Finding Jessica Lambert, page 9
Anna nodded. “I like this too.”
She wasn’t sure if either of them were aware of their surroundings anymore. They kept on walking, Anna tingling where they met. She was in the comfortable bubble of Jess's arms, as if the world outside had faded and her conscience was filled with the exciting presence of Jess and nothing more.
Then her arm slipped down Jess's back and her fingers encountered naked skin beneath her jacket. It was as if everything was obliterated and all she could think of was the tenderness above Jess's belt. The human touch was debilitating in a most delicious way. She couldn’t have pulled away if she’d tried.
They walked on as if frightened to acknowledge the change, but it had happened. Suggestion and urgency were building in the air. That naked touch, at the small of Jess's back, the toned muscle relenting to supple skin around her sides that teased and promised greater delicacies beyond.
Anna had lost so much confidence, given up so many things, and all those years flooded out in yearning now. Anna’s whole body seemed to come alive, a liquid warmth filling her inside and rising through her torso. She was overcome with longing. She stumbled and her breath came shuddering out.
“Are you OK?” Jess said, reaching around to steady her. Her arms slipped around Anna’s waist and it was all Anna could do not to throw her arms around Jess's neck. She hadn’t come anywhere near this with anyone else. It wasn’t even a kiss and Anna was overwhelmed.
“Four years,” she blurted.
“Sorry?” Jess replied, gently.
“You asked me how long it had been? Earlier.”
Jess still didn’t respond.
“Since I had a partner. It’s been four years.”
“Oh,” Jess said. It was filled with sympathy.
“I…” Anna clutched Jess. “It’s been so long, I don’t even know how to start trusting anyone. It scares me. Letting go. Letting my vigilance down. I don’t know how to do it anymore.”
Jess held on.
“But I don’t want to be alone,” Anna said, and she failed to keep her voice under anything like control. “I’m sick of being by myself and detached from everyone.”
Jess's arms encircled her.
“I want to be touched again,” Anna murmured.
Her hand tingled where she touched Jess's back. She stroked her fingers around to her belly and the tenderness of Jess's stomach made her close her eyes with the intensity of the sensation.
“I want to be with someone.” She dipped her head onto Jess's shoulder, dizzy with the intimacy. The fragility of another human and their flesh against hers – she’d forbidden it and had forgotten how intoxicating it was. This moment had been building all night and day and she was consumed by it.
Then Jess tensed. All the warmth seem to evaporate, their bodies separated and the spell of longing disappeared.
Jess didn’t move and she stared into the distance.
“What is it?” Anna said, looking up at Jess's frozen face. “You have to go, don’t you,” Anna realised. “You have to leave.”
Chapter 15.
Jess stared at the canal bridge where the double decker bus had passed over so quickly that Anna hadn’t caught it.
Jess's hair and suit were very different, but there she’d been, plastered large across the side of the bus, hands on hips, chest jutting out, her organic black suit moulded to her toned physique that took two hours daily at the gym to perfect. Her prominent breasts were the subject of several hashtags and the intensity of her gaze a meme already. The character’s hairstyle had made it onto the streets and been photographed everywhere from a gay bar in Hamburg to Hong Kong.
Characters and threats leapt out from the twisting dark background of the poster. Jess played a hero that no-one knew they wanted until the first Atlassia film five years ago. Now they couldn’t get enough of her and the phenomenon had spilled into the mainstream. The larger-than-life image had towered above them for a moment. The posters were new, but how long until Anna caught one? No doubt they would be unveiled in every Tube station and on the side of every bus stop. Jess could feel the moment, this glimpse of the wonderful ordinary, slipping through her fingers.
What the hell was Jess doing? Anna hadn’t caught the image on the bus, and remained ignorant of who her companion was, and guilt and grief at the loss of the moment caved in Jess's belly. Why was she flirting with this kind and vulnerable woman? And it had gone beyond flirting now.
“I’m sorry,” Anna said, her face becoming stony. “I shouldn’t have said. I had no right to–”
“You don’t understand,” Jess said, clutching Anna on either side of her waist. “I have had the nicest day…” She gazed into Anna’s eyes, struggling to communicate everything she felt. “It’s been one of the best in a long while. Eating pancakes. Taking a walk in the park. Holding hands.”
It must have sounded so mundane to Anna, but for Jess each had been blissful. She could see hope drain from her companion.
“I’m not just saying that,” Jess said, hating to see Anna pale. “I haven’t had a better day for…years.”
Anna looked down. Jess could see all kinds of emotion flit across her usually controlled face: embarrassment, disappointment.
“My work,” Jess struggled on. “I move all the time. I’m told where to go and I have no control over any of it.”
It was on the tip of her tongue: I’m an actress. I’m famous. I can’t walk out the door without someone staring. I’m photographed at restaurants. I’m sent worn knickers in the post. I haven’t made a real friend in years.
But Anna would change, wouldn’t she? Jess couldn’t bear to imagine it. This tentative getting to know you would be blown away and replaced with the juggernaut of Jess's public persona and every preconception and expectation that came with it. She could picture the look that would take over Anna’s face – the false friendship, the deference, the awe that would evaporate with one failed film and Jess's descent into obscurity.
People always wanted something and not for the sake of her company. She was desired as an escort to a party for the cachet, to recommend a product in front of the media, for introductions to a director. Gone were the days when the price of friendship was simple camaraderie. Loyalty, support, enjoyment were a thing of the past. Favours, nepotism and guilt were the currency in Jess's circles and the duplicity of it all had her reeling with incomprehension.
She rarely understood when someone was flirting or buttering her up, the why of it all being further from her understanding. It was like a game to which everyone else knew the rules. It’s show business, they said.
But here was Anna, a woman who’d helped Jess for no other reason than help being needed. They hadn’t left each other’s side because they enjoyed their company, and sprinkled on top had been that magical thrill of attraction. The longing for these simple things, the stuff of everyday lives of millions of people, had eluded Jess for much of her adult life and she yearned for it with an ache that made her want to crumple into Anna’s arms.
It all sat there, building inside her chest, wanting to burst out, but she dreaded the consequence. The trouble was, Jess often didn’t know where to start and if she did she didn’t know when to stop.
If she opened up she wanted to tell the truth, the whole truth, about herself. That’s what open and honest Jess wanted. But that had gone badly wrong in the past. Why couldn’t she say something flippant – a half-truth like everyone else did, no matter how misleading? So she attempted a real truth.
“I can’t stay.”
Anna visibly sank before her, and Jess's heart ached.
“If my life was different,” she said, drawing Anna closer. She hesitated, trying to make sure it came out right. “If my life was different, I would be working up the courage to ask you on a date. I’d be standing here hoping you’d say ‘yes’. I would be wanting to kiss you and touch you and would take it as fast or slow as you wanted.” Her hands at Anna’s waist tingled with warmth and the temptation to pull Anna in. “But I’m never around. I shouldn’t be in London anymore. I’m leaving the UK on Monday, then Paris and Barcelona next week, and maybe back to Croatia. I don’t know after that.”
“What takes you away?” Anna said, quietly.
“Promotion,” Jess said. It left out a lot. The rest squirmed in her belly – words that would destroy this gentle to-and-fro of getting to know each other and end this piece of heaven. How much more time did she have? With Jess's ever growing popularity, how long until her face was known by every demographic, not only the youngest fans and those who’d grown up like Jess with the graphic novels on which the films were based.
She couldn’t speak and Anna didn’t ask any more.
“I should talk to my manager,” Jess said, resigned. “He’s probably going wild.”
Anna breathed in and composed herself, a slight smile lifting her face. She placed her hand on Jess's chest and Jess could feel the warmth of it over her heart.
“I would have said yes, you know,” Anna said.
“To what?”
“To a date.” She looked up at Jess with those beautiful blue eyes. “And to the possibility of more.”
Jess could have kissed her.
“But, you have to go,” Anna whispered.
“I do.” Jess hung her head.
And for a while neither could say any more. It seemed their meeting had affected Anna as much as it had Jess.
“I know nothing can come of this,” Anna said at last, “but would you like to come home? You could charge your phone. Make your call. I can give you some privacy on the balcony.”
Jess hesitated.
“I would like more of your company, while I can,” Anna said, all her refined composure restored but her words so filled with honesty it broke Jess's heart. Jess ached for a little more. Just a little bit longer before this small piece of heaven was extinguished too.
“I’d like that,” she murmured.
They turned towards the park and Anna’s home. Jess didn’t think she could bear the cold distance of walking apart and the relief was intense when Anna slipped her arm around her waist. They kept walking, the warmth buzzing between them, and every inch of Jess's body yearned with unfulfillable desire.
–
“Where the fuck have you been, Jess?” The deep voice boomed even on the phone. It was an understandable greeting given the circumstances.
“Hi, Femi,” Jess replied, amused but mainly resigned. She pictured him, sharp suit taut around his muscled arms, pacing with the phone against his ear.
“Have you any idea of the shit I’ve had over the last twenty-four hours?”
Honestly, she did have an idea and she didn’t envy him.
“A no show with the top host isn’t something I can clean up after.”
“Did they manage to get another guest?” she said, weakly.
“Yeah, course they did. Anyone, and I mean anyone, would kill to get on that show. The likes of Mirren would jump at the chance.”
“Oh.”
Jess peeked towards the balcony window, wondering if Femi’s voice carried that far. Anna sat outside, legs crossed and gazing across London, a cup of tea at her lips, apparently unperturbed.
“What the hell’s going on Jess? Where are you?”
“I’m, erm, at a friend’s.”
“What?”
“I’m in London, don’t worry.”
“Don’t worry? Don’t worry?! Have you any idea how many contract clauses you’re breaking.”
“No.” She shrugged.
“Well, neither do I, and I don’t even want to think about it.”
Jess had to laugh. Things were such a mess, she had to.
“It’s not fucking funny. Now, how quickly can you get ready? You’re meant to be in Manchester. Gina’s up there with all your stuff from the hotel. If we get you back on schedule the studio lawyers might not be quite so rabid.”
“Femi—”
“Then Matt’s going to meet you in Paris. He’s worried and frankly so am I. You can’t sink this film. They’ve already spent millions on the next.”
“Femi—”
“Get your arse in gear and get up to—”
“Femi!”
That had shocked him. There was silence on the other end, or at least only the background chatter from a café or street.
“I can’t,” Jess said. Anxiety didn’t rise or strangle. The situation was too obvious now and the calm of realisation and acceptance pervaded her tone. “I’m breaking.”
“What?”
“If I carry on like this, I’m going to collapse. I can’t soldier on.”
“But…what the fuck?”
Jess swallowed and took stock. “You can’t push me on this one.”
Far too many times she’d been persuaded by her agent, producer, Femi, everyone. Squeeze in this film. Take another sponsorship. A fashion show for a favour. She needed quiet, much more quiet, and she needed time. She was exhausted by years spent doing the things that drained her – publicity, socialising, disrupted routine – and small interludes no longer revived her.
“I’m burning out, Femi. I need a rest.”
“Not right now!”
“Then when?”
There was the background chatter again, but no Femi. “OK,” he said, more gently. “What’s going on?”
“You know publicity drains me,” Jess started. “I need to be on top form for interviews and being in public.”
“Yeah, I know, but this is part of the game, Jess.”
“It’s a part I’m not good at.” She hadn’t gone into acting for fame and adulation. If anything it was a deterrent. “It’s exhausting at the best of times and I’m already empty.”
“What do you need?”
“Time,” she gasped. “To see Mom and Dad. To do normal stuff again. Not live out of a suitcase, travel across the continent and come home to see my face plastered over everything.” Her hand trembled. “I’m sorry, Femi. I can’t help it. But if I carry on I will break and it will be a lot messier.”
She was impressed with her resolve. Her shy side was too often overruled by others with more confidence. Too often she believed them when they told her how she should be rather than how she knew she was, but her sojourn with Anna had given her perspective and clarity.
“OK,” Femi sighed. “Well… fuck.”
Jess laughed.
“It’s not bloody funny,” he said, but she could hear the smile in his voice. He wasn’t an insensitive manager. Far from it. It was why she’d chosen him. He was efficient, effective, but human.
“OK,” he said. “I’ve already cancelled several events, so you’ve got at least a couple of days. I’ll see what I can do about shuffling the rest.”
“Thank you,” she said. “I need it. But I’m going to have to take it slower in future too. I need more time to recharge.”
“Let me have a think,” he said. “Take a couple days while I sort this out. See your family and whatever. But I want to see you on Monday to chat face to face.”
“OK,” Jess said, relieved.
So, she had a couple of days respite at least. She sat on the end of the bed staring at her phone and the ludicrous number of notifications. She swiped to her apps and began removing them. All social media. Any messaging that wasn’t used by her family and colleagues. All news apps but one and the world was suddenly a quieter, safer place, for now.
“Are you all right?”
Jess looked up at the sound of Anna’s voice. She couldn’t help smiling at the elegant woman who stood before her with kind concern on her face.
“My manager’s bought me some time.”
“Good,” Anna replied.
“He’s cancelled my UK events. He said I should go and see my folks and meet him on Monday.”
“I’m glad. Sounds like you need to.” The entreaty to take care of herself made Jess long for Anna more. “You seem to miss them terribly.”
“I’ll take the train and drop in at home tomorrow.”
Anna nodded.
“Then Monday. I leave…”
They were silent, until Anna suggested, “So stay? For now?”
Jess opened her mouth to ask if she meant the night, but it was obvious. “I shouldn’t.”
“I don’t mean anything by it. It’s late. I know nothing can happen and I don’t think I could anyway.”
That almost broke Jess's resolve and she wanted to rush to Anna, hold her, kiss her and hope that Anna burned as much as she did.
“But if this is the only time you have in London,” Anna continued, “I’d like any you can spare.”
Whether Jess thought it a good idea or not, she couldn’t refuse. “I’d love to stay.”
They were quieter that evening. They watched the sun go down, the red orb sinking below the buildings and baking London golden. And when the light extinguished and the city glowed with street lights they remained on the balcony under a blanket listening to the sounds of the metropolis.
They ate takeout and when Jess was too tired for words, they listened to music from Jess's playlist and Anna’s antiquated CD collection, then laughed about everything and nothing until Jess fell asleep for a second time on Anna’s bed, this time cuddled up with Anna spooned in front of her.
When Jess got up, she brushed her teeth with a spare toothbrush, had a quick shower and took another pair of knickers and T shirt. Then, it was time to leave.
“So?” Anna said. That voice. Jess was going to miss it.
“So,” Jess replied.
Anna looked as if she brimmed full. Their meeting seemed to have left both of them raw and yearning for what they couldn’t have.
“Do you think you’ll have any time,” Anna asked, “before you leave England for good?”
“I don’t think so,” Jess said, full of regret. “If I did, this would be the first place I’d want to be.”
Anna attempted a smile.
“In that case…” Jess said.
“Yes?”
“Could I… you know… Is it all right… if I have your phone number?”
Anna laughed quietly. “Phone number?”
