Finding Jessica Lambert, page 34
At that moment she recognised a figure walking towards her across the square, tall and striking in her long winter coat, with the confident stride of a superhero, hair bouncing in curls on her head and a smile bright and wide. Anna couldn’t stop grinning as Jess approached, and she felt like a shy goofy teen when Jess stopped before her. They stood close enough to lean together and kiss, but stayed a fraction apart.
“Hi,” Jess said, and Anna could tell she was both as shy and eager as she was.
“You remembered,” Anna said.
Jess nodded. “Do you fancy it? Today? With me?”
“Very much,” Anna murmured, taking in every bit of Jess's beautiful face. She wanted to kiss every inch of it.
“Shall we?” Jess said, holding up her elbow.
Anna took Jess's arm, pulling her near and hugging it into her chest. Jess responded, gazing at her and holding her arm with a hand, the affectionate squeeze saying so much. Jess opened her mouth as if she wanted to say something and her chest heaved against Anna’s hand. Jess was so large a presence to Anna, it was as if she filled her whole world with light. She wanted to know every thought in Jess's head, reach up and stroke and explore every part of her body, hold her in her arms and never let go.
The words and thoughts seemed too many to say, and they both laughed as if their hearts were too full to acknowledge.
“Let’s go,” Anna said at last, pulling Jess a little closer, and savouring the glow where their bodies met.
Across the bumpy stone cobbles, over smoother paving, up the wide steps that ran the length of the Cathedral front. They dipped into the shadows of the entrance and the atmosphere changed immediately, from a slight fresh breeze of the spring day to the cool still space of the colossal cathedral. The sounds of the city fell away, replaced by the sonorous echoes of the cavernous interior surrounding them, people shuffling, talking, a door closing with a crack.
“It’s huge,” Jess said, and the words repeated sweetly down the airy nave.
Anna smiled. “Never been?”
“Never been.” Jess shook her head. “It must be over a hundred metres to the altar.”
They strolled along the generous nave, shoes clicking and echoing on the marble chequerboard floor that swept the length of the cathedral.
“Doesn’t this make you feel small?” Jess said, gazing up. “I mean that in a good way. Something as wondrous as this makes you appreciate how enormous and amazing the world is, and all your problems disappear for a moment.”
“I know what you mean,” Anna said, holding Jess close.
It was like they were walking in the park again, all those months ago, the two of them alone at last. Just Jess and Anna, removed from the complications of life, simply two people enjoying each other’s company.
“It’s bonkers,” Jess laughed. “Think how many people it took to make this thing. How long to carve a single block of stone for that arch?” And she pointed ahead and up, then, “Oh wow.”
The vast dome opened up above them as they passed beneath the high arch. Jess spun around, gazing up. A halo of light beamed high above from the windows in the dome with another glimpse of daylight further up again.
“That’s where we need to go,” Anna said, pointing to the ring at the base of the dome.
“Up there?” Jess squealed.
“That’s where the Whispering Gallery is.”
“How the heck do we get up there?”
The answer was up two-hundred and fifty-nine steps of stone spiral staircase, a fact announced by a small boy accompanying his mother in front of Jess and Anna and who was determined to verify the fact. Anna smiled as the boy counted, and they all climbed at a steady pace, Anna pulling on the cool iron rail that wound around the stone walls.
“Tired,” the boy complained, and they all rested a moment. “Naawww, I’ve forgotten what number I was up to.”
“One hundred and seventeen, mate,” Jess said.
The mother swung around. “Thank you,” she laughed. “Oh…”
Anna could hear the astonishment in the mother’s voice and see it on her shocked face. The woman did a double take at Jess and Anna only now realised that Jess had made no effort to disguise herself – no beanie hat or fashion glasses – and she seemed most like herself today.
“Oh…you’re…” the woman said. “Sorry…I’ll let you get by…”
“You’re OK,” Jess said. “We’re in no rush.”
“No, you must.”
She turned to Anna and her attention lingered. “Oh,” she said again in surprise at Anna this time. “Well, you’re….”
“Hi,” Anna said.
“Hi,” the woman replied, with a wave.
“Do you know them?” the boy asked.
“No, no, no,” the woman said. “They’re on the telly. Sorry, you really must go ahead.”
The young boy gawped at them both.
“Try not to stare, sweetpea,” the woman muttered, then she stared, at them both, expectantly, unremittingly.
At this point, Anna decided to take pity on the babbling parent and climbed past.
“Thank you,” Anna said. “Enjoy the Whispering Gallery.”
“Have a… have a day… nice,” the woman said as they went by.
“You too,” Anna said.
They continued on, the stairs circling endlessly round, Anna climbing in an easy rhythm with Jess by her side.
“Are you OK?” Anna ventured. “You didn’t wear anything to disguise yourself.”
“I didn’t want to hide anything today,” Jess said, squeezing Anna’s arm. “Sometimes people are lovely. Other times I will need to retreat and take a break from the world. But I wanted everything to be open today.”
Anna nodded. “To prove we can do it?”
“Yes,” she said.
They carried on climbing, the sound of the boy’s counting getting further away.
“I would give it all up you know,” Jess said quietly.
Anna stopped.
“I would quit acting, modelling, everything,” Jess said beside Anna, but staring ahead. “I would walk away from it all.”
“I don’t want you to do that,” Anna stuttered, conflicting thoughts and feelings swirling inside. “I know how much I missed it and this chance to act again has been everything to me. I’m not like my old self.” She had to stop and ponder. “I’m not who I used to be. I’m several years older and people change over time, but acting nourishes a part of me that I must keep alive. I don’t want to take that away from you.”
Jess wouldn’t look at her.
“Let’s at least try this,” Anna said. “Don’t give it all up yet.”
Jess turned to her at last. “I would though, if it meant it would keep us safe and together.”
The incessant counting of the small child broke through and they set off again, Anna’s heart thumping with more than the exertion.
They climbed on in a silence full of things not yet said. Jess slipped her arm around Anna’s waist, her company intimate and comforting, but she wouldn’t look at Anna. It was as if she were bursting with thoughts that she didn’t know how to articulate. Anna had to stifle her need to hear them, to give Jess time, and herself time. She didn’t know what she’d say to the turmoil that preoccupied Jess.
They broke out into light again, the dome expanding around them. Anna stepped across the walkway that circled around the inside of the dome and clutched the cold metal rail that ringed the cavernous space. It was impossible not to gaze up into the painted heavens of the dome, then down over the rail to the grand sweep of the cathedral floor far below. Anna gasped as her head swirled with vertigo and she stretched back to the walls of the dome and the circular stone bench that ringed the space.
She sat down, the coolness of the stone seeping through her coat and dress to her thighs. She curled her fingers over the smooth lip of the bench. It was all so vivid. The colossal space, the light, the echoes, the sensation of the hard unyielding stone beneath her, as if she really were there. And Jess, who sat beside her, her presence large and vital, her whole being exuding warmth.
They sat in silence as the boy and his mother walked past and round the gallery and a tour group filled the space with noisy chatter. One or two of them seemed to linger, perhaps recognising Jess, but they moved on and out of the gallery to climb further up the dome.
“I nearly gave it all up you know,” Jess said quietly, when they’d gone.
“When?” Anna said, turning to her surprised.
“When I arrived in London.”
Jess didn’t look at her. She wrapped her fingers around the edge of the bench, her hand touching Anna’s. Such a small amount of contact, their little fingers side by side, but it was like Jess in her entirety, almost as if Anna could feel the living pulse of her beside her.
“I was in a bad way. I’d pushed myself too far, or let others push. I'd had too many years on the road and not enough time to recharge and be quiet and exist as just me. I think I came very close to breaking down.”
She almost glimpsed at Anna.
“Then I met you.” Her hand nudged ever so slightly at Anna’s, as if craving contact and reassurance but afraid to take it in hers. “That weekend with you, of peace and ordinary life, in your apartment full of beautiful everyday things. That time, simply being together.” Her voice wavered. “If someone had said choose then, I would have chosen a chance with you.”
Anna didn’t know what to say. The urge to take Jess's hand and hold it to her heart and promise her everything was overpowering.
“What if we’re wrong?” Anna murmured. “What if it doesn’t work out? What if you’re hounded? Atlassia will be in the public consciousness constantly now it’s airing on TV.”
Jess hesitated. “I don’t have all the answers. I don’t think there is a right answer here. I can’t tell you the future and can’t guarantee happiness whether we’re in the public eye or not. But I can tell you what I feel.” And Anna could sense how much Jess wanted to hold her hand, her fingers edging over hers. “I don’t fall in love easily. I’m even careful about the friends I make. But I adore you.”
When Anna didn’t say anything Jess added quietly, “Our business doesn’t nurture relationships. If we don’t try, things will never work.”
Was it the confidence and recklessness of youth talking, that ability to dive in and risk all consequences?
Still Anna didn’t say anything.
“You know how people wait for all the signs to add up?” Jess ventured. “For all the right qualities to be checked before they know someone is right for them? Maybe they realise they like the same food, or laugh at the same jokes. Maybe it’s when they notice how good their partner is with kids. Sometimes that takes years, but with you it’s been like dominoes falling one after another.”
Jess turned to her at last. “You were kind,” Jess said. “That’s been so rare it blew me away. And sexy, I don’t know even where to begin with that.”
Anna couldn’t meet her eyes but knew she was smiling.
“I love how you tease me, even more than teasing you.” Jess held her hand at last. “I don’t know the last time I met someone I wanted to hang out with all day, every day, doing everything and nothing. You understand so much about me already, you read me so well and you’re open to learning more. And that’s before considering that you appreciate our work and the pressures we’re under. That counts for so much when it comes to supporting each other. I respect you as an actress. I’m in awe.” She squeezed her hand tighter. “My family are besotted and I might find them annoying at times but I trust their judgement when it comes to folk.”
Jess took a breath before carrying on.
“It took me a while to work out why you fit me so well, but I felt it right from the start. And when I say it out loud like this, I think, why wouldn’t I want to grab and hold onto this with all my strength.”
Jess squeezed her hand, then raised it to her lips, pressing a long kiss to Anna’s fingers that spoke of the depth of her feeling even more than her words.
Anna didn’t know if she’d been breathing and she inhaled sharply so that it juddered in her chest. She gazed at the young woman beside her, a young woman who threw her everything into her acting, who was dedicated to the creators and crew of the films, someone who stuck to her principles.
“You don’t do things by half do you Jessica Lambert?” Anna had meant to say it lightly, but the tremor in her voice gave her away.
Jess laughed gently. “No, I don’t.”
It hit Anna hard then, just how much Jess had become invested in her.
“So,” Jess said. “How about we see if this Whispering Gallery really works.”
Anna gulped at her reprieve, her chest still full of everything she felt.
“I read that you can hear someone whisper from the other side of the dome,” Jess said. “In fact words whispered into the curve of the wall are meant to travel better than anything louder. Want to try?”
Anna nodded, keeping everything inside that threatened to burst out.
Jess took a few steps around the circular walkway and leaned into the wall.
“Can you hear me?” she whispered.
Anna pressed her ear close to the wall. She nodded. She could see Jess from the corner of her eye only a few feet away. Jess walked a little further, curving around the dome and behind Anna’s view.
“How about now?”
Anna hoped Jess was looking because she couldn’t speak and she nodded again.
“I’m going to try from the other side.” Even with a whisper Anna could hear the excitement in Jess's voice and Anna began to smile.
She caught herself. This is what Jess did time after time for Anna, she made existence exceptional. A kiss had Anna floating on air. A tease brought her back to earth with deft tenderness. A compliment uttered without guile resonated deeply until her heart swelled with love. Everyday became magical again in her company.
As Jess walked further away, her footsteps curving around the dome, the truth of what she’d said settled deeper. Jess had blown Anna’s world open, but it scared her still. There were so many issues and traps in the road ahead. But when Anna considered turning away there were no other roads. Her conviction that this was the only road was suddenly overwhelming and Anna realised her heart had already made her choice long ago. It all came out at once.
“I love you,” she whispered, before she’d realised she was speaking.
She struck out her hand to the wall to steady herself, the smooth surface cool against her hand.
“I love you, Jess,” she uttered again, before she could stop herself.
Her heart cantered in her chest at what she’d done.
There was silence. Had Jess heard? Anna waited for a reply, perhaps in a whisper that slipped around the walls of the great building. But none came. She leaned towards the wall, her ear pressed to the stonework. Nothing, but the beat of her heart, the distant shuffle of tourists far below in the cathedral and fainter again traffic in the world beyond.
Then footsteps, not from below, or from the stairs. Louder they came, then quicker, into a run, and Anna turned to see Jess rushing around the walkway and sweeping down to her.
In a fluid movement Jess embraced her, drawing Anna to her feet and taking her lips into a sensuous kiss that obliterated everything else.
“Take me home,” Anna gasped.
Chapter 53.
The temptation to indulge in stolen kisses in the back of the taxi home was torture, but pictures would appear in the media the next day. Their embrace and kiss in the Whispering Gallery was probably already online.
Anna trembled with expectation and the words she’d said. They’d given her release and freedom but she shook at their impact. She could feel the same excitement and need through Jess's fingers as they climbed the steps to her apartment.
Anna lowered the blinds, her fingers clumsy on the controls, willing them to shut faster, and the flat was dimmed into diffuse spring sunshine. She hurried to Jess who was waiting eagerly by the bed.
“Take these off,” Anna murmured, pulling at Jess's coat lapels, then hungrily slipping her fingers around Jess's belly and lifting her T-shirt, her soft skin against Anna’s tantalising. Jess crossed her arms and lifted her T-shirt over her head and Anna stared at her chest, her bright white bra contrasting with her beautiful brown skin.
Jess didn’t wait there though, she’d already unhooked her bra and was slipping it away and Anna blushed, staring at the shape of Jess's naked upper body. She so badly wanted to touch her, to stroke her fingers around the gorgeous shape of her breasts, to trace the definition of her nipples, but Jess was at a disadvantage.
Anna slipped off her coat, throwing it to the chair, and unzipped the side of her dress.
“Help me please,” she said, tugging at the dress, for the first time not wanting to hide any of herself.
Jess hesitated, perhaps wondering if Anna was sure, then carefully pulled the garment over her head. Jess was as unsubtle as she was. Anna could feel her gaze taking in her body.
“And this,” Anna said, reaching behind to unclasp her bra and Jess, trembling, lifted the straps from her shoulders and threw the underwear down. Anna could hear Jess's breathing, see her whole body lifting with excitement.
“These too,” Anna said, dipping her fingers underneath the waistband of Jess's jeans, the warm sensuous flesh there so tempting she almost collapsed to her knees to kiss her. The combination of firm fit physique and that layer of softness that Jess had made Anna’s head spin. She undid the button and as Jess reached for her underwear they both carefully removed each other’s clothes, their breasts so very close to touching.
Then they were naked and the warmth between their bodies was dizzying. Anna reached up and slipped her arms around Jess's neck and slowly stepped in to her.
