My Husband and I Sleep in a Coffin Vol. 1, page 26
Lei-jie pointed out everything in the house, giving them a basic explanation of each and every object with a woman’s patience. Xiao-Luo even demonstrated to Wen Fengjin how to use things like a TV, refrigerator, washing machine, and heater.
Wen Fengjin looked on with folded arms and a lidded gaze, appearing entirely uninterested in the proceedings.
Of course, if Xiaomie were the one doing the explaining, he’d probably be wrapping his arms around Xiaomie’s waist, smiling as he looked at all these strange objects. But now? Our Boss Wen was watching as an increasingly sweaty Xiao-Luo, worrying that his explanations weren’t clear enough, started gesticulating at the electronics with even more energy than before.
A long moment passed. Wen Fengjin made a single tutting noise.
Xiao-Luo thought: Have I offended him? Eep! I bet that’s it!
Meanwhile, Wang Xiaomie nodded and said to Lei-jie, “Okay, I understand.” He accepted the phone and card, effortlessly swiped open the phone under Lei-jie’s astonished gaze, and looked over its downloaded apps with practiced familiarity.
Ooh! It’s even got Honor of Kings and PUBG! If it weren’t for the fact that Lei-jie was watching, Wang Xiaomie would be registering his own gaming account right now and happily playing a round!
“You sure are a fast learner,” Lei-jie said with genuine admiration.
Wang Xiaomie, who was actually a modern-day person to begin with, gave her a smile. That softness and that tiny bit of pride momentarily led the thirty-something-year-old Lei-jie to forget that this was a big zongzi, and instilled her with the urge to put a hand on his head and pat it gently.
He seemed as soft as a small animal. Someone who looked like Wang Xiaomie should have given off the impression of a gentle, family-oriented kind of man when he smiled, but thanks to the foolish soul that dwelled within him, he looked like a puppy no matter what he did.
“You don’t need to worry about us. Don’t underestimate the intelligence of the ancients, we’ll get used to things in no time at all.” Wang Xiaomie purposely made it sound simpler than it was, and a brightly smiling Lei-jie nodded in response.
“All right, then you guys can rest in the villa today. As for those things over there,” she said, pointing at a package on the floor, “I’ll get these grave goods off your hands real soon, and once I’ve got the money, I’ll put every last cent of it on your card.”
Wang Xiaomie was thrown off by this. “Why?”
Lei-jie shrugged, saying, “You guys gave me the Liaoyue Sword. As far as I’m concerned, that’s the greatest treasure of them all. I’m a swordsmith—the reason I’m always going underground is because I want to see all those weapons of myth and legend, and now I’ve not only seen one, I even got to keep it.
“It’s not good to get too greedy, or I’ll end up losing myself. My point is—whatever I do to repay you, you’ve earned it. So don’t worry.”
Lei-jie raised a hand and, after a moment’s hesitation, patted Wang Xiaomie’s shoulder. “To tell the truth, you genuinely don’t feel like zongzi or monsters to me, so there’s nothing wrong with us being friends. Oh right, and pass on my thanks to that guy—for the Liaoyue Sword, I mean.”
“Okay.” Wang Xiaomie nodded. Looking at Lei-jie’s smile, he suddenly felt that there was still warmth in this world after all. There were always going to be good and bad people. Even in the deepest darkness, you’d always be able to find the sun.
Seeing his shifu motioning at him, Xiao-Luo, who’d pushed himself to the verge of tears after spending so long trying to explain things to Wen Fengjin, hurriedly ran out like someone had set fire to the seat of his pants.
Lei-jie picked up the bag of goods and waved at Wang Xiaomie. “We’ll be going, then. If anything happens, you can call me with the cell phone, just press that button, and don’t forget to keep your phone charged.” Lei-jie gestured like she was making a phone call.
After getting an affirmation from Wang Xiaomie, she looked over at Wen Fengjin behind him. Lei-jie nodded respectfully at this thousand-year-old master of the mausoleum, who’d stunned her from the very start, then left with a practically fleeing Xiao-Luo.
The moment the front door closed, Wang Xiaomie’s entire body relaxed from head to toe. Stars shone in his eyes as he sprang into Wen Fengjin’s arms.
“Yahoooo—I have a phone hahaha, I have the internet! I’m gonna play all the games I couldn’t before~ And look at all the cartoons and comics I missed! And then I’m gonna order lots and lots of milk tea and hamburgers and cola and fried chicken and crayfish, and, and! We have lots of money now! Let’s go on a tour later! We’ll visit all the places we haven’t been before!”
A wild-with-joy Wang Xiaomie howled enthusiastically as he wrapped his legs around Wen Fengjin’s waist. Wen Fengjin supported his bottom, gently smiling as he did so.
Wang Xiaomie suddenly looked down at Wen Fengjin to ask in a panic. “Oh right! Can I eat those things now?! I nearly forgot to ask.”
It was as if a single affirmation, yes or no, from Wen Fengjin would extinguish the light from those doglike eyes, and his nonexistent puppy ears would pitifully droop.
“You can,” said Wen Fengjin.
In that instant, the man who currently had his arms around his neck and legs around his waist began to all but shoot beams of light from his eyes. Those imaginary puppy ears immediately perked up, and if he had a tail, it would have been spinning like a propeller, sending him straight up into the sky.
Wang Xiaomie released his claws from Wen Fengjin’s neck, hands on his hips and laughed with abandon. He turned once again into a little madman as he tapped away at his phone. “Milk tea fried chicken cola! Crayfish burgers maocai! Mwaahahaha—bark bark bark!”
Wen Fengjin, hands still on Wang Xiaomie’s perfectly springy behind, laughed in spite of himself as he looked up at him. “Xiaomie, no dog noises.”
“Bark bark bark.”
“Heheheh…”
A sexily low, husky laugh came from Wen Fengjin’s mouth. He was unable to suppress a smile as he walked slowly around the house with his little madman in his arms. Faced with buildings, transportation, and all sorts of weird electronics which were vastly different from what he was used to a thousand years ago, he suddenly felt much better adjusted than he’d been moments ago.
That’s right—Wen Fengjin wasn’t capable of adjusting to all this in an instant. Even Captain America was at a loss after sleeping for seventy years and arriving in the modern era, let alone someone who’d slept for a thousand.
On the way here, Wang Xiaomie had looked at all the heavy traffic outside, pointed at himself and Wen Fengjin, and said with a laugh, “We’re practically a pair of artifacts someone unearthed.”
You had to admit, this line was extremely fitting for their current situation.
That night, Wang Xiaomie had a simple bath with Wen Fengjin. They bathed together because he was worried Wen Fengjin wouldn’t know how to use the hot water.
Gazing at the naked little zongzi, Wen Fengjin was just about to put his hands on him and do a little something, when he got a handful of purple body wash instead.
“…What is this.”
Wang Xiaomie asked, “Hm? Didn’t you want body wash? Were you looking for shampoo instead?”
Wen Fengjin was silent.
“Oh, I know!” Xiaomie, thinking he’d figured out what his darling hubby wanted, lay back in the large bathtub and had Wen Fengjin lean against him, then poured a big glob of shampoo on Wen Fengjin’s head, saying, “Do you not know how to use shampoo? It’s easy! I’ll show you how to wash with it.”
He pressed his hands down against Wen Fengjin’s head and started scrubbing away with wild abandon. Boss Wen, sitting expressionlessly in the tub with his head buried in bubbles, sighed silently.
“Hey! Don’t lower your head, it’ll get in your eyes that way.”
Just when Wang Xiaomie said this, Wen Fengjin felt a sharp sting in his left eye. He closed it against the irritation caused by the aromatic liquid. He raised his head as well, opening his right eye to watch as a startled Wang Xiaomie hurriedly pulled out a towel to wipe his left eye for him.
With the white foam wiped away, and warm steam rising into the air, Wang Xiaomie momentarily paused. That excessively feminine face carried with it a fierce and commanding presence. One of those long, narrow, and unusual-looking eyes was closed, while the other was looking right up at him. Despite having been hurt, his face was overflowing with tolerance.
Wang Xiaomie pursed his lips, then leaned down to plant a kiss on his mouth.
Aromatic shampoo emitted warm steam as their lips pressed together, soft plump flesh sticking and then parting again, carrying with them an exquisite elasticity…
Also…
They were sweet beyond imagination.
Wang Xiaomie covered his mouth and looked away, pink from the backs of his ears to their very tips, while Wen Fengjin quirked his lips into a smile as he closed his eyes and leaned against his lover’s belly, entirely lowering his guard.
Honestly, I’m very satisfied with this. As long as I can be by his side, even this will bring me fulfillment… Although, Wen Fengjin thought, I suppose I might be greedy. His arm sent up a spray of droplets as it broke through the surface of the water to land gently on the edge of the tub.
Once they were done with their bath, Xiaomie dragged Boss Wen along to put on pajamas, then excitedly used his phone to order a whole bunch of food, covering the table in all his old favorite dishes.
Wen Fengjin frowned at all the overly strong scents tickling his nose. People had actually started paying attention to their health a long time ago, and Wen Fengjin tended to eat very bland foods. In fact, he didn’t need to eat anything to begin with. As such, he tasted a small amount of the food on display and then put down his chopsticks.
Xiaomie was too immersed in the world of gourmet dining to notice. After eating his way through the whole meal like a whirlwind, he did some simple cleanup, then excitedly pulled out his phone, wanting to listen to music and play games and also look at cartoons and comics. At this moment, he wanted nothing more than to split himself into multiple copies so he could really enjoy himself to the fullest.
Time slowly passed. Engrossed in a game, Wang Xiaomie let out a scream of fright when someone suddenly covered his eyes. He turned to see a gloomy-looking Wen Fengjin. He was originally going to throw a fit at having his game interrupted, but the sight of Wen Fengjin’s frosty countenance made him immediately turn coward. “Wh-what’s wrong?”
“It’s night.” Boss Wen stared unblinkingly at him with a disapproving look on his face.
Xiaomie stared blankly back. It was only when he happened to glance out of the window that he realized the entire room was now dark, and also that he had no idea when he’d ended up lying in the casket. He then took a glance at the time. Oh my god it’s practically dawn! His cell phone was also hot and on the verge of dying.
It was only then that Wang Xiaomie realized he’d been so engrossed in his video games that he’d completely neglected Wen Fengjin. He looked at the noticeably unhappy man and suddenly felt somewhat guilty. Coming to the surface for him was like returning to his own territory, and he’d recklessly gone about his merry way, completely forgetting that this really was Wen Fengjin’s first time on the surface. Not just that, but he’d even ignored him in his excitement, leaving Wen Fengjin to sit in vain beside him for a very long time…
Speaking of which, Wen Fengjin didn’t seem to have eaten much. He probably didn’t care for that kind of flavor, huh… That thought made Wang Xiaomie feel even guiltier than before.
His head drooped, and he set the phone down on the ground outside the casket. Because there was a bed in the bedroom, they’d placed their casket in an unoccupied study with a balcony and French windows. “I’m sorry…” he said, pouting, gazing nervously up at Wen Fengjin as he carefully put on a cute act. “Are you mad at me?”
A sour-faced Wen Fengjin said nothing in response, his anger extremely obvious. When he looked at that so-called cell phone, his affection points dropped to absolute zero!
Wang Xiaomie slumped his head against Wen Fengjin’s chest, nuzzling his big ol’ skull against him with all his might. “I was wrong I was wrong I was wrong—”
Wen Fengjin kept a straight face as he nuzzled away, but it was less than a minute before he cracked a smile.
Wang Xiao-Zongzi immediately saw his chance, chuckling with his hair mussed into a bird’s nest as he shamelessly continued nuzzling against Boss Wen’s neck.
Finally, a hand pressed down against his little head, and an exasperated but amused Wen Fengjin knocked his fingers against it. “That’s enough, it’s time for bed.”
“Okay!”
Wang Xiaomie lay down in the casket, wriggling into Wen Fengjin’s arms like an insect and cheekily nesting against his medicinal-smelling chest.
After recovering his memories, the invisible barrier of understanding between them had instantly disappeared, and all their interactions were now as practiced as an old married couple.
The two fell asleep in each other’s arms, and slept soundly all night through.
Chapter 42:
I’ll Send You Spiraling Into the Stratosphere
THE NEXT DAY, Wang Xiaomie—who’d thought that everything would be better by now—immediately understood that he’d set his hopes too high. And it was because of this.
Wang Xiaomie: “Today we’re learning how to integrate with modern society. The modern day isn’t like the Northern Kingdom was back then, we’re very calm and very peaceful now. We don’t have to worry about anything bad happening—the worst that could happen would just be someone stepping on your foot when riding on crowded public transportation, or getting into an argument with a drunk on the street.”
Wen Fengjin: ￣へ￣
Wang Xiaomie: “Of course, there’s still the occasional unexpected event, like pickpockets stealing your phone or something, so promise me you won’t go starting fights willy-nilly. Fengjin, one slap from you could probably send the tops of their skulls flying right off their heads and let passersby get a look at their brains.”
Wen Fengjin: ￣へ￣
Wang Xiaomie: “Also, it’s important that we keep our powers a secret! Er, and we should do good deeds too, okay? In order to prevent having any more system sort of things pop up, you absolutely can’t kill anyone. Right—when someone bothers you, the correct way to handle it is to call the police.”
Wen Fengjin: ￣へ￣
Wang Xiaomie finally reached the end of his patience and angrily flipped the table! “What are you making that face for…? What exactly are you trying to say?!”
Wen Fengjin thought for a moment and said, “No killing people, and if I come across trouble, I should call the police, understood.”
Wang Xiaomie raised his eyebrows, unconvinced. “You really understand?”
“I do.” Wen Fengjin nodded.
And so—
At the store, a man wearing a black jacket, jeans, and short boots, with long silver hair tied up in a ponytail, both hands stuck in his pockets, and a face so beautiful it was sharp enough to cut, frowned and pulled out his phone as he looked at the people around him who were screaming, wildly taking photos, and even asking him for his WeChat ID.
“Hello, police?”
Wang Xiaomie was stunned silent. He sure is making waves.
“Little Gege, are you cosplaying?! Little Gege, do you have WeChat—aaahh so hot!”
“Is your hair real?? Oh my frickin’ god, that hair is killing me, it’s so sexy!”
“Little Gege, where are you from, what are you and that person with you cosplaying? Whooaaa! They’re actually holding hands!”
Wen Fengjin had frowned unhappily, made to attack, then remembered Wang Xiaomie’s words and stopped himself. But just when he took Wang Xiaomie’s hand and started to leave, the crowd exploded with yet another chorus of screams.
Wang Xiaomie had nothing to say to that. These ignorant onlookers simply assumed they were members of some group or other—but gosh these group members’ looks were just way too heckin’ high-class!
A few girls fixed frenzied stares on Wen Fengjin’s face and hair, drooling as they did. A guy with white hair and black clothes was seriously super stylish! And the instant Wen Fengjin and Wang Xiaomie held hands, the fujo emotion of “I’ll pay the ten bucks to get you married” began burning in a violent conflagration.
The crowd happily and excitedly snapped photos without the slightest ill will, following them everywhere they went, to the point that random bystanders saw what looked like superstars doing some sort of show and started tagging along to make recordings and join in the fun.
Seeing that the commotion behind them was only continuing to grow, Wang Xiaomie immediately abandoned his shopping plans, making quite the detour before he and Wen Fengjin finally managed to shake off their tagalongs.
But there were still people on the road who’d stare at them astonishment, turning their heads at 200 percent speed to try to sneak pictures. If it weren’t for the ugly look on Wen Fengjin’s face, which suggested he might rip the top off someone’s skull at any moment, it would probably have turned into a repeat of the earlier incident.
After they got home, a clearly displeased Wen Fengjin asked, “Why did they attack me?”
Wang Xiaomie couldn’t help laughing at the look on Boss Wen’s face as he replied, “Haha, they weren’t attacking you, they just thought you were super attractive and stylish, and wanted to get to know you. Taking pictures and asking for your WeChat ID are ways of expressing that they like you. Are you satisfied? If you were an average guy, you’d never get this sort of treatment.” If he could have gotten girls to block his way and ask for his number back in college, that would’ve been enough to give him bragging rights for a year.
