My Husband and I Sleep in a Coffin Vol. 1, page 13
Wang Xiaomie thought: Are you really that happy, Boss? You’re practically breaking character here, believe you-Mie!
Wen Fengjin repositioned. He moved from sitting on the edge of the casket to stand on the floor, draping himself over the casket’ lip with one hand caressing Wang Xiaomie’s cheek. One might call his gaze and expression endlessly affectionate and extremely gentle, like he wanted nothing more than to bury the object of his affection deep within his own chest.
“Xiaomie, yesterday…” As he spoke, Boss Wen straightened his face in an attempt to force himself back into character, but couldn’t stop himself from smiling regardless. His eyes glittered bright as he tightly grasped Wang Xiaomie’s hands. “I was very happy yesterday, I’ll take care of you for the rest of eternity, I swear I’ll take responsibility! I’ll never betray your affection or trust!”
Wang Xiaomie was speechless.
“Oh, right, we’ve already been married a while now, haha.”
“…”
Not even that femininely bewitching face could hold back his somewhat foolish smile. Don’t be like this, Boss, you’re scaring me.
Wang Xiaomie gulped as he heard Wen Fengjin say, “In our Northern Kingdom, the first night a girl loses her virginity, she’s expected to have a bowl of red bean rice. Though we have no red beans in our tomb, I did acquire other ingredients from those grave robbers. Here, I’ll help you get dressed before I go make the rice for you.”
Wen Fengjin helped Wang Xiaomie out of the casket, lovingly dressed him with his gaze lowered, then picked him up, causing his long black hair to fall in a curving wave which looked like the softest embroidery against his red wedding dress.
Lying against Wen Fengjin’s bosom with steady arms wrapped around his shoulders and legs, Wang Xiaomie felt moved beyond words. My hubby’s the handsomest, lovingest hubby ever!
Upon reaching the riverbank where they’d previously done laundry, Wen Fengjin carefully set him down and said, “Wait here for me.”
“Okay.” Wang Xiaomie blinked and obediently nodded, eagerly watching as Wen Fengjin got out the pots and things they’d been using, lit a fuel tablet, and started boiling water for porridge.
But while he was making that porridge, Wen Fengjin also mysteriously insisted on hiding what he was doing. By the time Wang Xiaomie got a good look, the beans and rice had already gone into the pot, and the lid was already shut tight.
Wang Xiaomie was so tickled by this that he was grinning at the thought, feigning indifference as he grumbled, “Tch~ Why are you keeping it a secret? Not that I’m curious either way.”
Wen Fengjin smiled at that but did not reply.
After the last night, there seemed to be little pink flowers dancing through the air every time their eyes met. A red-faced Wang Xiaomie thus turned his head away.
Wen Fengjin hid a laugh, the thrill of flirtation written all over his face.
Cooking the porridge would take a very long time, and the atmosphere was a quiet one. Wang Xiaomie kept struggling with the desire to look at Wen Fengjin, but whenever he turned his head—heheh, Boss Wen would be looking right back at him, looking pleased as punch.
Aiyo~ What an awfully amazing first time!
Wang Xiaomie suddenly stood: “I-I-I, I’m going to the riverside to play with mud!”
Wen Fengjin was momentarily thrown off, then nodded with a smile on his lips.
Wang Xiaomie walked mechanically over to the river and squatted down a good distance away from him. He started using river water to play with the mud, molding it into all sorts of random shapes as he recalled the events of the day before, unable to stop himself from chuckling to himself, his face a bright red.
Drool~ Wen Fengjin has such a strong waist~ Drool~ Last night~ Eheheh~
When he came back to his senses, he looked down to realize that the mud in his hand had been molded into the shape of Wen Fengjin’s dick.
Aaahhh!
Wang Xiaomie immediately squashed it flat. Smoke poured out his ears. He wanted nothing more than to crawl into a hole in the ground. His eyes shone wet and a blush colored his pretty, delicate face as he covered his mouth with the back of his clean hand.
…Mom, it really is hard for a man in the throes of ♥♥♥ to control his thoughts after getting a taste of adulthood for the first time!
Unbeknownst to him, Wen Fengjin—watching from a distance as he made all those embarrassed expressions—slowly opened his mouth to bite his lower lip.
Mmhm, he’s extremely cute. Mmhm, I so want to fuck him.
This ancient, undying man, eternally caught in the throes of ♥♥♥, was even less able to control his thoughts.
As the foul stench of love filled the atmosphere, the porridge finished cooking. Its warm, delicate fragrance suffused the air. Wen Fengjin opened the lid and stirred it lightly, a satisfied expression appearing on his face. “Xiaomie, come and eat.”
“Right, okay!” Wang Xiaomie hurriedly put down the mud, washed his hands in the ice-cold river, and excitedly headed over. Red bean rice! This was the first time anyone beside his grandma had ever cared for him, and cooked a meal for him to eat!
Wen Fengjin served the hot, fresh-cooked porridge, blowing on it as he said, in a low voice, “This is the first time I’ve made this dish as well. Just eat what you can, don’t burn yourself.”
Wang Xiaomie smiled like an idiot at the gentle look on that face. “Don’t worry, I can handle it! I’ll make sure to eat it all!”
“That’s good—careful, it’s hot.” Wen Fengjin looked just as happy as he handed him the porridge.
Wang Xiaomie, so happy he was practically soaring, accepted the bowl with gusto. His eyes sparkled as he lowered his head to eat, and then… And then, silence.
“…”
Wen Fengjin, who had already taken a bite, noticed Wang Xiaomie sitting stiffly there without eating. He asked with a frown, “What is it, Xiaomie? Is it not to your liking?”
“…It’s not that. Earlier, you said you couldn’t find red beans, but found something else instead, right.”
“That’s right.”
Wang Xiaomie expressionlessly plucked a fresh green mung bean from the bowl with his chopsticks. “So you used mung beans as a replacement?”
Wen Fengjin tilted his head. “Mung beans relieve inflammation and internal heat. Is there anything wrong?”
Wang Xiaomie silently lifted the bag of mung beans off the ground. On it was written: “Grave-robbing exclusive mung beans! Soaked in specialized holy water for forty-nine days, can be eaten or used to control big zongzi jiangshi. Give a good review on receipt to get two yuan in cash back.”
The heck do you mean by “grave-robbing exclusive mung beans”?! The heck do you mean by “soaked in holy water for forty-nine days”?!
It’s supposed to be talisman-blessed water, you gosh-dang fools! And how do you think the mung beans feel about having to soak for forty-nine whole days?! Just watch them sprout and see how you like it! Good review my ass… For you, only bad! All the bad reviews!
He and the mung bean stared at each other. “I’m super kyoot!” the cute little green bean seemed to say to him. “Eat me an’ you’ll turn gween too!”
Wang Xiaomie smiled and buried his face in a hand. Two wide lines of tears ran from his eyes.
After my first time doing the deed, my big zongzi husband gave me, another big zongzi, a bowl of holy water mung bean porridge. Can I burn a husband like this? Would burning him be illegal? I’m asking online, this is really urgent!
“Eat up, Xiaomie.” Wen Fengjin was even urging him on.
Wang Xiaomie picked up the bowl and thought about slapping it down on his head, but after pausing to consider their respective power levels, he put it back down with a sigh. “Oh, Xiao-Wenzi…”
“Hm?”
“Do you know what it means to wear a green hat, or be called green2?”
Ancient Boss Wen Fengjin shook his head with a frown.
Wang Xiaomie picked out all the beans in his bowl, giving them to Wen Fengjin with a kindly smile. “You’re the one who worked hard yesterday, so you should eat more. I’m happy with just the porridge.”
Wen Fengjin’s expression softened at the mention of the night before. Unexpectedly, he started putting the beans back into his bowl. “You should eat more as well. After all…”
As he chewed on a mouthful of mung bean porridge, Wang Xiaomie could feel the mung beans relieving heat, just as advertised. Even his heart had gone cold.
Maybe it was that jiangshi really couldn’t eat mung beans after all, or maybe the mung beans really had been soaked in holy water, but that night, a familiar feeling began to overtake Wang Xiaomie’s stomach. He got to his feet with a dark look on his face, which darkened even further at the sight of Wen Fengjin looking perfectly fine!
Unfair! How come whenever we wanna fill our bellies, I end up fatter than him—wait, no, I mean how come I’m the one who gets diarrhea?!
“What’s wrong?” Seeing him suffer, Wen Fengjin frowned worriedly. “Say something, Xiaomie, don’t scare me.”
“I’m fine…” Wang Xiaomie gritted his teeth, hands over his stomach. “I need to use the latrine.”
Wen Fengjin stared blankly for a moment, then remembered how he’d been this way last time as well. He immediately picked up Wang Xiaomie, fetched the same paper from the side hall, then rushed off to the same latrine as before.
“I’ll wait at the door.”
Wang Xiaomie nodded carelessly, paper in hand, before running into the little room. He squatted over the pit with a rumbling stomach and a pained look on his face.
Ai, one of these days, Wen Fengjin’s going to poison me to death! At least this time there won’t be a big guy falling from the ceiling, right…?
Wang Xiaomie looked at the stone tile above him, thinking about when he’d met Zhen Bei.
Haha, there’s no way that could ever happen. After all, he’s already found the Fish Pearl. Plus, there’s no way anyone could ever fall for the same trap twice in a row~
Wait! Why do I suddenly feel like I raised a really weird flag by saying that? Hold on, he’s not actually going to come plummeting out of nowhere and prove me wrong, is he?!
Wang Xiaomie stared nervously above him, but by the time he’d finished emptying his bowels and wiped his butt, not a single strange thing had fallen from the ceiling.
Silly me~ Like I said, that would be way too big a coincidence ~
As he thought this, Wang Xiaomie cheerfully pulled up his pants and walked over to the door—only for Wen Fengjin to suddenly appear. He pulled Wang Xiaomie behind him as he lifted his head to glare angrily at something up above.
At this same moment, the stone tile on the ceiling of the room suddenly made a familiar noise before immediately flipping open!
“Wayayayaaaah!” a familiar figure screamed. He hit the ground with a thump, then started whining. “Aiyo, my poor back~”
He deftly picked himself up off the floor, shaking his head and stumbling about as if dizzy. He’d likely rattled his head in the fall. He loudly spat out the dirt in his mouth, brushing himself off while he was at it. All in all, it was quite a while before he actually thought to look around.
And so the three of them abruptly made eye contact. Zhen Bei stared in blank shock for a moment before a wide smile made its way onto his face. He even waved as enthusiastically as a bright-eyed husky!
“Hi! Xiaomie! I’m back again! Did you miss me?!”
The other two were rendered speechless.
Wang Xiaomie stared silently at Zhen Bei for a long moment before gently slapping his own mouth. That’s what you get with your bloody big mouth! And as for you…what are you, a frickin’ beast summon or something?!
Chapter 24:
Winning the Tomb Master’s Heart
WHILE BEAST SUMMON Zhen Bei greeted them with all the closeness of a dear friend, Wen Fengjin sneered. “You again? To think you dared return!”
He shifted in place, preparing to land a killing blow. Wang Xiaomie hurriedly pulled him back, while Zhen Bei quickly waved his hands, saying, urgently, “I didn’t come to graverob this time, I’m here to tip you off!”
Tip them off? Wang Xiaomie blinked: “What do you mean?”
“Don’t listen to his nonsense. If this man can get past Mu Er and find his way here again, he must certainly have some tricks up his sleeve. Get out of my way, Xiaomie. I don’t want to hurt you—trust me, I’ll have this cleaned up quickly.” Wen Fengjin—who had been looking at Zhen Bei with the cold and indifferent gaze of a venomous snake—turned to Wang Xiaomie and ruffled his hair with lowered eyes, cajoling him gently.
Wang Xiaomie, however, knew the ruthlessness beneath Wen Fengjin’s warm façade. When he said “clean up,” he probably really did mean there would be not one hair left of this guy.
“Mu Er? Who’s that?” Zhen Bei waved a hand, saying, “Forget that for now! Listen, I really am here to repay you—I brought you guys some important information! Also, you’re actually the masters of this thousand-year-old tomb, right? I told my brother about it when I got back, haha. He guessed you must be the shixiong the tablet mentioned, who died in a battle over an elixir of immortality, and the demon lord who died for his love of his shixiong.”
He pointed at Wang Xiaomie and Wen Fengjin in turn, then proudly rubbed the tip of his nose.
“I’m not afraid of zongzi, though, plus Xiaomie doesn’t seem like a bad guy, and I owe you guys for saving my dage too. Now that that dead-faced guy’s threatening my ge to come dig up your grave, the least I can do is sneak over here to tell you about it!”
“Died for love… and a demon lord, too?” Wang Xiaomie stared pointedly at the back of Wen Fengjin’s head.
Wen Fengjin stiffened, then quietly cleared his throat. “The tablet was carelessly carved. You needn’t believe what it says.”
Could anyone really get careless about carving a tablet that big? Wang Xiaomie covered his head with a sigh. Forget it… After reading that diary, I already know that this guy grew up weird.
That said, he did care quite a bit about the big news Zhen Bei had just given them. Still holding Wen Fengjin back, he asked Zhen Bei, “What do you mean by important information? Who’s digging up our grave? Also, how did you conveniently manage to fall right in front of me…” I was so shocked, I thought I’d learned a weird summoning technique.
Wen Fengjin stood between the two, hesitating for a moment after Wang Xiaomie took hold of his hand. Ultimately, he didn’t pull free of that icy cold hand, though he still looked at Zhen Bei with cold disinterest. “Answer my shixiong’s question, brat.”
“Brat?” Zhen Bei’s eyes bulged in offense as he pointed at himself, saying, “I’m twenty-four years old!”
Wang Xiaomie rolled his eyes. “I’m over 1,300 years old. Him? Also over 1,300 years old. At our age, the two of us could be in a museum exhibit.”
Zhen Bei was speechless for a moment, then said “…Okay, fine.” He scratched his head, then stepped a little closer. “I’m actually—”
“Not another step!” Wen Fengjin glared at him, “Unless you want your head and body in separate places.”
Grave robbers were treacherous and crafty, and not all such daredevils had evil countenances. In the thousand years since the mausoleum’s creation, there had indeed been a few talented individuals who managed to make it into the depths of the tomb. When they were caught by Wen Fengjin, they would instantly abandon all dignity to beg him for their lives, but the moment he let down his guard, they would quickly attack. Some of them were even willing to use their comrades’ lives as bait if it would help them kill the master of the tomb.
Zhen Bei felt a chill down his neck at Wen Fengjin’s cold and venomous glare. His forehead dripped with sweat. In truth, he was actually so nervous he could barely breathe. That was a zongzi, after all! A thousand-year-old bigshot-jiangshi who’d previously tried to choke him to death without batting an eyelash! The fear of that near-death experience meant just looking at those weird black eyes of Wen Fengjin’s was enough to make him go weak at the knees.
However…
Zhen Bei thought of his goal, then swallowed in an attempt to wet his stress-dry throat, and said, with an incredibly forced smile, “I honestly don’t mean any harm… If you don’t believe me, I’ll toss away my backpack!”
Wen Fengjin looked at Zhen Bei’s stupidly open smile and sneered. “All right. It would be best if you removed your coat as well—also the dagger in your boot, and the talismans inside your shirt.”
“…Fuck, how’d you know about all that?!” A dumbstruck Zhen Bei put his hands over his chest, instantly giving himself away with his actions.
Wen Fengjin immediately grasped this opportunity to mock him. “See, Xiaomie, this is how shameless grave robbers all are—which is why there’s no need for you to believe their lies.”
Wang Xiaomie couldn’t decide if he should be laughing or crying right now. “Fengjin, let him finish.”
Wen Fengjin snorted softly as he turned to glare irritably at Zhen Bei again.
Wang Xiaomie continued, with a yawn, “Hurry up and say your piece, bro, I need to go back to sleep, and we left the casket open—I dunno how I’m gonna deal if a bug crawls in while we’re gone.”
“Oh come on, there’s people coming to dig up your grave and you’re still planning to sleep?!”
“What else do you expect me to do? Do you know how many people come digging around here every year? If it weren’t for the fact there’s no way to make them pay an entry fee, I’d have set up a tourist attraction by now!” The backpacks left behind by grave robbers in that one side hall are piled higher than a mountain! Mu Er—that’s the water-ghost little jiejie who wails to raise the alarm when intruders show up–has practically cried herself hoarse. And Mu Yi is constantly dragging all kinds of backpacks back from the outermost areas of the mausoleum. One perfectly good lizardman, turned into a hamster!
“I gotta say, have you guys been reading too many novels or something? These people must be stupid, constantly obsessed with digging up other people’s graves instead of doing anything productive with their lives… Most of you can’t even make it past Mu Er to the mausoleum’s main entrance, but you keep sending in more!”
