Living on Borrowed Time, page 6
“Shall we get going?” He finally asked, waving his hand dismissively towards the house that we’d just gotten away from. “That party seemed to be getting a bit much anyway. Soon it’ll be out of hand. I imagine someone will call the cops eventually.” I noticed him tapping his hand against his leg, almost as if he was feeling the tension as much as I was.
I nodded, unable to believe my luck. I didn’t know if I was reading too much into it, but it seemed like Charlie might actually like me. That may not make any sense—after all, I couldn’t think what he would see in me—but the evidence suggested as much. He seemed to want to spend time with me, to walk me home, and he was acting a little uneasy around me—almost as if he wanted me to like him too. My heart pounded painfully against my chest at the prospect of someone this gorgeous actually having an interest in me, and it took all that I had not to allow my overactive imagination to start predicting the worst when he found out the truth about me. Chances were it would never get that far anyway, so I really didn’t need to be worrying about it.
I fired off a quick text to Kimberly, telling her that I was heading home, hoping that she would understand my quick departure. I did feel a little guilty about leaving, but I couldn’t imagine that I would be able to find her now, and at least I was safe in the knowledge that she wasn’t by herself, and that Nick would look after her. They would probably be grateful for more time alone anyway.
“So, where do you live?” Charlie asked, slipping his hand into mine. I grasped it gratefully, glad for the connection and pointed him in the right direction. As we moved, it was like I was walking on air, I felt drunk, even though I didn’t really drink anything. It was a magical sensation that I wanted to hold on to forever. “Okay, let’s get going. I’ll get you home.”
Much as the odds were stacked against me being able to think of anything to say, the conversation was actually flowing naturally between us. Charlie had this really upbeat aura about him that I was drawn to in many ways. He just seemed so laid-back, as if nothing would ever bother him. Almost the polar opposite of me, in fact. I couldn’t believe how attracted to this quality I was. It made him even more attractive in my eyes. In fact, the more he spoke, and the more I got to know about him, the more convinced I became that he was the best guy I’d ever had the pleasure of spending any time with.
As we went, I could feel his thumb occasionally rubbing my hand, sending shoots of pleasure through my whole body. My heart was pounding, my palms were tingling—every single one of my nerves was on fire, it was crazy and I loved every second of it. He was making me feel more alive than I had in a very long time, and I wanted to grasp onto that feeling, to keep it with me forever. If I always felt like this, then the future would be easy for me!
“So, have you always lived in the city?” Charlie asked, innocently enough. Of course, he had no idea how loaded that question was, and what it may lead to.
“I…erm, no.” I replied, quietly, desperately wondering how quickly I could deflect the conversation back onto him. “No, I moved here about a year and a half ago.”
This was it; this was where he asked me all of the awkward questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer. After Amy’s reaction, I was definitely not ready to dredge it all up again. Especially not with someone who was virtually a stranger—someone I actually wanted to like me.
“Yeah? You like it here?” Thankfully, he focused on the here and now rather than digging backwards.
“I—” I paused for a second. Up until a few days ago, the answer would have been a resounding ‘no’. Sure, I probably would have lied and shrugged, or said something along the lines of ‘it’s okay, I guess’. Now, I wasn’t entirely sure what my answer was. It was certainly further along the positive lines though. “Yeah, yeah. It’s…different. Great though!” I smiled inanely, opting for the simple answer. He didn’t need me to delve deep into my psyche right now; it was very likely that he was just being polite.
Luckily, he breezed right past this, and onto the next subject, allowing me to relax around him once more…
TEN
As we reached my door, I started to recognise a new need building up inside me, more powerfully than ever before. A lust like I’d never experienced. All the signs had been there since I very first connected with Charlie; I just hadn’t paid any attention to them. The tingles, the butterflies, the heat between my legs. I wanted this guy. It might not have made any sense, it might not have even been the smart thing to do, but it was there all the same.
I gulped down my fear at this realisation—what the hell was I supposed to do about an uncontrollable desire for this guy that I didn’t even know? I knew what I wanted to do, but that really didn’t seem like the wise choice. I’d been making some bold steps recently, ones way outside my comfort zone, ones that were leading me towards finding out who I was, and I wasn’t sure if this would be another one, or ten steps backwards instead.
Charlie must have noticed my silence as we stopped outside my home, because he suddenly stopped talking too. He stood in front of me, gazing deeply into my eyes, with an unreadable expression on his face. I felt an intense blush fill my cheeks, and a desire to look away before it got too embarrassing, but I couldn’t. Even if I was utterly desperate to tear myself away from him, I had no chance in hell. I felt like as soon as I did, as soon as I broke the moment, the magic would be over and I wasn’t quite ready for it to end just yet. I’d just had the best—and admittedly worst—night of my entire life, and the thought of it finishing was overwhelming.
I kept thinking that I should say something, but the words never came. My brain had seemingly switched off, but my body was still on fire—it was on top form, swirling with all kinds of insane sensations and emotions. Charlie was sending pricks of desire tingling all over me, and I felt like these pricks were whispering naughty things into my ear, encouraging me to do what I knew I wanted to, but that I also knew was probably wrong.
I felt myself being urged decidedly closer, and soon I couldn’t ignore what my body wanted anymore. It seemed like Charlie was as hungry for me as I was him, because as soon I shuffled slightly, and leant in towards him, his lips met mine in a collision that lit my entire body into flames. Any passion that I’d been experiencing increased tenfold as he wrapped me up into his arms, moving his lips against mine, claiming me as his own. All the nerves, the terrified thoughts, simply vanished as he pressed his body up against mine, allowing me to get a better feel of his body. I almost lost myself totally right there and then.
I had no idea if I was supposed to be kissing someone so wildly that I’d just met, but surrounded by this haze of lust, I really didn’t care. I was barely thinking straight, never mind worrying—which was a first for me! I’d spent so long locked inside my own world of terror, that to finally free myself of that felt amazing.
As we kissed, and his tongue slipped inside my mouth, I tried to take stock, to think about the right thing to do, just for a second. I just needed to think straight for a moment, I didn’t want this to be something I ended up regretting. I wasn’t the sort of girl to have sex with someone I barely knew…was I? Of course, I didn’t know enough about myself to really answer that question. All I knew for sure, was this was something I wanted a whole lot. However, I also wanted Charlie to like me, and this didn’t quite feel like the way to achieve that.
Then again, who was I to judge what Charlie would like? I was only basing my judgements on what I’d heard from others about the way to land a guy, and it wasn’t like he was playing hard to get either. In fact, he was encouraging me to push further, to take this to another level.
Then his fingers slipped up the inside of my thigh and any thoughts about what I should do flew right out the window.
We burst through the door to my pokey flat, still furiously kissing. My handbag dropped from my shoulder and hit the ground with a thud, as we collapsed on my sofa, limbs wrapped around each other, as if we couldn’t bear to be separated—even for a second. I allowed my clothes to fall from my body, barely opening my eyes as they did. I didn’t want to properly see my surrounding, my familiar house. I was afraid that if I did, reality would hit and although I was sure that was probably the best thing for me, I was enjoying the moment too much for it to end in that way.
Much as I was afraid about what was to come, I didn’t want this time to be ruined either.
“Are you…?” Charlie panted, breathlessly and I instantly nodded, pulling him back to me. I didn’t want him to ask if I was okay, or if this was what I wanted. I didn’t want to take the time to really think about this. I just wanted to act on impulse. I didn’t want to allow myself the chance to talk myself out of something that was currently making me feel amazing. I already knew that I was acting insane; I didn’t need to be reminded of that.
This was the first time in…probably forever, that I’d allowed my body to do the thinking for me, and the decisions it was making were wonderful. I wasn’t even considering the consequences of what was happening, in this moment I didn’t even care.
His chest was warm against my naked skin, and it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. An involuntary moan escaped my lips as his kisses started to trace down my throat and his fingers ran across the bottom of my back. Everything he was doing felt perfect—it was almost as if he did this sort of thing all the time.
All the time.
That thought should have repulsed me, or at least put me off a little—especially as I was so sexually inexperienced myself, but for some reason it turned me on even more and the passion inside overtook everything else.
He pulled back quickly, tugging a condom from his pocket, looking a little awkward as he did. While he fumbled, I kept my eyes solely on his chest, on his abs, all over his body. I just wanted to lose myself in him, in everything he had to offer me. I hadn’t ever been in this position before, and I needed to savour every single second of it.
I hated this essential moment for forcing us to take a breather, but as my head cleared I realised that I still wanted him badly. I thought that taking stock would put me off, that it would freak me out, but it seemed that I was wrong. My desire for Charlie hadn’t dulled even slightly.
This was the right move for me, I just knew it.
And then I felt him slip inside me and I couldn’t help but gasp wildly. I couldn’t believe that I was giving my virginity away so readily, but something about this moment just felt right. I knew it was all happening quickly, but if I’d let him go slow, I would have stopped him a million times over. This was something that I should have done in a hurry before I died anyway. It did always haunt me a little that I was prepared to die, having never experienced sex…
Now it was too late. He was inside of me and it felt too damn good to stop.
“Oh God.” I panted as I felt an odd warm pressure build inside me.
Is that normal? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to speak and ruin the moment. I also didn’t want to put him off by explaining that this was my first time. I didn’t think that any guy would ever want to be with a virgin. I couldn’t picture anything more embarrassing than having to explain why I’d managed to get to such a grand old age without having sex. There was no way that conversation could go well.
I felt even more connected to Charlie as our bodies moved in unison. I might have only met him a short time ago, but I already felt closer to him than did anyone else—even the people I’d known my entire life. There was just something about this connection that was more intense than anything I’d ever been through before. I knew that my emotions were getting the better of me, and that feelings were growing, but that didn’t diminish my enjoyment. In fact, if anything it made everything feel a million times better.
I liked Charlie, a whole lot.
The pressure built up inside of me until I almost couldn’t take it anymore, until I almost told him to stop. Then it crashed in waves of pleasure over me, sending me flying on cloud nine. I felt my nails dig into his back, I heard myself scream, but I didn’t even care. This was too good for me to even feel self conscious.
As the bliss began to subside, and Charlie’s breathing began to slow down too, I found myself nervously laughing at the situation. I wasn’t feeling awkward or even particularly self-conscious; I just didn’t quite know what to do with myself. I’d never been in this position before, and I had no idea how I was supposed to behave.
“Shall we go to bed?” Charlie asked, taking control of the situation, for which I was extremely grateful. I was also very glad that he wasn’t racing out the door. I wanted him to stay, to cuddle into me desperately, so I nodded and took his hand lightly in mine, leading him down the hallway to my bedroom—a room that no one else had ever been in before. It was usually just me and that damn crack in my ceiling, but I was happy for Charlie to be the first one in there.
I didn’t even bother to put any clothes on, I allowed him to simply see me as I was as we walked. I wasn’t even thinking about the humiliation of my shitty home, I was just glad to have him there.
As we climbed beneath the sheets, and he wrapped his arms around me, I lay my head on his chest listening to his heart beat. I decided to stay awake, to listen to the soothing sound, and to drink up the endless warmth until I found myself alone in this bed once more, but unfortunately exhaustion got its grip on me and I soon found myself succumbing to the darkness.
ELEVEN
I slept sounder than I expected to, considering there was a stranger in my bed. In fact, I slept so deeply that I didn’t wake up until the sunlight started to shine through my window. That didn’t usually happen because of my blackout curtains, but I was so consumed by Charlie last night that I didn’t even consider closing them, so the brightness of my room was unnerving for the first few moments.
Before my brain could switch on and begin to panic, I turned my very naked body towards the man lying next to me, and drank in his appearance. I just wanted a second to really see him before this all got a little too real—which I was certain that it was going to.
Charlie.
I still couldn’t believe that even happened, I couldn’t believe that I’d had sex. If he hadn’t stayed the night, if he had scurried home right away afterwards, I would have been tempted to believe that I imagined the entire thing. Me—Lara Rogers—the person who was too shut off to even speak to anyone not that long ago had slept with a very gorgeous guy. And more than that, it was actually amazing. It hadn’t been as awful as I’d imagined it would be when I was younger, I’d really enjoyed it. Maybe even enough to do it again…
Although the prospect of him seeing so much of me, of being so vulnerable in the cold light of day did fill me with a cold sensation of dread. Last night it had been spontaneous, an exciting spur-of-the-moment thing. Planning a repeat was a little too much for me.
I listened to him lightly snoring, clearly comfortable in the bed of someone he didn’t know very well. Again, the thought went through me that he must have been quite experienced at the one night stand to be as calm as he was.
Yep, there it was.
The repulsion that I should have felt last night had finally arrived. It hit me hard that I’d just willingly given my virginity to someone I didn’t know at all, someone that probably slept with anyone and everyone, and that I was just another conquest to. All because he’d been kind to me. That was so unlike anything I’d ever done before, and I was beginning to regret it. What had felt like a little bit of fun, started to become an intense moment of idiocy in my mind.
What sort of girl got naked with someone she’d only just learnt the name of? What did that say about me? Was that really the sort of person that I wanted to be?
I slid carefully out of the bed and raced into the bathroom, trying desperately to tiptoe. I didn’t want the first thing him to wake up to, to be my naked, flawed body. In the heat of passion, with the dark covering us both, I didn’t mind. I didn’t even think about it. Now, it was all that I could focus on. Plus with my mind such a mess, there was no way I’d be able to form a decent conversation with him. Facing him now was going to be embarrassing enough, without me being a stuttering fool to add to that.
I stared at my tired, haggard reflection in disgust. My hair was all shaggy, tousled and messy—but actually it didn’t look as bad as it felt—and the rest of me just looked worn out. And a little stressed. I scrubbed my teeth ferociously, washing my face at the same time, trying to make myself look as presentable as possible. At least if I looked like a human being, I would be one step closer to seeming normal. That left me with the awful task of trying to find something to wear. I couldn’t go back in my bedroom naked; there was no way that I would be able to get away with that twice, I could just guarantee that I’d get caught. But in the bathroom, there were only my pre-worn pyjamas from the night before last. Not a sexy look, but then again, it wasn’t like I had a lot of choice.
I sighed deeply, shoving them on, spraying myself with perfume as I did. I hated that I was so disorganised, that I didn’t have a collection of clothes waiting for me in here, but then again I hadn’t exactly been expecting to need them.
Oh God, oh God, oh God.
Now I had to go back in there.
I sucked in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself down before I went back out there. I just had no idea what was to be expected of me next. What was the protocol in this sort of situation? Should I hide away until he leaves? Or will he be expecting more of a…sexy welcome. That sent a shiver down my spine—there was no way I felt ready for that.
Even less so since I’d locked myself away in the bathroom, tying myself up in knots of worry.
Would it be more normal to make some coffee and offer that to him? I wasn’t sure, and that was causing me all kinds of anxiety. I wished desperately that I had my phone with me so I could look up ‘how to act after a one night stand’ online to give me a better idea of what should come next. After all, much as I liked the guy, and much as I’d felt a connection when we’d been intimate, if I was truly honest with myself then this was probably all that this was.
