisable to her. I was to me too, but I was used to that. I hadn’t known myself for a very long time.
“Who?” She practically whispered, as if the answer terrified her.
“I don’t know.” I turned my expression hard, waiting for the inevitable rejection.
“When?”
“The night I had the date. It was after Charlie stormed out.” I really did hate myself for this, but there was something a little liberating about getting it off my chest too. I was finding it surprisingly freeing to share just a tiny piece of the weight that was pressing down on me, threatening to drown me at any moment. “I got wasted, and…well, you know. Then I’ve pretty much been fucking everything up ever since.”
“But why?” I’d lost her. She really didn’t understand why my descent had been so rapid. Of course she didn’t, even I could see that it wasn’t normal. People didn’t just go from nought to one hundred in a few seconds; they fell slowly with everyone witnessing the downfall.
“I honestly don’t know.” I told her. “I just can’t…seem to stop. And I don’t know why.”
“Okay,” she announced firmly, having made a decision. “We’re going to fix you up, see what we can do…”
“Erm, no.” I immediately began shaking my head. I didn’t mind baring my soul a little to Kimberly, but I definitely wasn’t ready to fix things, and I really didn’t want her to get involved. Something about having someone else trying to sort me out, filled me with an overpowering sense of horror.
No, I needed to do this alone, on my terms, when I was in the right frame of mind.
And I would be. I would get there; it just might take a little time.
“What do you mean?” Kimberly was hurt now, it was written all over her face. I was torn—half of me wanted to grip tightly onto her, to never let her leave, and the other half wanted to roll my eyes nastily and get rid of her. I wanted to push her away before she could reject me.
But I did neither. I just sat there with a dumb look on my face.
“Lara,” She pleaded. “Please don’t do this. Please let me in.”
I couldn’t take it anymore, I was too confused and it was really hurting my brain. The alcohol was still swilling violently around inside me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do anything rational until it was gone.
But I didn’t want it to be gone.
“I’m going out. I need a drink.” I announced, no longer caring how I sounded.
I stood up decisively, feeling a smile spread across my cheeks, and I walked outside, grabbing my purse as I went, not even looking behind me to see if she was following…
This was the only path for me now, and seeing Kimberly had only confirmed that for me.
EIGHTEEN
Another guy—a stranger—had his arms wrapped around me, making me feel special, even if it was only heading one way. I knew he only wanted one thing from me, and I didn’t even care. That was all I wanted too—a connection, a moment of human interaction that was solely about him and me. It had made me feel good before, and I was sure it could do so again.
“I like you, Laura.” He drooled over my shoulder. I didn’t bother to correct him, there was no need. I had no intention of seeing him again after tonight so who cared what he called me?
“Lara!” A shrill voice rang out from behind me, spiking fear into my heart. “What are you doing? Where are you going?”
Oh yeah, I was out with Kimberly. I’d forgotten all about that. She had joined me for a drink to make me feel better, although I was certain it was just because I’d headed to the bar and she wanted to keep an eye on me. For some reason, she was still determined to help me, even though it was completely obviously an impossible task.
“Fuck off.” She shrieked at the man. “Leave her alone, she’s going nowhere with you.”
She grabbed my hand and yanked me towards her, causing me to almost fall at her feet. I was so unsteady…when had that happened?
“Bitch.” I heard the guy mumble as he shuffled off. I didn’t even care that he was gone. In fact, I found myself kinda glad. He was gross. Not at all the sort of guy who would help me feel better about myself at all—not even beer goggles would have made it fun. I wasn’t sure what I’d been thinking with that one.
Or not thinking, more to the point…
“Why the fuck do you keep doing this?” Kimberly yelled into my drunk, stupid face as we made it outside into the cool, fresh air. “Why are you wasting away your life with alcohol and lowlifes like that?”
I opened my mouth to speak, but quickly shut it again, knowing that there was really no point in saying anything right now. She didn’t understand that I was a lowlife too. That this life was all I deserved. I’d been given a second chance and I’d thrown it away, so I couldn’t ask for anything better.
“Why don’t you seem to want more? Why won’t you let me help you?” She practically begged me to see what she was saying, but I couldn’t.
I shrugged in a blasé manner, unsure of why I was being such a bitch.
“Lara, you have so much to offer, why are you throwing it away, why are you tossing your life to one side?” She was pleading with me, begging me to give her answers. “Don’t you want more for yourself?”
“I don’t know who I am anymore!” I finally screamed as a reply, emotion bursting out of me. Standing in public, drunk as all hell, with the rain trickling down my face, it felt like I couldn’t contain it anymore, that if I left it inside for even a second longer I might just explode. “I don’t know what happened to me. I don’t know how to get out of this.”
I started to sob uncontrollably, causing my makeup to wash over my face even more—probably adding to the insane look I was undoubtedly wearing.
“I’ve not known who I am for a very long time, and the more I try to push myself forward, to make something of my life, the further backwards I fall.” I sighed deeply, feeling like a deflated balloon. “It’s too exhausting. I can’t keep fighting, this feels easier.”
She looked at me, sympathy filling her entire being. She wanted to understand, I could see it in her eyes, but she just couldn’t. She thought the same thing as everyone else—that I should be making the most of my life, doing something positive with my second chance. She couldn’t understand why I wasn’t living life to the fullest, enjoying every moment. She knew that I should be doing more than living in a shitty apartment, working a dead end job and fucking any guy that looked at me.
