Finding Jessica Lambert, page 18
“Well,” Deborah said, deigning to speak at last. She removed her glasses. “Your projection is appalling.”
Jess couldn’t fault her for that. The difference between her and Jonathon was vast.
“But…”
There was a but. At least there was a but and Jess's heart skipped a beat.
Deborah fixed her with a scrutinising gaze. “You have a naturally strong voice and good range. And after a very shaky start where I feared you’d actually glued yourself to the floor, you have a stage presence which is,” she breathed in deeply, “emerging, if I’m being generous.”
Jess tried very hard to keep her eyebrow from twitching but must have failed.
“Ms Lambert,” the director snapped. “People pay over a hundred pounds to see this play. They won’t take kindly to a substandard performance and neither should they.”
“A hundred quid?” Jess said, surprised.
The director leaned back in her seat. “That might be a pittance to you, but it’s a much anticipated treat for people although it’s the better off who are more likely to crucify you in reviews.”
“That’s not a pittance to me.” Jess shook her head. “I think I can count on my fingers the number of my possessions that cost that much.”
“Really?” The director tutted.
“My phone. Shoes. Winter coat.” Jess thought hard. “My suitcase, but that was a gift. Outfits are hired for me for public events, when fashion houses don’t want me to model their clothes. Otherwise, there’s not much else apart from what you see. Music, books, all on my phone. I live out of a suitcase and I don’t want it to be a large one.” She shrugged.
The director was still considering Jess over her glasses.
“Ms Lambert,” the director sighed, “your frugality is commendable, but I’m sure you are comfortable after your blockbuster series and other lucrative roles.”
“Jess. Please call me Jess.”
Deborah hesitated again. Jess smiled, realising she was wearing down the director by a process of congenial attrition.
“Jess,” the director sighed. “As you can see I’m not sure what to make of you. But...”
Jess held her breath.
“With some specialist help and a lot of work, I believe we can make something…passable.”
And Jess couldn’t help laughing out loud.
Chapter 28.
Jess could see Anna. She could see her every single day if they wanted. Jess was hurrying up town, her heart in her mouth and the kind of smile that made her feel stupid with happiness lifting her face.
Jess couldn’t remember being this excited about anything since the first Atlassia film and this meant something deeper. She was jangling with nerves from the audition and trepidation about performing professional theatre, but none of this compared to the anticipation of seeing Anna again. And properly this time. There was an opportunity to get to know each other now that she had weeks rather than hours in London.
She paused to get her bearings. She’d wiggled her way through the small streets of Soho without even thinking and she pulled out her glasses and hat as she noticed people staring from cafés. She picked a long narrow street towards Regent’s Park and put her head down, the smile creeping across her face again.
What would she say? Jess mulled it over. “I’ve got a role. In London. I can stay.” She imagined Anna happy and cupping her face and gracing her with another of those heavenly kisses. It would be wonderful.
But then, Jess's heart fluttered, she would have to sit her down. “I’m an actress, some would say movie star. In fact, almost everyone calls me a movie star, apart from me.” Jess shivered with nerves at the thought of telling Anna. How would she take it? Would Anna change? Would her face be overcome with avarice like Jess had seen many times, with hunger for all that Jess's fame could do for her. Jess couldn’t imagine it. Of all the expressions on Anna’s face that she’d seen, and Jess appreciated again exactly how expressive it was, she couldn’t imagine that. Greed for money, fame and attention? No, Jess shook her head, that wouldn’t be Anna. Jess sometimes got people horribly wrong, but knew Anna well enough for that surely.
In fact, wasn’t disappointment more likely? Despite Anna being more confident and outgoing than Jess, she was still reclusive and her reticence showed a private person in many ways. Would Jess's noisy fame be intrusive and daunting? Would it be an aspect, no matter how unwelcome Jess made it and avoided it, that was too much for Anna? Jess hesitated at a road as her heart skipped a beat. This scenario was much more likely and for a moment all her hopes dropped down a chasm of anxiety. She stared at the road ahead of her, fearful that her confession would ruin her future with that exceptional woman.
She had to do this. Jess shook her head and walked on. No matter the outcome, Anna had to know. If this was going to be more than an encounter with a kind stranger and a night of passion, and it already felt like so much more, then Anna needed to know and Jess broke into a jog, eager to see her.
As she turned up the street past Zehra’s towards the flat, she was early again. She must have run most of the way across town and arrived an hour ahead of when she’d said. She reached for the buzzer, hopeful that Anna was ready to see her in any case.
She pushed the button and the door clicked unlocked without Anna querying and Jess dashed up the steps taking them two at a time. The flat door was already ajar when she reached the top floor and she burst in.
“You were quick. Did you come back for your keys?” said a voice, which in retrospect didn’t sound anything like Anna’s. In fact it had an Irish lilt to it if Jess had stopped to think about it. And when she saw the short, full-figured woman, with flaming red curls, it did in fact sink in.
“Holy shitting fuck. Who the hell are you?” said the flaming woman.
“Whoa!”
“Jesus.”
“Where’s Anna?”
“You’re not Anna.”
“Shit.”
“What the hell?”
“I’m really sorry, I thought Anna was here.”
“This is Anna’s flat.”
They both seemed to take a breath at the same time and the room descended into silence as they stared wide-eyed at each other. The impasse was broken by a loud, but at the same time diminutive, belch and they both shot glances to the sitting area where a small child was sat cross-legged on the rug, glugging a large sippy cup of orange juice.
“What do we say?” the red-head said.
“Pardon,” replied the toddler.
Jess returned her wide-eyed gaze to the effervescent woman with larger still eyes.
“I…I…I’ve come to see Anna.” Jess suffered a second’s worth of absurd panic thinking she had the wrong building and walked into an entirely random flat. But this was Anna’s. And the red-head did look familiar. In fact Jess had an image of her happily inebriated and hoisting two Champagne bottles in the air.
“Penny?” she offered.
“Oh Christ, are you Jess?”
“Yes.”
“Jesus. You’re early.”
“Sorry, I…” Jess patted awkwardly for her hat, for reassurance that it was on her head. Nothing about Penny’s reaction hinted at recognition, in fact so far it was plain hysteria at an anonymous intruder.
“Anna’s going to be livid. Well you know, decorously miffed, being Anna. She said I had to scarper before you arrived. Haven’t you heard of calling or something? You frightened the living shit out of me.”
“The…. Baby…”
“The baby’s mine, aren’t you Bibs darling?”
“I mean…” Jess had been worried about the onslaught of expletives. The child, Bibs it turns out, looked unperturbed. “I’m sorry,” Jess managed.
“Well, now that my heart rate is climbing down from way-too-frigging-high, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Penny stepped forward with a naughty grin on her face and a pale freckled hand thrust forward. “I kind of wanted to see you,” she said with a giggle. “Who am I kidding? I was desperate to meet you. Anna’s told me so much about you.”
When did that ever put anyone at ease, Jess wondered.
“You have definitely put a smile on Anna’s face,” Penny continued.
Jess's jaw dropped in response.
“Keep your knickers on. She hasn’t dished the dirt,” Penny said, arm still outstretched. “She didn’t need to. That kind of smile says it all.”
That wasn’t in any way reassuring.
“Anna’s going to kill me.” Penny sniggered. “But I think it’s wonderful that she’s been having a fling.” And at last she stood directly in front of Jess.
Jess gulped and lifted her hand to Penny’s, the greeting unavoidable. Penny grabbed Jess's hand and gave it a vigorous squeeze.
“Pleasure to meet you Jess…?” Penny raised her eyebrows in question.
Jess raised hers, also in question. “Oh,” Jess said, realising Penny was querying her surname.
“Oh,” Penny repeated. “Jess Oh. Penny MacFarlane.” And Penny squeezed Jess's hand doubly hard.
“No, I mean,” this wasn’t going to plan in any conceivable way, “that’s not my surname.”
“Oh?”
“No it’s not Oh.”
“Oh.”
“Oh god.”
“What is it then?”
Jess stared, her desperation no doubt wearing itself plainly on her face. She wasn’t the best at hiding her feelings at any time and Jess hadn’t had time to think through the ultimate way to reveal her movie star persona to Anna, but she was pretty sure telling her best friend first was not the perfect scenario.
She kept staring. And Penny’s eyebrows kept rising. And Jess stared some more. And Penny tilted her head. All until a penny seemed to drop for Penny and her expression plummeted in a frown. She studied Jess and leant closer, a fraction at a time, so that she loomed.
“Have we…? Do I know….?”
It felt like the walls were drawing in. Penny tugged her imperceptibly nearer while peering through Jess's glasses, closer and closer. The room froze and Penny stood like a statue, except her eyes which were now growing and growing, wider and wider. And her mouth. Oh this was going to be loud. Her mouth was widening into a gaping tunnel. Jess's shoulders started to rise, in a ludicrous attempt to cover her ears, but here it came. Oh no. Oh no no no.
“Sweet Mary and Joseph and Christ on a bike. You’re…. You’re…”
Oh god.
“You’re Jessica fucking Lambert!”
Shit.
“Jessica Lambert! Anna never said… I’m holding hands with Jessica fucking Lambert!”
“Hi,” Jess grinned, or more bared her teeth and tried not to exude extreme stress. “Nice to meet you.”
“Holy mother of….” Penny was gripping her hand hard. “Wow. You look really…Wow. Honestly. I wondered if it was all the makeup and everything they do in post-production these days, but you look sensational.” Penny, very unsubtly, checked Jess up and down and from side to side at chest level.
“Wow,” Penny said again.
Jess tried to keep a grip on Penny’s hand that shook up and down with great gusto.
“But, Anna never said. I mean,” Penny prattled on. “Was it a secret? How on earth did you two meet? I can’t believe it. I’m such a mega fan of the films. Seriously, I’m sure Anna’s said. But….” Penny frowned. “I’d never thought in a million years she’d go for someone–”
“I’m sorry to interrupt, but where is Anna?” Jess said, her shoulders around her ears.
“She had to pop out a sec. She left her keys so I just buzzed you in. But, Jessica Lambert!”
“Please,” Jess begged in a whisper, “Could you speak a little quieter?”
“What?” Pen said, not at all quieter.
“Could you perhaps, you know, stop shouting my name?”
“Of course. But, sorry. Jessica Lambert! This is so exciting,” Pen said in a whisper so loud Jess considered calling the Guinness Book of Records. “I can’t believe Anna’s done this. Although I’m going to kick her arse for keeping it a secret, or at least take the piss out of her for forever.”
Jess's arm distinctly ached and she grabbed the hands that had been in motion a good minute now and firmly brought them to rest.
“Could you perhaps,” Jess grinned painfully, “could you perhaps stop saying my name altogether?”
“Of course. Sorry. I bet you get exited fans doing this all the time.”
“Yeah, no, indeed, but–”
“Of all the people.” Pen shook her head. “Anna’s a lot further along than I realised. This is so healthy of her.”
Jess wrinkled her nose, losing Pen again, but shook her head to refocus. “I need to ask a favour,” she said, her insides tying up in guilty knots.
“Anything!” Pen said with the enthusiasm of a child tempted with a supply of chocolate for life.
“Could you perhaps not say my name, or mention that you know who I am, in any way whatsoever when Anna gets back?”
“Excuse me?”
Jess's heart sank. “Could you not tell her who I am?”
It was another heart-stopping moment of tension, Penny frozen with her ear cocked to the side, Jess holding Pen’s hand in prayer and plea.
“She doesn’t know who you are?”
“….no.” And Jess had never felt so small.
“As in, you haven’t told her?”
Jess shrank some more. “No.”
It was rare that Jess had seen someone visibly fill with anger, but that is what happened with Pen. It was as if the small woman grew several inches and darkened several shades of red. Jess braced herself.
“You mean,” Penny spat, “she has no idea who you are!?”
Chapter 29.
“I can explain,” Jess stuttered.
“What the hell kind of game are you playing at?”
“There’s no game,” Jess pleaded. “She didn’t recognise me at first, so I didn’t tell her and–”
Pen puffed out several inches more. “She’s a fucking recluse, of course she didn’t recognise you.”
Oh god.
“She’s been hiding from everything,” Penny spat, “because she doesn’t trust people and you think it’s OK to hide who you are?”
Jess flinched. The guilt was hitting her like a hammer. “I know, I know, but I didn’t realise that to start with.”
“Is this a joke to you?” Pen’s hands were knuckled into her hips.
“Not at all. Please.” Jess put up her hands. “Let me explain.”
“You’d better. Much as though I’m a little bit star-struck with you right now,” Pen gave Jess another barely disguised look up and down, “and I bet you have a girl in every city, but if you mess around with Anna you will be in deep shit with me.”
Jess was a little afraid, a little amused, but heartened that Anna had a friend in Pen. What she would give for a mini Rottweiler with a devoted heart like this.
“It’s not like that and I’m not like that. A girl in every city couldn’t be further from the truth.” Jess took a deep breath. “I was in trouble, cracking up, and Anna let me stay.”
“Well,” Penny relented the tiniest amount. “That’s Anna for you. She was always the grownup, the one who was there to pick everyone else up off the floor.”
“Really?” Jess said, her heart flooding for Anna. “That’s what she did with me. I was freaking out and in meltdown when I got to London. I couldn’t turn a corner without someone recognising me. I was exhausted and needed a break, five minutes even, and there was Anna. It seemed the only person in the world who didn’t know who I was, and the only one to treat me like a human being.”
Pen listened.
“I never meant for anything to happen. I had no idea anything would.” Jess wanted to cry, this was going so wrong.
Pen glared some more.
“I kept meaning to leave and saying good bye, but it was like neither of us wanted that. I thought we’d never see each other again, then I stayed longer and we became closer. I didn’t think I would be back in London to see her. And the funny thing is, I’m more like myself than I have been in years. Far from not knowing who I am, it’s as if she’s one of the few people who really knows me, and now….”
Jess had been seduced by small turns, and rationalised other steps, until she found herself trapped by what she abhorred most of all, a plain lie.
Penny’s face was neutral, then she said, “You’re smitten aren’t you?”
“Sorry?”
“You’ve fallen for her.”
“I…” Jess was compelled to deny it, but why? Penny was right. That was the reason Jess was standing there so afraid of hurting and losing Anna. “Yes,” she said. “I’m smitten.”
“What a mess,” Pen said, deflating back to her normal size.
“I was going to tell her today,” Jess said, with a tiny ray of hope. “I’ve got a role in the West End. I can stay in London two or three months. I’m going to tell her everything.”
Penny looked at her with uncharacteristic thoughtfulness.
“I will make it OK,” Jess tried to reassure her. “I will make everything better and apologise and I hope to god Anna will understand.”
“But you can’t make it right,” Pen said quietly.
“I should have said something earlier, I know that now, but I had no idea any of this would happen. I was enjoying getting to know someone as me, not the character, not a movie star, just Jess. I never have that chance.”
“It doesn’t work like that though.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s a part of you, and a part that makes you the last person on Earth that Anna would want.”
The air seemed to disappear from Jess's body. “What do you mean?”
Penny narrowed her eyes at Jess, perhaps searching for an inkling that Jess knew what she meant, perhaps wondering whether it was her place to say. She deflated a little, her shoulders sagging.
“She was an actress,” Penny said at last, “a good one too.”
“What?”
“Does the name Anna Mayhew ring any bells?”
