Long Time No Sea, page 16
‘You don’t want him at your orgy,’ Cam starts. ‘I’d be more worried about him making me toast.’
We all laugh.
‘Ciao, hello, English or Italiano?’ a hotel employee hailing from Newcastle asks us.
The people who work here are easy to spot because they wear bright pink outfits, making them stand out in a crowd.
‘English,’ Maxi tells him. ‘Are most people here English?’
‘I would say mostly, yes,’ he replies. ‘Like Ibiza or Benidorm. This resort was definitely marketed at English customers, somewhere new and different for them to come for the usual summer holiday or drinking, dancing and, ahem, summer romances – they hired most of the staff from back home too. My name is Tom.’
‘Nice to meet you, Tom,’ I say politely.
‘You too,’ he replies. ‘I am here to see if you guys want to join in with the group games?’
‘More info,’ Maxi says quickly. ‘Always more info before I agree to anything.’
Tom laughs.
‘Well, as you can see, party coordinators like me are approaching each group, to see who wants to participate,’ he explains. ‘I’m armed with a clipboard and a stopwatch. Geri is our gamemaster, she’ll be up on the stage setting the challenges, and I would be assigned to your group, to score you. The winning group gets a three-thousand-pound bar tab, so it’s worth rolling the dice – so to speak.’
‘Should we wait for Clarky?’ Maxi asks us.
‘Are you talking about Clark?’ Tom asks.
‘Oh, God, what has he done?’ I ask.
Tom laughs. ‘Oh, no, nothing,’ he replies. ‘But he’s with Amy’s group. You see that gang of girls over there? I only ask because it’s not every day you meet a Clark. We had a bit of a laugh because he’s participating in an all-girl group.’
We glance over to see where Tom is pointing and, sure enough, there is Clarky with a gaggle of girls. He looks happy enough – more than happy, even. I’m glad I didn’t tell him about spotting Drea.
‘How’s he managed that?’ DJ asks no one in particular, sounding almost annoyed.
‘Right, well, we should participate just to beat Clark,’ Maxi says. ‘Sign us up, Tom.’
I glance around the resort. Lots of groups are taking part, each with their own party coordinator assigned, in their bright pink outfits, with their pink visors. Suddenly, I’m getting quite a strong Squid Game vibe, but it’s too late to back out now.
‘Perfect,’ Tom says. ‘It’s groups with even numbers only, so four is perfect. I highly recommend getting into pairs, it definitely helps.’
‘Me and DJ, Jas and Cam?’ Maxi suggests. ‘Like old times.’
‘Are you couples?’ Tom asks.
‘No, no, we’re not couples,’ DJ says quickly. ‘Old friends.’
‘I’ve run this game at one of our other resorts,’ Tom tells us. ‘Sometimes being in a couple makes it easier.’
‘We were a couple when we were kids,’ DJ tells Tom. ‘Perhaps that will help.’
‘I’m going to say not,’ Tom replies, laughing in a way that makes me think the joke will soon be obvious.
‘Ciao, hello, bonjour, hola, ’ow do?’ Geri, who is now wearing a microphone, announces from the stage.
Geri definitely hails from our neck of the woods. She’s tall and slim with short bleached-blonde hair. She’s wearing the same pink casual attire as all the other employees with the addition of a pink glitzy waistcoat over the top – to make her stage-fancy, without making her too warm, I’d imagine. The sunlight pings off her clothes, making her twinkle like a disco ball.
‘My name is Geri, I’ll be hosting today’s game,’ she announces. ‘The prize is a three-k bar tab – even that group over there will struggle to get through that – and the game is… Assume the Position!’
It’s safe to say everyone else is more enthusiastic – or drunker, potentially – than us, because they cheer, woo, stand on their seats, inadvertently throw the contents of their drinks over one another.
‘I’m guessing from that reaction some of you have stayed at one of our Spanish resorts and know what’s coming,’ Geri says. ‘You.’
I purse my lips and cock my head.
‘Hmm?’ I say to Tom.
‘Geri will explain,’ he whispers.
‘For those of you who don’t know, this is a fastest-finger-first game,’ she explains. ‘Fastest finger or whatever other appendage the game calls for. I will be reading out a series of limericks, leaving off the very last word or words and it’s your job to guess the missing words. But here’s the fun part, all of the missing words will be sex positions. And here’s the really fun part, you should all be in couples in your groups – that’s because you will submit your answer by getting into said sex position. You will see that each group has been assigned a hunk or a honey with a stopwatch. They will be timing you, to see which team is the fastest. My motto for this game is: you have to be right and you have to be tight. Meaning we want to see the correct sex positions and we want to see you and your partner up close and personal, as if you were doing the real deal. Sound good?’
Everyone cheers. I look to my friends.
‘Well, you’re going to get your dream-orgy wish,’ I tell Maxi with a straight face.
She snorts.
‘Okay, I know we all just gave it the big talk about going all in here – are we doing this?’ she asks.
I just laugh.
‘I’m in,’ DJ tells her.
‘Come on, Jas, don’t make me do this on my own,’ Maxi says.
I glance over at Cam, who just smiles and shrugs.
‘Okay, fine, let’s do it,’ I reply.
‘That’s what we like to hear,’ Tom replies. ‘So Geri will read out the rhymes. Just work out the sex position and then get into it. I’ll time you, write them all down, and then we go check which teams did it the fastest.’
‘What happens if there’s a tie?’ I ask.
‘We do it again, but naked,’ Tom replies, completely straight-faced. Then he smiles. ‘I’m joking – I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed a draw. Both teams probably get a prize each. Don’t worry about it.’
Geri goes through the aim of the game again, for a late-joining group.
‘Play with your partner, play with your friend, play with a stranger – the only thing you can’t do is play with yourself,’ Geri jokes. ‘I’m looking at you, love.’
A man shouts something from further back in the crowd.
‘What was that, love?’ Geri asks him.
‘I said speak up, we can’t hear you, love,’ the man heckles her.
Oh, there’s always one.
‘You can’t hear me with a microphone, but I can hear you?’ she points out.
‘I’m shouting,’ he replies.
‘Well, there you go, dickhead, that’s why you can’t hear me,’ she concludes, finishing him with a smile. ‘Right, now, on to the quiz. Do you all have your partners at the ready?’
A wave of replies bounce around like beach balls. I take a deep breath.
‘Okay, stopwatches at the ready, your first limerick is coming – maybe some of you will be too,’ Geri jokes before pausing for dramatic effect.
There once was a man name Kyle,
Who could get any girl with a smile,
He’d be on to a winner,
Wouldn’t need to buy dinner,
To convince them to do…
I look to my friends.
‘Didn’t you two study English?’ Maxi points out.
‘Sex positions rarely came up,’ Cam says with a laugh.
I think for a moment. They’re limericks, not cryptic crossword clues, it’s going to be some really naff rhyme.
‘Doggy style,’ I blurt quietly.
‘Yes!’ Cam says.
For a couple who were together for years but never actually slept together, Maxi and DJ snap into simulated doggy style with a surprising ease.
I pull a dorky face and shrug my shoulders at Cam before kneeling down on my sunlounger. Cam takes my hips in his hands and presses himself up against me – as per the rules of the competition, it’s nothing to get excited about, but it takes a minute for your brain to explain to your body that the person holding you in such an intimate position – the person you’ve had a crush on for decades, a crush that doesn’t seem to want to wear off – is only doing this out of a combination of the desire for free drinks and peer pressure.
‘Wow, look at you all,’ Geri says to the crowd. ‘I doubt this will be the last time many of you will be in this position this holiday – and I doubt it’s the last time I’ll see you in it, you dirty beggars. The answer was, of course, doggy style. Give your partners a pat on the back.’
‘Not bad,’ Tom tells us. ‘You guys need to be quicker, though.’
‘Words I never thought I’d hear in this position,’ Cam jokes as we awkwardly separate.
‘It’s okay, I feel like it will be easy now,’ I reply. ‘I think I was expecting something more sophisticated from the limericks.’
‘A round of shots, to loosen up our already loose friends,’ Geri announces as waiters and waitresses with trays full of shots do the rounds.
‘Only one?’ DJ jokes as he takes one.
‘You only need one of these,’ the waitress warns him.
I knock it back. Well, when in… an unknown place in Italy. Oh my God, it’s so strong, I don’t even know what it is.
‘Blergh,’ I blurt.
‘Whatever it is, it’s gone straight to my head,’ Maxi announces. ‘Especially on top of the strong cocktails.’
The drink – whatever it was – warms my insides all the way down. You know what, I do feel a little looser, and like I want to win this competition. Come on!
‘Ready for another?’ Geri asks. ‘Okay, here we go.’
There once was a girl named Pearl,
Who loved to bounce, twirl and swirl,
She didn’t know why,
It felt so good on her thigh,
But it’s the reason she loves reverse…
‘Cowgirl,’ we all say at the same time.
The boys drop to the floor, flat on their backs. Maxi is on DJ like a shot. I hesitate slightly but I’m pretty quick off the mark too, sitting down on top of Cam, facing his feet. I’m grateful these are – so far at least – positions where I don’t have to look him in the eye.
‘A lot of muscle memory there,’ Geri says. ‘Everyone was fast then. Hey, if you fancy your partner, give them a little bounce.’
As people all around us wiggle and grind, I turn around, to look over my shoulder at Cam.
‘I’d never squash you like that,’ I joke. ‘Your cocktails will come back.’
As he laughs, I look over at Maxi and DJ – the two of them gleefully going through the motions. DJ has his hands on Maxi’s hips as she grinds back and forth on him, throwing her head back, laughing, running her hands through her hair.
I nod towards them, gesturing for Cam to look. He rolls his head back to see.
‘Wow,’ he mouths at me.
Obviously, this is just a game, and no one is naked, but the fact most of us are wearing little more than bikinis and swimming shorts makes it feel so much more intimate than it would if we were wearing jeans.
Geri pushes on.
A good girl who liked to drink wine,
Said of sex, it just wasn’t her time,
But when she swapped wine for brandy,
She got quite randy,
So she found a guy to…
Not the best limerick – not that the aim of the game here is to critique the poetry – but from the second I hear the word ‘wine’, it’s obvious.
‘It’s sixty-nine,’ I whisper, before Geri has even finished.
As Cam and I lie down on our sides, before we fully assume the position, I notice DJ lying on his back, and Maxi about to lie down on top of him. Bloody hell, I’d say get a room, were we not sharing their room with them.
I rest my head on the inside of Cam’s thigh, like it’s a hard pillow. You would think this would feel the most uncomfortable, oddly it feels like the most sexual, but it’s a little easier to keep your distance, and it’s always better not making eye contact with anyone – she says, as though there’s usually an audience for this sort of thing (although I suppose there is in our hotel room).
‘Oh, very good,’ Geri says. ‘I can tell it’s no one’s first time doing that. It’s interesting, to see the different interpretations – I’ll be making a note of that one, if I ever get a bloke with the arms for it… and the stomach.’
We all make that semi-awkward shuffle to our feet again.
‘It’s hard to tell if you’re doing a good job,’ Cam says to me.
‘Story of my life,’ Tom jokes. ‘You guys are doing great, though – seriously quick off the mark. You either know your sex positions or you’re just really good at English.’
‘The second one,’ Cam and I both reply, almost in perfect sync.
‘Your final dirty ditty,’ Geri announces. ‘Here we go…’
There was a young woman called Mary,
Who thought her lady garden was too hairy,
If any man saw,
He would run for the door,
But she could hide it shagging in…
I wince and cringe but only for a second because right now I care about winning more than I would have ever imagined.
‘Missionary,’ I whisper to my teammates, on my way down to the ground, lying flat on my back, my legs splayed apart waiting for Cam, like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Either four rounds of this game is the number it takes to stop caring any more, or it has something to do with that shot. Either way, I’m oddly disappointed this is the last one.
Cam gets on top of me, some of his weight rested on his forearms but the rest is pressing down on my body. This is purely a move of comfort, I swear, but my legs feel crampy just kind of vibing at the side of him, so I wrap my legs around his waist and hook my feet together. I do the same with my arms around his neck.
It’s funny, people always think of this position as so basic, so standard, nothing special at all. But let me tell you, as someone who is getting a whole new perspective on these things given that I’m in this position with someone I’m not actually having sex with, this is the most intimate by far. Obviously, we have the most body-to-body contact with this one but that’s not why, it’s the eye contact, our faces being inches apart. Suddenly, our bodies touching feels like no big deal. It’s our lips, so close, our breath tickling each other’s lips, and our eyes focused on each other, almost looking into one another’s minds, except Cam is hiding it all behind his gorgeous eyes and his cheeky smile. Can he tell what I’m thinking? God, I hope he can’t.
‘Good work,’ Geri says. ‘An oldie but a goodie. Now, don’t move just yet. It’s going to take us an undisclosed amount of time to check all of your times to see which group are our winners so I’m going to give you an opportunity to win bonus points. All you have to do is hold this position while we check the scores – and thank your lucky stars we let you do it in the missionary position and not the maypole or the wonky wheelbarrow.’
‘I don’t even know what they are,’ Cam tells me.
‘I feel like any wheelbarrow would be wonky with my total lack of physical fitness,’ I reply.
‘I don’t know about that,’ he replies. ‘I’ve never had anyone wrap their legs around me so effortlessly.’
Cam flashes me a cheeky smile and I just can’t take it any more. Looking into his eyes is like looking into the sun. It’s too much to handle, I need to look away.
I giggle and avert my gaze, looking to the right, towards our sunloungers. I gasp when I see Mike sitting there, watching.
‘Oh, hello,’ I blurt like an absolute dork. ‘How are you? Did you have a nice shower?’
‘Yeah, it was good,’ he replies, lacking any kind of emotion.
‘Good, good,’ I say. ‘Are you going to have a drink?’
Mike holds up a beer bottle so I can see it.
‘Nice,’ I reply. ‘You need to try the cocktails, they’re incredible. We had some kind of shot too…’
Look at me, chatting away to my ex, like I don’t have another man wedged between my thighs.
‘How long have you been watching?’ I ask.
‘Not long,’ Mike says.
‘It’s not what it looks like,’ Cam dares to joke.
‘We’re trying to win a bar tab,’ I tell him.
It feels like time is standing still now that Mike is feet away from us, watching us. This feels like some sort of betrayal, which obviously it isn’t, but I feel like Mike is giving off a vibe, as though he thinks I’m doing something wrong too.
‘There’s a lot of people playing,’ Mike tells us. ‘I don’t fancy your odds.’
‘Is that Mike?’ I hear Maxi call out. ‘Hello, Mike. You’ve missed such a fun game but apparently there are others. You might need to find a partner, though, if you can.’
Oh, boy.
‘Okay, campers, we have our winners,’ Geri announces. ‘If it’s your team then your party coordinator will let you know. If not, don’t worry, there are plenty more games to come. Thanks for playing.’
‘It’s you guys,’ Tom tells us. ‘You won.’
‘What?’ I squeak.
Without thinking, overjoyed to have won, I squeeze Cam tightly, pulling him down on top of me.
‘We won?’ Maxi squeaks. ‘Oh my God, we won!’
It’s funny, the money means nothing to Maxi, but the victory means everything.
‘We’re playing another game later, similar kind of thing, perfect for groups like yours – fancy it?’ Tom asks.
I look to my friends – everyone looks up for it, nodding, giving me the thumbs up.
‘Count us in,’ I say.
‘Perfect, I’ll come and find you when it’s time – I love a winning team,’ he replies. ‘And as for now, you haven’t just won the bar tab, you’ve won another round of shots. And I’ve asked for an extra one, for your friend.’
Right on cue, a young man turns up with an extra shot. His enthusiasm is no match for the leg of the sunlounger and he trips, spilling the shot all over Mike’s flip-flops.
