My Husband and I Sleep in a Coffin Vol. 1, page 1
Table of Contents
Color Gallery
Title Page
Copyrights and Credits
Table of Contents Page
Chapter 1: A Casket With a Sliding Lid is Totally Worth Having
Chapter 2: Please, Let Me Go, Boss!
Chapter 3: Ten Lifetimes of Pining is a Bone-Deep Pain
Chapter 4: One Disagreement and They Dig Up My Grave
Chapter 5: It’s All Thanks to Shixiong’s Guidance
Chapter 6: Hunger
Chapter 7: Wen Fengjin
Chapter 8: Take Some Pity on This Child
Chapter 9: Black Donkey Hoof Hot Pot
Chapter 10: This is Just the Kind of Hooligan I Am
Chapter 11: Jiangshi Poop Too?!
Chapter 12: Could You Be a Little More Conscientious, You Pig?
Chapter 13: Oho~ It’s Over
Chapter 14: Call a Psychiatrist!
Chapter 15: I Want to Eat Your Pancreas
Chapter 16: The Youth Are Ambitious
Chapter 17: Hubby, a Heart For You
Chapter 18: Who Is It You Want?
Chapter 19: Removing the Mask
Chapter 20: You’re the Only One
Chapter 21: Keep Living With a Smile (sob)
Chapter 22: Tough Love
Chapter 23: Red Bean Rice
Chapter 24: Winning the Tomb Master’s Heart
Chapter 25: He Has Such a Nice Personality
Chapter 26: Would You be Scared of an Extra-Thick Halo?
Chapter 27: Defending the Grave Mound
Chapter 28: Enlightenment
Chapter 29: You Dare Kick the Boss’s Butt?
Chapter 30: First Blood
Chapter 31: The Tomb Master’s Invitation
Chapter 32: True Nature Revealed
Chapter 33: Should I Lie Back Down?
Chapter 34: What Son of a Biscuit Do You Think You Are?
Chapter 35: An Unexpected Turn of Events
Chapter 36: That Bitter Time
Chapter 37: The Sin of Avarice
Chapter 37: The Sin of Avarice image
Chapter 37: The Sin of Avarice
Chapter 38: I’ll Beat Your Ass You Sonuvabitch!
Chapter 39: Activating Land Mode
Chapter 40: I Want a Bed
Chapter 41: Cola, Fried Chicken, and Hamburgers!
Chapter 42: I’ll Send You Spiraling Into the Stratosphere
Chapter 43: You’re Going to Die
The Story Continues
Afterword
Character Guide & Glossary
Characters, Names and Locations
Glossary
About Wu Shui Bu Du
Back Cover
Footnotes
Newsletter
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Chapter 1:
A Casket With a Sliding Lid is Totally Worth Having
HELLO EVERYONE, my name is Wang Xiaomie.
I’m currently lying in a casket, wearing a red wedding dress, after having been reincarnated as a thousand-year-old dead zongzi1(jiangshi). I’m seriously panicking right now. Not only am I too scared to move, but I also need to pee.
Why, you ask? Because I’ve realized this isn’t even the scariest part. The scariest part is that I just noticed this isn’t a one-person casket…it’s a mother-fluffing double bed!
Wang Xiaomie squeezed his eyes shut. The truth was he’d actually been awake for a good while now, but there was just something about opening your eyes first thing in the morning to find that you were no longer yourself, but a guy in an ancient wedding dress. (And by “guy,” he meant the dead kind.)
Beside him lay a beautiful man who looked almost as lifelike as the actually living, dressed in a gorgeous red-and-black robe with tons of fancy detailing.
(This guy was also the dead kind.)
Wang Xiaomie’s eyes rolled back into his head. He’d fainted from fear.
When he woke up again, it was to discover…th-th-th-the dude next to him had moved too?!
WTF!
Wang Xiaomie squeezed his eyes shut again, too scared to look.
So what if he’s hot?!! No matter how hot he is, that’s still a dead guy right there! And he can fluffin’ resurrect himself, too! Oh Jade Emperor, Tathagata, Sakyamuni, Mary Mother of Jesus…
Scenes of jiangshi, Daoist priests, and the like flashed wildly across Wang Xiaomie’s mind. He was afraid the bigger zongzi beside him would break his neck with one bite.
But the dude next to him only grew more restless. Suddenly, something ice-cold pressed against Wang Xiaomie’s neck.
AAAAH—!
He desperately restrained both his bladder and his voice, feeling goosebumps spread across his neck—
Huh? Wait, could dead people get goosebumps?
Wang Xiaomie had this bad habit where the more frightened or nervous he was on the inside, the calmer he’d look on the outside. Even better, when he was really frightened or nervous, it got easier to make him laugh. For example, when he was a kid getting a shot at the doctor, the other kids were tearfully wailing while he sat there laughing his little head off. The nurse had been worried the injection had somehow turned him stupid. He was a profound example of what people meant when they said “Steady as an old hound without, actually freaked out within.”
Relying on his years of practiced cowardice, Wang Xiaomie managed to endure the itch on his neck. He didn’t move until that cold sensation ceased. But before he could breathe a sigh of relief…the hot zongzi started trying to pull off his clothes.
That’s right—he was stripping him.
Eff your granddad, you stinkin’ perv—! His icy claws’ve gotten far enough in to start rubbing at my skin! If I don’t jump up and start stompin’ on your knees then I might as well write my family name backward!
…Though “Wang” written backward looks exactly the same.
Wang Xiaomie had only just gathered the courage to defend his honor and integrity when the super-sexy zongzi in the ancient outfit gently hugged him. He sighed, chilly breath whispering over Wang Xiaomie’s forehead. “Mian Deng, another day has passed in the mortal world. How many more will pass before you wake?”
So the zongzi could speak! Wang Xiaomie silently thought: Who is Mian Deng? Don’t tell me that’s the owner of the body I’m in now? Guess this body’s only preserved against rot—it didn’t actually come back to life.
Just as he was thinking this, an icy pair of lips approached him, bringing with them the scent of aged eaglewood. Those lips came right up against his mouth, and then pressed down in a soft and affectionate kiss.
WTF—that was my first kiss!
Internally, Wang Xiaomie was crying a river. He’d never imagined his first kiss would be destined for an unfamiliar zongzi—because the guy was still a zongzi, no matter how sexy he might be!
Weh, I was saving my first kiss for my future boyfriend…
But as much as this pained him, nothing was more important than staying alive. Not daring to reveal himself, Wang Xiaomie kept his eyes shut and laid there in the darkness, feeling the careful intimacy of the kiss on his lips. The love and protectiveness he sensed behind the kiss made him feel somewhat bashful—he was a young man, after all, still in his adolescence, which was the one stage of life where you had the least resistance against this sort of excitement.
As Wang Xiaomie unwillingly accepted the stranger’s kiss, he inwardly rejoiced at the fact that the super-sexy zongzi’s chilly lips didn’t smell like a rotting corpse. If his breath had been as rotten as it was in the movies, he definitely would’ve vomited in the guy’s face.
This kiss went on for half an hour. If it weren’t for the fact he was a corpse too now, he’d probably have suffocated to death. Though considering this grave’s owner and the wedding garb he was dressed in, plus the intimate behavior going on right now…
These two couldn’t be ancient gays, could they?!
I, an upstanding young citizen of the modern-day motherland, am suffering the single life, while even ye olde corpses over here got to have romantic partners.
Sigh…
After a while, Wang Xiaomie gradually started to enjoy the kiss. He wasn’t brave enough to use his tongue, merely opening his mouth wider to accept it. The super-sexy zongzi’s careful and deeply heartfelt actions made him suddenly emotional. He and this body’s past owner must have been an extremely lovey-dovey couple once upon a time, or they wouldn’t have gone so far as to be buried together when they died. He made sure to kiss his wife every day, even after becoming a zongzi. And kissed him so compassionately, too! What a good man! Too bad he was dead…
Wang Xiaomie, lost in thought, inadvertently swallowed once.
The soft and affectionate kiss instantly came to an abrupt halt.
As those icy lips left his mouth, the terrified Wang Xiaomie broke out in a cold sweat. Oho, I’m done for.
The atmosphere was deathly still.
Wang Xiaomie cracked his eyes open just a bit, using the light of a glowing night pearl inside the casket to sneak a peek. He found that the super-sexy zongzi was wearing a red-and-black ancient robe, with a red crow n perched on his raven hair, and a bit of bright-red patterning between his eyebrows. He had a face that was delicately contoured but not without sharpness, blue lips, and long and narrow eyes with far more black than white, which were currently looking at him with an extremely complicated expression of mingled happiness, excitement, and a whole lot of trepidation.
Oh my god!
Wang Xiaomie hurriedly shut his eyes again in a foolishly hopeful attempt to pretend that hadn’t happened. Meanwhile, the undead hottie pressed something, somewhere, causing the casket to emit the sound of a mechanism activating.
And then the casket lid unexpectedly began to slide slowly open.
Bro, who woulda thunk your casket was the sliding-cover model…
Piercing light filtered in through the opening. When Wang Xiaomie finally opened his eyes again, they gradually widened in disbelief. He sat up like he’d forgotten where he was and looked around the outside of the casket.
They were in a rounded cavern so massive it was like a mountain had been hollowed out. The space was enormous, bigger than the Bird’s Nest Stadium. Cantilevers attached to the towering walls supported a thickly dotted expanse of buildings and palaces. They looked just like those temples built on cliffs in scenic areas, with the added ability to look down upon all the buildings below them.
In the middle of this massive space, surrounded by mushroom-like buildings, stood a single gigantic stone pillar wrapped in tree roots. Growing from the wide platform attached to that stone pillar was an old tree so wide you’d need seven people to circle it.
What shocked Wang Xiaomie wasn’t the old tree, though, but the clouds of delicate pink peach flowers blooming from it. No leaves, only flowers! And to what degree were these flowers blooming, you might ask? Intensely enough that it looked like a blazing red fire merrily licking at the tree. The light shining down from above only served to give the tree an even more saintly aura.
Their casket was located smack-dab beneath this blazing red peach tree.
It took quite a long time for the shaken Wang Xiaomie to finally regain his senses, after which he suddenly turned his head.
A youthful zongzi gege with a gaze even hotter than those peach flowers was currently smiling at him.
The two of them stared at each other in silence for a while.
“Ji—jiangshiiiii!” A trembling Wang Xiaomie let out a loud scream, his eyes rolling backward.
And just like that, he fainted.
Chapter 2:
Please, Let Me Go, Boss!
WHEN WANG XIAOMIE woke up, he discovered that he was lying in someone else’s embrace. Though the chest pressed against his back was icy cold, it was also very sturdy, and its owner had even adjusted their position to make the hug more comfortable for him.
A few peach blossom petals landed on him, looking like little sparks of flame amidst the gorgeously detailed patterning of his ancient wedding robe. It was enchantingly beautiful.
If an outside observer saw this—a pair of men in red-and-black wedding robes in such an embrace beneath an ethereal peach tree, atop this towering terrace high above the glorious and colossal underground tomb—they would surely have the impression of soul-stirringly deep love. If a fujoshi were to see this scene, she would have instantly conjured a few thousand little ficlets in her head.
If the man embracing me with such intense possessiveness didn’t happen to be dead, I’d be pretty happy myself.
And not just happy, but horny as well.
But Wang Xiaomie was quite panicked right now—so panicked that his face was completely expressionless and his body shook like someone with Parkinson’s disease, or one of those old washing machines that kept vibrating loudly as they worked.
There was a sound of low, husky laughter from behind him. Wang Xiaomie felt his embracer’s arms tighten a little more. Not only that, but the guy brushed something soft and chilly down along his neck in an extremely lewd fashion. He tentatively guessed that that something was the guy’s lips.
Wang Xiaomie’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. His shaking got so bad he was all but ready to shake his own head right off his neck.
“D-d-dage, if you have something to say, then say it nicely!” As long as you don’t bite me, I’m good with anything you do!
“Mian Deng, how wondrous is your cuteness in this life.” The husky voice, with its hint of chest-rumbling laughter, then quietly continued: “Mian Deng, that stupid old bastard wasn’t lying after all—this pining tree has finally brought you back to me.”
Wang Xiaomie was shaking too violently to hear a single word of that. All he could hear at this point was the sloshing of water inside his head.
The stranger waited a while. Then, apparently dissatisfied with Wang Xiaomie’s lack of response, he turned him around to face him.
Now the two were really and truly making eye contact. Wang Xiaomie had been so focused on his fear of jiangshi that his teeth were chattering. But the zongzi dude facing him—with that red crown and raven hair, that bit of bright-red patterning between his eyebrows, and those long, narrow eyes that were more black than white—had an unnaturally seductive air.
He’d been laughing just a second ago, but now that face looked totally savage. “Why won’t you speak, Mian Deng?”
But what scared Wang Xiaomie most of all was the emotion in those eyes, so intense it was almost distorted—like he’d just witnessed the resurrection of a dead loved one, but also like he’d transformed that love into hatred, such pure hatred that he could tear the other person to pieces with his teeth and swallow him bite by bite!
This time Wang Xiaomie was truly about to vibrate out of his own skin. Allow me to take back what I said earlier about being a lovey-dovey husband and wife. This is clearly one of those shit-uations where the wife crossed a boundary, so he choked said wife to death in a moment of rage and offed himself after!
Wang Xiaomie felt his entire body seize up under that gaze. His mind had been a total blank, but now he was yelling like he was incapable of proper speech. “Spare me, jiangshi-dage! I’m not Mian Deng my name is Wang Xiaomie I live in Nangang on Wutong Road I’ve never been in a relationship or acted improper or fooled around with women even once in my twenty-plus years of life, I might not have any way of explaining why I’m inside this corpse’s body, but!”
After blurting out all that, he hurriedly gasped for breath before continuing, “Dage—you’ve got the wrong guy! Please let me go!”
Wehh, I’m kneeling at your feet here, Dage!
Don’t off me, I haven’t lived long enough. Plus—Wang Xiaomie tearfully added in his head—I’m afraid of ghosts!
After all that, the would-be tyrant across from him softened somewhat. There was a very strange expression on his face, something like doubt, but also a little bit like happiness.
He pulled Wang Xiaomie—who was currently as stiff as a wooden stake—into his loving embrace. The devil’s scary aura was replaced with a soft voice and gentle demeanor as he quietly asked, “Mian Deng, do you not remember anything?”
The speed with which this guy could switch vibes was practically magical, a fact which only served to scare Wang Xiaomie worse, though he continued to explain in a panic, “My—my name is Wang Xiaomie, not Mian Deng…”
“You really did forget everything…”
If you remembered the past, would you ever have allowed me to act as intimate as I have with you? Wen Fengjin looked down at the face of his beloved, whom he held in his arms. Though his body was still that of an eternally preserved corpse, it was enough that his soul had returned. Perhaps, as far as he was concerned, being unable to remember anything was actually a blessing from above…
“Oh, Mian Deng…I’ve been watching over you beneath this pining tree for 1,200 years. Legend has it that, under certain conditions, this tree can summon the souls of bodies buried beneath it from their tenth lives…”
The man’s face had an unhealthy pallor, but this wasn’t enough to influence his overall appearance. When those unusual eyes looked at him, brimming with emotion, Wang Xiaomie actually felt his heart beat for a moment. Pressing his hands over his wildly pounding chest, he silently opened his mouth, then finally said, “You waited in this underground tomb? For over twelve hundred years…”
