Living on Borrowed Time, page 5
“Um, okay. Well, I was diagnosed with a rare terminal cancer. They said I wouldn’t live longer than six months.” I blurted it out quickly, noticing Kimberly throw her hand over her mouth. “But, I survived. I mean, I still have to get checked up every now and then, I’m not totally out of the woods…They said it was a ‘miracle recovery’.” I let out a strangled laugh as I realised how much a mess I was making of this—I knew for a fact that I wasn’t getting many of the details out at all, and that I was just rushing through it, but I couldn’t stop myself. “So, life went a bit weird and I decided to get away, to come here, to start again.” I knew that I’d told that in the worst possible way, but I just wanted to get this conversation done as quickly as possible. I hated even mentioning it again.
I finally looked up to see Amy nodding intently, finally seeing why I’d been so difficult to be around. I was glad that I could make her see that I wasn’t just odd and bitchy—that there was much more to me than that. It made it feel a little more worth it.
“We’re here for you now.” Kimberly said, decidedly. “We’ll help you, won’t we Amez?” Amy nodded again. This time, I could tell that she didn’t know what to say. I recognised that look extremely well, I saw it a lot when I was diagnosed. I smiled back, feeling strained. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. This had changed everything. These girls would look at me differently now, I just knew it.
How could they not, when everyone else did?
“In fact, one of my friends is having a house party Friday night, do you want to come? It’s gunna be loads of fun!” Kimberly’s tone was overly enthusiastic, but I did appreciate the offer. “You’re coming, right Amy?”
“I can’t, I need to get ready for my job…” She trailed off, looking awkward. A horrible realisation consumed me. I’d lost her; she no longer wanted to be my friend. She didn’t know it herself yet, but she felt too uncomfortable to be around me. She wouldn’t make the decision to actively avoid me, but it would happen, slowly, over time. It always did.
I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t in public. I’d wait until I was safely locked indoors before I allowed the tears to fall. I should be used to this by now, but somehow this wound felt completely fresh and new.
“Well Nick invited me, so I kind of have to go. I think this might be the one shot I have with him. He actually went out of his way to ask me out and I don’t know if I’ll get another chance. I need to do this. Please come, Lara? Say you’ll still come with me? It will be fun, honest.” She pleaded with me, fluttering her eyelashes as a joke, and this shook me out of my negative mood a little. She still wanted to be around me, even if no one else did. I couldn’t help how Amy felt—anymore than she could—but what I could do, for the first time in a very long time—was focus on the positive. The Lara I’d become would have only seen the bad side of this, but I was doing my best not to be that person anymore. I wouldn’t see the friend lost, I’d see the one I’d gained.
Anyway, maybe it really would be fun. Getting out, having a laugh—that was exactly what I needed. Sitting at home, alone, resisting the temptation to cry was not a better option.
“Of course, I’ll come.” I grinned, feeling a heavy weight lifting from my shoulders. This was going to be fine, I was going to go out with Kimberly and have a really good time—just like last time. I remembered how good the last night out had made me feel, and I looked forward to having that experience again.
EIGHT
The music was loud; it was thumping so hard that my ear drums hurt. Why did I agree to this? Why had I let Kimberly talk me into this nightmare? I’d been expecting this night to be a little more like the last one, but I was so, so wrong. The words ‘house party’ and ‘DJ’ should have been enough to put me off, but for some reason, it didn’t. I guess I was so glad that she still wanted to be my friend after the heavy revelation, that I probably would have agreed to just about anything she asked me to do.
I looked across at her, smiling discretely to myself. She really did seem to consider herself my friend despite everything—even when Amy went weird, she didn’t. My first proper friend since I’d been living in this weird borrowed time. It felt good to be able to say that to myself. It was certainly a step in the right direction at any rate!
She was making googly eyes at Nick, looking at him with such an intense adoration that it made me feel a little off-balance at the sight. I guess I’d just never felt that way about anyone, and I’d certainly never had anyone adore me in that way, so it was weirdly unnerving to see. It made me feel things that I hadn’t before; it was making me wish for something similar, something so out of reach that it was impossible.
But despite all of that, I was very happy for Kimberly to have someone. She certainly deserved to be happy. I knew she thought this was her one and only shot with Nick, but from the way he was looking back at her, it seemed like he would follow her to the ends of the Earth. I wasn’t sure why she was seemingly so blind to the fact that his feelings clearly matched hers. It was insane! Even I could pick it up, and I wasn’t exactly experienced in being lusted after. I intended to pull her to one side to tell her at some point, but not yet. I didn’t want to pull her away from the lovely moment she was having.
“I’m gunna get a drink.” I yelled over the music, wanting to give them a few moments privacy. It wasn’t like they were making me feel like a spare part, or anything. They were including me in all their conversations; I just didn’t want to get in the way of things progressing. I felt that they need a little time without me, and to be honest I needed a moment away from their ‘love bubble’ too.
I pushed my way through the crowds of swaying, sweaty bodies, trying not to let the panic consume me. I didn’t like the sensation of being surrounded by some many people, who were so much taller than me. I felt claustrophobic and trapped, but the last thing I wanted to do was run, after making such huge steps recently. Even when the negative thoughts kept popping up in my brain, I was determinedly swatting them away. I couldn’t let anxiety be the thing to push my back into my miserable rut, I wouldn’t allow it, so I kept my eyes fixed firmly on the reddish carpet beneath my feet, examining it very closely as I moved. I was sure it was usually very plush, but right now—under the trampled feet and spilled drinks—it was kinda gross.
This party was so ridiculously loud that it probably should have been illegal. I didn’t actually know whose house this was—I hadn’t thought to ask Kimberly—but it must’ve been someone with some pretty serious money. Someone who wasn’t even slightly concerned about the clean-up in the morning! The house was a massive, gorgeous place which just screamed ‘riches’. I could only assume that all the nearby neighbours had been invited, which was why no one had complained.
After what felt like forever, I finally reached the kitchen. Luckily, it was a little quieter than the rest of the house, which gave me a much needed minute to breathe. I glanced around at all the half drunk bottles of God-knows-what, sucking in a deep breath, wondering what to go for. As someone who had never dabbled in drinking spirits before, I wasn’t sure what I would like, and unfortunately I couldn’t seem to spot any wine, which I was a little more accustomed to—if only slight. I couldn’t even remember what it was that Kimberly normally drank, so I decided to just grab three plastic cups and pick the least offensive looking bottle at random.
“Strong choice!” A deep, bemused voice said into my ear, causing me to jump and totally embarrass myself. I span around quickly; to find a guy I’d never seen before, smiling at me brightly. I broke eye contact almost instantly, hoping that he wouldn’t spot my face going red, even though I knew it was fruitless. I didn’t even blush cutely, my face always flamed ensuring that everyone in a mile radius could see it.
“I…I know.” I stammered, desperately not wanting to seem like an idiot. “I’m only going to have a little bit…”
“Then, you might want to mix it with this.” He laughed, handing me the lemonade. My lack of knowledge about alcohol must have been humiliatingly obvious, making my self-doubt even worse. I tried to laugh it off, but I didn’t know how convincing my amusement came across. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, to see if he was buying it.
As I added the lemonade to the drinks, I was acutely aware of the stranger and his presence behind me. He was making me feel nervous, but also warm at the same time. It was a weird, unnerving reaction that my body was having that I couldn’t seem to control and I didn’t know what to do about it. I muttered a quick ‘thanks’, whilst turning to leave. My intention was to run out as quickly as possible, preventing any more interaction with him, but I couldn’t stop my eyes from lifting from the ground, and meeting his, just for a split second.
As we connected, I found myself staring for much longer than I intended to. I drank in his full appearance unabashedly as he did the same to me. My mind was going crazy with anxiety, begging me to look away, but my body was only concerned with him, and the fact that he was making me feel in a way that I never had before—and a way that I really didn’t want to stop feeling. He had dark, shaggy hair which hung past his eyebrows, giving me the almost uncontrollable urge to push it to one side. Beneath his glasses I could see dark, brooding eyes which seem to be full of mystery and laughter, and he was tall…much taller than me—not that that was difficult—and he was kind of muscular too, but not too much so. He had his hands shoved into his jeans pockets and I scanned my eyes over his t-shirt, which was of some band I didn’t recognise. He had a real geeky rock star look about him, and something about that was making my legs feel like jelly. I didn’t even realise that this was the sort of guy I would feel any kind of attraction to, yet here I was almost falling apart at the mere sight of him.
He smiled brightly at me, and for a second I was completely blindsided by him. My heart started hammering like crazy and butterflies tickled my tummy. I didn’t recognise this feeling, not at all, so I was actually glad when the connection broke and my body started to return to normal. Having my body go all crazy like that was bizarre. It may have felt nice at the time, but it wasn’t something I was ready to go through again. Not until I had deciphered every second of that brief interaction.
As I pushed my way back through the crowds, I was no longer focused on anything in particular because I felt distracted. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and the way that he made me feel. It was as if my entire world has shrunk down to that moment, and nothing else really mattered. But I wasn’t entirely sure how much of it was real, and what was a construct of this rollercoaster of a night.
I reached the seats where we were all sitting before, and to my utter disappointment a new crowd had taken over them. I didn’t recognise a single person. I span around frantically trying to find Kimberly, all thoughts of the chance encounter with the gorgeous guy spinning from my mind. All I could see were strangers, people I didn’t recognise, everywhere. I knew Kimberly wouldn’t have left me on purpose, she was aware that I was nervous about coming tonight, which meant something must have happened. Maybe something bad. This just wasn’t right; there was no logical explanation which sent my overactive doomsday imagination into overdrive. My heart started racing—but this time for a different reason—my chest started to constrict as I took in deep breaths, as I slowly became convinced that I that my world was about to collapse around me.
Must. Not. Panic.
She probably went looking for me, yeah that must be it! I was gone a while, so she took Nick to find me. However swept up in Nick she was, she just wouldn’t leave me like this—in a place where I knew no one. I decided that the best course of action was to go and find her first, so neither of us worried…
I moved once more, no longer caring about being polite. I found myself using force to shove people out of the way as my desperation levels increased. My panic was making me act a little crazy, but in the heat of the moment, I really didn’t care how I was coming across to others. The drinks in my hand spilled down the top that I had so lovingly picked out earlier on today, but I barely even noticed. The cold liquid caused the material to stick to my skin, probably completely ruining my clothing, but I didn’t even pay any attention to that.
I just needed to find my friend.
Stress started to consume me as angry tears pricked my eyes. I didn’t want to be here, with all these people. I wanted to be at home staring at the crack in my bedroom ceiling. That was familiar; I knew that, this was right out of my comfort zone, and I couldn’t do it by myself. Without Kimberly, I became the sham of a person that I always knew I was.
My mind started to whizz at a hundred miles an hour, thousands of conflicting thoughts running through my brain. I needed to go home; I had to get out of here before things took a turn for the worse. My breaths started to become ragged, coming in thick and fast, until I felt like I could barely get any air to my lungs at all. My heartbeat started to hurt, my chest becoming too tight. I felt my legs start to buckle from beneath me and I could no longer control myself.
Eventually I fell.
I was falling and there was nothing I could do to. I waited for the cold hard ground to greet me, but instead warm skin wrapped itself around my body. Instead of freaking out like I should have done, I collapsed into the embrace, allowing my whole body weight to gratefully lean into my saviour.
NINE
It wasn’t until I was sat on a sturdy seat, supping cool water, that my mind started to calm itself down, allowing me to focus on the scene in front of me. It was then I realised, with pure shock in my heart, who my saviour was—the stranger. Of course it was. The guy from the kitchen, the one who started off the crazy rollercoaster of emotions that resulted in me humiliating myself in one of the worst possible ways. And he just had to be there to witness it. Perfect. Could this get any worse?
He wasn’t smiling at me as he stared into my eyes this time. He was examining me carefully with an intent look of concern on his face that I didn’t like one bit. I tried to smile reassuringly, to try and prevent this moment from becoming all the more embarrassing than it already was, but it seemed to make no difference. His expression didn’t change, which saddened me somewhat. I much preferred the happiness in his eyes.
My ears caught up to the fact that his mouth was moving far too late. I’d been so busy staring at him, that I didn’t actually notice him talking—again, just another moment to add to the increasing number of slip ups tonight! The buzz surrounding me started to fade and I strained to make out words, desperately hoping that I may be able to rectify this yet…
“Are you okay?” I finally caught and I nodded emphatically, glad to be given the chance to appear normal—well, sort of! I was pretty sure that the normal ship had sailed some time ago. “Drinks were strong…I told you.” He laughed, relief passing over his face.
I went to correct him, I wanted to tell him that I didn’t even sip the drink, but I suddenly realised that there was no other explanation I could give to lessen the humiliation—especially not the truth. I passed out because I lost my friend…how would that make me sound? No, that was just shameful! It would probably be better to let him assume that I was a lightweight.
His fingers softly grazed my cheek, sending electrical shocks through my face. These tremors went on to rock through my entire body, causing me to shiver lightly with a bizarre pleasure that didn’t quite make sense. As his hand dropped down by his side, mine immediately took its place—as if I couldn’t bear to let the sensation go just yet. He kept talking and I kept nodding, but nothing was sinking in. All I cared about was the fact that he had been touching me, and that I wished he still was.
Eventually, he must have realised that my mind was off on some other world entirely, because he grabbed my hand to lead me away, and I followed behind willingly. I was happy to go wherever he wanted—especially since he seemed to be taking me away from that God awful party. I never intended to go to anything like that again—not even for Kimberly’s sake. It was just too awful for words, not my idea of a good time at all. We walked out of the door, into some very welcome fresh air. Breathing in something other than booze and cigarettes gave me enough head space to finally be able to think a little clearer.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked again, and I turned to face him while I nodded. I wanted him to see that I finally really was alright now, and I felt like showing him my much-calmer expression was the only way to do that. “Good.” He sighed deeply. “I was worried about you for a moment.”
He was worried about me? What the hell did that mean? It had to mean something, right?
I laughed loudly—a little too loudly, really, because it caused him to look at me a little oddly. Again, I felt the overly familiar blush fill my cheeks and I was forced to look away. It wasn’t enough that I was constantly making an ass of myself; it had to be highlighted to the world too? If there was one person that I wanted to think highly of me, it was the sexy stranger from the kitchen—even if I had only known him for a few moments. He just had something about him that made me desperately want to impress him—a desire that was currently going nowhere. I wished I could be one of those cool, easygoing people, who never seem to suffer the red-face curse, but I wasn’t. I didn’t know how much of that was me, and how much of it had been determined by the fact that I was ill during the time that I should have been getting to know myself. The time where I should have been growing up, and becoming the person I was always supposed to be, I had no time for any other worries outside of the hospital.
“I’m Charlie.” He said, holding out his hand and grinning at me. I took it in mine, but didn’t move, so we weren’t actually shaking, just sort of holding hands. His warm skin caressed mine lightly, causing me to gulp down the panic that instantly filled me. He was almost too close, but I never wanted him to let go wither.
“Lara.” I almost whispered as a reply.
I watched him bite his lip as he thought of what to say next, and my other hand reached up to play with the ends of my hair. I was nervous…but it was much more than that. I was extremely anxious because for the first time in a very long time, I actually needed this guy to like me. I wanted to keep talking to him. I was really enjoying his company—even if I was acting a bit of a fool around him! I normally couldn’t wait to escape the presence of people I didn’t know very well, so this new longing was very unnerving.
