Finding Jessica Lambert, page 30
They stared over the river, perhaps both too affected to continue that conversation.
“Why do you act?” Anna said suddenly. “Why carry on when it takes such a toll on you?”
“Oh,” Jess said, caught off guard but also grateful for the change in subject. She smiled. “I always loved stories growing up, making up my own with friends at school or reading them. You could do anything with stories – make a world to live in when your own wasn’t welcoming or find a character like you when no-one else was. Acting seemed a natural extension for me.”
Anna nodded, attentive.
Jess hesitated, wondering if she should explain further or if Anna already understood this about her. She might be beginning to. “I don’t always understand people very well. Reading between the lines, duplicity, subtleties of social group dynamics. It’s all so complicated and doesn’t always lead to anything good. At the same time, I’m very sensitive to people’s feelings, crave good company and love having trusted friends. It’s…” she searched for the right word.
“Challenging?” Anna suggested with a smile.
“Yeah.” Jess laughed. “I was a bit of a mimic when I was a kid. I copied other girls’ behaviour to try and fit in. I think that’s where I perfected other people’s accents and mannerisms, and that’s probably why acting became my thing. At the same time, I didn’t get the real-life script everyone else seemed to be born with. I played with a mix of boys and girls who didn’t care about being different and I found stories. I loved acting those out because they made sense and I knew the outcome. Real life was too fast and unpredictable with too many people behaving in ways I didn’t always comprehend straight away.”
She turned to Anna to see if she was explaining it clearly enough. “It’s like perfect living,” Jess said. “You can practise it. Real life happens too fast for me to take in sometimes, like I only appreciate it after the moment's passed. Acting lets me experience it again, properly. Lets me make sense of it all.”
“I can see that – getting to relive those intense moments.” Anna grinned and Jess could see the light come on in her eyes, that sparkle when a human is lit up inside with something that makes existence special for them. “Except I always craved an audience too. I’m always after that high from the intensity of experience when you draw in an entire crowd. Sometimes I suspect I just like showing off.”
And they both laughed.
Jess was comforted that Anna had listened and not walked away. She looked at the beautiful woman, both an enigma but at the same time they had so much in common that she found her easy to understand too.
“Is that why you came back?” Jess asked quietly. “Is that how Matt managed to persuade you to take this role?”
Anna hesitated, considering her answer. “That played a part, yes.”
“How’s it been?”
“Exhilarating. Terrifying. I’m not sure I’ve come down from that first high of shooting a scene. I think I’m running on nervous energy. I hope I don’t crash too badly.”
Jess wanted to say she’d be there for her, but wondered if Anna would welcome it. “Anything I can do, please ask,” Jess said.
“Thank you,” Anna replied, seeming to accept the offer. “Is it worth it for you? Acting? When it has such a high price?”
“Honestly?” Jess pondered. “I don’t know. The fame and money, that’s not why I wanted to act. And the publicity and high-profile side of it, I’m rubbish at that. I’m still that quiet kid who likes reading books and watching films with my mates, and who likes to act someone else for a while, and use their words and feel the thrill of performing while safely choreographed. But small talk with others? Networking? Interviews? I’m not a great entertainer, not like you.”
“You were a very accomplished host this evening.”
“That’s me on my pet subject. I can talk all day about the Atlassia stories.” Jess grinned.
“You seem at ease to me, playful and funny. I find you wonderful company.”
Jess's breath caught. “With you,” Jess said, unable to hold back the sincerity.
“But you are entertaining and intelligent,” Anna said, with a frown as if not quite puzzling her out yet.
“With people I know well. Small trusted groups. When I can relax.”
“But interviews,” Anna offered, “and being visible in public? You hate those?”
“That’s the problem, like you saw tonight. I went to pieces as soon as that journalist asked a personal question. People have expectations of what I should be like, this movie star, an outgoing party girl who wants to be the centre of attention, and I’m not.”
Anna was thoughtful a moment. “I used to play another role in public to deflect that kind of intrusion. I played a part tonight to get myself on stage.”
“For some reason I don’t do that,” Jess said. “Even though I’m an actor, I feel like I should be myself when asked a question. Others might shrug it off or blag an answer, but I feel like I’m lying, and I hate that.”
Anna looked at her. “You can always say ‘no’ though.”
“To what?”
“When an interviewer asks a question that makes you uncomfortable, say, ‘I’m not going to answer that’. It’s a very useful defence which is honest and surprisingly strong. It sets a boundary and although they may try to shame you into lowering it, people usually realise they are in the wrong. You don’t owe them your whole life. You don’t owe anyone your deepest thoughts, unless you want to tell them.”
“Makes sense,” Jess nodded, and she felt a gulf between their experiences. “I feel naïve next to you, especially after your performance on stage tonight.”
Anna snapped her gaze round, her face full of genuine surprise. “Nonsense, you’ve been acting for eight years and look at your resume. You’ve done more than many actors have in twenty. If I’d had half your athleticism, power of delivery, focus and empathy I would have been very happy indeed.”
Jess felt all the force of the compliment as she stared at the beautiful actress who’d this evening delivered a performance that had given Jess goose bumps. “People are different,” Jess said. “Everyone brings something to the table.”
“Yes, they do,” Anna said, and she gazed into Jess's eyes.
Jess was filled with longing. It made sense then, why they’d fallen for each other so quickly. There was the commonality but also the differences, age, experience, personality, and they fitted together in a way so pleasing as to make a bigger picture. And beyond that, they appreciated more and more where the other struggled and stepped up to help. Jess was flooded with yearning for this woman, realising how good they could be for each other.
She was about to ask her. What? To hang out sometime? To please let Jess earn her trust and friendship? But Anna seemed to withdraw a little.
“I should go and mingle,” Anna said. “Besides, I left Penny with a bottle of Champagne. I should find her before she drinks the lot.”
“Can I say hello?” Jess said quickly, not wanting to lose Anna’s company.
“To Penny?”
“Please. I like her,” Jess said with a smile.
“Of course. Don’t let her ogle you though. Please remind her you’re a real person.”
Jess laughed.
Anna offered her arm. “Fancy introducing me to everyone whose name I’ve forgotten or don’t recognise? In turn I’ll do the onerous small talk.”
Jess grinned and took her arm. “That’s a deal.”
They joined the party, Anna with so much ease she appeared its elegant hostess. She gracefully circulated and chatted with everyone they encountered, and Jess started to enjoy the evening. A weight had lifted. They’d cleared the air. The tension and guilt had been relieved at last.
Jess was left glowing, the only shadow cast on the evening her complete and utter inability to hide how besotted she was.
Chapter 47.
It was an unseasonably warm spell. The bare winter trees had burst into pink and white blossom in the studio walled-garden and Anna had been sat on the lawns with cast and crew for lunch. They’d all cleared away and Anna was about to get up herself when Jess bounded over.
“Hey,” she said, looking down at Anna, a tray of sandwiches and a mug of tea in her hands. That great big smile was back, the one that lifted her face and made her eyes sparkle. Anna hadn’t seen it since before that horrible morning on Shaftesbury Avenue in the theatre, an encounter Anna much regretted now. It was a relief to see that smile return, and those beautiful brown eyes twinkling perhaps with mischief. Actually it made Anna a little giddy inside.
“You off or can I join you?” Jess said.
“I’ve finished,” Anna replied. “But I’m in no rush. Please.” And she indicated for Jess to sit down.
The young woman seemed to concertina down into a cross-legged position on the grass. Even Anna, supple from yoga, envied the movement.
They’d seen a little of each other since the premiere, shooting the odd scene, and their interaction had taken on a tentative and tender quality. Anna wondered if Jess had noticed too. At the moment though, she was too focussed on her sandwich and Anna smiled as Jess tucked in.
“Busy morning?” Anna asked.
“Yeah,” Jess said in between large mouthfuls. “I’ve been on the phone to my agent. She wanted to talk over a few contracts. Actually,” Jess paused, “is she your agent now too?”
“Celia Hartingham is indeed my agent.”
“Does she scare the bejeezus out of you?”
Anna laughed. “No, she doesn’t.”
“How?”
Anna shrugged. “What is there to fear? Once you realise she’s concerned about her income but also the long-term welfare of her client, then she’s quite straightforward…”
Jess's eyes were wide with shock.
“…if a little forthright.”
Jess chuckled. “Maybe it’s just me. She’s always several steps ahead of me. Makes me laugh though.”
“So not so scared?”
“Maybe not,” Jess grinned. “She is just human after all.”
A group of regular extras passed by, several young women and a couple of men. One, a young woman, with golden flowing hair, who quickly flicked it behind her ear to show her face to advantage, cried, “Hey Jess,” accompanied by the kind of smile that had intentions.
Jess looked up a moment, swallowing some food. She appeared surprised that someone had called her name. Anna wondered if Jess would ever get used to being the centre of attention.
“Oh, hi Chloe,” Jess said. She returned the wave then immediately tucked back into her sandwich. “She’s brilliant at watching your back. You couldn’t have hired anyone better.”
Jess meant Celia, Anna realised, and she wondered if Jess had registered the interest of the attractive extra at all. Jess sat, unperturbed and likely oblivious, in tight black jeans, black T-shirt and padded jacket not dissimilar to that she wore most days. She ate the same sandwich that Anna had seen her eat the day before with Shawna, and with Matt the day before that.
“You like routine, don’t you?” Anna said, with only affection.
“Hmm?”
“You like the same food, same style clothes. Do you listen to the same music at the end of every day?”
“I suppose, yeah. It’s more that I don’t want to spend energy on choosing sometimes. Once I find comfortable clothes, I’m happy, so why change,” Jess said. “With food or music I’m very particular and I have phases, so making a new choice isn’t a light decision and could take hours. Besides I really, really like some foods and just want to eat them all the time. I look forward to them. I know they’re going to be good and that’s like a tick on the way to a good day.”
“You like routine.”
“I like routine,” Jess admitted, laughing. “I suppose I find a lot of things and people unexpected, so it’s nice for others to be easy and predictable, like some decent grub. Then I can enjoy the interesting surprises.”
“I can understand that,” Anna said, mulling it over. “Actually I’ve done exactly the same.”
“The insane order of your flat?”
“Yes,” Anna laughed.
“See I’m not tidy. Like not at all. This is one of the reasons I have very few belonging. They just end up in a pile in the corner and I forget about them.”
Jess ate on and Anna sipped at the end of her coffee that had gone cool. Jess sat cross-legged, like she had in the park that day when they first met.
“You’re very much you,” Anna murmured.
Jess lifted her eyebrows and dropped her mouth open, a crumb falling out, before closing it again. “I am with you,” she said softly. “And I like that.” She said it evenly, without a hint of artifice or embarrassment. She did that often with Anna, said snippets of truth that sounded small and simple but actually meant a great deal.
Jess put her sandwich down and brushed her hands together, her brow crinkling in thought. “I had a meltdown when I first met you. I retreat into my own head sometimes. When I get overloaded I have to stick on headphones and hide away for a while. And you take all that in your stride. I’m very grateful for that.”
“It’s not like I don’t have my own limitations,” Anna smiled.
“I know. Many people do. But, thank you.”
It took a while for her eyes to settle on Anna’s this time, and those brown eyes were full of meaning when they did settle. “I like not having to be anyone else with you.”
“Me too,” Anna said.
Now that Jess had finished her sandwich, she stretched out her long legs and leant back, arms straight and supporting behind her, her chest thrust forward. She closed her eyes and lifted her face to catch the vague warmth of the winter sun. Anna would have been amiss not to admit, at least to herself, that there were a great many things she liked about Jessica Lambert. And a little bit of Anna twinged inside, appreciating what it had been like to enjoy all those things.
Those soft long legs and the tenderness between Jess's upper thighs. Anna blushed imagining her fingertips once again enjoying the sensitive skin there. Those breasts and the sensation of her nipple pebbling inside Anna’s mouth. And that was before Anna remembered the sound of Jess's groan accompanying her enjoyment and before she recalled so vividly Jess's sure touch at Anna’s own.
Jess certainly knew her way around Anna’s body and her sensitivity was fine-tuned to Anna’s enjoyment. Anna could vividly recall that expert touch around where she swelled.
“We’d better get to makeup,” Anna said, sitting up straight, her breath catching.
She was coy at her physical reaction that was likely one-sided. Jess had only been friendly and straightforward with Anna. Really, had she shown any more interest in Anna than the gorgeous extra who’d passed by? Was this professional? Was this friendship? Anna didn’t know suddenly and she cursed her confidence that ebbed low in this regard. She could immediately tell that the extra had designs on Jess. But Anna’s shattered confidence was blinding her to anyone’s inclination to her. And what of it? What if she could tell? What if Jess was interested? What then?
“Sure,” Jess said lazily, blinking several times. She leapt up and put her hand out to help Anna.
She took Jess's hand, blushing again at the familiar touch of her fingers and the memory of where they’d stroked exquisitely. She underestimated Jess's strength though, and with an energetic pull found herself standing very close indeed to her co-star. Breast to breast close.
“Sorry,” Jess smiled, slipping her hand around Anna’s back to steady her.
They stood for a moment, their bodies touching, Anna intimate in the shared physical space of someone she trusted and liked. The world dropped away and Anna wished they were back in her flat, sharing that time again of a few months ago, wishing Jessica Lambert could be that woman again.
“We’re...we’d better…it’s probably starting…you know…late,” Jess stuttered.
“Yes,” Anna said, all her training modulating her response. “We’d better.”
They stepped apart and turned towards the main studios and Anna had to fight the temptation to take Jess's hand all the way.
Chapter 48.
It had been going so well for Anna. Then it wasn’t.
The cast together with extras was huge today, and among them was a familiar face – a man her age who’d performed at her last theatre appearance. She couldn’t remember his name, but his face conjured horrible memories of five years ago at the Globe. He’d looked startled when he saw her, then shocked when she’d explained her major role. Time had clearly not been kind to him, given that he was an extra, and he didn’t seem to view it kindly that she had a larger role.
He‘d been there that night, that excruciating night, when she’d frozen mid-performance. She could remember the weight of hundreds of pairs of eyes upon her, confused then disapproving, stoking and escalating her terror. Had he been one of those who’d shouted at her to get back on stage?
Anna was starting to shake at the recollection and rushed to costume and makeup.
Then there had been script changes and extensive ones at that. What made it worse was the sheer number of cast required for the scene and the long tracking shot the director had chosen to increase Jess's isolation. The camera took a sweeping view around the forest castle and the queen’s knights, ending with its focus on Anna and Jess, the queen’s powerful speech overlaying it all and taken in one seamless shot to end on Jess's defiant face.
“Our forests burn,” Anna cried, her arms lifted and her green gown trailing like wings. “The people starve, all for Atlassia, and now you want our help.”
“Cut!”
Anna closed her eyes. That was the sixth time she’d messed up.
“Let’s take five,” Shawna, the director, said and Anna could hear the disgruntled voices of actors and crew. She caught the familiar extra who looked most annoyed out of everyone. She could imagine what he was thinking and the idle chatter he was indulging in with his fellow extras.
