My Husband and I Sleep in a Coffin Vol. 1, page 25
It was as if they were a pair of decorative vases. The kind that was covered in dust and not particularly liked by their owner, to boot.
Lei-jie and Xiao-Luo were silent. In this moment, we suddenly feel like we’ve suffered an insult to our dignity as grave robbers, heh heh.
They looked at the big monsters around them, then at Wen Fengjin—who still refused to pay any attention to them, and radiated strong “don’t talk to me” vibes—and pitifully withdrew into a corner. We don’t dare ask anything, and we don’t dare say anything either.
When they’d finished giving themselves a full-body inspection and discovered to their surprise that their injuries were healed, the other master of the tomb appeared.
Wang Xiaomie’s hair was still a little wet. Dressed in a different set of clean red wedding robes, he walked over to them with hot cups of water on a tray and a pleasantly surprised smile on his face.
“Oh good, you’re finally awake! Thank you for helping me and my little Wenzi, have some hot water to drink, haha, we don’t have any tea leaves down here so I could only steep some peach blossoms—go ahead, give it a try!”
They looked at Wang Xiaomie’s soft face, that gentle smile, and those two cups of steaming hot water…
The tomb master made tea for us grave robbers?! And he’s even smiling at us?!
Dearest disciple, have we walked onto the wrong set? Are we actually paying a visit to relatives?
Shifu, wake up! We don’t have any relatives who can give their guests tea in thousand-year-old imperial painted porcelain cups!
Lei-jie and Xiao-Luo looked at the museum-worthy teacups they were holding, and for a moment, were silently conflicted over how exactly they were supposed to drink from them. What do we do if our hands are shaking? What are we supposed to do when this whole thing feels so much like we’re dreaming?
Wang Xiaomie didn’t understand why the pair had gone silent. “Go on, drink up. You’ve slept for a long time, so have some hot water and I’ll get you something to eat.”
They looked at Wang Xiaomie’s harmless, pure, and jade-like eyes.
It was the more open-minded Lei-jie who took the first sip of tea, after which Xiao-Luo wordlessly followed her example. The warm liquid slid down their parched throats into their stomachs, warming their entire bodies, and helping them to relax.
Disciple, does this big zongzi actually seem pretty friendly to you too?
Uh-huh, he’s much more human than Zhen Bei.
As they were thinking this, the bound Zhen Bei turned out to still be alive. He let out a quiet groan, as though he was about to wake.
Before Lei-jie and Xiao-Luo could react, the still-smiling Wang Xiaomie lifted the bothersome hem of his skirt, walked over to Zhen Bei, and quietly called out, “One, two!” And then he kicked him right in the skull!
Zhen Bei’s eyes rolled back and he fainted.
Lei-jie and Xiao-Luo nearly spat out their tea.
Wang Xiaomie went on to step on Zhen Bei’s head, then turned to Wen Fengjin to say, in the same tone, as if he were complaining to his husband about a chronically leaky pipe, “Fengjin, why did he wake up again? Don’t you think his healing skills are too strong? It’s so annoying~”
Wen Fengjin turned back while in the middle of directing Mu Yi and the others in repairing the mausoleum. The cold, detached look on his face instantly melted away to reveal an exasperated yet incredibly doting smile.
“He probably got blood in a transaction with Yan Chun, but it will lose its effect very soon. Also, Xiaomie, don’t lift up your clothes like that, and remember to dry your hair.”
He paused a moment, ultimately deciding to put his work aside for now. After taking a cloth from Mu Yi, he personally wrapped it around Wang Xiaomie’s long hair to slowly soak up the water.
“’Kaaaaay~” Wang Xiaomie lazily drawled, then suddenly leaned back against him, laughing as he rubbed his wet hair against Wen Fengjin’s chin.
Wen Fengjin lifted Wang Xiaomie’s long hair with both hands, somewhat ticklishly narrowing his eyes, but his gaze and smiling face were indulgent to the max.
Lei-jie lowered her teacup. I don’t want to eat this dog food.
Xiao-Luo finished off his tea before nodding emphatically.
It wasn’t until Wang Xiao-Zongzi and Boss Wen were done with their PDA that Wang Xiaomie remembered to go back over to Lei-jie and her companion again. “Right, why did you decide to help us back then?” he asked Lei-jie.
Lei-jie was thrown off by this question. She toyed with her teacup for a long moment, mulling it over, before replying, “Because I’m not a resourceful person, so I prefer to follow my instincts when I do things. To put it better, I do as I please; to put it a worse way, I straight-up just don’t use my IQ.”
Xiao-Luo made a great show of nodding along with folded arms beside her, only to get a slap over the head from Lei-jie, who didn’t even turn around to do so. See that? My shifu’s intuition is so good she’s practically got a third eye!
“I’ve got real good instincts that’ve saved my life a whole bunch of times. Back then, I chose to save you with no hesitation whatsoever because compared to Zhen Bei, who gave me a weird feeling from the start, I’d much rather help you guys.”
Lei-jie flashed a smile in a display of mature frankness, as well as that tenacity particular to women, then raised her cup as she continued, “Looks like my instincts were right as always.”
Wang Xiaomie laughed aloud at that. He really did like people like this, both strong and independent, who seemed like they would shrug off a heavy rain of gunfire and just keep on walking.
“Let’s make a deal,” Wang Xiaomie said, looking at Lei-jie.
He gave a quick summary of the details of this transaction: To put it simply, they wanted to go to the surface, but he and Wen Fengjin didn’t have the required resident identity cards. Add to that the fact that they’d been away from society for far too long, and it would probably be difficult for them to even find a place to live.
But they had untold masses of gold and riches. So he wanted Lei-jie to solve his and Wen Fengjin’s housing and identity problems, and as repayment, they’d let her pick anything she wanted in the mausoleum for herself. While they were at it, she could also help them sell some of the things in the mausoleum to exchange for the currency commonly used on the surface.
Lei-jie hesitantly lowered her head to ponder all this for a moment, while Wen Fengjin coldly watched the two humans. He certainly wasn’t as docile and considerate to outsiders as he was with Wang Xiaomie. If they dare to reject Xiaomie, I’ll just have them stay here for eternity, Boss Wen thought silently to himself.
“Oh yeah!” Just as everyone was hesitating, Wang Xiaomie suddenly remembered something and smacked a fist against his palm, surprising the other three into staring blankly at him for a moment. They watched as Wang Xiaomie ran over to a corner of the hall, picked up a very long stick, and came back to them.
That thing might have been rather too long, because when Wang Xiaomie walked with it, he gave off the impression of an overly energetic puppy that looked like it was going to fall head over heels at any moment. The object in his hands knocked a good many times against the ground before reaching the rest of the group.
Seeing Wang Xiaomie’s lightly panting expression and its accompanying soft smile, Wen Fengjin endured until he could endure no more, then reached out to pinch his cheek with thumb and forefinger.
Honestly. He was far too cute.
When a confused Wang Xiaomie looked at him with head tilted, Wen Fengjin lowered his right hand, then lifted both hands together to pinch both delicate cheeks at once.
Sorry. Actually, I still want to pinch you a bit. Yes, I might need to keep going just a little longer.
The interaction was quickly interrupted, however, because Lei-jie—who moments before was giving the impression of a powerful and gifted woman—let out a loud yell, then threw herself at the dirty, knocked-about thing on the floor which Wang Xiaomie had just brought over. Her eyes were so bright they were all but shooting lasers!
Wang Xiaomie poked his head out from behind Wen Fengjin. With his cheeks being tugged out of shape, his words were garbled when he spoke: “Uh, you wook wike you weally wike Kaiming, bu’ I can’t give you Kaiming; this sword got ‘witched in the fight wid Zhen Bei, so you can have id~ Heh heh, no need do tank me—Shao-Wenzi, shtob bulling my mouth, my saliva’s dri—id’s dribbing—shlurp! Shlurp! Id’s dribbing out!”
Wang Xiaomie hurriedly sucked in his drool, then pushed Wen Fengjin’s hands away. His pale, white face even had cartoon blush fingermarks left on it.
Wen Fengjin covered Wang Xiaomie’s mouth with a hand, falling silent under Wang Xiaomie’s questioning gaze. I can’t control my hands.
This time nobody tried to interrupt Boss Wen, who’d become clingier than ever since their “eternal parting,” who wanted more than ever before to hide his treasure to keep for himself.
Chapter 40:
I Want a Bed
LEI-JIE WAS GOING WILD with ecstasy over the sword in her arms.
“Fuck fuck fuck! The Liaoyue Sword—the frickin’ Liaoyue Sword—they gave it to me! Fuck fuck fuck! The Liaoyue Sword’s fuckin’ mine—!”
Xiao-Luo looked at the deranged smile on his shifu’s face and pressed a hand to his forehead. Have you ever seen someone go crazy over winning five million yuan? My sword freak of a shifu is currently acting like she’s won a hundred million.
“The Liaoyue Swooooorrrd! I’m dying here! Heart pills, heart pills! They gave it to me—the Liaoyue Sword—to me! Awooo—shit, you could work me like a horse an’ I wouldn’t care! Hahahaha!”
Lei-jie wasn’t even listening to the words coming out of her own mouth as she hugged the sword, smiling a genuine gigawatt smile, so happy she was about to explode into rainbow fireworks. It was enough to make any bystander jealous.
Now that she had the Liaoyue Sword, Lei-jie was not only willing to help get them to the surface—she wouldn’t even mind getting them into the sky.
Wen Fengjin and Wang Xiaomie had Mu Qi—a monster who could eat ores and spit out a liquid which would change into a sturdy wall after a while—fortify all the parts of the mausoleum that needed fortifying, then put Zhen Bei’s mysterious weapon in storage.
As they were putting it away, Wen Fengjin commented that it was unique. It was with the help of this weapon that Zhen Bei was able to injure Mu Yi and the others and charge in here. That’s right—he didn’t quietly sneak back in. He’d charged in by force, nearly killing Mu Yi and the others in the process. It was a good thing Wen Fengjin managed to give them some blood in time.
Wang Xiaomie frowned, saying, “One man taking on ten monsters—from that perspective, Zhen Bei really does have some balls.”
But Wen Fengjin only shook his head and showed him that copper-gold little hammer: odd, thin, long-handled and fist-sized.
Wen Fengjin waved the little hammer around and smashed it into one of Mu Liu’s broken-off tentacles. It was clearly an ordinary blow, but the tentacle unexpectedly started to sizzle, as if it was getting eaten away by acid. On top of that, it very quickly turned to dust.
Wang Xiaomie was stunned. You’re telling me a thing that can turn physical attacks into magical attacks actually frickin’ exists?! I didn’t transmigrate into some bizarre fantasy world, did I?!
“This isn’t your average weapon, it’s one that has genuinely been empowered with blessings. According to my memory, only that old man was ever able to do such a thing. I don’t know how he got his hands on this, but it appears not all the humans on the surface are average people.”
So Wen Fengjin said.
But this question was very quickly forgotten. After all, they had a far more important matter to deal with. After doing some basic tidying, Wen Fengjin had Mu San carry their casket up to the surface.
Lei-jie, who’d gone ahead to assist, was not the only one stunned by this development. Wang Xiaomie was terrified as well. “Wait, why are you carrying out this casket?! We don’t have anywhere to put it! Plus it isn’t as if we won’t have beds once we’re living on the surface.”
“No.” Wen Fengjin became unexpectedly stubborn about it. “Shixiong and I shared this coffin together for a thousand years. I cannot leave it.”
Wang Xiaomie made a final attempt at arguing as he looked at the casket. “It isn’t as if we’re never coming back…”
Wen Fengjin shook his head: “…No, this casket is more than satisfactory.”
Wang Xiaomie felt like Wen Fengjin was the perfect spokesperson for those people who insisted they couldn’t sleep well in a different bed, always needing to bring along their favorite bed (casket) wherever they went.
This also meant he’d never be able to escape the fate of sleeping in a casket for the rest of his life. How wonderful… Tears immediately started falling from his eyes.
There was no helping it. Lei-jie had no option but to trade the Land Rover she’d driven over for a freight truck big enough to contain the huge two-person casket.
And thus Zhen Bei was sent where he needed to go to be put on trial. Afterward, they quickly left the place, traveling nonstop overnight over rural village paths in order to avoid any trouble, and managed to get to Lei-jie’s house in B City after two rushed days.
Freight trucks were not rare in these mansion-filled suburbs. What with traffic and shopping not being particularly convenient here, people often bought large furniture and the like online.
Moreover, Lei-jie choosing this area as a place to live meant that their neighbors weren’t exactly going to be common people—which meant in turn that no one would question the actions of other residents. This neighborhood’s one ironclad rule was that no one stuck their nose in each other’s business.
When the security guards saw Lei-jie’s face, they quickly and silently opened the front gate. Lei-jie finally breathed a sigh of relief once she drove into her own villa. She then turned to the other three who’d sat through the two-day bumpy ride with her and said, “We’re here, everyone out.”
She was the first out of the car, opening the door to the house before nodding to Wang Xiaomie and Wen Fengjin behind her. “Don’t worry, this place is totally safe. I’ll give you guys this house to live in from now on; you’ll have a lot of freedom here, and nobody will go around asking you questions, either. That casket of yours, though…
“If my eyes haven’t deceived me, that thing’s gotta be made from some special kind of wood, and is probably heavier than steel. There’s no way for any of us to lift it. How about I call some guys to come over and help us carry it in?” she said tentatively.
Wen Fengjin shook his head: “No need.” He then turned around and copied Xiao-Luo’s actions to open the truck’s back door, revealing the casket covered in a moisture-proof tarp.
Wang Xiaomie gazed at that casket and felt full with conviction, his mind filled entirely with: I want a bed, I want a bed, I want a bed.
Wen Fengjin raised his arms slightly and his robes began to rustle on their own. After a few seconds, a thundering howl sounded, as if his sleeves had shattered the very air!
He then slapped his hands against the casket, his palms sticking to the nearly one-ton object as if held there by some sort of magnetic force. The huge, heavy, two-person casket was lifted as easily as if it were made of air or bubbles!
That’s right, he lifted it…
Wang Xiaomie swore with his perfectly good vision that he definitely saw something like the flash of inner energy in wuxia films when Wen Fengjin slapped that casket. Wen Fengjin lifted the thing as easily as if it were a plastic bag.
Seeing the three people who stood by the doorway, their jaws practically touching the ground, he frowned. “What are you standing around for? Out of the way, it’s pretty heavy.”
Sorry, but the way you’re carrying it makes it look like it’s not heavy at all!
They still hurried out of the way so Wen Fengjin could carry it in. Wang Xiaomie scurried in after him. After all, their “bed” was so heavy, it wouldn’t do to go smashing the floor tiles with it.
Behind them, Xiao-Luo picked up his jaw and prodded his shifu’s shoulder. “Shifu.”
Lei-jie turned her head: “What?”
Xiao-Luo surreptitiously whispered, “Is this really alright, Shifu? Just look at the power he has—that’s a thousand-year-old zongzi! What if one day, he stops being satisfied with this and sneaks out to drink someone’s blood or eat their flesh, then turns other people into zongzi, then one person infects the next, and…then the whole city gets turned into jiangshi in the span of a single night?! We’d be condemned throughout all of history!”
Lei-jie was silent for a moment, then just as surreptitiously whispered, “Y’know, Xiao-Luo…”
Xiao-Luo hurried to bring his ear close to listen. “Go on, Shifu.”
“Did you…watch Train to Busan behind my back?! I told you to watch fewer damn zombie flicks! Just look at this frickin’ head of yours—ai—there’s no saving you, you’re beyond help.”
Xiao-Luo was speechless. It can’t be that I’m overthinking things, it’s gotta be that Shifu’s been bought over by them. That’s gotta be it! Weeehh.
Chapter 41:
Cola, Fried Chicken, and Hamburgers!
“THIS IS A CELL PHONE. It lets you communicate with people over a thousand li away and can also order takeout—oh, takeout is when you have other people send you food—
“Here’s some instruction manuals, they’re all related to household electronics, umm—I bought a bunch of children’s reading materials at the store earlier, I think you guys’ll need these. Also a hundred-word picture-recognition book, since you probably don’t understand modern Chinese characters.
“Here, we’ve got some clothes I bought with Xiao-Luo, and these are snacks, cans, and a bunch of other edibles.
“Oh right! There’s also this card! This card was set up under my name, it’s got five hundred thousand on it. Obviously, I know the Liaoyue Sword is worth far more than that, this sum isn’t even worth the scratch marks on the sword, but you can use it for now. The password is—”
