Never Look Back, page 13
Our time secreted away.
Forbidden but right.
I whimpered as my thumb circled that throbbing bud, and I held back the tiniest cry as I pressed my fingers into my body.
The air crackled. The room shook. The oxygen grew thin.
I froze when I was hit with the awareness.
With the distinct sensation that I was not alone.
Heart battering at my ribs, my eyes snapped open to find the dark form standing just inside the bedroom door.
My throat closed off as his presence swept over me like a drug.
I prayed I was hallucinating, that I’d been foolish enough to invite the memories into the here and now and they were messing with my head. But I was sure there was no way I could make up the reverberation that rumbled the ground when he clicked the door shut behind him and edged my way.
Each step measured.
Purposed.
His foreboding shape was silhouetted in the middle of the room, the man smoke, as if he were both solid and didn’t exist.
I pressed my knees together like I could pretend he hadn’t just walked in on me touching myself to the echo of who we once had been.
It didn’t matter—I could feel the searing of his gaze.
Fire burned me alive.
I wanted to die.
To turn to vapor.
To exist in his hands.
Everything was silent except for the ravaging of my heart, the blood that whooshed through my veins, and the rasps that panted from my mouth.
Finally, I managed to push the jagged words from my lips. “What are you doing in here?”
Even though I couldn’t make out his face, I could feel the piercing of his eyes as he stared at me where I writhed on the bed.
“I needed to see you.”
I shivered at the possession in his statement.
“Why?”
“To know that you’re whole. That you’re here. That you’re mine.”
My throat nearly closed off. “Logan.”
It was a plea that had no clue what it was begging for.
“Do you want me to leave?” There was a tremor in his question.
I couldn’t make the right answer form on my tongue. Not when my mouth had gone dry, and I could barely squeeze oxygen into my lungs.
The atmosphere thickened.
Dense.
Every cell combustible.
Hinging on tonight.
When I didn’t answer, he stepped forward into the milky rays of moonlight that slanted in through the window.
I gasped when I saw him. There was a deep cut that had split open his bottom lip and blood and grime saturated his shirt.
“You’re hurt.” I shot upright as horror filled my spirit. I couldn’t do this. Couldn’t bring him danger.
He gave a harsh shake of his head. “It doesn’t matter.”
I tried to swallow, to stop the spread of flames, the crackle in the air. “How can you say that?”
“Because I’m here…standing in front of you right now.”
My feet were still planted on the mattress, my knees bent, the slip bunched up around my thighs. My hand was fisted in the material over my stomach.
Logan came to stand at the end of the bed. He winced once as he moved, guarding his side as he gritted through the movement.
He stared at me through the lapping shadows as if I might be a figment, too. As if he’d drifted through that same vacancy for the last seven years, the two of us floating through the nothingness that kept us separated.
My pulse raced my veins, so hard I was sure it was palpable. He reached out and trailed a single fingertip from the outside of my knee to my ankle.
Searing.
Scorching.
Inciting.
He angled his head, his profile so strong it verged on obscene, though his voice dropped to a grumble of agony. “Were you thinking about him?”
A wise woman would lie, one who held an ounce of self-preservation, but my head shook. “You know that I wasn’t.”
Logan leaned forward, and his breath whispered across the inside of my thigh. My heart bucked involuntarily in a bid to reach the one who’d left me adrift.
“Who then?” It was the roughest scrape of a demand, green eyes slicing through me with the sharp edge of a knife.
Everything shivered, and I tried to swallow, to regain some semblance of control when I’d slipped off the edge.
I squeezed my eyes shut to shield myself from the power of this man.
“Say it.” It cut through the air. Logan towered over me. His frame was rigid, hard, and held in some kind of restraint.
Hesitation rippled from my body and ricocheted against the walls, then the confession came tumbling out. “You.”
A growl rumbled from his chest. “Good girl.”
The mattress dipped when he set a knee onto the mattress, and I was pretty sure the entire Earth tipped from its axis when he began to slowly crawl up the bed.
Gravity shifted.
Setting me on a path for a new destination.
My North Star.
I was a fool.
A fool, a fool, a fool.
But I trembled in anticipation as he crawled up close to me, pressing me back to lie flat as he came.
He planted his hands on either side of my head, and my legs dropped open to make him room as he hovered there.
As if he both would consume me and couldn’t bear to touch me at the same time.
He just pinned me with the brunt force of his presence.
Heat blazed in the empty space that roiled between us. Never had my body ached in such a way, desperation taking over.
I was a second from begging him to drop down and press his heavy weight against me.
Allow me to feel.
Make me remember.
“This is a bad idea, Logan.” A moment’s clarity somehow busted through the haze.
Gone in a flash when those green eyes glinted in the rays of moonlight. “You were the best idea I’ve ever had.”
His words were hardened, strained with regrets and wounds.
Time was held in that moment.
The seconds gone stagnant.
My orbit this man.
It was torture.
It was bliss.
“And we still ruined each other in the end.” The words fell like an appeal from my lips.
Logan almost smiled, his gorgeous face staring down at me, wicked and right. “Who said it was the end?”
It sounded of a warning.
“Logan.” My heart crashed against my ribs like it could claw its way to meet with him. His raged back.
His eyes dragged down my body until his hot gaze landed on my underwear. Then he swept back up to my face.
“Finish.” The command was a whisper of seduction, so low and lethal I would have thought I’d made it up except for the fact I couldn’t look away from the movement of his lips. The way his teeth grazed the plump flesh when he formed the word, the way his tongue just peeked out at the end.
“Logan, please.” My chest jerked, and my fingers twitched.
I wanted to beg him to do it. To put me out of my misery.
But I was chained.
Tied.
Shackled to his potency.
“Let me see you finish, Aster. Go back there…where you were…with me. Finish.”
My tongue swept over my dried lips. “Logan. Please.”
“Who do you belong to?”
My thighs trembled and my pussy throbbed.
So heavy and needy I had to stop myself from lifting my hips to rub against his pants.
You.
You.
It shouted from my soul.
Even though it didn’t come from my mouth, I knew he saw its truth in my eyes.
“Who, Aster? Who do you belong to? I need you to say it.”
I saw the flash of grief. What was at stake.
The confession rolled out without permission. “You.”
Because this time, it wasn’t about some stupid bet or deal.
It wasn’t temporary.
It was yesterday.
It was today.
It was forever.
It was the bare, violent truth.
Dark satisfaction flashed through his expression, the angle of his fierce jaw rigid, his eyes glinting with dominance.
“Finish, Little Star.”
My spirit thrashed.
Panged and danced and sang.
My stupid, tattered heart grew wings.
Emotion gathered so fast I was afraid it would seep out through my eyes.
He leaned down, but only his breath touched my ear. “Are you wet, Aster? Are you wet for me? Is it me you’ve been thinking about all these years?”
Tremors rocked me head to toe. “Don’t make me admit that.”
“You don’t have to.” His voice was close to cruel. Temptation. A tool. “I already smell you. I already feel you. I already know you.”
“Let me hate you.” I begged it.
“No,” he grunted back.
I gulped, and a fresh rash of chills lifted across my skin when he leaned down and ran his breath along the length of my jaw, his lips fluttering the barest fraction away.
A tease.
Torment.
“Close your eyes, Aster. Go back to where you were. Just for a minute. Let me watch you.”
I was afraid if I went there, I’d take him with me, or that maybe I’d never make it back.
But the lust was too thick.
His presence too full.
And my hand was splaying across my stomach, slipping beneath the lace, my fingers sweeping across my clit, rubbing as I closed my eyes and tried to pretend we were in a faraway place. That we’d made it out. That our promises had been kept.
That he hadn’t done what he’d done, and it hadn’t cost what it had.
I knew he went there with me. That he saw the same thing. Our hearts and minds and hopes alike, even though they’d been scattered like toxic waste between us.
I knew it from the harsh pants that roughed from his throat.
I knew it with the hard thunder of his heart.
I knew it with the whisper of his tongue.
“Beautiful. So fucking beautiful. I’m going to lose my mind.”
A whimper wheezed from my lungs as I kept stroking myself. As I felt his aura surround.
Every inch of him hard.
Those eyes flashed before he eased back a fraction so he could get a better view.
I got caught in the flames. Lost to an inferno of greed that whipped through the air.
It melted my inhibitions and scorched my sanity.
The air sizzled.
Crackled.
Seethed.
He took me by the knees and spread me farther.
A groan rumbled in his chest and climbed his throat as I rubbed myself faster.
Building.
Building.
His hands curled in tighter before he let go with his right hand and reached down and pulled the crotch of my panties to the side.
His tongue licked his plush, decadent lips. “Look at your cunt. I wanted to forget how perfect you are. Not for one day, Aster, not for one day.”
“Please.” My hips bucked.
“What do you need?”
“I need to feel you.”
Without hesitation, he drove two big fingers inside me.
That was all it took to tear me apart.
An orgasm gathered from the inner parts of me, where I’d hidden him away, where I’d kept him like a dirty secret when he’d been the most beautiful part of my life.
And I split.
Rapture took hold. A perfect eruption that burst in my body.
And I was heading in that one singular direction where I knew I shouldn’t go.
Soaring.
Shooting.
My North Star.
“Fuck. I feel it, Aster baby, I feel what I do to you.”
I gasped and shook and arched from the bed.
“Tell me again.” It was the rough scrape of a demand from his mouth.
I didn’t need him to clarify. “You. You.”
It has always been you.
A truth that would get him killed if anyone knew.
My eyes pinched closed as I was rushed with regret, overcome by the reality of my stupidity.
My recklessness.
Agony fisted with the bliss.
His hand was suddenly on my chin, squeezing tight, the word harsh and hard when he said, “Don’t.”
My eyes peeled open, and I blinked at the raw beauty that hovered over me. “I never should have come here.”
He cracked an arrogant grin. “Oh, you’re gonna come, Aster. Again and again.”
A blush rushed to my cheeks, sweet, sweet heat, that swoony, goofy boy I’d once known cracking through the surface of who he’d become.
“Logan.” My voice turned tender, and I reached up and traced the cut on his mouth. Anger burned from my soul—because I knew.
I knew.
Logan took me by the wrist and drew those fingers into his mouth. He hummed as he sucked.
That barely sated fire leapt.
He kissed the tips when he let them go.
“I’ll kill him, Aster. I’ll kill them all.”
Without saying anything else, he crawled off the end of the bed and walked out, shutting the door behind him. He left me lying there, floating adrift, terrified the current would always lead me back to him.
THIRTEEN
ASTER
Little girl dreams…
Really, I should have known better than to have believed in them. Known better than to wish upon the stars when I could never rise high enough to touch them.
I’d been shaped and molded since the days I’d sat in front of my dressing mirror as a tiny child. Before she’d passed, my mother would brush my long, brown locks and tell me the order of my life as if it might be a fairytale rather than a horror story.
It hadn’t taken me all that long to see it for what it was. To recognize something in our lives was amiss.
Perhaps that was why I’d buried myself in the pages of books. In fantasies and faraway lands where this one never existed, and I could be anyone I wanted to be.
I guessed I shouldn’t have been surprised it was there that I first saw you. When I’d been nudged out of a love story that had my pulse racing and my heart in my throat when I’d felt the shimmery disturbance come whispering down the hall.
I’d peered over the couch to find you staring back.
As if you’d felt it, too.
The tall, beautiful boy with black hair and the greenest eyes.
Intrigue.
It sparked and glimmered and called across the space.
Christof nudged you to move along.
I should have let you go and forgotten that I’d ever seen you.
It was forbidden for me to speak to anyone who walked these halls. I really wasn’t supposed to be here at all, but my papa knew my love for books, and my excursions to the library were our little secret.
I waited until you were alone because I somehow needed you to become my secret, too.
I peered around the door at you sitting so unsure at the desk with your backpack at your feet, awkward and confident at the same time.
You didn’t belong there. I knew it in an instant. The same way I knew that I didn’t, either.
“Why are you hiding?” you’d muttered, staring ahead without glancing my way.
I held your first words like one of those dreams.
“Because I have to.”
Then you turned and studied me like I was a mystery. “Are you going to get into trouble?”
My head frantically shook. “No. I’m going to get you into trouble.”
You’d smirked. “Do I look like the kind of guy who minds? I think I can handle it.”
I should have warned you that you would.
But I’d wanted a different story. A better story. And I knew I wanted it with you.
My North Star, my North Star.
It was the first day I believed in you.
FOURTEEN
ASTER
The barest rays of morning light illuminated the bedroom window as I pressed my ear to the door and listened. My heart was a riot in my chest.
Memories of last night lingered like a bad, blissful dream. That sticky, heavy sense that everything was off, that my world no longer rotated the same way, the truth that nothing was going to be the same.
Before dawn, I’d woken drenched in sweat from a nightmare.
In fear.
In those old chains that wanted to drag me back to conformity.
As the day had broken on the snow-covered Earth, I’d come to the quick realization I couldn’t remain that girl. Not anymore. The hardest part was I didn’t want to hurt anyone on the road to finding my destination.
I didn’t want to hurt Logan, and I didn’t want him to hurt me in return.
I’d only secured that as an impossible feat by letting him touch me last night, proven by the last words he’d spoken before he’d strode out the door.
Now, I had no clue what to do. Every step I took seemed to lead me to a greater mistake.
Closer and closer to the man I should be running the opposite direction from.
Silence echoed back from within the apartment, and I carefully turned the knob, cracked the door, and peered out into the hall.
You know, all courageous like.
All was clear.
Inhaling a steeling breath, I tiptoed out, my footsteps quieted as I edged down the hall toward the main room.
I paused at the end of it. There was no sound other than the whooshing of the flames in the fireplace.
But I didn’t need him making a sound to know he was there.
Awareness hummed in the air. A dense aura that held a life-beat. A pulse of possession.
I peeked around the corner.
Every cell in my body was drawn that way when I found him sitting at the small, round table in the nook on the right side of the kitchen.
He sat facing out, thumbing through his phone with a cup of coffee sitting in front of him.
The man was angled back in the chair, and he had an ankle hooked over the opposite knee, wearing another one of those fitted suits that made him look like a king.
