Finding Jessica Lambert, page 37
Anna had to force herself to sit straight, to counter the sense of being on the back foot. “She’s in her mid-twenties and has been working for eight years–”
“You’re a great deal older.”
Anna paused, took a breath and rode over the attack. “She’s had a busy few years, filming abroad, but she’s based in London and–”
“I’ve seen her in a Bond film, haven’t I?” her mother said, an amused sneer twisting her words. “There was an article about her in the Sunday paper, I remember now, flicking past some ludicrous shots of her half naked.”
It was like wading through mud while under fire. And they hadn’t even got to the part Anna dreaded most yet.
Her mother was still amused by her recollection. “So, a real-life movie star. I imagine it makes you quite jealous.” And Anna regretted every bitter feeling she’d had against Jess as she saw her own envy reflected in her mother’s words. “How on earth did you meet?”
It was like her mother had a sixth sense about every sore point. Anna maintained her poise. Unlike Jess, thinking on her feet and improvisation had always been her forte.
“We met by chance,” she said evenly, despite frustration threatening to boil to the surface. “But we work together now.”
There. She’d made it. Her confession at last.
“You work together? Are you consulting on her film? Coaching?”
“No,” Anna said. “I’ve taken an acting role on the series they’re producing for TV.”
“Good god, Anna.” Her mother spat out every word. “What on earth were you thinking?”
Anna closed her eyes a moment, imagining her mother’s words bouncing off her skin. She opened them again, ready for more.
“I thought your name was mud as an actress these days.” Her mother threw her hands in the air. “Is it this Jess? Has she been calling in favours? Did she ask them to find you something? She may be besotted with you for now, but don’t expect that to last forever.”
Anna opened her mouth to respond but her mother jumped in again.
“Honestly, Anna, after everything, don’t you think this supremely unwise? You could have another John Boyd after you. I think this a terrible decision. Then again, perhaps you won’t attract that kind of adulation now you’re older.” She waved her hand dismissively.
Anna wished she could capture the conversation and show Jess. If ever anything encapsulated everything that had eroded her confidence over the years this conversation was surely it.
“And alongside this…this…Jessica Lambert, you could be in more danger. I can’t see the attraction quite frankly, but I know she has rabid fans. If you associate with someone like that, you will get all sorts of cranks after you.”
Anna breathed out, a slow steady exhalation like she practised in yoga.
“You’re right, Mother,” she said, with a sad smile, trying to suppress the tremble in her arms. “I fear all of those. I’ve been hiding away because of everything you’ve mentioned.”
Her mother was silent at last and Anna had time to notice how her mother’s words, although painful and brutal, hadn’t penetrated so deeply this time. She was filled with love from Jess, strengthened by her support and bolstered by her own growing confidence that had been building for months.
“I can’t keep hiding.” Anna shook her head. “I don’t want to live like that anymore.”
“These people may threaten your life,” her mother shouted, her composure gone.
“They might,” Anna said. “It’s true. It’s definitely a possibility. But at this point I’m not sure if they’re a greater threat or you are?”
“What on earth do you mean?”
Anna tried to look at her mother, catching a glimpse of her enraged glistening eyes.
“After everything’s considered,” Anna said, calmly but the words beginning to stick in her throat, “I think you’ve had a worse effect on my happiness than my stalker ever did.”
“Ridiculous,” her mother breathed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“I won’t change my mind,” Anna replied, her body swirling with opposing emotions of fury and distress. “I love Jess. I’m extremely lucky to have a role acting beside her. I’m luckier still to receive her love.”
“You think a young starlet will remain by your side?”
“Yes, I do,” Anna said, smiling genuinely this time with the reminder of Jess. “I have more faith in Jess than anyone else I’ve ever been involved with.”
“Another actor?” Her mother tutted. “Someone else who doesn’t live in the real world?”
Anna took a moment, a little like Jess did. “Funnily, for someone whose career it is to pretend to be someone else, she is more strongly herself than anyone I’ve ever met. I think it’s down to her honesty. I never appreciated how much simpler life is when you strip it down to that. It’s a revelation. It’s so freeing.” What a weight was lifted, not having to worry about all the machinations and motives, when Jess talked plainly to her.
“Maybe we won’t stay together for ever,” Anna continued, “no-one can guarantee the future, but I would be a fool to let her go. She is kind, loving and a person who it’s fun to be quiet with. I feel like my soul is recharging when we hang out. And she is as sexy as hell.”
Her mother was mortified. “Anna, for god’s sake.”
“I’m in love with her. I’m lucky to have found her.” She looked unwavering at her mother. “You have never made an attempt to understand me, from who I loved to what I thought and what made my life worth living. I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake with Jess and I will continue to listen to her.”
Her mother was still speechless.
“Now,” Anna said, dabbing her mouth with her serviette and putting it aside on the table. “If you can’t even try to understand and accommodate anyone else’s point of view, then I’m afraid we are done with this conversation.”
“But this girl,” her mother spat out the words, “she’ll be gone in a matter of weeks and you’ll be left looking a fool.”
“I doubt it. I’ve rarely met anyone more loyal to friends, work, family or her lover. She is remarkable.” Anna breathed in. It was time to be blunt. “If you try to undermine my relationship with her, like you have with everything else in my life, from my work to my sexuality, you will inflict more damage than anyone else.” Anna hoped the trembling in her limbs didn’t show. “I will not let you do that anymore. If you cannot support my decisions and cannot support me and Jess, then I will no longer see you.”
She stood up. Her mother stared, her mouth gaping open in shock for a moment before a veil of fury hid it. Humility wasn’t immediately forthcoming and if it happened at all it would have to be in her mother’s own time, not Anna’s.
“Until then,” Anna said. “Goodbye Mother.”
She turned and walked across the room, struggled to ask for her coat, fumbled with the door, but remained composed right until the other side and into the street.
Anna expected to choke on tears. She waited for a blow of loss to crush her. But instead, a weight lifted. Anna would no longer have to live with those thousand small acts of aggression from her mother. The exhaustion from never meeting her expectations was relieved. Life would have its challenges, but Anna didn’t have to face them shackled by her disapproval.
Chapter 56.
Jess blinked in the onslaught of cameras flashing in the London night. She raised her arm to cover her eyes.
She wasn’t comfortable with this. A red carpet. Journalists. Paparazzi. Agents. Stars. All out for the awards evening in the West End theatre. And the noise. Traffic, shouts from fans, demanding journalists, it all drilled at her head.
She fidgeted with her tuxedo jacket, pulling the lapels together protectively then forcing herself to drop her hands and square her shoulders.
Someone called out her name. She registered that it had been called several times but it had taken a while for her to focus on it. It was likely a hack in the crowd behind the barricades somewhere. She waved and cameras turned their full force of fire on her, flashing and clicking. She tried not to flinch but couldn’t help it. Tomorrow’s photos in the paper wouldn’t be flattering. Femi would not be pleased. Gossip would start and he’d have to firefight again.
“Jessica!” the male voice called out again. “Are you expecting an award this evening?”
It took several moments to find the source of the voice, then she recognised the journalist whom Celia described as a worm. Jess didn’t want to risk opening her mouth, but then silence generated its own stories and they already had their awkward picture to go with that.
“Just presenting an award tonight,” she said, realising she was speaking in a monotone. She dropped her gaze and tried to move on. Several photographers were waving to her further up the line but the pressure followed her.
“You’re not with Anna Mayhew tonight?” another male reporter shouted. “You two have been spotted together a lot recently. Any comment?”
“No. She’s not here yet.”
Where was she? Anna hadn’t come home after lunch with her mother. She said she might not have time before collecting her dress. But Jess was unnerved. Anna’s mother had clearly taken against her. Jess tried not to dwell on the look the woman had given her, the one that appraised up and down and said so many things. She’d seen it a thousand times when she’d been presented – so unlike people expected in so many ways. The contempt Anna’s mother conveyed though was special. Jess tried to tell herself that it said more about the older woman than Jess, a mantra imbedded by her Nan.
“I hear you and Anna have been very friendly.” The hack shouted out. “Why’s she not here tonight?”
Why indeed. All Jess had thought about all day was Anna and how her confidence seemed to drain away when her mother was present. Jess wanted to go home, not be here in front of hundreds of people with flashes and incessant clamouring and noise. How did anyone think above this?
She wanted to go home and wait for Anna and not be distracted by anything else.
“Not been a lover’s tiff has there?” the hack shouted again.
No, there hadn’t. But then she had no idea what Anna was thinking right now. Jess's brain was beginning to seize. She wasn’t coherent. It was like her tongue and cheeks became swollen and she couldn’t articulate the words.
“Miss Lambert! Over here!” another voice shouted.
“Jessica!” yet another came.
“Anna Mayhew hasn’t been seen on set for a few days,” the original hack continued. “Are there professional issues too?”
What? That wasn’t even true. How did things deteriorate so quickly? Jess wished for the thousandth time her brain could cope. She could feel the panic start to creep up her back. She was breathing rapidly, she twitched, her head swirled and she stumbled a little further up the red carpet towards the old theatre, camera lights flashing from all sides.
She could see the journalist moving along the crowd to keep up with her.
“Is it true,” he shouted, “that you had a breakdown when you first arrived in London?”
Her head was pounding and she could hear her heart in her ears. The crowds loomed in from both sides of the red carpet as it funnelled towards the entrance and her heart rocketed as she stumbled forward. It felt like the whole world was collapsing around her.
Then as she reached the entrance, it stopped. Soft fingers slipped between hers and a melodious voice reached out.
“Hi,” is all it said and it was enough for the whole world to melt away.
Jess turned, eyes heavy and drooping with the fatigue of panic to find the beatific face of Anna. Her hair was swept back and magnificent. Her eyes sparkled blue. It was like spring sunshine after winter and Jess's anxiety seemed to disappear. The crowd receded. Only Anna existed for Jess, her fingers caressing her cheek.
“You’re here.” Jess couldn’t help the crack in her voice.
“Yes, I am,” Anna smiled. “We’re together now.” And she slowly held Jess's cheeks in her hands, overwhelming love and fondness shining in her expression.
“How are you?” Jess gasped.
“I’m OK.” Anna smiled.
“I didn’t know how it went. It didn’t look nice.”
A shadow flitted over Anna’s features. “It wasn’t,” she said. Then recovering some of her levity, “So, my mother and I will be taking a break from each other, until she can find a way to be constructive.”
“I’m sorry if I made things more difficult.”
“You didn’t,” Anna whispered. “You make everything so much better.”
“I was worried about you,” Jess breathed hard. “Just when you were happy and things were going well for you. For us…”
It all came tumbling out, everything that had gone through Jess's thoughts, round and round ceaselessly while she waited for Anna.
“Because I want to marry you. I want a little place in the country to escape to when we need it.” Jess couldn’t stop now. “I want us to be together. When Atlassia finishes I’ll take a break and follow you wherever your next role takes you, then maybe we could take turns doing that. I know this is all enormous.” She paused for breath but didn’t want to stop. “I’m sorry I don’t do things by halves and if this all comes across as naive and youthful confidence, but I want us to do everything now–”
Anna pressed her fingertips to her lips. She was smiling. “Please wait a moment,” she said, “because I want to check, did you ask me to marry you?”
Jess paused a moment. She’d been thinking of it. She’d been thinking of it a lot.
“I think so,” Jess said, surprised. But then she thought of things so hard sometimes that she forgot to say them. “I’m pretty sure I did. Yes. Kind of.”
“That’s funny,” Anna said, her eyes glistening.
Jess searched Anna’s expression, wondering if she could work it out and save herself from whatever was coming.
“Why?” Jess said, not knowing if she wanted to hear the answer.
“Because,” Anna whispered, “I was going to ask you too.”
Jess couldn’t speak. Her throat was choking on a swell of emotion that she couldn’t keep down. She opened her mouth but no words came out.
“I want to marry you,” Anna said, beaming.
Jess still couldn’t speak.
Anna stroked her face, her eyes searching around Jess. “I wish it was more romantic,” she said with a smile, “but if we’re talking about it?”
“I am. I do,” Jess blurted out. “And I want to.”
“Me too,” Anna said gently.
“You do?” Jess didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
“All of it.” Anna drew her shoulders back a little. “No more doing things by halves. But…”
“But what?”
“You mentioned getting a little cottage?”
“Yes?”
“That might not be so easy.”
“Why?”
“I come with baggage,” Anna said, with a smile pinching the side of her mouth.
“Baggage?”
“We’re going to need a spare room for Bibs and Penny when they visit.” Anna grinned.
“Is that all?” Jess laughed. “They’ve got it.”
Anna drew closer and Jess couldn’t help placing her hands on her hips and drawing her nearer still.
“I love you, Anna Mayhew,” she said.
“And I love you, Jess Lambert.”
They both lifted their lips to meet with a delicate kiss. Jess closed her eyes, indulging in the tenderness of her most loved, the anxiety of the day only making their touch sweeter.
Their kiss didn’t go unnoticed. A cacophony of camera shutters rained over them and white light exploded in the theatre entrance. Jess and Anna’s gentle kiss that spoke of deep love and togetherness in the face of the world was captured a hundred times over.
And that was the photo that made the papers the next day.
THE END
Acknowledgements
I’ve bounced ideas and versions of this book off several people and I’m hugely grateful for their feedback. However, any errors of judgement or fact in what remains in this published version are my responsibility alone.
Jess has different heritage to me and I don't have first-hand experience of her background. I'm white with a white-centric education – the latter sadly still being ubiquitous in the UK – and although my experience and reading broadens constantly I have much to learn and unlearn. I’m very grateful to a fabulous sensitivity reader for highlighting inaccuracies and tropes that I hadn’t appreciated.
In the storytelling, I’m hugely grateful to three awesome authors for their feedback. G Benson for early encouragement and listening to my regular grumps about writing. Diana Simmonds always for being Diana and getting my books like no other. Cindy Rizzo for support and always finding something to make me think differently. Wonderful writers all.
Many thanks to Dor for proofreading and the super speedy turnaround!
Thank you so much to readers who keep me writing – reassuring words make all the difference. I feel like a book isn’t truly finished until it finds a reader who loves it. It’s the biggest high when I hear one of my books has found someone.
And thanks to my family, who make the ordinary extraordinary.
About
Clare Ashton is an award-winning indie author of WLW and lesbian fiction and F/F romances, with German translations of her work published by Ylva Publishing and Verlag Krug und Schadenberg.
Her dark romance After Mrs Hamilton is a Golden Crown Literary Society (Goldie) award winner and her first foray into romantic comedy, That Certain Something, was a Goldie and Lambda Literary Award finalist. Light romance Poppy Jenkins won the Rainbow Award for Best Lesbian Contemporary & Erotic Romance.
Clare grew up in Mid-Wales and has a brain stuck somewhere not particularly useful between the arts and sciences. She has been accused of sometimes living too much inside her head, but it turns out that this is good for writing stories. She lives in the Midlands with her wife and son and daughter who are a lovely distraction from writing.
