I'll Never Stop, page 11
That obviously called for a chat with my besties.
That was exactly what I did later that night. I replayed the entire week since coming home, having already told them about my weekend with my parents.
“Getting him to quit didn’t work. Forgetting him obviously won’t work. Letting the past go is a nonstarter, so maybe you need to give in.” That was from Anna, which was clearly something I didn’t expect to hear from her, considering I gasped. “Maybe you just need closure,” she added.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“Maybe you need to get under him to forget him.”
“Holy shit, Anna, are you saying I should sleep with him?” I asked her. “Because that’s a big fat no. I can’t sleep with the enemy.”
“No, no, wait, maybe Anna has a point,” Sam said, clearly another traitor in the midst. “Let’s not deny you guys are both good looking, and that you do have chemistry.”
“How the hell would you know that?” I asked, interrupting.
“Girl, please. I don’t need to see it to know it. We get a rundown of your life on the weekly. And let’s just say we can feel the sexual tension from here.”
“I hate him,” I reminded them.
“Hate has nothing to do with desire. Maybe that’s exactly why you desire him. Forbidden fruit and all. You lust after him, but you can’t have him because you hate him, which makes your lust that much stronger,” Anna said.
“Maybe all you need to do is give in, have a fantastic night in bed to get it out of your system, and then voilà, you can move on with your life. And it wouldn’t matter to you whether Finn was by your side as our bodyguard or not. He’d be just another body,” Sam told me.
“Exactly,” Anna added. “You’ll no longer have any feelings toward Finn, hate, lust, whatever. You’ll be indifferent.”
“I can’t just sleep with him,” I protested, but my argument felt weak.
“Do you need a lesson, Lizzy?” Sam teased. “Has it been that long? Okay, well, the penis goes in the vagina.”
“Oh, shut it,” I told her, but she’d gotten a laugh out of me.
“We just don’t want your feelings for Finn to keep ruling your life, and something is clearly going on between you two. Maybe you need to play out your fantasy, have what you never got to. See what you were missing out on, and then you can stop thinking about him,” Anna said.
“I don’t know,” I responded. “I really don’t know.”
“No one is telling you to go bang the dude right now. Just think about it. You have time,” Sam told me.
“I know what my answer will be, but I’ll think about it.”
“Good, okay, well, then I’m out,” Sam said, followed by Anna. And the next thing you know, I was alone in bed, my eyes shutting, and my dreams taking me where my mind didn’t want them to go. To Finn. Maybe…just maybe…I did need closure.
Finn
“MY GOD,” I said out loud to no one in particular. Eliza had turned in my direction, and I’d gotten the full impact of her. It had almost knocked me on my ass. Instead, the words escaped my mouth instinctively.
She was breathtaking. Absolutely breathtaking.
She was that and more every day, every single day. It didn’t matter what state she was in, with makeup or without, well-rested or not, mad or happy, on a mission or just laughing…her outer beauty was something out of this world. There was, of course, a reason she was a famous model. But it wasn’t just that.
I’d gotten to know her, and she had broken through every preconceived notion I had about her. She was humble, kind, giving, determined, and smart. Inside, she was even more beautiful than on the outside. And like the piece of shit that I used to be, I’d almost crushed that inner beauty. Thank God, she was stronger than I probably would have ever given her credit for. Thank God she thrived despite what I’d done. Thank God it didn’t change her…because people like Eliza shouldn’t ever change. They should be given free rein to be who they wanted to be. Because she was damn near perfect.
Even with her apparent hate for me, I still wanted her, still wanted to be with her…because I saw who she was inside and out. I just didn’t understand what her problem was with me.
But now I knew that I was the problem. That I’d fucked things up before I even knew I could.
What a difference a few years could make. If only I’d met her just a few years later, I wouldn’t have been the asshole I was back then. Who knows if we’d be together then, but at least I wouldn’t have tried to destroy something so absolutely pure.
I’d been trying to make it up to her in the only ways I knew how over the past couple of weeks. I was on my best behavior. I picked up her favorite drinks or food, and I tried to stop razzing her—the keyword there was “tried” because let’s be honest, we both liked it even if she didn’t want to admit it. I said it before, and I’d say it again, it was our unique brand of foreplay.
But it wasn’t enough.
I was trying to show her that I wasn’t that guy anymore, but she wasn’t buying it. And I was trying to woo her, but that wasn’t happening either. I needed something bigger, something more impactful, something that could at least marginally make up for what I’d done in the past.
So here I was.
At the charity dance, showing up to be Eliza’s date, and she didn’t know it.
I knew she didn’t have a date, which I was very, very grateful for. Forget the fact that I wanted to be with her, and if she had a date, that would be a bit of a complication—I say a bit only because that fucker would be gone the minute I showed up, I’d make sure of it. But to that point, I’d suddenly found myself getting jealous as fuck over an imaginary date she didn’t have.
I also realized just why she hadn’t wanted to go alone.
Because these events reminded her of the one that ruined them all for her…
So this was how I was making it up to her. It was my surprise, my do-over for the dance I’d fucked up.
I’d seen Eliza in so many different forms—in ball gowns, in swimsuits, with crazy makeup, with makeup that looked like she wasn’t even wearing any—but somehow, today, staring at her took my breath away. Something was different about her. I felt her anxiety, her fear, even her pain all the way across the room as she scanned the crowd nervously, but she didn’t let it define her. She didn’t let it show. She didn’t let it stop her. Instead, she showed up with her head held high and her back straight and did her thing.
It was a wonder to watch her.
And I was a damn fool for hurting her.
“How could I have been so dumb?” I asked out loud before my feet found their way, and I walked across the crowded ballroom, stopping behind Eliza.
“May I have this dance?” I said and then waited for her to turn. I saw her body stiffen as she took in my voice, as it sank in just what was happening, and then she turned slowly. Her face was a myriad of emotions, ranging from shocked to happy and everything between, including grief, which I imagine included a short flurry of memories.
“What are you doing here?” she asked after her surprise wore off.
“I told you I’d come with you. Now, here I am,” I said as I moved to her side and offered her my elbow instead.
“Oh my, isn’t that sweet,” an older woman who had been standing near Eliza said, to which I smiled, of course.
“Come on, don’t let the little old lady down,” I whispered into Eliza’s ear, and then I dropped my elbow, moving my hand down until it found hers. I took her hand and led her to the dance floor. She followed without complaint, probably still too stunned to argue with me. When we got to the center of the dance floor, I turned and captured her in my arms, one hand around her waist, the other holding her hand. Her free hand naturally found its way to my shoulder. We started dancing, swaying together to the music, not talking, with only the melody around us guiding our bodies, guiding our emotions as we stared at each other, me in awe, her in disbelief. I’d take it. I’d take her disbelief any day over her hate.
And then I’d turn it into belief…in me…in us.
Eliza
AFTER THE INITIAL shock wore off…then came a whole different level of shock. It was that shock that had me acting like a different person, had me following Finn, had me dancing with him, had me laughing with him, had me…gasp, enjoying the night—with Finn.
It wasn’t real. It was a dream. I’d been transported to the past, but an alternate realty version of the past. One where I’d show up to the dance, Finn had been waiting with open arms. I ran into them before we danced the night away.
I dreaded coming to the ball by myself, but I only had so many people I could count on, and everyone had somewhere else they needed to be. My saving grace was that Dorian would be there, but he was going to come late with his date because he had another event for a different client he had to stop by first.
All day, my nerves were standing on end. I felt uneasy and scared.
I’d texted the girls while I was getting my hair and makeup done, telling them I didn’t think I could handle being at the ball by myself.
Bitch, please, you OWN this ball. That was Sam’s response, and it got a chuckle out of me.
You’re a strong, independent woman. You don’t need a date. And you don’t need Finn ruling your life. Anna’s logical mind kicked in.
But he can rule your bedroom. I groaned after that little message popped up. Anna’s logical mind wasn’t so logical after all.
You’ll be fine, Lizzy. You’ve handled worse and come out on top. Sam was right.
“You got this,” I said out loud.
“Yeah, you do,” my hairdresser responded. “You’re going to look like hot shit.” I laughed.
My mom even called. She knew I didn’t like going to events by myself, and she knew Danny had canceled. She didn’t know before why I didn’t like to go, but now she knew.
“I should have flown to be with you,” she said. She’d offered that weekend, but I told her I would be fine, and she didn’t need to come for something like that.
“I’m fine, Mom, really,” I assured her, and in the process, I was assuring me.
I was giving myself pep talks all day, and they seemed to be working just fine…until I showed up at the ball. For a split second, I was frozen in place, my memories flooding back to that night. I let the images take over until they vanished so that I could come back to the present. I shook my head and walked in.
I was fine, well, fine-ish after that, but I was uneasy. I kept surveying the room, waiting for something to happen.
And something did happen.
His voice was deeper than it had been that night, and his words were far different, but I still heard his boyish laughter. When I turned to see him staring at me with wonder, his amazement sincere, I didn’t know whether to cry or punch him. Too bad I barely had the wherewithal to speak, let alone to do either one of the things I debated on.
When he took my hand, leading me to the dance floor, that was when the here and now was suddenly forgotten, and my mind took me back. We were teenage Lizzy and Finn again, and he was giving me the night I’d originally hoped for. He was replacing my bad memory with this one. I couldn’t speak for a long time as my mind slowly transformed that night, changing it, replacing it. Instead, he led me around the dance floor. And after a couple of dances, he moved my hand from his, placing it on his shoulder like my other hand. It was a simple gesture, but it brought our bodies closer together. Not only that but it was also intimate. Like we were two lovers dancing together…just what Finn kept teasing about…just what my friends recommended.
I thought about it…I really did, but I pushed the thought away. I couldn’t go there with him, but for one night, just one night, I could imagine a different reality for myself. A reality where Finn hadn’t broken my heart. And we were here together. I gave in to my desire to have my fantasy be my life, and I allowed myself to enjoy my night with him.
When I did that, I found that Finn’s charm was endearing. That he was kind to others. That he knew how to speak to people around him in a way that made them want to keep hearing him. He knew a lot about a ton of different subjects, and he knew how to joke and laugh. In other words, he’d made himself at home with every person who came to talk to us or who I introduced him to.
He held my elbow like I needed to be led. He held my waist like I was his. He stayed by my side the entire time. He was a better date than any other date I’d had for one of these things.
I felt calm with him, safe, secure. Gone was the anxiety, replaced with an ability to actually enjoy myself and the evening.
But that was all that this was…that was all this could be.
Here, at this dance, in this little bubble, we were two different people. But once we left the ballroom, life would come slap us in the face, and we’d be back to Eliza and Finn.
Except…it didn’t happen.
“My car is this way,” Finn told me after the night was over, and we practically stumbled out.
“Don’t worry about it,” I told him. “I’ll just catch a cab.”
“That’s dumb,” he said with a teasing smile. “Come on.” I shrugged. Reality could wait just a little longer.
“How far?” I asked. “Because my feet are killing me,” I admitted.
“Not far, but wait,” he said as he suddenly hoisted me up, carrying me in his arms.
“What the…what are you doing?” I asked.
“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m carrying you to the car.”
“I can see that, but why?”
“Because your feet hurt.”
“Oh.”
“No snarky comeback?” he asked with a smile.
“Just take it and shut up.” He barked out a laugh in response.
We made it to my place, both still in good spirits.
“That wasn’t so bad,” Finn said once we were in the car. “I pictured snobby people showing off tons of cash.”
“That can and does happen sometimes. But for the most part, people who come to these things actually give a damn.”
“I like that you care,” he told me, and I blushed. “You’re something else, Eliza. Really. I imagine this industry can change people, but not you. You’re still…good.”
“I…uh…thank you,” I said with a blush. “And thank you for coming tonight. You didn’t have to, and I didn’t expect you to. Hell, I’m pretty sure I brushed you off even when you offered. But still, you came. And that really means a lot. So, yeah, thanks.”
“I wouldn’t have left you hanging, no matter what,” he told me.
And suddenly, we were in front of my house.
“Here, I’ll carry you to your door,” he said once the car was stopped.
“Or, uh…you can carry me inside,” I said. The words were out before I even registered I was saying them. I had lied to myself when I said I’d leave the fantasy behind once I stepped out of the ballroom because I was still living it. I was still in my bubble, and I didn’t want to leave it. In fact, I wanted to give in. I wanted what Finn was offering. I wanted what my friends suggested. I wanted…well, I wanted Finn. Plain and simple. I wanted him.
So just to make it clear to him, but also to make it clear to me, I repeated my words. Except it was no longer a suggestion. It was a statement. “Come inside, Finn. Come inside.”
Finn
“I DON’T THINK I’m capable of turning around and walking out the door if I come in,” I told her.
She could have been inviting me for coffee or for a tour of her home, but we both knew she wasn’t. We both knew exactly what would happen the minute we walked inside. I’d wanted it for a while now, and Eliza’s body had wanted it for a while now too, but her mind…that was a different story. Her mind hadn’t been on board, and now that I knew the truth, I couldn’t blame her for hating that she wanted me…for hating me, period.
But this, tonight…I’d done what I had set out to do. I’d taken away the bad memories and replaced them with the good. And she knew I wasn’t that guy anymore. And she liked me—enough to invite me in.
That was my way of asking if she was sure. I wouldn’t waste time with idle chitchat once we walked through her door. I wouldn’t let her mind second-guess herself. She was mine. And I would show her that.
That was why I needed to know if she had any doubts before I walked through her front door.
“Then don’t,” she replied.
That was exactly what I wanted to hear.
I was out of the car, opening her door and scooping her into my arms, forcing a surprised yelp from Eliza before she even understood what was happening.
“What are you doing?” Eliza asked with a giggle.
“What does it look like I’m doing?” I asked.
“This feels like déjà vu,” she said with a smirk as I looked down into her face. “Clearly, you’re carrying me, but I ask for the second time tonight, why?”
“Because your feet probably still hurt,” I told her, which got a bright smile from her in return. “And also, this way is faster to get inside,” I added.
“Why am I not surprised?” She chuckled. “Okay, carry on,” she added just as we made it to her door. I set her down long enough for her to find her keys in her purse and unlock it.
I had us through the door in mere seconds. The light was flipped on, her purse was discarded somewhere on the floor, and we closed the door behind us using our bodies. Her back was pressed against it as my arms came up on either side of her head.
She was caged in, and from the way her pupils dilated, and her breaths suddenly became shallow, she liked it. Damn if I didn’t like it too, but I liked her reaction that much more.
“I’m going to kiss you now, princess. And once I have a taste of your ruby-red lips, I won’t stop tasting you until my lips trail down your body, and I kiss every inch. I want to savor every part of your skin until you cry out my name as you come. Is that alright, princess?”
