I'll Never Stop, page 15
I was just getting in my car to start looking in other places when Eliza walked up.
Relief flooded me, and I ran to her. “Thank God,” I said as I reached her, but she took a step back, halting me in my tracks. Something was definitely not right. I was trained to figure out uncertain situations. I was trained to add things up when others couldn’t. I was trained to read people and my surroundings. But right now, I couldn’t do any of them. I’d never been in a place like this.
“Eliza?” I asked, suddenly noticing the stone expression on her face.
“I know.” Two words. Two simple words. But that was all it took for me to understand what had happened. I knew what was coming, and I was powerless to stop it. I was about to lose her. I was about to lose her because of the truth. My heart squeezed inside my chest, aching with my impending heartbreak. And I finally felt what Eliza had felt all those years before. Destroyed.
Eliza
“YOU USED ME,” I told Finn. “You used me because you needed me.”
“No!” he yelled with conviction. Too bad I now knew every word was a lie. He could take his conviction and shove it. “It wasn’t like that,” he said, taking a step toward me. I took another back.
“What are you?” I asked. He didn’t answer. “What are you?” I screamed. “Who the hell are you?” My anger trumped my pain, my agony.
He sighed, his shoulders dropping a little, his stance and his tone full of defeat as he muttered three letters.
“FBI.”
All it took was three little letters to confirm I was right. To confirm I’d been played. To confirm I’d been humiliated once more. To confirm I’d been used as a plaything, a toy. Something to get an outcome.
I’d walked out of the building with a smile plastered on my face. It had been there since the moment my friends arrived. If I was being honest, it had been there far longer. I was falling for Finn. I’d finally realized that after this weekend. Maybe I’d already fallen for him. Or maybe I never fell out of love with him. After all, he’d been the reason behind the course my life had taken. So he was never too far from my mind, maybe buried in the back, but still there. The difference this time was that he had earned his place in my heart.
He’d well and truly changed from that callous, selfish boy he’d been.
And he was something else. He was the stuff romance books were made of. Hot, sweet, caring with a dirty mouth, and let’s not forget the way he moved in bed.
I’d spotted him talking on the phone. He seemed a little upset, frustrated maybe, but I got that way sometimes when I talked to the big bosses. I didn’t think anything of it, but as I approached, I stopped when I heard my name. I couldn’t help it. I crept closer to eavesdrop.
He was so engrossed in his conversation that he hadn’t heard me approach, or maybe he did, but he assumed I was just a passerby.
“No, Eliza isn’t a distraction,” he said. “This is just fucking harder than it should be.” Pause. “They don’t meet up as much as they used to because I’m here now. And when they do, it’s not like he talks about his fucking business,” he said angrily. “Clark, I have been looking. Shit, you think I don’t sneak off to his fucking office every time we’re at the agency. What do you want me to do? Break into his home?”
I didn’t like the sound of this conversation. I didn’t like it at all. I didn’t like my name associated with this, and I sure as hell didn’t like what it sounded like Finn was talking about.
“We’ll get him, Clark. He has a trail somewhere leading to the money he’s stolen. I’d bet anything it’s on his computer, encrypted. We just need to hack it. And then we can give all the people he stole from justice. We’ll finally nail Dorian.”
I gasped before I covered my mouth.
My first thought was that it couldn’t be true. Dorian had changed in the past few years, sure. He’d gotten a little cockier, a little flashier, even a little harsher. But he couldn’t be stealing. He just couldn’t. Or could he? I needed to find out.
I backed away slowly before I was far enough away that I could run. Dorian wasn’t in the office today but had a laptop and desktop. I didn’t bother sneaking into his office. I just walked in, shutting the door behind me. No one would ask why or care. I was his trusted friend, and as one of his oldest and most loyal clients, or maybe his most naïve, I had access to his computer. It took me less than five minutes to access a folder with his mom’s name. Maybe it’s because I knew the way he used to think, or maybe it was a gut instinct, but lo and behold, right there, in black and white, was the truth. I’d heard right. Dorian had changed more than I could have ever imagined. And guess who was one of his victims? Dumb, naive me.
And Dorian had been so sure of himself that he hadn’t even bothered to shut me out or make it harder to find the information. Or maybe he’d had so little faith in my snooping abilities. Either way, I’d printed copies of everything before I sat back in his chair. Then, and only then, did the true realization dawn on me.
Finn Bahan used me. Finn Bahan, the man I lov…no, that fucker, that motherfucker. He played me. He used me. He got close to me for this…he became my friend, my lover…for this, just for this. He tricked me with nice words and bullshit promises, he fed me lies to be near me…for what? Not for me. No, not for me…stupid, stupid Lizzy Smith. Humiliated once again.
I was angry above all, but slowly, the pain, the anguish I’d felt all those years ago crept in. The betrayal…oh God…the betrayal was worse this time around…I gasped, choking on a sob as my tears came rushing out of me. “Oh God,” I cried out loud. “Not again. Not again,” I repeated as I cried. High school all over again. Who was laughing this time? Finn? His boss? Dorian? Who else? Who else was in on this cruel joke? How much more could I take? How much more did I deserve? “Why?” I whispered to the empty room as I held my stomach, the sobs too much.
“No,” I said out loud. “No, no more tears. You don’t deserve them,” I said, referring to Finn. “You don’t deserve my agony, my pain. You don’t deserve to see me break down again. Fuck you, Finn Bahan. I hate you.” I gave myself a pep talk while drying my eyes with a tissue from Dorian’s desk. “And I’ll never stop.”
After drying the last of my tears, I took a few minutes to gather myself and made my way toward Finn. He was in the first place I looked.
“Here,” I said as I handed him the file folder. “It’s all in there. Everything you were looking for,” I told him, my words cold, my demeanor even colder.
“How?” he asked. He wasn’t asking how I got the file. He was asking how I knew.
“I overheard you,” I said, my voice like stone. I was losing ground, but I kept telling myself that he didn’t deserve to see me break over and over in my head. “I finished my meeting early and came looking for you. You were so busy talking to your boss, you didn’t hear me approach.”
“Eliza,” he started, his face portraying pain. Too bad it was a lie. Too bad the pain I felt didn’t compare to the mocking pain he tried to show me. I was suddenly bitter, my anger steeling me.
“Don’t,” I said. “You were using me.” My pained expression was back as I said the words out loud, but I kept my back straight and my voice even. It took a lot for me to keep from breaking down. I was holding on by a thread, my rage keeping me steady.
“Why? Why?” I repeated, but this time, my voice cracked. I paused, taking a breath, but it did nothing to calm me. “You used me!” I screamed. “You played me, took advantage of me…all so you could get information on Dorian.”
“No!” he yelled back. “I didn’t use you. Not like that. I didn’t know who you were. You needed a bodyguard, and I needed a way in. It was a win-win. I didn’t expect to fall for you Eliza, but I did. I love you.” A cheap ploy. A disgusting ploy. But more than that, a heartbreaking ploy. I would have loved to hear those words just an hour before. And I probably would have said it back. I hated him, I did. But I also loved him. Love didn’t disappear just because you didn’t want to feel it. Just because your heart was broken and bleeding right before your very eyes. It was there, beating, begging, hoping…to be loved in return. He was reading me, using me…telling me what he thought I wanted to hear just to get out of this. I couldn’t hold the tears in much longer. This…this was my true breaking point. I breathed in again, getting a hold of myself once more.
I scoffed at him, at his words, at his cruelty. “If this is love, I want no part in it.” I shook my head sadly. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…well, it looks like I’m an idiot once again. Bravo, Finn. You broke me once, but I picked myself up. Congrats on breaking me again,” I said as I turned to leave.
He grabbed my arm, forcing me to turn back and look at his beautiful face, his lying face, his shameless face. I ripped my arm free, tears glistening in my eyes as I struggled to keep them at bay. The minute I would be free of Finn, I knew they’d come…in waves.
“All the evidence you need is in that file. Dates, times, bank transactions. He didn’t used to be like this, but he’s changed these past few years. Guess now I know why. As one of his first clients, back before he turned into this, I have access to all his files. It’s called trust, Finn. Look it up, learn it, it could do you a lot of good.”
“Eliza, please, let me explain.”
“Explain what? How hurting me in high school wasn’t enough? You decided you needed to do it again. You used me. You led me on, got close to me, and made me believe all your lies so you could get this,” I said, my voice full of disgust as I pointed at the file in his hands. I’d broken now…the pain, the anger, the betrayal…it was all too much. And the tears had broken free too. They fell down my cheeks, slow and steady as I spoke. I couldn’t do this anymore. I couldn’t take being near him, feeling this way. I didn’t deserve it. I shook my head, dismayed at myself for falling for his lies again. “All you ever had to do was ask. All you had to do was ask, and I would have given you what you needed. Now you have it. I don’t ever want to see you again.”
And then I ran off, hiding once more from Finn. I cowered in the corner as the tears overtook my body. All because of love. If this was love…well then, I hated love too. And I’d never stop.
Finn
I TOOK LEAVE. I had to.
Eliza wasn’t taking my calls, she wasn’t opening her door to me, and she’d holed up in her home for the next two days, canceling all her meetings and appointments. No, I didn’t use my position to find that part out. I used my charm. I called the assistant at the agency who took care of her scheduling and essentially gave her a high-level version of the truth. There were some things I still couldn’t discuss, ongoing case and all. She was a romantic and was rooting for me.
“Win her heart, and her mind will follow,” she told me. If only it were that easy. Eliza’s heart had been the one shattered.
As soon as Eliza walked away from me, I was stunned. More than that, I was broken. I’d been afraid she’d leave me if she knew the truth, and she did. But she’d left for different reasons. In my head, I thought she’d be pissed I lied to her. The reality was she thought I’d used her. In a vague way, I had. She was my in with the agency and a way to get close to Dorian. The truth was, we’d been staking him out for a while and heard his pleas for her to get a bodyguard as well as her refusal.
We might have played a small role in scaring them enough to get the ball rolling quicker. But her part in this didn’t really matter. She could have been anyone Dorian was close to. We, or I, didn’t use her specifically. She was just the perfect way to get in.
And then it turned out she was just flat-out perfect…perfect in every fucking way…perfect for me.
I’d promised my life to my job, promised I’d put them above everything else. And I had up until this point. I’d been slacking since I’d met Eliza. And I sure as hell was torn right then and there on whether to follow her or to finally put a lid on this case.
Duty and logic told me I needed to figure this out first and then go to Eliza. I inspected the file, proud of everything Eliza had given me. Then I headed to Clark and handed him the file.
“It’s all there,” I said as I slapped it on his desk.
“You finally grew a pair and hacked his computer?” he asked mockingly.
“Eliza overheard us talking, got the info for me, handed it to me, and then told me she never wanted to see me again.”
“Ouch,” he said with a wince. “What are you going to do?”
“Take leave,” I told him. “I expect you’ll approve it?”
“Depends,” he said. “What are you going to do with that leave?”
“Win her back.”
He nodded. “All right, I’ll put the paperwork through.”
I walked out and headed straight to her home. I knew she was there, but she didn’t open her door. I stayed on her front step until night fell, then I moved to my car, waiting for a chance to have her hear me out.
She didn’t open the door, didn’t respond to my texts, and turned her phone off.
I knocked on her door again in the morning. Okay, fine, I pounded on it, calling her name over and over, desperate to hear her voice. I was determined, and that determination drove me, but deep inside, I was wrecked. I’d lost the woman I loved. But more than that, I was upset to know she was hurting. I could only imagine the way she felt. The strength it took to confront me, masking the agony she failed to hide.
My heart squeezed in my chest at the thought of her tears.
I began to worry when she still didn’t come out after lunchtime, which was when I found out her schedule. That meant I also knew what time she headed out the next day, and the day after, and each day that week.
So, what did I do? I showed up.
They say showing up was half the battle.
The first day, I stood on her front lawn as she pulled out of her driveway, not bothering to open her window even as she stared at me with cold eyes. It didn’t matter. I knew where she was going, so I just kept showing up at every meeting she had.
I did this the next day.
Then I did this on the third day.
I even brought her favorite snacks and drinks. I didn’t even speak. I didn’t ask her for her time, didn’t ask to have a minute. I didn’t even say hello.
It was a tactic I’d learned to use, technically on the enemy.
Eliza wasn’t my enemy, but right now, I was hers. We were at war, but I had the patience to wait it out until she had no choice but to surrender.
I would wear her down.
She ignored me outright, but I could tell being there day in and day out was getting to her, especially since I hadn’t so much as uttered a word.
“Do I need a bodyguard from my bodyguard?” she asked wryly on the fourth day as I stood beside her in the elevator. She’d gotten into the elevator, and I snuck in just in time for the doors to close and for her not to have time to exit.
“She jokes,” I said with a smile.
“What do you want, Finn? Why are you still here? Why do you keep coming to everything as if you’re still my bodyguard? Correction, as if you’re a real bodyguard?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” I asked.
“What? You need more information? Sorry, I gave you everything I could get my hands on. The rest is up to you.”
“It was more than enough,” I told her. “We have Dorian.”
She knew that. Everyone did. His arrest had made headlines. It wasn’t a quiet affair. And I knew the agency was in an uproar over it, trying to sort out their own financial mess. Dorian had been skimming money left and right, and yeah, even from his bosses.
“Then why are you still here?”
“Five minutes, Eliza. Give me five minutes, and I’ll explain everything.”
“There’s nothing to explain,” she told me. “You used me, you broke me, and I told you I never wanted to see you again. Yet here you are. Leave me alone, Finn. Leave me alone. Haven’t you done enough?” she asked, her voice cracking. “Haven’t you hurt me enough? What do you think seeing you every day does to me? You just can’t stop being cruel, can you? Leave me, Finn. Leave me to heal from the pain you etched into my heart…if I can this time around. But just…please, leave.” The elevator opened, and she walked out, leaving me standing there, stunned silent by the pain in her pleas.
I couldn’t stop…not until she knew the truth, not until she believed me.
If she didn’t want me, then...I’d…I was going to say I’d leave, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave her. I didn’t want to. I wanted her to look at me like she did just days ago—full of love not betrayal.
The following day, when I showed up at her place, she stopped the car as she backed out, rolling her window down. Her eyes glistened with the tears gathering in the corners of her lids.
“Why?” she asked, her tone full of sorrow.
“I can’t,” I told her, shaking my head. “I can’t leave you. Not until you give me a second chance,” I said.
“You don’t get it, do you?” she asked. “This was your second chance.” Then she rolled up her window and pulled out.
A fucking accident blocked the freeway the next day. By the time it started moving again, I knew she’d have left the house already, so I made a beeline to her first appointment. I parked and hopped out just as Clark called me. “Dorian made bail,” he said right away.
“What the fuck do you mean he made bail? How is that possible?”
“Scumbag lawyer, that’s how.”
“Fuck,” I muttered just as something dawned on me. “Eliza,” I said in a panic, hanging up and moving quickly to meet her, protect her.
I almost missed it, but there, off to the side of the parking lot, away from prying eyes, Eliza stood facing Dorian. I moved silently, not wanting to trigger him. Dorian was more than likely desperate, and seeing as he was here with Eliza, he’d probably figured out her part in this, or thought she was working with us, seeing as I was FBI, and he now knew it. Desperate people did desperate things, and I didn’t want to set him off. Eliza’s safety was my main concern.
