Long Time No Sea, page 19
I pause for a moment, not wanting to offend him but also knowing I just made plans with Cam.
‘Ah, sorry,’ I say. ‘I’ve already made plans with Cam this afternoon.’
Mike’s face sinks, and I can see a hint of anger in his eyes.
‘Of course you have,’ I just about hear him mumble to himself before he heads off to join the buffet line.
I feel a twinge of guilt, but I really have just made plans with Cam, and I can’t abandon him because Mike asks me to. I can meet Mike for lunch another day; I’ll suggest it to him later, and hopefully he’ll come around. It seems like a strange thing for him to be so bothered by. Mike from school was moody, had a temper, would strop if he didn’t get his own way. And Clarky would be overexcited about the silliest things, just constantly trying to have a good time – or what he thought was a good time, at least – and Maxi and DJ would be flirting. And then there was me, pining after Cam, and Cam always feeling just out of my reach.
This really does feel like a school trip because everyone is slowly slipping back into old habits. And I’m just as bad as the rest of them.
24
THEN – 12 JULY 2008
I love our park – the one we always hang out in – especially this beautiful green space, with tall trees surrounding the wide-open lawn in the centre. It’s not very busy so, sometimes, when it’s just our gang here, it feels like there’s no one else in the world.
The sun is shining high in the sky, and the July weather is just perfect today, warm but with a gentle breeze that carries the scent of freshly cut grass. The birds are chirping happily, and you can just about make out the kids playing on the swings on the other side of the trees, but here it’s just us, eating crisps, drinking pop, and enjoying the summer as results day looms.
Oh, and Clarky is here too, home from uni, and on top Clarky form.
‘Seriously, guys, it’s insane,’ Clarky brags, his voice laced with excitement. ‘I’ve got so many girls trying to shag me, it’s hard to keep track.’
‘Trying to shag you?’ Cam repeats back to him. ‘Are you having some sort of problem?’
We all laugh at Cam’s joke – apart from Clarky, who gives Cam the finger, and Mikey, who seems distracted. He’s like this all the time at the moment, we’re barely speaking, and I definitely don’t feel like I can talk to him, which is making breaking up with him really hard.
‘What about your lectures?’ DJ asks.
Clarky’s eyes light up.
‘Actually, there is this one lecturer who’s been really cool. I think she might be into me,’ he replies.
I can’t help but roll my eyes.
‘Clarky, she’s your lecturer. You can’t be serious,’ I reply.
‘Why the hell not?’ he asks, offended I think he might not have sexual prowess (he doesn’t). ‘I’m just saying, I’ve got my suspicions.’
I shake my head, trying not to laugh. ‘Sure,’ I say, not wanting to get into it.
‘And it’s not just the girls,’ he continues, his grin widening.
‘Really?’ Maxi replies, practically singing the word.
‘Nah, not like that,’ Clarky corrects her. ‘I mean the parties are insane. And the booze? Let’s just say I’ve been doing a fair bit of drinking. I had almost a whole bottle of vodka to myself the other week.’
‘Sounds like you’re having a good time,’ DJ says, his tone a little sarcastic, but Clarky is oblivious and keeps talking.
‘And I’ve got some cool housemates lined up for next year. We’re going to be partying every night.’
‘What are your grades like, though?’ Maxi asks him.
Clarky scoffs. ‘You guys are so boring,’ he replies. ‘Uni is about partying! I’m glad you’re all going to a different one now. I bet you have such a dull time. York sounds rubbish.’
‘You say that,’ DJ chimes in. ‘But I’m sure I heard that York has more pubs per square metre, or versus its population, than most places in England – something like that. My point is, there are lots of places to drink.’
‘Really?’ Clarky replies thoughtfully. ‘Perhaps I’ll join you all in York then, I could do my PhD there.’
‘Ha,’ Mikey chimes in – his first contribution to the conversation since we got here. We all turn to him. ‘You’re not doing a PhD, Clarky, come off it, you’re too thick.’
For a few seconds, we’re all stunned into silence. Sure, we all make fun of Clarky, but it’s good-natured fun, and he makes fun of us too. But that, there, that was just plain mean.
‘Steady on, mate,’ Cam warns him gently.
‘And you can piss off,’ Mikey snaps at him. ‘Honestly, you lot are pathetic.’
Mikey gets up and storms off, his feet thumping the ground as though he means harm to every blade of grass he steps on.
‘Well, that was vile,’ Maxi says softly.
‘Should one of us go after him?’ DJ asks.
‘Don’t you dare,’ Maxi replies. ‘I don’t know why he’s being horrible at the moment.’
‘I’ll go after him,’ I say.
‘Jas, no,’ Maxi says, concerned.
‘It’s okay,’ I reassure her. ‘We need to talk.’
Maxi knows what that means – she knows I’ve been trying to find the right time to break up with him, and I can’t think of a better time than now, after he’s been so horrible. He can’t expect me to want to stay with him, if this is how he’s going to act.
‘Mikey, wait a sec,’ I call out, trying to catch my breath as I run after him.
He turns around, looking at me with a mixture of anger and surprise, and stops. He couldn’t look less approachable if he tried, but I couldn’t be more certain that I’m doing the right thing by ending things with him, I just need to do it at the right time, and to figure out what’s going on with him first.
‘What do you want?’ he asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
‘Charming,’ I reply, finding my confidence a little. ‘What’s wrong with you? You’ve been so distant and so mean lately. I don’t get it.’
Mikey scoffs.
‘You don’t get it? Of course you don’t,’ he replies. ‘You don’t care.’
‘What do you mean I don’t care?’ I reply. ‘Of course I care. That’s why I’m here, trying to talk to you.’
‘You won’t even kiss me,’ he replies. ‘So either something is wrong with me or something is wrong with you.’
That remark stops me in my tracks. Wow, he really is being mean.
‘Mikey, things clearly aren’t working out between us,’ I say softly. ‘And with sixth form coming to an end, and the summer ahead of us, perhaps we need to spend some time apart.’
I’m proud of myself. I had no idea what I was going to say but I think that was the best way it could’ve come out. It feels kind, gentle – there’s no need for me to kick off at him for the things he’s saying, perhaps this way we can keep our friendship intact, and by the time we go to uni we might all just be friends again.
‘You’ve just been waiting for an excuse to break up with me,’ he says accusingly. ‘Well done, you finally did it. This is what this is, isn’t it? You breaking up with me.’
I nod, feeling bad, but unable to ignore the sense of relief washing over me at the same time.
‘I think we both need a clean break to figure out who we are and what we want,’ I tell him.
Mikey’s face flushes.
‘Fine,’ he says through gritted teeth. ‘If that’s what you want.’
‘It is,’ I say, not wanting to leave any room for interpretation.
Mikey pauses for a second, as though he’s considering his next words carefully.
‘Is there someone else?’ he asks me. ‘Have you been cheating on me?’
‘How can you even ask me that?’ I reply.
‘That’s not a denial,’ he points out.
I take a step back, not wanting to be near him if he’s going to be like this.
‘I’m not doing this,’ I say. ‘Go home, cool off, give me some space.’
With that, Mikey storms off and I head back towards my friends. I feel so silly but I want to cry. I know I’m doing the right thing, but that was horrible.
‘Are you okay?’ Maxi asks me as I sit back down on the picnic blanket.
‘I’m fine,’ I reply, smiling, trying to hide the wobble in my voice.
One tear manages to escape so I quickly flick it away, pretending to push my hair behind my ear instead, looking down at my knees until the feeling passes.
I feel a hand on mine – well, just a little finger, linking itself with mine. I glance up to see Cam give me a reassuring smile. I smile back.
Not all boys are bad.
25
NOW
As I walk down the corridor towards our room, I can hear faint music and what sounds like giggling coming from behind our door.
Clarky has gone off to find the girls he was talking to yesterday – I swear, he’s forgotten Drea exists, but she appears to have forgotten him too so it’s probably for the best – Cam is finalising plans for whatever we’re about to do, and that just leaves Maxi, DJ and Mike, who I think are all in here.
I’ve just popped up to change my shoes, but as my hand hovers over the door handle, I can’t quite shake the feeling that something’s not right.
Rather than using my key card and walking straight in, my instinct tells me to knock and wait for someone to answer.
The music cuts out. Maxi eventually opens the door.
‘Oh, Jas, hello,’ she says, looking and sounding a little flustered. ‘Do you not have your key card?’
‘I think I left it up here,’ I lie.
For a few seconds, neither of us says a word or moves a muscle.
‘Well, come in, come in,’ she eventually insists.
When I walk in, I see DJ sitting in the centre of his bed, messing around on his phone. He glances up for a moment, giving me a nod.
Pretty sus, if you ask me.
‘How’s it going?’ I say casually as I look for my shoes, in an attempt to seem like I’m not picking up on the awkwardness. There is a definite tension in the air, though, and you could smash through it with a spanking paddle.
Maxi and DJ exchange a glance – one they think I don’t notice – before Maxi answers my question.
‘Going good,’ she says. ‘Just chilling, waiting for Mike to get back so we can see about what to do today – while you’re on your mystery date with Cam.’
Oh, Maxi, don’t think making this about me is going to take the heat off you.
‘Where is Mike?’ I ask.
‘He had a phone call,’ she replies. ‘He seemed like he wanted privacy, so he left.’
‘Oh, okay,’ I say. ‘Well, I’m just going to swap my shoes.’
I pause for a second as I wonder whether I should mind my own business or say something. I feel like Maxi always has my best interests at heart. I should say something, for her sake.
‘Can I have a quick word?’ I ask.
DJ’s head snaps up.
‘I’m going for a shower,’ he tells us.
I can’t help but notice him tighten up the string on the waist of his shorts as he heads for the bathroom. Tell me I’m being paranoid!
As soon as DJ is in the bathroom and the water is running, I cut to the chase.
‘Is something going on between you two?’ I ask her.
‘Jas, I’m a married woman,’ she replies, squeaking with offence.
‘Sit down with me for a moment,’ I say softly.
I grab my camera from my bag on the coffee table/cage and sit down on our bed. Maxi sits next to me.
‘I only spotted this yesterday,’ I tell her. ‘When we were sleeping on the beach, I was struggling to sleep, I was freaked out, it was dark, and I thought I could hear some sort of animal or something.’
I cringe. Telling the story exactly as it happened is all well and good but now that I know what the noises were, my description makes me wince at my own choice of words.
‘Anyway, I was feeling brave so I went to see what it was,’ I continue. ‘But I wasn’t feeling that brave so rather than look into the trees, I used this camera, to flash a light, to hopefully spook whatever… it was.’
I’m careful not to compare the sound of Maxi having sex to a wild animal again.
Maxi’s face falls.
‘I heard your voice, after the flash, so I figured you were having a wee,’ I explain. ‘I didn’t want to embarrass you, so I just went back to where I was sleeping, and didn’t think of it again. Until yesterday, when I saw the photo.’
‘What did you see?’ she asks me quietly, although I suspect she knows the answer.
‘You,’ I tell her. ‘And DJ.’
‘Oh, God, Jas, listen to me, it’s not what it looks like,’ she insists.
I can’t help but pull a face.
‘Maxi, there was no way that photo wasn’t what it looked like,’ I reply.
‘Well, that was obviously what it looks like,’ she corrects herself. ‘But I was scared, I thought I was going to die, I was freezing. You see these things in the movies, don’t you? People are in a situation, they think they’re going to die, their primal instinct kicks in.’
‘I managed to sleep next to Mike without sleeping with him,’ I point out.
‘Well, you’ve always found that easy,’ she replies, a little nastiness coming out. ‘Perhaps if it was Cameron next to you, even you might have struggled.’
Maxi stops, takes a short, sharp breath and then places a hand on my leg.
‘I’m sorry,’ she says, softening. ‘That was uncalled for.’
I get it, she’s in a corner and she’s trying to attack her way out.
‘I know it was a tough night,’ I explain. ‘I was there too. I love DJ, he’s one of my oldest friends, but come on, Maxi, you’re married, and we all know how much you love Rupert. Are you going to throw it all away on Darren Junior from school?’
I have nothing against DJ, or Maxi and DJ as a couple – everyone always thought they would get married – but I have to look at Maxi in isolation, as my friend, my happily married friend.
‘It was just old feelings surging back,’ she tells me. ‘A one-off – it won’t happen again. Promise me no one will ever see that photo, Jas.’
‘I deleted it right away,’ I tell her.
Maxi exhales deeply. ‘It was just a silly mistake,’ she says. ‘I suppose I’ve been kind of lonely recently. I don’t see much of Rupert, he’s always so busy, and being with you guys just feels so great. Like the good old days.’
I do get that. It is nice, to be around everyone again, to feel like that strong support network is back. I couldn’t have got through my teens without my friends around me.
‘Was it really just a one-off?’ I ask her.
‘Jas, you know I would never lie to you,’ she insists. ‘It’s just old feelings. Come on, you’re clearly having them with Cam.’
‘Yeah, but I’m single,’ I reply. ‘And he’s, well, going to be officially single soon. I know he hasn’t told me but it’s none of my business, is it? I’m just trying to be a grown-up, trying not to let it bother me, seeing how things go…’
Maxi looks so, so guilty. I don’t really feel like she’s listening to me.
Then she bursts into tears.
We’re interrupted by the door opening. Mike stops in his tracks when he notices the two of us, Maxi sobbing.
I jump to my feet and meet him at the door, ushering him outside.
‘We should probably give her a minute,’ I tell him. ‘She’s just feeling a bit emotional today, she’s okay, though.’
‘Oh, right, okay,’ he replies. ‘Women stuff?’
‘Yes,’ I say quickly, unsure how I feel about that, but happy to take any excuse. ‘Anyway, are you okay? Maxi said you were on the phone.’
‘Work stuff,’ he replies. ‘Are you off to meet Cam now?’
‘Erm, yeah,’ I say, trying not to sound as awkward as I feel.
‘What’s going on with you and Cam?’ he asks.
‘I’m not actually sure,’ I reply. ‘He’s arranged for us to do something, but not told me what. So that will be interesting.’
‘No, that’s not what I mean,’ he says – I knew what he meant. ‘Is something going on between the two of you?’
I think for a moment. I’m not actually sure how much of Mike’s business this is. I know, he’s my ex, but a brief one from a lifetime ago – we didn’t even do anything.
As I shake my head, I feel my cheeks flush.
‘Nothing is going on between us,’ I say casually. ‘We’re just catching up, hanging out.’
The truth is that I wish something was going on between us – of course, that’s not something I should mention now.
‘That’s good,’ he says, nodding with relief. ‘I was just concerned about you getting hurt.’
I raise my brow. Why is Mike asking? Why does he care? Oh, God, he doesn’t want to get back together, does he? I need to nip this in the bud ASAP.
‘There’s nothing to worry about, I’m not going to get hurt,’ I insist. ‘To be honest, I’m not looking for a relationship at the moment.’
‘Oh, okay,’ Mike replies. ‘Well, I’ll let you go.’
I feel bad, lying to him like that, but I really can’t have him getting the wrong idea. But while it may be a lie, that I’m not looking for a relationship right now, it is technically true that nothing is going on between me and Cam.
But, more and more every day now, I really, really wish there was.
26
THEN – 27 JULY 2008
‘Are you two married?’ a small boy with brown hair and a jazzy SpongeBob SquarePants wetsuit asks us as he roots around in his nose with what looks like the best part of his index finger.
‘You think just because she’s dressed as a mummy shark and I’m dressed as a daddy shark that we’re married?’ Cam jokes. ‘No, we’re not married, we’re just friends.’
