I'll Never Stop, page 10
“Why not?” Candice asked.
“Because he’s my bodyguard, Mom. He’s not my boyfriend.”
“Again, I ask, why not? He’s got a noble job, he’s polite, very good looking, and I can tell he likes you.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t like him,” she huffed.
“I’m becoming a broken record, Lizzy, but why not?”
“Because.”
“Because isn’t an answer. What’s there not to like about him?”
“I just don’t, okay? Drop it, Mom.”
“Nuh-uh, no way. Something is clearly going on, or you wouldn’t tell me to drop it. You know better than anyone that I will find out sooner or later, so you might as well tell me now and spare us both my pestering. Why don’t you like him?”
Yeah, Lizzy, tell us.
“Because… Because,” she repeated, and I heard her voice shake a little. “Because he hurt me,” she finally said the words, and her voice cracked as she said them. I was frozen in shock. I’d hurt her? How the hell did I hurt her?
“How?” her mom asked, and I listened closely.
“Remember when we lived in Pennsylvania?” Pennsylvania? When the hell did she live in Pennsylvania? “And I had a crush on some boy in ninth grade?”
“I remember. You never told me about him, but your dad and I always teased you about who made you have stars in your eyes,” her mom responded, fondness at the memories apparent in her voice.
“That was Finn,” she stated, and my body became paralyzed as my mind worked to understand her statement. Me, Finn? Me? What? How? That wasn’t possible. Unless…wait…my mind reeled back to a time I almost forgot, to a time when I wasn’t the same person...to memories my teenage mind didn’t care enough to dwell on, and my adult mind didn’t want to remember. I was a piece of shit then, I admit it, but I wasn’t now…but my past…oh, God no…don’t say it, Eliza. Don’t say it. Don’t let my past haunt me.
“I don’t understand,” her mom told her.
“He lived in Pennsylvania at the same time we did. Not only that but he also went to my high school. He was just as good looking, just as charming. All the guys wanted to be him, and all the girls liked him, myself included. I was young and silly, and I doodled his name in my notebooks even. Childish things, right?” she said with a mirthless laugh, and I already dreaded where this was going. “Except it wasn’t childish to me at the time, Mom,” she said, and I could hear the pain in her voice. “One of Finn’s friends told me he wanted me to meet him at the dance. Me, Mom. Me.” This time, her voice echoed the astonishment she must have felt then. “I couldn’t believe it. It was too good to be true, but his friend said he was impressed by my brain. I convinced myself it was somehow possible that my dreams were coming true. God, I was so pathetic,” she said, her voice cracking.
“No,” Candice interrupted her, but it didn’t matter. Nothing Candice said now would.
“I searched and searched for the perfect dress,” she told her. “Sam came over and dolled me up. I looked pretty, Mom. Really pretty. Me, plain Jane…looked pretty. And I felt pretty.” She talked with such passion, each emotion she felt at the time echoed in her words. I felt the happiness she felt at the time, how giddy she must have been, but her words were tinged with sadness because she knew how her fairy tale would end.
“Sam’s sister even drove me, wished me luck, and I walked into the ballroom ready to spend the night as Finn’s date. Except…” I heard the telltale sign of tears. She was reliving the moment, reliving the pain, and it was crushing her, stealing her words.
“Oh, baby,” her mom said, and I could hear the pain in her voice as well…and she didn’t even know what had happened yet. “What happened to make you cry like this?”
“Somehow, one of his friends got ahold of one of my notebooks and realized I had a crush on Finn. They played me, Mom,” she said through her sobs. “I walked into an ambush. Finn stood in the center, his arm around his real date, while he and his friends laughed at me. They all had pages from my notebook, pages with his name, with mine, with little hearts around us…and they were reading them, taunting me with my own stupid fantasy.”
“My God,” Candice said with a gasp.
“It was my fault for believing someone like him would want someone like me.”
“No, Lizzy, no,” her mom said sternly, and I heard the rustle of clothes as Candice drew Lizzy into her arms. I couldn’t look, but I pictured Eliza cradled in her mother’s arms like a small child, crying on her shoulder.
“You never told me this,” her mom stated.
“What was I going to say?” Eliza’s words were muffled, leading me to believe the image in my head was right. “That I was stupid for believing a guy like Finn would want me, for letting him and his friends humiliate me, destroy me, make me the laughingstock of the school? That I’d fallen into their trap, let them play a cruel joke on me without mercy, without shame, without care that they’d broken me? That I’d had my teenage heart broken by an asshole who couldn’t care less about my feelings? That I didn’t want to go back to school anymore?” She spoke through her tears, her voice full of self-hatred and disdain at what she thought was her stupidity, and above all that, anguish, pain, and even betrayal. I was numb and overflowing with untold emotions at the same time. She said the words I hoped she wouldn’t, the words I hoped wouldn’t be true, the words I hoped wouldn’t apply to her. But there they were, in black and white, my past haunting me…in the worst way.
“Sweetheart, no,” her mom said. “It wasn’t your fault. It was theirs. You were pure, and good, and your only fault was to believe others were too. Your heart was innocent, and you didn’t deserve that. You should have told me, baby. You should have told me so I could be there for you, Lizzy,” her mom started, and I couldn’t be there anymore.
I couldn’t handle hearing what her mom would say about me, knowing whatever words of comfort were coming next would be full of hate—hate that I deserved. I needed to leave. I needed to leave now before I broke…the way I’d broken Eliza.
I turned to leave when Eliza’s voice stopped me once more. “You know what’s the worst part?” she said to her mom.
“Worse than this?” A dagger to the heart…a well-placed, truthful dagger.
“He doesn’t remember me,” she said, her sobs echoing in the room, making them louder, more predominant. “He destroyed me, and he doesn’t even remember.” No…this was the dagger. And it was self-inflicted. It was true, painfully true. As if my past wasn’t bad enough…Fuck, I’d done this to her. Me. She didn’t deserve this back then…and she certainly didn’t deserve this now. To be forgotten…that might have even been worse than the actual attack my buddies and I had bestowed upon her.
So like a coward—just like the coward I’d been back then, I ran. Out the front door, down the driveway, along the sidewalk…and I didn’t stop until Eliza’s home—Lizzy’s home—was no longer visible.
It hadn’t been my idea, but I was all for it. I was an asshole back then, so Eliza was right to keep calling me that. Fuck. She’d been an innocent girl, but I’d been a douche who liked the feel of power. I barely knew her back then, hardly sparing her a glance. And then she was gone, disappeared like the wind, and I never thought of her again. I wouldn’t remember her, even if she had looked the same, but she didn’t. She wasn’t ugly back then, but she wasn’t especially pretty either. She’d been average. She just hadn’t gotten comfortable in her skin yet.
And her name…Smith was a common last name, so I hadn’t even thought twice about it. But Lizzy…maybe if I’d heard her called that the first time I met her, I would have at least registered the name. But now, even with her parents calling her that, she was my Eliza. I didn’t know her as anything else. And it would never cross my mind.
No wonder she hated me. Shit, I hated me. No, hate wasn’t strong enough. Right then, I loathed myself. How she looked me in the eye day in and day out without wanting to scratch them out of my face was a wonder to me. So professional, so poised, a true gem even then…and I’d been stupid enough to tarnish her gleam before I even knew how bright she could shine.
Like an epiphany, it hit me. That was why she’d taken one look at me and said no. It wasn’t because I was dangerous to her work ethic. I was dangerous to her mind…maybe even her heart.
If she only knew the extent of it…
I had to do something. I had to make it up to her. I had to get her to see I wasn’t that asshole anymore. I had to get her to stop hating me.
Because she deserved as much.
Because what I’d done to her, what I was doing to her, wasn’t fair.
Because I liked her.
Because I wanted her to like me.
Because I realized right then that I didn’t want just sex buddies. I wanted more. I wanted a lot more with Eliza. With Lizzy…whoever the hell she wanted to be, I wanted to be with her.
Eliza
“OH, LIZZY,” MY mom said as she stroked my hair, letting me cry into her chest as she cradled me like a small baby. I needed that. Maybe I’d always needed that. It didn’t matter how old a person got, they’d always need their mom, and they’d always be their mom’s baby.
I remember when I was a kid, and my mom would call me her baby. I’d tell her I wasn’t a baby; I was a big kid. She’d hug me tight and tell me, “You’ll be eighty years old and still be my baby.”
Just like right now. I needed my mother’s love and comfort. And hell, maybe I should have told her back then and let her rock me just like now. It was cathartic.
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” she told me over and over. When my tears had run dry, and I felt a little calmer, I straightened up.
My mom took both my hands in hers and looked at me with a mixture of despair and something akin to awe.
“I’m so sorry, my sweet girl. I’m so sorry you went through that,” she said, her voice strained with pain. I wasn’t a mom, but I knew enough to know it was jarring to a mother when you knew your daughter had been hurt and you had been powerless to stop it. Maybe that was another reason I hadn’t told her what had happened. I didn’t want her to feel responsible for her inability to keep those assholes from doing what they’d done to me.
“I wish you’d have told me. I wish I could have at least been there for you, let you cry in my arms.”
“You just did,” I pointed out.
“A little late, no, Lizzy? This has clearly eaten at you for all these years. But look at you. You’re so strong, my beautiful, brave girl,” she said, her anguish still apparent, but now I understood the awe I’d seen in her eyes. “They didn’t break you, Lizzy. They built you up into this amazing person. So many people could have easily been destroyed by what happened, but not you. Look at you; you shine. You’re a star. You showed them and anyone else who dared to laugh at you. You turned what had happened to you into an opportunity for success.”
“That was luck,” I told her.
“No one is handed luck. They’re handed opportunities. How you handle them is the lucky part.”
“You’re saying that if it weren’t for that humiliation, I wouldn’t be where I am today?” I asked, a little shocked.
“Every event in our life shapes the next event. You left that school in a hurry, but you found Anna. And now, I think I understand all the sudden changes in your appearance that year. You want to admit that those happened because of Finn and his friends, or you want to pretend they were a coincidence?”
“It was because of them,” I answered without hesitation.
She nodded. “You’re beautiful inside and out, Lizzy. But look where your outer beauty has gotten you. My baby girl is a famous model. Tell me they didn’t spur that decision of yours, even a little.”
“Not just a little,” I admitted.
“Glass half full, sweetheart. Think of your past like that.”
“So then what? I’m supposed to go thank Finn?”
“Oh no, no, no. That boy just went on my shit list. But also…he was a kid, Lizzy. A dumb teenage boy. Obviously, I don’t know him that well, but you want to tell me you think he’s the same person? Because I don’t. People grow. They change, and they become different people. Sometimes they become worse, but in Finn’s case, I think he became a better person. That doesn’t mean he deserves a thank-you. Nope, no, nope. And I think we should add a little extra pepper in his sauce too. What do you think?” she asked with a wink, causing me to chuckle a little.
“So then what’s your advice? What do I do about Finn?”
“I’m not pushing you toward him anymore, that’s for sure. And I’ll make sure your dad doesn’t either. But tell me, sweetheart, how did Finn become your bodyguard?”
“Dumb luck,” I answered. “He showed up one day. And he didn’t remember me.”
“You’ve changed. And your name is different too. So let’s give him the benefit of the doubt about that. But okay, he showed up, then what?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Why didn’t you fire him?”
“I tried,” I admitted, “but then I felt bad. I’m not that type of person. I wouldn’t jeopardize someone’s career, someone’s livelihood no matter how much I hated them.”
“That’s because we raised you right,” my mom said with a giant proud smile. “Is that really the only reason, though? You don’t think he’s changed? You don’t…I don’t know, maybe hold a special place in your heart for him?”
“No,” I responded. “No.” I shook my head.
“Okay. You know best.” I had a feeling my mom didn’t believe me. Too bad I didn’t believe me either.
We finished up dinner, and despite my mom’s suggestion, we didn’t spike Finn’s food. I headed up to wash up before dinner, but when I walked toward the stairs, Finn walked in through our front door.
“Oh, hey,” I said, a little surprised to see him coming in like that. I’d say his appearance had shaken me a bit, considering the conversation I’d just had with my mom, but that would be a lie. I’d gotten used to his constant annoying presence. Nothing could shake me anymore when it came to him, not even reliving one of the worst days of my life. “Where’d you come from?”
“I just needed to get some fresh air,” he said.
“You okay? You look pale, like you’ve seen a ghost,” I told him. I might hate Finn, but I wasn’t heartless, and he truly looked a little worse for wear.
“Yeah, yeah, just a little tired. Nothing a good meal and a good night’s rest can’t fix. I’ll go, uh, finish helping your mom,” he said and then headed toward the kitchen.
I didn’t know how my mom did it. Maybe she truly believed Finn had changed, but she managed to be polite during dinner, if not a little cold. Okay, a lot cold, but I didn’t even think Finn noticed because he was somehow even more charming.
He helped clean up after dinner, but at least I didn’t get a knowing look from my mom. Instead, she muttered something under her breath that sounded a lot like, “You better do more than clean up the dishes, buddy. You have a lot of other cleaning up to do.”
No one else heard her but me, but it made me smile.
We left early the next day, but something was clearly very wrong with Finn. Whatever had made him look so out of it before dinner the night before had clearly done a number on him because he wasn’t himself after that.
What did I mean? He was nice.
Don’t laugh. I was serious. Finn had swapped bodies with someone who looked and sounded just like him but was infinitely nicer. Okay, I’ll be honest, I was making it seem like the real Finn was mean. He wasn’t. He just was…period. I mean, aside from when he tortured me with his innuendos and frustrated the hell out of me. Otherwise, he wasn’t especially a bad person…now. Let’s not forget teenage Finn, okay?
But this stand-in version of Finn, this alien version, yeah, he was all about opening doors for me and pulling out chairs. Hell, he’d even shown up a few times at my house with my favorite coffee and a pastry from a boutique coffee shop near the office. That meant he’d gone out of his way to get it for me…three times. I repeat, three times in one week.
His bantering was still there in full force. His talk of chemistry and his cheesy ploys to get me to agree to some fun in the sack didn’t go away, but I had a feeling that was just ingrained in him. The frustration, though…that was down to a minimum. Didn’t push it. Just being himself around me was frustrating enough for me. But at least he didn’t push any buttons.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked after a week.
“Sure, why do you ask?”
“Because…something’s different about you. I don’t know how to explain it, but you’re acting differently.”
“Good or bad?”
“Neither, just different. It’s just…”
“You don’t know what to do with me anymore,” he said, finishing my sentence. I didn’t respond. He already knew that was the truth. “This is me, Eliza. I’m not any different from before, but I’m just tired of fighting with you. I love our back and forth, but the fighting? I’m over it. So here I am. What you see is what you get. I’m not a bad guy. You’d see for yourself if you got to know me.”
“Not a bad guy now,” I muttered.
“So, give in,” he said. “You know you want to.”
“Ugh, back to the sex talk.”
“No, well, yes, that too. But not in this case,” he said, and I think my mouth fell open. “I just meant allow yourself to get to know me, the real me. We spend all this time together, and all we do is run around because of your schedule or tease each other.”
“I know all I need to know,” I told him, walking away before he could answer.
“No, Eliza, you don’t. And I’m going to prove that to you,” he called out anyway, loud enough for not just me to hear but also the other people in the office. That conversation, though, was done…at least for then.
But I wasn’t done with it. He was messing with my head…still. As if that boy didn’t do it enough when I was a kid. He had to go and do it again now—in a different way.
