Never Look Back, page 31
The drapes were open, and my family was inside. Eden laughed at something Jud said to her, and Trent held her from behind, Baby Kate in my sister-in-law’s arms. Salem walked through, holding Juni, and the two of them stopped to look at an ornament on the tree.
Gage appeared below them, his caramel hair bouncing when he jumped and pointed.
It was this perfect picture that sent my heart angling in a direction I’d spent the last seven years convincing myself that it couldn’t go.
“Do you want that, Aster?” I realized it was close to a plea. “Children? Family? A home?”
I knew my saying it was ripping a wound wide open.
But if I peeled back the exterior?
The walls I’d built—the façade I’d lived in for the last seven years?
That was a wound that hadn’t come close to healing.
It was raw.
Throbbing.
A fucking hole that ached with confusion and tumult because I still couldn’t understand how Aster had done it.
Her spirit roiled. I felt it flow, whisper and moan on a ripple of grief.
Yearning struck me, so intense that I was inhaling every veiled question that lingered between us.
Aster stared out the window, bobbing in a turmoil that’d caught her unaware.
“I’m sorry, Aster, I didn’t mean to put you on the spot, especially tonight. It just—”
“Hurts,” she filled in, not looking my way.
“Yeah, it fucking hurts.”
The dreams, the plans, the promises we’d made.
But she was the one who’d had to exist on the other side, and I was the one who’d done the very thing she’d begged me not to do.
“It’s a pain that won’t ever go away, Logan.”
Grief rose high, threatening my windpipe, but I forced myself to push for more.
“You said you’d never allow it to happen…that you’d never put a child in the same position as you’d been put in. That you refused to have Jarek’s children because—”
She cut me off by whipping her attention my direction. “You asked me if I wanted it, Logan.” Her voice had gone haggard. Hopeless and hopeful. Fueled by her own misunderstandings. She touched her chest. “I’ve always wanted it. I just wanted it with you. I wanted to run away with you. Live with you. For you. For us. A family and a home and our child.”
“And I was too late.”
Through bleary eyes, she blinked. “Maybe time didn’t really exist for us.”
“No, baby, no. It did and it does. Time might have been cruel, but we’re real, and this time? It’s ours. Fuck thirty days, I’m taking thirty thousand.” Aster smiled a soggy smile. Emotion thick. Her faith finally coming to fruition.
I dove forward, capturing her mouth while this girl captured my soul.
Hell, it’d always been hers. It was time we were finally free to revel in it.
A pounding hammered at my driver’s side window.
Aster yelped and jerked away, and I whirled around to find the threat.
Gifts stacked to the sky, Tessa waved back manically with one hand as she tried to balance them.
Shit.
I drew in a fragmented breath and tried to reel in the violence that had been instant.
“Hello, hey, Merry Christmas. Get your asses out of that car because I’m freezing mine off, and you know this tushy is way too cute for that.”
I scrubbed a palm over my face.
Fucking Tessa.
I glanced at Aster.
On a giggle, she gave me a small shrug. “You’re the one who told me she was only half insane.”
A light chuckle got free, and I leaned forward and gave her a peck to the lips. “Come on, it’s family time.”
Mine.
Hers.
Ours.
This time, I was going to keep it that way.
THIRTY-FOUR
ASTER
Family time.
I guess I never understood quite what that meant. Had never experienced it this way.
Family to me had always meant secrets. Loyalty without question. Submission without opposition.
And here we were, a mess of people piled in Trent and Eden’s little house. The only one we were missing was Gretchen because she was spending the night at her sister’s for the holiday.
We’d eaten and drank and laughed.
Chatted about the mundane that felt like the most important topics in the world because they were the things that mattered to these people.
And the truth of it was that I felt as if I belonged. As if I were a piece of this beauty. A glimmer in the light.
Held in Logan’s tender glances and touches, wrapped in his laughter and teases, the easiness he exuded when he was surrounded by the ones who meant most to him.
I was now certain I was included in that.
Logan and I had found our way back to the other.
The Little Star and the North Star had aligned.
And as we gathered around the tree to exchange presents, I already knew I’d been given the greatest gift.
A gift that for so long I’d been too fearful to ask for.
Juni crawled over to me and set a present on my lap. The child beamed at me with her adorable dimples. “There you go, Auntie Aster.”
Auntie Aster.
My heart clutched.
“That one is super extra special because I made it alls by myself and because I love you all the way to the stars.”
The roots in my spirit dug deeper.
Logan squeezed me from where he and I were snuggled on the floor together, that man wrapped around me from behind with his legs stretched out on either side of me.
Emotion thick in my throat, I glanced back at him.
To the stars, he mouthed.
“Well hurry it ups then,” Juni Bee said with all her sweet exasperation.
I choked over the lump. “I’d better then.”
“You don’t want to get on that one’s bad side.” Mimi laughed from where she sat on the couch beside Eden’s father, Gary.
“That’s right, my Motorcycle Dad taught me how to take you down, so you don’t want to go messin’ with me.” Juni issued it with pure pride.
Jud chuckled from where he sat on a small, plush chair in the corner with Salem on his lap. “That’s right, Juni Bee. You tell them.”
“That I’m the best wrestler ever?” She grinned with excitement.
“Hey, that’s my title. Champion!” Gage jumped up and threw his hands into the air.
“You’re both the champions,” Logan said, his arms curling tighter around me. “You’re not gonna find me messing with either of you.”
“That’s because you’re the smart one of the bunch, right, Uncle Logan, right?”
Logan roughed out an affectionate chuckle. “That’s right, buddy. Smartest Lawson of the bunch.”
Trent scoffed. “You just go on tellin’ yourself that, man.”
“Says the guy to the one who made him filthy rich.”
“Yeah, yeah. Take all the credit, man, I see how it is.” Trent fought a grin as he scrubbed a tattooed hand over his face.
“Don’t worry, honey, you’re smart, too.” Eden rubbed Trent’s back like she was stroking his ego.
“Well, he married my new mommy, so he’s at least gotta be a little bit smart.” Gage said it so matter of fact.
Tessa cracked up where she was squeezed next to Mimi. “I’m pretty sure it’s Gage here who’s the smartest of the bunch. You tell it like it is, little man.”
“Well, I have to speak the truth because lying is bad and we gotta follow the rules.”
Affection pulsed, so intense, a warm slide of comfort that fluttered through the room.
Juni nudged at the present that was still on my lap. “Well, are you gonna open it? You has to hurry because it’s almost time for Santa to come, so we need to wrap this up before he skips right over.”
I ran my finger under the wrapping paper, freed the tape, and opened the box. Emotion tugged at the edge of my mouth when I took out the hand-drawn picture.
It simply said Best Friends in crude handwriting with a bunch of hearts around it.
Juni climbed up closer, resting her hand on my shoulder so she could peer around at what she’d drawn. “Do you like it? I figures if Uncle Logan isn’t your best friend in the whole wide world, you need one, so I think it should be me.”
I pulled her to me, held her against my chest.
“I would love that,” I told her.
She wiggled all around, hugging me tight before she scooted back and shot an unsympathetic look at Logan. “If you snooze you lose.”
I cracked up.
Logan wrapped his arms fully around me, his face pressed into my hair as his chest jostled with his laugh. “Guess the girl really does love to bust my balls.”
Salem shook her head, fighting amusement. “As I said before, don’t listen to a thing your uncle Logan says, Juni.”
“But he’s gotta tell the truth, too, Auntie Salem.” Gage blinked at her.
Love billowed, rolled and streamed from each person in the room.
And I knew…I knew…this was right where I belonged.
Three hours later, we banged into the apartment.
I didn’t know what it was, but something had overcome us tonight.
Joy.
Excitement.
It was like freedom had sat under that tree and, with each gift that had been opened, it had become ours.
Logan’s hands were all over me. Sliding around my waist and running over my ass before they were gliding back up my spine and he was taking my hair in a dominating fist.
He jerked me against him, kissing me as if his life depended on it. As if he would find the next beat of his heart within me.
I kissed him back because it was true. He was the blood in my veins. The air in my lungs. The hope in my soul.
He spun me, twisting me out of my jacket and dropping it to the floor as he edged me across the room.
I felt frantic.
Wild.
Giddy.
A giggle got free.
He swallowed it up.
“I love you, Aster Rose.” It was a rumble at my mouth.
My fingers dragged through his thick hair, and my kiss was frenzied between each rasping word, “I thought I’d never get to love again. I thought I’d have to hold it in forever. Hide it so deep inside me that one day I would disintegrate.”
Cease to exist under the weight.
“But I can’t hold it back any longer, Logan. I love you. I love you.”
He kept kissing me through the confession, and suddenly, we were beside the giant, twinkling tree.
Logan pulled back to stare down at me. “You are the existence that forever burned within me, Aster. You are the belief that I can live right. Do fucking better. Proof I can have a bigger purpose than this superficial bullshit that I’ve been chasing after. When I walk into a room? I want to walk in it for you. When I get up in the morning? I want to rise for you. When I live this life? I want to live it for you.”
My chest stretched tight, and emotion raced my throat.
My North Star.
I touched his face, and he took my hand and kissed across my knuckles before he stepped back.
It would have been close to a smirk tweaking the edge of his mouth if it weren’t for the nerves that carved his features in severity. The way his breaths were harsh clips of oxygen.
Fueled by intensity.
“One more gift tonight, Aster. But you should know it’s a gift for me.” That time, it was an affected smirk, so sweet my stomach twisted.
He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out a small box before he knelt on a knee.
“Logan.” A shocked whisper got free, and my attention darted between the urgency in his gaze and what he held in his hand.
“I’ve had this for seven years, Aster.”
Seven years.
Emotion rushed. A tidal wave that came from the depths and rose to the surface. It crashed over me in an inundating swell. Tears blurred my eyes, and my hand covered my mouth.
“Logan,” I whispered it again.
Taken.
Overcome.
Unable to stand.
I slipped to my knees in front of him.
He set the ring beside him and took me by both sides of my face. He stared me down, his expression carved in fervency.
“When I came to you that night, Aster, I came with this ring and the promise that I was going to do whatever it took to convince your father you belonged with me. This ring? It was a promise of what I felt for you. I was going to tell him I was going to marry you, and we were going to have a family, and I was going to take you away from that place because you deserved so much better than the life he had planned for you. But I didn’t fight for you like I should have.”
His hold intensified, his big fingers digging into my hair and his thumbs running the angle of my jaw. We were so close our noses touched, our eyes wide and feeling, sucking every ounce of devotion in.
“I let anger and pride take me over, instead. I let your words impale me rather than recognize the torment that was in your eyes. That’s what I chose to see, the hatred and the bitterness, rather than to see you were hurt. That I’d hurt you, too. But that promise I came to make you that night? It still burns bright inside me.”
His eyes glassed over as they searched my expression. “Little Star…marry me because I’m tired of looking at the sky without you in it.”
I threw myself at him, my arms around his neck. “Yes.”
I knew we had to deal with Jarek. Finally put it in the past. But we would, and it would be us. Forever.
“It was always yes.”
A groan of relief vibrated through him, and he rose up high on his knees, taking me with him as he hugged me against the raging thunder in his chest.
He was grinning when he eased back and took out the ring.
My hand was shaking like crazy as he slipped it onto my finger. Tears streamed free.
But these tears?
They shouted of forever.
Joy squeezed me tight when I lifted my hand to admire it. It was dainty and delicate, the band rose gold with a floral filigree, the diamond small and perfect and represented everything I’d ever dreamed.
“I’ll replace the stone.” His jaw flexed.
I choked out a laugh and held my hand protectively against my chest. “Don’t you dare, Logan Lawson.”
His expression turned tender. As if he saw something in me that he’d once thought missing.
And looking at him?
I saw what I’d once believed of him.
My beautiful, sweet man.
Fierce.
Loyal.
Right and good and kind.
My everything.
My North Star.
THIRTY-FIVE
LOGAN
LOS ANGELES, NINETEEN YEARS OLD
Logan rubbed the star-shaped note between his fingers as he slipped out the back door of the office and into the night. The second he stepped outside, his heart rate spiked.
Anticipation.
Need.
A sticky, heavy dread.
Because he could feel it catching up to them.
He felt her presence emanating from behind the outbuilding, her sweet spirit stretching out in a slow build of seduction.
His Little Star that shined so bright.
“Why are you hiding?” he muttered.
Intensity flashed, and she peeked out from around the corner. “Because I have to.”
“Are you going to get into trouble?” It was purely a tease.
They were already in so much trouble.
So much trouble.
“No. I’m going to get you into trouble.”
He couldn’t help but smirk at their little game. “Do I look like the type of guy who really minds?”
Besides, there would be no more hiding soon.
“I’m afraid you will.”
“I’ll do anything for you.”
He moved forward, through the dense foliage to where she waited. Her chest heaved, making the necklace he’d given her twinkle in the bare light. He touched her belly that had barely begun to swell, felt the joy spring up from the places he’d believed he’d never feel.
Aster tipped her face up toward him. A fire burned in her agate eyes. “Then take me away from here. Let’s just go. Disappear forever.”
He blinked. “We can’t just leave, Aster. How am I supposed to take care of you and the baby? What about my family? We have to play this smart.”
Moisture filled her fevered gaze. “Family is what we’re supposed to be now. And if I stay here any longer…”
She choked on her fear.
He stole forward, wrapped her in his arms, and breathed out a weighted sigh. “You are. And I’ll do anything for you. I just…what if we tell your father? Convince him you belong with me? I don’t want you to have to hide for the rest of your life. For the rest of our lives. There has to be a better way. I mean, I’ve been making him a shitton of money, Aster. He respects me. What I do.”
Pride carved itself into the middle of him. Logan’s cut had gotten bigger and bigger, and Aster’s father had told him he’d never met another so promising.
Aster edged back a fraction, and her gorgeous face pinched. “He’ll kill you, Logan.”
“And what if he doesn’t? What if he gives us his blessing?”
“He won’t.”
“Then I’ll ask Trent and Jud for help.” He didn’t believe it would come to that.
In despair, she blinked. “And how many members of our family have to die for us to be together?” Her hand fisted at the hem of his shirt. “Let’s just go.”
He rushed to gather her up, pressed his lips to her forehead, and murmured, “Okay.”
Okay.
Whatever it took.
He’d already promised her that.
Something rustled in the bushes about twenty feet away, and they jumped apart. Logan peered into the dusky shadows where the leaves waved and lapped.
