I'll Never Stop, page 16
“How could you do that to me?” Dorian asked her.
“I’m pretty sure you mean to ask yourself that question, Dorian,” Eliza tossed back haughtily. “You stole money from so many people. From me.” I was oddly proud of her, even if I wanted to throttle her for firing back at Dorian. Now was not the time nor the place to have a backbone. It was time to say, “Yes, sir,” to appease Dorian until I got close enough to take him down.
“You have so much of it, it didn’t matter to you. Plus, you already have it all. Famous, beautiful, your career path set. I needed extra to have as a cushion.”
“We were friends, Dorian. If you needed anything, even if it was more money, you only had to ask. Instead, you became this…I don’t even recognize you anymore. It wasn’t just me you stole from. You got greedy. What happened to you? What happened to the guy who promised we’d set the world on fire? He was my friend. You…you’re not.”
“Well, you set the world on fire, alright,” he said, taking a step toward her. “And you set me ablaze with it, you spoiled little rich bitch. I was taking you places. All you had to do was keep your mouth shut. Instead, you worked with those fucking pigs.”
“I believe that’s used for cops, Dorian. FBI. F. B. I. That’s some serious shit. So, don’t you dare patronize me for whatever shit you stepped in. You did this to yourself. And don’t you ever call me a spoiled rich bitch, you gold-digging asshole.”
“Or what?” he sneered, taking another step toward her. One more step, and I was putting a bullet through his brain, consequences be damned. “You’ll fling a heel at me?” He laughed.
“No, asshole, I’ll do this,” she said. Stepping toward him this time, she stepped on his foot, punching up, and then roundhouse kicked him. I was too shocked by her actions to move. My worries were temporarily gone as I’d witnessed her use some of the defense moves she learned as an offense move. Fuck. I was equally proud, impressed, and turned the hell on. Damn, my woman was a powerhouse. And she wasn’t afraid either. Shit, she was hot as hell. Only…she wasn’t mine. Well, she was. She just didn’t believe it.
“Finn?” she asked as I finally found my footing and made it toward them. Dorian lay on the ground, groaning in pain. “Are you okay?” I asked, grabbing her face in my hands, allowing myself a moment before I had to secure Dorian. It wasn’t necessarily the smart thing to do, but I hadn’t done the smart thing very often since Eliza entered my life. I scanned her shell-shocked features, making sure she was truly alright. “Did he hurt you?”
“No,” she said as she tried to shake her head, still in my hands.
“Okay.” I kissed her forehead. “I need to deal with him,” I told her. She nodded, and I cuffed Dorian while he was still writhing in pain on the ground. I smiled smugly at how well Eliza had handled him and handled herself. “I’m so sorry he got to you. The road was closed because of a car accident.”
“I thought you finally listened to me,” she admitted, a slight unease in her voice while I manhandled Dorian.
“Not until you listen to me,” I told her, then took a moment to call him in. She stayed nearby, but not close enough to let me touch her, and I couldn’t let go of Dorian.
It was only minutes later when they showed up and took him off my hands. Eliza and I hadn’t said a word during this time.
“Please, Eliza, five minutes.”
She sighed, and then she nodded, her appointment long forgotten.
“It wasn’t a lie,” I told her. “None of it was. You needed a bodyguard. I needed an in, but I was your bodyguard. I just had the bonus of investigating Dorian. I had no reason to lie to you about my feelings, to make you believe I loved you if I didn’t. That was all me, Eliza. All me. The not remembering you, all me. The being there for you when you needed me, all me. The proving to you that I was a changed man, all me. The way I feel about you, all me. I love you, Eliza. How could I not? You’re smart, you’re caring, you’re pure. So damn pure. And strong. You didn’t break when I hurt you in high school. And look at you, you didn’t break now either. I’m so sorry you found out the way you did. I was going to tell you the truth when this was over. I swear it. I just couldn’t tell you then. There were and are going to be parts of my job that I can’t share. There are going to be times when I have to lie by omission. This was one of them. But all I omitted this time was who I worked for. I didn’t lie about anything else.”
I watched as her expression went from pain to disbelief, then back to pain. I watched as one tear turned into two until her cheeks were stained from them. I watched as her breath hitched when I told her I loved her. I watched it all as I admitted the truth, hoping it would set us both free.
“I can’t,” she said, her voice hoarse as if she’d screamed until she’d lost it. I knew it was thanks to the overwhelming emotions she felt. “It’s too much. Too much like the past. Like you used me for an end goal. At least this time it wasn’t for a cheap laugh.”
“The case is over, Eliza. But I’m still here, every day. Why? Why do you think that is? If I was playing you, I wouldn’t be here. You’d be long forgotten, and I’d leave you alone. But I can’t. Love, Eliza. That’s why. My love for you. It’s real, and it’s here. And I can’t leave you alone. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“I want to believe you,” she said softly through her tears. “I’d be a fool not to want that to be true. But I can’t.”
“What can I do to help you believe it?” I asked.
“Time. Give me some time. I just need a little time.”
“Okay,” I said with a pained nod. “I’ll wait for you. However long you need, I’ll wait for you, but I’m not leaving. I love you. If you believe nothing else, I’ll get you to believe that.” The conversation ended there. Eliza abandoned the rest of her meetings to head home, and I trailed her until I knew she was behind her front door safely. Whether she knew it or not, she’d waited all these years for me. I could wait a little longer for her. Truth be told, I’d wait forever. She was worth it. And she was mine. And soon, she’d realize that too.
Eliza
“YOU WHAT?” ANNA screeched into the phone.
“I was so mad at him after I finished crying that I wanted to get him back,” I admitted to my friends. When I’d made it home after leaving Finn, I curled up into a ball and cried, then I cried some more, and then I cried some more. Late that evening, I called my friends and told them everything. Well, I told them the quick and dirty, to which I got “that motherfucker” from Anna, and “I’m going to fucking castrate him. No wait, I’m going to take his balls and stretch them until they can reach his neck, then I’m going to tie them around like a necklace, slowly choking him to death.”
“Remind me not to piss off Sam,” Anna muttered as I wasn’t even fazed, too upset and angry by the events that had transpired, namely the fact my heart was completely and utterly destroyed.
That was when they made me rewind and tell them every detail.
“And calling him a crazy stalking, flashing fan was the answer?” Anna asked.
“I didn’t say he stalked me.”
“Seriously?” she screeched again. “How the hell did that help?”
“It didn’t,” I admitted. “But it made me feel better. Revenge, Anna, sweet revenge. Ironic revenge. Just knowing I had the upper hand for even a moment was enough to give me the strength to face him.”
“Okay, fine. I get it, I think,” she said.
“Now what?” Sam asked.
“Now I sit and cry and try to pick up the pieces of my heart…again.”
“Oh, Lizzy, I’m so sorry,” she said with her own cry. “You got this, girl. You’re tougher than you look. You did it before, so you can do it again.”
The rest of the conversation was a mix of cursing Finn, wishing him death and the such, wallowing in misery together, and a series of pep talks on how I was going to conquer this setback in life, interspersed with bouts of self-loathing, doubts, and of course, crying.
I spoke to them every day after that, keeping them updated. So they knew when Finn came, what was said, and what wasn’t said.
The day before Dorian confronted me, my friends seemed to cave to Finn’s antics.
“But why is he still showing up?” Anna asked.
“Worried about my safety, I guess,” I told her.
“Is there a reason to be? I mean, they’d tell you, right? And then wouldn’t you have some protection detail, or whatever it is they call it?” she asked.
“That shit only happens on TV,” Sam chimed in.
“No way,” Anna argued. “They base that shit on real life. That’s not why Finn has been showing up like he’s Lizzy’s personal assistant each day.”
“I hate to say it, but I think Anna’s right,” Sam said. “I mean, what did he really do?”
“Oh, you mean besides lie to me, use me to get close to his real target, make me fall for him in the meantime only to have me learn the truth in a backhanded way?”
“When you put it like that, it sounds pretty shitty,” Sam muttered.
“It’s not how I put it. It’s the truth,” I countered.
“Did you expect him to introduce himself as FBI right off the bat, Lizzy?”
“No,” I admitted reluctantly. “But he should have told me after we were together.”
“Maybe he wasn’t allowed to. Or even if he was, that’s not exactly an easy thing to admit after the fact.”
“Whose side are you guys on?” I asked, getting upset.
“Yours,” Anna told me. “Which is why we’re asking you these questions. We want to see you happy. And you’re miserable right now. You weren’t when you were with Finn. Maybe…maybe you need to hear him out.”
“I can’t,” I told them. “I just can’t.” But my heart wasn’t convinced.
The next day, Dorian showed up, confronted me, and the next thing I knew, I took him down. My emotions were all over the place, and Finn’s gentle kiss on my forehead had done things inside me. I found myself agreeing to listen to him. His words were beautiful. They were everything I wanted to hear and more. They justified his actions, gave credibility to my feelings for him…but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t bear to give a piece of my heart to him again only to have him shatter it once more.
I’d already allowed him to do it twice. I didn’t think I’d survive a third time.
I asked for time because I hoped it would give me clarity, hoped it would heal my heart enough to know it could withstand a third blow. But I wasn’t sure I’d ever get those two things.
I wept big, fat, ugly tears that night, wanting to believe in Finn’s fairy tale but knowing I didn’t have the strength to.
I woke up the next day feeling like I’d been run over by a truck, physically weak thanks to the emotional toll I was under.
I had just headed out, saddened and slightly surprised to see Finn wasn’t standing in my front yard. I’d asked him to leave, but deep down, I was disappointed when I hadn’t seen him the day before. I had the same feeling again. I made it to the first meeting, and Finn still didn’t show up. I even got through the second with no sign of Finn. My longing for him now hit the top of the charts. It was crazy how I missed just the shadow of him. He’d buried himself so deep in my heart. That was why I was so torn. I wanted to be free to love him. But I couldn’t.
I was just about to head to my third appointment when my phone rang. I hadn’t been in the right headspace all day, so I picked it up without even checking to see who it was.
“Eliza, it’s Clark,” he started. I’d only spoken to him a handful of times, the latest conversations having had nothing to do with Finn, but I didn’t think I’d have a reason to hear from Clark again.
“Finn?” I asked immediately, my worry and panic spiking.
“Shot. Critical. He’s in the hospital.”
“I’m on my way,” I told him. “Where?”
“I’ll text you the details.”
Ten minutes later, I’d broken at least a dozen traffic laws but reached the hospital. I burst in frantic, looking like a desperate woman as I found the room Clark had sent to my phone.
“Finn!” I cried out as I walked in and stopped in my tracks. “Finn?” I asked, confused as I saw him sitting up on the bed, looking as fine as the previous day.
“Eliza? What are you doing here?” he asked as I slowly made my way into the room, approaching the bed like I was scared I was in a twilight zone.
“Clark called,” I told him. “He said you were shot and were in critical condition.”
“Shit,” Finn said. “Why the hell am I not surprised,” he said with a shake.
“My leave was over,” he told me.
“Leave?” I asked, now more confused than ever.
“My assignment with you was over, but I couldn’t leave things like that. I didn’t want to leave things at all. So I took a leave to prove to you that I was serious about you and us. To prove that I hadn’t just used you. I did that the only way I knew how. By being there. I couldn’t do that if I was on another assignment. But it was up. Today was my first day back. I assisted another agent, but things didn’t go as planned, so here I am. It’s just a flesh wound, Eliza. Nothing serious.”
“Is this some kind of joke?” I asked. “Is there someone standing nearby laughing at this? At me?”
“No!” he yelled. “I was shot. Clark…well…let’s just say Clark isn’t just my boss. He’s my friend too. And as my friend, he knew I was miserable without you. Guess he decided to try to help.”
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” I yelled, punching him in the arm that didn’t have a bandage on it. “Do you know what went through my mind all day when you didn’t show up?” I asked. “Do you know what I was thinking? I didn’t even know what I was thinking. But you weren’t there. And you said you weren’t going to leave me. And you did leave. You weren’t there!” I’d long since abandoned an “indoor” voice. I was going off on him, rightfully so. How dare he do this to me? How dare he worry me like that? “And then I got a call saying you were shot and in critical condition! Do you know how worried I was? Do you know what went through my mind? I was so scared!” I screamed my admission. “I thought I lost yo—”
And then his lips were on me, cutting off my sentence. They felt so good, so warm…so mine. I’d missed the taste of him, the feel of his lips pressing against mine like I was his last meal. He kissed me each time like he’d never experienced the beauty of a kiss before. This was no different. I opened my mouth to him, letting his tongue play with mine. His arms moved to my body, wrapping me in a hug as my hands moved to his arms. I felt the bandage under my right hand, so I held my hand there gently, but I couldn’t stop my left from burrowing my nails into his skin. It was my natural reaction to him. The passion between us was so overwhelming that I needed an outlet. I let it out through my very fingertips, scratching and marking him.
We were so close, our bodies pressed together. And it felt so right. We felt so right. My heart felt full rather than splintered like it had just moments before. It felt like it hadn’t been beating this entire time we were apart, and now that our bodies were touching, it could resume its natural rhythm. My heart had known what my mind had refused to acknowledge. I loved Finn. No matter what. I loved him. And I believe him. I believe in him. More so, I believe in us.
“Don’t ever scare me again,” I told him as we broke apart.
“Does that mean I have the chance not to scare you again?” he asked, a smile playing on his lips.
“Don’t be charming right now,” I told him. “I’m still mad at this little stunt.”
He chuckled before capturing my lips once more.
“Fucking finally.” The voice behind us ruined the perfectly good moment. I might have groaned, missing the feel of Finn’s lips already.
“I’d say get the hell out, but I think I owe you a thank you,” Finn said, peeking around me.
I turned to face Clark, only mildly peeved at the stunt he’d pulled, considering it brought Finn and me back together.
“Nice seeing you again, Eliza,” he said with a wide smile.
“Don’t you nice seeing me, Clark. You gave me a freaking heart attack,” I tossed at him.
“Sometimes we need to face death to realize what it’s like to live. Thinking you were losing Finn made you realize you didn’t want him gone.” The asshole was not surprisingly just as charming as Finn. Gee, I wonder why they were friends. I knew he’d done it with good intentions. “Consider it my thank you,” he added.
“Thank you?” Finn asked. “Thank you for what?”
“You didn’t tell him, I take it?” Clark asked.
“We weren’t speaking,” I said with a shrug.
“I’ll, uh, step out for a bit,” Clark said, making his way out.
“Coward,” I yelled after him.
“Thank you for what, Eliza?” Finn asked, his tone serious, worry clouding his features. He’d had a right to be worried at one point, but it was too late to be worried now.
“The evidence I gave you wasn’t enough,” I started.
“What the hell are you talking about? It was everything we needed.”
“No, Finn, it wasn’t,” I told him. “I guess you guys needed something extra to make sure it all stuck. That’s where I came in.”
“What the fuck are you talking about, Eliza?” he asked, getting to his feet, anger mixing with panic. I felt a little thrill of payback. What could I say? I was human, and it was nice to have him feel what I’d just felt on my way here.
I spat it out, quickly, like ripping off a bandage, my words running together. “I-wore-a-wire-when-Dorian-attacked-me-because-Clark-knew-he’d-come-after-me.”
“Are you joking right now?” he asked. “Let me get this straight. My boss put my girlfriend in harm’s way?”
“I wasn’t your girlfriend,” I interrupted, realizing as the words were out that it wasn’t the best time to point that out.
