Finding Jessica Lambert, page 22
Penny had opened her mouth but no words came out.
“I’m thinking all kinds of things right now. Please could you tell me what’s going on?” Anna said, clutching her hands together.
At last words came from Penny. “I hoped she’d told you.” They were quiet words. Awful words.
“Told me what, Pen?” Anna said, her agitation growing.
“I know why she hasn’t. I can understand, but–”
“Just bloody tell me,” Anna spat.
Pen drew herself up with a deep breath. “That is her on the radio. She’s Jessica Lambert.”
“The woman from the Atlassia films that you’re mad about?”
“Yes.”
“An actress?”
“Yes.” Penny sank lower with every answer.
Anna sat stunned. The chill had made her body numb. Even her head tingled with creeping dread.
“Are you telling me I’ve been seeing one of the most high-profile movie stars of the moment?”
“Yes.”
“And everyone,” her voice broke, “and I mean everyone has known, except me?” Her voice was getting louder, but she couldn’t stop.
Penny was looking down. She couldn’t meet Anna’s gaze. “Yes,” she said, almost inaudible.
Anna stood up and turned away, her arms wrapped around her instinctively. Why hadn’t Jess told her? Why had she hidden it when she must have known everyone else realised?
“You must think that I’m a colossal idiot,” Anna said in one breath before the humiliation and anger in her chest had a chance to erupt.
“No, nothing of the sort.” Penny’s voice was charged with hurt, but Anna couldn’t stop.
“Good god. Did Zehra know? Have you all been laughing behind my back?”
“No, she didn’t realise,” Penny said quickly. “She had her suspicions but didn’t twig who she was so I left it.”
“But didn’t you think it pertinent to tell me?” Anna swung round, hot tears swelling in her eyes.
Pen flung her hands onto her head. “Oh god. I didn’t know what to do. She’s seemed like the best thing to happen to you in years.”
“What?” Anna spat in disbelief. “Letting me fall for someone who would remind me of everything I’ve lost? When I find it profoundly difficult to trust anyone, I fall for someone who can’t even tell me the truth about who she is. Really? Is that the best thing that’s happened to me? Because it’s sounds pretty shit at the moment.”
Just when she was starting to feel normal again, as if she was re-entering the world to enjoy life, to trust people and be free again.
“Why didn’t she tell me? How the hell did I not know?”
Pen looked sheepish.
“Have I become that out of touch?”
“You avoid everything about theatre and film. I’ve watched you, when we’re on the Underground, you never even look at the posters. I burble on about films and TV and hot actresses all the time, but you never really listen.”
Ouch.
“Jess said she didn’t realise how far things would go,” Penny said, an earnest and fearful look on her face. “I believe her. It sounds like she was at the end of her tether and needed a break and you were the only person in London who could help her – as a human, not a superstar. I think she genuinely needed a break, and then–”
“For christ’s sake, Pen. I didn’t recognise her because I’m a reclusive middle-aged woman who’s letting life pass her by and who is oblivious from being too fucking scared to go out and trust anyone.”
And the rage that had been building all day flamed through Anna until her face flushed red.
“I know I know I know I know,” Penny murmured with her head in her hands. “But I think she’s genuine about you. She seems nice, nothing like I’d expected. I assumed she was some lucky brat who’d made it big. I’d never seen her interviewed – avoided it so I wouldn’t hate her – but she’s lovely.”
Anna didn’t want to hear it. “I’m a bloody fool.”
“Anna you mustn’t–”
“I spent days with her, letting her in. I…” Anna hugged herself feeling suddenly more vulnerable. “I slept with her and I had no idea who she was.”
“God, I understand, I really do, but please try and see it from her point of view. She didn’t realise you’d been an actress and it would be an issue. You hadn’t told her that either.”
“There’s a difference to once having been an actress, which might come up in conversation one day, and being the mega movie star of the moment.”
“I know.” Penny had her hands up. “But I don’t think she meant to hurt you.”
Penny talked on, but Anna didn’t hear anymore. She replayed meeting Jess over in her head. It made sense now. A hounded superstar. Everyone’s attitude on the Tube. Jesus, people must have been taking photos. Anna was probably in several all over the Internet. Already wounded from meeting her mother, she wanted to curl up in a ball and block out how ridiculous she’d been.
“Did you laugh?”
“What?” Penny said, timid.
“When you met her? When I was out of the flat? Did you have a good chuckle when you met your crush and about how I had no idea?”
“Nothing of sort,” Penny said desperately. “We both felt god awful about the situation.”
“Well, how nice that you had each other for comfort.”
“Please, Anna. This isn’t like you.”
“What isn’t?” Anna said, glaring at Penny. “Being stupid. Not being able to inhabit the world you do? Being so oblivious and out of touch that I fail to recognise one of the most famous actresses and fall for her. Tell me, exactly what am I meant to be like? Because, I don’t know any more. Who am I now?”
Penny sagged. “I didn’t know what to do. Neither of us did.”
Anna looked up when she heard a quiet whimper from the other side of the room. It was followed by a louder cry.
“Oh Bibs, darling,” Penny said, getting off her seat and rushing to the toddler. “Don’t worry sweetheart. Everything’s OK.”
But it wasn’t.
“I’m sorry, Bibs,” Anna said, the anger still tight in her voice. “I think you’d better go,” she said to Penny, her tone harsh. “I don’t want to upset her.”
Penny picked up the girl and brought her over. Anna swiped at her eyes and sniffed. She could barely cope with Penny in this close proximity. She wanted her gone.
Anna gritted her teeth. “Sorry, lovely girl,” she said as gently as she could. She clasped Bib’s small hand and brought it to her lips. “I love you, sweet pea. I’m upset about something but you’ve done nothing wrong and I’ll see you soon.”
Anna had to turn away, unable to face her friend.
Chapter 34.
Anna locked the door, pulled down the blinds and curled up on the bed, simultaneously seething and protecting herself from the world. But as the light faded and night fell, a part of her still craved Jess.
She had called and Anna left the phone unanswered, replying later with a curt message of feeling unwell. She used every excuse not to see her the following days, busy at work, emergency with Bibs, all true to an extent. She avoided Penny but babysat Bibs, the handover at the door stiff with unresolved issues.
Anna threw herself into work, accepting a heavier schedule with extra classes at the office and even booking a one-on-one session as a favour to an old RSC pal and director to fill her schedule. Anna didn’t want a minute free to think about Jess. Except at the same time she was hungry with curiosity about the mega movie star.
She sat at the kitchen island one evening, the orange beams of the setting sun glowing through the windows. She closed her eyes. It was impossible to reconcile her impression of Jess with the actress that Penny had lustfully regaled for years or the earnest young woman on the radio who been drowned out by a screaming crowd, or the voice that Anna caught on an advert that purred and ended with a coquettish laugh.
Jess had seemed so down to earth. Real. Anna had known more than her fair share of high-paid, high-profile actors and they were a varied bunch, phenomenal egotists to surprisingly ordinary folk, but none had been as vivid as Jess. She could be quiet one moment, then exude life and vivacity the next. Her connection to her family was so wonderfully ordinary and extraordinary at the same time and Anna recalled Jess so completely that it was like she was in the room. Then she evaporated as Anna tried to superimpose the young star who Penny said was currently plastered over every billboard in London.
Anna called up a search on her phone. Jess had apparently been acting from the age of seventeen. That was young. There were plenty of younger child actors who travelled with their parents, but Jess had left school and home to be on set – quite a transition. She read on, of Jess's stratospheric rise to fame over the next seven years and the demon of envy and tantrum-toddler of hurt got the better of her and Anna stopped reading the article.
Besides, it seemed wrong to be researching Jess, without her knowing that Anna could. Then the humiliation would burn through Anna again and she would remember all the time she spent with Jess not knowing who she was and she went to bed, her body in knots.
She had an early start the next morning on a Shaftesbury Avenue that was filled with freezing fog and a theatre she’d frequented many times as an actress and audience member. She hadn’t visited since leaving the profession and took a taxi to the front door where she hesitated, wishing she hadn’t been so eager to fill her schedule and accept this reminder of her old world.
She stood in front of the building, her breath billowing in the cold air, the theatre exactly the same as she remembered – the grand canopy that circled the building, the row of double doors with brass handles into the foyer, even the weight of the door and the force with which it swung out of her hands and closed behind her. She remembered it all with reverence and a sadness washed over her as she stepped inside. The theatre might be the same, but how changed Anna was since last being here. And for a moment she was unsure of herself in a new way. She’d become accustomed to her fears and limitations and her new identity as voice coach – the Anna who scurried home at night. But here she was, on her old turf, something she would have abhorred not so long ago.
She’d changed and was in flux with Jess's entry into her life, tempted out of her existence but into what? She was floundering with the revelation of Jess's fame but also uncertain of her own place in the world.
“Darling!” came a voice.
It was dark inside the foyer and Anna took a moment for her eyes to adjust and make out the small figure who marched towards her, arms outstretched.
“I am so pleased to see you again,” Deborah, the director, said. “It’s been far too long.”
Anna held on to her shoulder bag with one hand and reached to hug her old friend with the other. When Deborah leant away she clung to Anna’s shoulders and gazed at her.
“How are you, my dear?” she said, concern written on the older woman’s features.
“I’m well, thank you,” Anna said with a smile.
“I feel god awful for not keeping in touch.”
“Please don’t. I know what it’s like. I imagine you’ve been busy.”
“Goodness, yes.” Deborah hesitated. “And how’ve you been, since…?”
“OK,” Anna said, nodding. “Busy with coaching,” she added, avoiding the obvious.
“Good”, Deborah said. “You know, you come highly recommended.”
“Really?” Anna didn’t need to politely query this. She knew how well received her tuition was.
“And, actually, once your name had been mentioned with your change of career, I remember how much you used to informally tutor on stage. Do you remember that production of Much Ado in Stratford? Such fun that play. Almost ruined by that Ryan fellow. I can’t believe how many extra rehearsals you did with him, just so the man could wrap his tongue around Shakespeare. I vowed never to work with big film stars after that, but,” she sighed, “here we are.”
She released Anna’s shoulders and took her arm and turned towards to the auditorium.
“I also trust your discretion.” Deborah chuckled. “The number of people in this business I think are here solely for the gossip is staggering, but I always remembered your respect for others above everything else.”
“I always hoped they would repay the favour,” Anna replied.
“Oh, darling, I never had you down as a fool.”
Anna flinched. It would have been amusing another day. “I didn’t say that I expected it to be true.”
“Very wise, dear.” They sauntered towards the doors that led into the stalls. “Anyway, I’d like to make use of your coaching skills and your discretion please.” Deborah paused. “I’ve had another damn celluloid wonder foisted on me. Not without talent, but the girl’s never been on the professional stage and when this place is packed to the rafters no-one will be able to hear a thing.”
“OK,” Anna nodded. “Understood.”
“At least her voice has some oomph so you have plenty to work with. It’s not a hopeless case by any means. But good god she needs some work. But I’d prefer that this remained on the QT please. We need bums on seats and that’s the reason she’s here.”
Anna nodded.
“No doubt you’ve heard of her. She seems to be everywhere at the moment. Can’t say I’ve seen the films but everyone talks of nothing but Jessica Lambert.”
Anna almost tripped.
“Sorry?” Anna stuttered. “Did you say Jessica Lambert?”
“You have heard of her, haven’t you? Not been hiding away that much surely?”
“No… I… Yes, I know her.”
The warmth had drained from Anna’s body and her heart thudded in her chest.
“Would you like to start?” Deborah pointed towards the doors. “She’s waiting on stage.”
“I…” Anna was reeling from the news. How the hell had this happened? Anna hadn’t read anything to suggest that Jess did stage work. What was the film star doing on Shaftesbury Avenue?
“Are you OK?” Deborah said, peering up at Anna.
“Could you give me moment please,” Anna said, struggling. “I could do with the loo before we begin.”
“Of course. Shall I get you a cup of tea as well?”
“Please,” Anna gasped.
She put her hand out for support and her fingertips found the velvet wallpaper that had plastered the interior for decades and she made her way round to the toilets and automatically turned right into the ladies. The room of cubicles was empty and she leant on the long marble top of basins and let her head drop.
She wasn’t ready for this. She still didn’t know how she felt. There were so many conflicting issues, but the anger was always there and it flamed up again. Why the hell was she in this position?
Then she wanted to go home, lock all the doors, avoid this humiliation, build up the walls and not set foot beyond her carefully controlled world again and pretend she’d never met Jess.
But none of that was fuelled by anxiety. She blushed with anger and embarrassment but it wasn’t fear. She shook her head. She wasn’t going back in her box again. She was not going to be set back by anyone else ever again.
She glanced up at the mirror and at the image there. Blonde, almost shoulder length hair with a slight wave now she’d let it grow a little, brighter eyes since she’d indulged last week in having her eyelashes and brows tinted. What did Jess want with this woman? The woman Anna was no longer sure of. This woman who looked quite frankly enraged.
Jess had unexpectedly turned up in her life, enticed her beyond her usual boundaries, charmed and filled her heart then loved her body like it had been craving for years, and Jess was on stage a few metres away. Anna could feel the pull of her presence and the warmth that sensation always gave her. She mentally batted the compulsion away. How could she know anything about Jessica Lambert and what she wanted?
Anna looked at the woman in the mirror again. Right now, she didn’t even know who she was.
The question was, did she want to find out?
Chapter 35.
Jess milled about the stage, waiting for the director and their morning session. She muttered lines and paced across the stage, trying to keep warm in the old theatre where the ancient heating was shuddering into action and struggling against the frost outside. Deborah had gone to receive a friend who was going to assist in today’s training after the director had torn out her hair at Jess's inability to reach the gods.
The door at the back of the stalls whispered open and shushed back and forth several times before it settled shut. A woman in a dark tailored dress and coat had entered and something about the figure’s walk immediately alerted Jess. She tried to peer around the columns to the rear of the stalls. Strawberry blonde hair. Careful elegant stride. With every familiar step, Jess's heart sank.
The woman climbed the steps onto the stage, left her shoulder bag on the table set aside for scripts and coffees, removed her gloves, pinching one finger free at a time, and only then did she turn to face Jess, her face pale and eyes icy.
“Anna,” Jess whispered.
Jess's whole body was leaden with dread. It was as if the entire building was collapsing upon her.
Anna took several slow deliberate steps forward, each accompanied by a click of her high heel on the stage. She stopped within touching distance but her stance invited no such intimacy – chin tilted up, shoulders rigid, hands beside her hips with a single finger twitching.
“So, you’re Jessica Lambert,” Anna said, her voice colder than the chilly auditorium.
Anna already knew. With desperate realisation Jess's mouth fell open and all she could do was stare at the striking woman who appraised her with such disdain.
“I…” Jess couldn’t get the words out. She’d been practising for days, all kinds of approaches and scenarios, over and over. None had been ideal. No explanation could appease. Every day Anna’s excuses gave Jess more time to prepare, while she tried not to agonise over why Anna couldn’t see her. But here Anna was, and she already knew, which made it ten times worse.
“I’m thinking all kinds of things right now. Please could you tell me what’s going on?” Anna said, clutching her hands together.
At last words came from Penny. “I hoped she’d told you.” They were quiet words. Awful words.
“Told me what, Pen?” Anna said, her agitation growing.
“I know why she hasn’t. I can understand, but–”
“Just bloody tell me,” Anna spat.
Pen drew herself up with a deep breath. “That is her on the radio. She’s Jessica Lambert.”
“The woman from the Atlassia films that you’re mad about?”
“Yes.”
“An actress?”
“Yes.” Penny sank lower with every answer.
Anna sat stunned. The chill had made her body numb. Even her head tingled with creeping dread.
“Are you telling me I’ve been seeing one of the most high-profile movie stars of the moment?”
“Yes.”
“And everyone,” her voice broke, “and I mean everyone has known, except me?” Her voice was getting louder, but she couldn’t stop.
Penny was looking down. She couldn’t meet Anna’s gaze. “Yes,” she said, almost inaudible.
Anna stood up and turned away, her arms wrapped around her instinctively. Why hadn’t Jess told her? Why had she hidden it when she must have known everyone else realised?
“You must think that I’m a colossal idiot,” Anna said in one breath before the humiliation and anger in her chest had a chance to erupt.
“No, nothing of the sort.” Penny’s voice was charged with hurt, but Anna couldn’t stop.
“Good god. Did Zehra know? Have you all been laughing behind my back?”
“No, she didn’t realise,” Penny said quickly. “She had her suspicions but didn’t twig who she was so I left it.”
“But didn’t you think it pertinent to tell me?” Anna swung round, hot tears swelling in her eyes.
Pen flung her hands onto her head. “Oh god. I didn’t know what to do. She’s seemed like the best thing to happen to you in years.”
“What?” Anna spat in disbelief. “Letting me fall for someone who would remind me of everything I’ve lost? When I find it profoundly difficult to trust anyone, I fall for someone who can’t even tell me the truth about who she is. Really? Is that the best thing that’s happened to me? Because it’s sounds pretty shit at the moment.”
Just when she was starting to feel normal again, as if she was re-entering the world to enjoy life, to trust people and be free again.
“Why didn’t she tell me? How the hell did I not know?”
Pen looked sheepish.
“Have I become that out of touch?”
“You avoid everything about theatre and film. I’ve watched you, when we’re on the Underground, you never even look at the posters. I burble on about films and TV and hot actresses all the time, but you never really listen.”
Ouch.
“Jess said she didn’t realise how far things would go,” Penny said, an earnest and fearful look on her face. “I believe her. It sounds like she was at the end of her tether and needed a break and you were the only person in London who could help her – as a human, not a superstar. I think she genuinely needed a break, and then–”
“For christ’s sake, Pen. I didn’t recognise her because I’m a reclusive middle-aged woman who’s letting life pass her by and who is oblivious from being too fucking scared to go out and trust anyone.”
And the rage that had been building all day flamed through Anna until her face flushed red.
“I know I know I know I know,” Penny murmured with her head in her hands. “But I think she’s genuine about you. She seems nice, nothing like I’d expected. I assumed she was some lucky brat who’d made it big. I’d never seen her interviewed – avoided it so I wouldn’t hate her – but she’s lovely.”
Anna didn’t want to hear it. “I’m a bloody fool.”
“Anna you mustn’t–”
“I spent days with her, letting her in. I…” Anna hugged herself feeling suddenly more vulnerable. “I slept with her and I had no idea who she was.”
“God, I understand, I really do, but please try and see it from her point of view. She didn’t realise you’d been an actress and it would be an issue. You hadn’t told her that either.”
“There’s a difference to once having been an actress, which might come up in conversation one day, and being the mega movie star of the moment.”
“I know.” Penny had her hands up. “But I don’t think she meant to hurt you.”
Penny talked on, but Anna didn’t hear anymore. She replayed meeting Jess over in her head. It made sense now. A hounded superstar. Everyone’s attitude on the Tube. Jesus, people must have been taking photos. Anna was probably in several all over the Internet. Already wounded from meeting her mother, she wanted to curl up in a ball and block out how ridiculous she’d been.
“Did you laugh?”
“What?” Penny said, timid.
“When you met her? When I was out of the flat? Did you have a good chuckle when you met your crush and about how I had no idea?”
“Nothing of sort,” Penny said desperately. “We both felt god awful about the situation.”
“Well, how nice that you had each other for comfort.”
“Please, Anna. This isn’t like you.”
“What isn’t?” Anna said, glaring at Penny. “Being stupid. Not being able to inhabit the world you do? Being so oblivious and out of touch that I fail to recognise one of the most famous actresses and fall for her. Tell me, exactly what am I meant to be like? Because, I don’t know any more. Who am I now?”
Penny sagged. “I didn’t know what to do. Neither of us did.”
Anna looked up when she heard a quiet whimper from the other side of the room. It was followed by a louder cry.
“Oh Bibs, darling,” Penny said, getting off her seat and rushing to the toddler. “Don’t worry sweetheart. Everything’s OK.”
But it wasn’t.
“I’m sorry, Bibs,” Anna said, the anger still tight in her voice. “I think you’d better go,” she said to Penny, her tone harsh. “I don’t want to upset her.”
Penny picked up the girl and brought her over. Anna swiped at her eyes and sniffed. She could barely cope with Penny in this close proximity. She wanted her gone.
Anna gritted her teeth. “Sorry, lovely girl,” she said as gently as she could. She clasped Bib’s small hand and brought it to her lips. “I love you, sweet pea. I’m upset about something but you’ve done nothing wrong and I’ll see you soon.”
Anna had to turn away, unable to face her friend.
Chapter 34.
Anna locked the door, pulled down the blinds and curled up on the bed, simultaneously seething and protecting herself from the world. But as the light faded and night fell, a part of her still craved Jess.
She had called and Anna left the phone unanswered, replying later with a curt message of feeling unwell. She used every excuse not to see her the following days, busy at work, emergency with Bibs, all true to an extent. She avoided Penny but babysat Bibs, the handover at the door stiff with unresolved issues.
Anna threw herself into work, accepting a heavier schedule with extra classes at the office and even booking a one-on-one session as a favour to an old RSC pal and director to fill her schedule. Anna didn’t want a minute free to think about Jess. Except at the same time she was hungry with curiosity about the mega movie star.
She sat at the kitchen island one evening, the orange beams of the setting sun glowing through the windows. She closed her eyes. It was impossible to reconcile her impression of Jess with the actress that Penny had lustfully regaled for years or the earnest young woman on the radio who been drowned out by a screaming crowd, or the voice that Anna caught on an advert that purred and ended with a coquettish laugh.
Jess had seemed so down to earth. Real. Anna had known more than her fair share of high-paid, high-profile actors and they were a varied bunch, phenomenal egotists to surprisingly ordinary folk, but none had been as vivid as Jess. She could be quiet one moment, then exude life and vivacity the next. Her connection to her family was so wonderfully ordinary and extraordinary at the same time and Anna recalled Jess so completely that it was like she was in the room. Then she evaporated as Anna tried to superimpose the young star who Penny said was currently plastered over every billboard in London.
Anna called up a search on her phone. Jess had apparently been acting from the age of seventeen. That was young. There were plenty of younger child actors who travelled with their parents, but Jess had left school and home to be on set – quite a transition. She read on, of Jess's stratospheric rise to fame over the next seven years and the demon of envy and tantrum-toddler of hurt got the better of her and Anna stopped reading the article.
Besides, it seemed wrong to be researching Jess, without her knowing that Anna could. Then the humiliation would burn through Anna again and she would remember all the time she spent with Jess not knowing who she was and she went to bed, her body in knots.
She had an early start the next morning on a Shaftesbury Avenue that was filled with freezing fog and a theatre she’d frequented many times as an actress and audience member. She hadn’t visited since leaving the profession and took a taxi to the front door where she hesitated, wishing she hadn’t been so eager to fill her schedule and accept this reminder of her old world.
She stood in front of the building, her breath billowing in the cold air, the theatre exactly the same as she remembered – the grand canopy that circled the building, the row of double doors with brass handles into the foyer, even the weight of the door and the force with which it swung out of her hands and closed behind her. She remembered it all with reverence and a sadness washed over her as she stepped inside. The theatre might be the same, but how changed Anna was since last being here. And for a moment she was unsure of herself in a new way. She’d become accustomed to her fears and limitations and her new identity as voice coach – the Anna who scurried home at night. But here she was, on her old turf, something she would have abhorred not so long ago.
She’d changed and was in flux with Jess's entry into her life, tempted out of her existence but into what? She was floundering with the revelation of Jess's fame but also uncertain of her own place in the world.
“Darling!” came a voice.
It was dark inside the foyer and Anna took a moment for her eyes to adjust and make out the small figure who marched towards her, arms outstretched.
“I am so pleased to see you again,” Deborah, the director, said. “It’s been far too long.”
Anna held on to her shoulder bag with one hand and reached to hug her old friend with the other. When Deborah leant away she clung to Anna’s shoulders and gazed at her.
“How are you, my dear?” she said, concern written on the older woman’s features.
“I’m well, thank you,” Anna said with a smile.
“I feel god awful for not keeping in touch.”
“Please don’t. I know what it’s like. I imagine you’ve been busy.”
“Goodness, yes.” Deborah hesitated. “And how’ve you been, since…?”
“OK,” Anna said, nodding. “Busy with coaching,” she added, avoiding the obvious.
“Good”, Deborah said. “You know, you come highly recommended.”
“Really?” Anna didn’t need to politely query this. She knew how well received her tuition was.
“And, actually, once your name had been mentioned with your change of career, I remember how much you used to informally tutor on stage. Do you remember that production of Much Ado in Stratford? Such fun that play. Almost ruined by that Ryan fellow. I can’t believe how many extra rehearsals you did with him, just so the man could wrap his tongue around Shakespeare. I vowed never to work with big film stars after that, but,” she sighed, “here we are.”
She released Anna’s shoulders and took her arm and turned towards to the auditorium.
“I also trust your discretion.” Deborah chuckled. “The number of people in this business I think are here solely for the gossip is staggering, but I always remembered your respect for others above everything else.”
“I always hoped they would repay the favour,” Anna replied.
“Oh, darling, I never had you down as a fool.”
Anna flinched. It would have been amusing another day. “I didn’t say that I expected it to be true.”
“Very wise, dear.” They sauntered towards the doors that led into the stalls. “Anyway, I’d like to make use of your coaching skills and your discretion please.” Deborah paused. “I’ve had another damn celluloid wonder foisted on me. Not without talent, but the girl’s never been on the professional stage and when this place is packed to the rafters no-one will be able to hear a thing.”
“OK,” Anna nodded. “Understood.”
“At least her voice has some oomph so you have plenty to work with. It’s not a hopeless case by any means. But good god she needs some work. But I’d prefer that this remained on the QT please. We need bums on seats and that’s the reason she’s here.”
Anna nodded.
“No doubt you’ve heard of her. She seems to be everywhere at the moment. Can’t say I’ve seen the films but everyone talks of nothing but Jessica Lambert.”
Anna almost tripped.
“Sorry?” Anna stuttered. “Did you say Jessica Lambert?”
“You have heard of her, haven’t you? Not been hiding away that much surely?”
“No… I… Yes, I know her.”
The warmth had drained from Anna’s body and her heart thudded in her chest.
“Would you like to start?” Deborah pointed towards the doors. “She’s waiting on stage.”
“I…” Anna was reeling from the news. How the hell had this happened? Anna hadn’t read anything to suggest that Jess did stage work. What was the film star doing on Shaftesbury Avenue?
“Are you OK?” Deborah said, peering up at Anna.
“Could you give me moment please,” Anna said, struggling. “I could do with the loo before we begin.”
“Of course. Shall I get you a cup of tea as well?”
“Please,” Anna gasped.
She put her hand out for support and her fingertips found the velvet wallpaper that had plastered the interior for decades and she made her way round to the toilets and automatically turned right into the ladies. The room of cubicles was empty and she leant on the long marble top of basins and let her head drop.
She wasn’t ready for this. She still didn’t know how she felt. There were so many conflicting issues, but the anger was always there and it flamed up again. Why the hell was she in this position?
Then she wanted to go home, lock all the doors, avoid this humiliation, build up the walls and not set foot beyond her carefully controlled world again and pretend she’d never met Jess.
But none of that was fuelled by anxiety. She blushed with anger and embarrassment but it wasn’t fear. She shook her head. She wasn’t going back in her box again. She was not going to be set back by anyone else ever again.
She glanced up at the mirror and at the image there. Blonde, almost shoulder length hair with a slight wave now she’d let it grow a little, brighter eyes since she’d indulged last week in having her eyelashes and brows tinted. What did Jess want with this woman? The woman Anna was no longer sure of. This woman who looked quite frankly enraged.
Jess had unexpectedly turned up in her life, enticed her beyond her usual boundaries, charmed and filled her heart then loved her body like it had been craving for years, and Jess was on stage a few metres away. Anna could feel the pull of her presence and the warmth that sensation always gave her. She mentally batted the compulsion away. How could she know anything about Jessica Lambert and what she wanted?
Anna looked at the woman in the mirror again. Right now, she didn’t even know who she was.
The question was, did she want to find out?
Chapter 35.
Jess milled about the stage, waiting for the director and their morning session. She muttered lines and paced across the stage, trying to keep warm in the old theatre where the ancient heating was shuddering into action and struggling against the frost outside. Deborah had gone to receive a friend who was going to assist in today’s training after the director had torn out her hair at Jess's inability to reach the gods.
The door at the back of the stalls whispered open and shushed back and forth several times before it settled shut. A woman in a dark tailored dress and coat had entered and something about the figure’s walk immediately alerted Jess. She tried to peer around the columns to the rear of the stalls. Strawberry blonde hair. Careful elegant stride. With every familiar step, Jess's heart sank.
The woman climbed the steps onto the stage, left her shoulder bag on the table set aside for scripts and coffees, removed her gloves, pinching one finger free at a time, and only then did she turn to face Jess, her face pale and eyes icy.
“Anna,” Jess whispered.
Jess's whole body was leaden with dread. It was as if the entire building was collapsing upon her.
Anna took several slow deliberate steps forward, each accompanied by a click of her high heel on the stage. She stopped within touching distance but her stance invited no such intimacy – chin tilted up, shoulders rigid, hands beside her hips with a single finger twitching.
“So, you’re Jessica Lambert,” Anna said, her voice colder than the chilly auditorium.
Anna already knew. With desperate realisation Jess's mouth fell open and all she could do was stare at the striking woman who appraised her with such disdain.
“I…” Jess couldn’t get the words out. She’d been practising for days, all kinds of approaches and scenarios, over and over. None had been ideal. No explanation could appease. Every day Anna’s excuses gave Jess more time to prepare, while she tried not to agonise over why Anna couldn’t see her. But here Anna was, and she already knew, which made it ten times worse.
