Ma, Now I'm Goin Up in the World, page 44
‘I miss your mother!’ I said, feeling the loss of her because she wasn’t around any more.
‘Well, darling, you could be there with her right now if you had taken up my sister’s offer to take you back to live with her in England. Remember when you met her that first week you were staying with my mother?’
‘Yeah, I remember. She said I could go to school. She would even get me a private tutor to help me, and her own daughter, Charlotte, would help me. She’s the same age as me!’
‘Yes, she has just completed her A levels. Now she’s gone to start life at Oxford.’
‘Oh! What’s she doing?’
‘Law,’ he said.
‘Your sister is a doctor, isn’t she, Ralph?’
‘Yes! A professor of medicine. She teaches student doctors,’ he said, lifting his head and dropping it, keeping his eyes on the road.
‘But Charlotte decided not to follow in her footsteps?’ I said, looking at him.
‘Yes! That is quite right,’ he said, lifting his head up and down. ‘She has followed her father into law. He lectures in law.’
‘Oh!’ I said, thinking maybe if I had gone to live with them would I have been able to become a barrister? I always fancied meself strutting around doing me stuff in a wig and gown. Just like Odette’s mother wanted her to do. Anyway, it would have made a change from always being on the other side. Up in court arrested for robbing! Oh, well! I will get where I want to be all in me own good time.
‘So, darling! Why would you not go with her? You would have been very happy. She would have treated you well. You would have become a member of the family. That is what we thought best for you at the time! Why did you resist the idea?’ he said, looking down at me.
I hesitated, then said, ‘I didn’t want to leave you. I loved you.’
‘What? So! That is the reason?’ he said, shaking his head. ‘Well, if I had known that, I would have picked you up, given you a good spanking, then taken you there myself and deposited you in your new life, brooking no nonsense from you!’
‘But you just said you loved me too, Ralph!’
‘Yes, of course I did. What has that got to do with anything? You were a child! I loved you as a child! I wanted what was best for you! For heaven’s sake, Martha. What the bloody hell are you thinking?’
‘Don’t curse at me!’ I snorted, moving meself well back into me own corner. I stared out the window, feeling raging. Huh! So he wouldn’t have missed me! Well, fuck him too!
‘Oh, darling! Come on! Move over beside me,’ he said, reaching his arm over to try and pull me to him. ‘Oh, really! Let us stop this nonsense. We are arguing over piffle!’
‘So!’ I suddenly exploded, not understanding where he was coming from. ‘When? How?’ I was trying to think. I wanted to say, ‘Why did you kiss me!’ but I said, ‘So, when did you change?’
‘What do you mean?’ he said, looking at me confused, with his eyes not understanding.
‘Now! Today, when you kissed me.’
‘Oh, yes!’ he said, taking in a slow breath through his nose. ‘When did my feelings towards you change?’
‘Yes!’ I said, waiting with me mouth open to hear what he would say.
He stared ahead, thinking about it, drawing air in though his nose. ‘I suppose,’ he said, looking at me and grinning, ‘it was around the time you met that young buck!’
‘Why do you always call him that, Ralph?’
‘Well, that is what he is! He spends an awful lot of time sniffing around you!’ he snorted.
‘But, sure, you don’t know him! You never met him.’
‘It was not necessary, darling. I do not need to. I have been listening very carefully to what you say about him. I was not impressed. He is not suitable for you. You would eat him alive, poor chap!’ he laughed, roaring his head off. ‘But the question of when my feelings started to change for you?’ he said quietly. ‘Well, I had thought, my concern was that he would hurt you. I was simply being protective of you. Nothing more. Then you started to disturb my dreams,’ he said lowering his voice even more, making it a whisper. ‘Yes, it was quite disturbing. Particularly when you began to haunt my waking moments. I would hear the laughter of a girl and look around thinking it may be you. I would look into a crowd as I walked through the city, hoping I might meet you,’ he said, sounding very serious, looking sad.
‘You walked along O’Connell Street?’ I said, disappointed I never met him.
‘Of course, you silly goose! What do you think I do? Live in an ivory tower?’ he laughed.
‘Pity we never met!’ I said, thinking it was always only ever in the parlour or out in his mother’s house when I would bump into him. They were the best times! I would sit beside him getting a lift home, then wait patiently for a hug just before he let me out at the hostel.
‘So you were jealous?’ I said quietly, looking at him, smiling. Feeling my heart bursting out with happiness, flying around me. I leapt across the seat, plastering meself into his arms, mooching me head on his chest to get the closest spot, then wrapped me arms around his stomach.
‘Yes, my dearest loved one,’ he said, happily and quietly, wrapping his arm around me, snuggling me into him. ‘I realised then my love had deepened into something more. I loved you as a woman. A very young woman. Much too young, really,’ he said, shaking his head, not looking very happy. ‘But my need for you is very strong, darling,’ he said, taking in a deep breath. ‘You are very lovely. You enrich me with your goodness, your warmth, your laughter. You have so much love within you! It shines out like a beacon! I love you for all this – your naughty sense of humour, your boldness. You are so enduring! How could I not but love you? My precious Martha, you are unique! I cannot but love you. Yes, I have fallen in love with you,’ he muttered, dropping his head, then looking out his side of the window, not wanting me, really, to hear this. But letting me know anyway!
‘The shock of knowing I wanted to keep you all to myself – it has taxed every ounce of my strength. My life has been turned on its head. I am used to an ordered life. This has toppled everything into total confusion – my life as I have known it, my commitment as an ordained priest. I do not take my vows lightly, Martha,’ he said, making it sound like he was giving out. ‘These are all things I hold very dear.’
‘Is that why you were not available every time I came to see you recently?’
He nodded his head, saying quietly, ‘Yes! I was frightened of losing control. I needed time to think. I want to do what is best,’ he said, looking even more serious. ‘It is a dreadful decision for both of us. We cannot allow it to just take its own course!’
‘What do you mean?’ I said, getting worried.
He said nothing, just looked around, seeing where we came to.
36
* * *
We came to another woods with a path up to it. He pulled into the path and drove into a little area and parked near the trees. ‘Shall we get out and take the air? Walk up through the woods?’ he said, leaning back and getting my coat. ‘Here! Wrap up, darling. It’s getting chilly!’
‘OK! Yes, let’s go.’ I jumped out of the car and wriggled into me coat then belted it up.
‘OK!’ he said, pulling up the collar of his sheepskin coat, then leaning into me to pull up the collar of my coat. ‘We must not let you catch cold!’ he said, grinning at me.
‘Why do you always say we, Ralph?’
‘Oh, that is the royal “we”. Victoria, the Queen, would say “We”. By that she meant “Me”,’ he laughed. ‘“We are not amused,” she was wont to say, meaning I am not amused.’ Then he wrapped the scarf around his neck. ‘Let us go!’ he said, grabbing me hand and pulling me up the hill.
I laughed as he dragged me along, letting him do all the work. ‘If you don’t walk, I shall be forced to carry you!’ he said, looking at me like he was threatening.
‘Yeah! You and what little army?’ I said, snatching me hand away and diving well away from him.
‘Oh, come on, darling! Let us take a walk,’ he said, half laughing, watching me getting ready to run across the forest, daring him.
‘Nope! Catch me if you can!’ I said, shaking me head.
He lunged for me and missed. This time I was wide awake. I took off, looking back to see him haring up behind me just about to reach his hand out and grab me. I held me coat and ducked back under his arm and I was gone again. ‘You won’t catch me, mate! I’m far too quick for you!’ I warned, feeling meself getting hysterical with the excitement of him nearly catching me and not wanting him to. I tried not to laugh and let him catch me and win. He was quick as the wind, but I was faster on the ducking and diving. ‘You’re not bad for an aul fella,’ I shouted, getting near a tree.
‘You will pay for this outrageous insult,’ he said, laughing, slowing down to judge which way I would move.
He looked very determined. I flew around the tree and he came from me left, reaching out to grab me. I screamed with the laugh and the fright in me. Me heart was going like the clappers. I was determined he wouldn’t get his hands on me. I ducked and he slipped. That gave me the advantage to tear up the hill and keep going. I looked back to see him stampeding up behind me. I heard a scream coming out of me and ducked to the left without knowing where he was behind me. Then I looked, not able to see him. Me head flew around, looking at the trees and bushes. Jaysus! Where did he get to? I moved slowly, backing away from the tree. I heard a branch crackling and whipped me head around. Suddenly he was barrelling down on top of me.
‘Got you!’ he roared, putting his arms wide, not letting me escape. I went backwards with the fright, screaming just as he lunged, catching me with his two arms, wrapping them around me waist. We ended up piled on top of each other. He went down, twisting himself to stop me hitting the ground and him landing his weight on top of me. But he was still holding on to me. I twisted meself and ended up rolling away from him, trying to get to me feet.
‘You,’ I panted with the laugh, ‘didn’t get me yet.’ I was nearly up and he reached out his hand, trying to get to his feet.
‘Back here! You! Wench!’ he said, grabbing a hold of me coat and pulling me back just as he was getting to his feet. I lost me balance and started falling backwards again, screaming, ‘Ahhh! Lemme go!’
He went down but wouldn’t let go of me. I was laughing and panting, keeping me eyes ahead of me, wanting to escape. Then he went down and I rolled with him. I started screaming with the laugh. He couldn’t keep hold of me.
‘I told you,’ I said, laughing me head off, ‘you were an old man!’
He rolled himself around, giving up trying to get to his feet, saying, ‘We’ll see about that.’
Suddenly he shot out his arm, grabbing a hold of me coat, dragging me to him. Then he rolled on top of me, pinning me down. ‘Got you, my little beauty!’ he said, with a mad gleam in his eye like he had just won something really marvellous. ‘Now who is the old man?’
‘You!’ I screamed, laughing like a hyena.
‘Fifteen lashes with a feather, M’lud!’ he roared. ‘What is that you say, M’lud?’ he said, looking up at an imaginary judge with his eye cocked and his head tilted, listening.
I screamed laughing.
‘Spare the rod, you say, M’lud? Pleasure!’ he snapped. ‘So be it! TLC it shall be!’
‘What’s that?’ I said.
‘Tender loving care! M’lud’s order! Could I not ravish her first, M’lud?’ he asked the imaginary judge again with his face looking hopeful. ‘No! M’lud says out of the question! Doddering old fool! Sorry, darling! But you may ravish me!’
‘What? OK!’ I said, making to push him off me.
‘You little minx!’ he said. ‘How dare you take advantage of an old man like me?’ he croaked, sounding just like an old man. Then he picked me up and wrapped me in his arms and started going mad, making fast little kisses all around me neck and face, spinning me around, laughing, saying, ‘My God! Enough! I need to get my breath.’
I was still out of breath, too, from all me running and laughing.
Then he rolled away from me and started panting, trying to get his breath. I could feel me heart rattling in me chest, trying to get me breath too.
‘Naughty girl!’ he muttered in between pants.
‘Geriatric aul fella,’ I panted.
‘Oh, dear! You will regret it,’ he warned, still waiting for his breath to come back. Then we just stayed quiet, listening to our breathing, with me feeling the damp earth under me. But it was soft and smelled lovely. I felt a sense of great peace. Somehow the earth under me and the forest around me made me feel nothing in the world should worry me. Time here just stands still. This forest just goes on living, growing and being here without too much fuss and bother and worry. Nothing really is that important. Here, this place has gone on for hundreds of years. It will still go on when I am long gone.
I felt me heart slow down and rolled off me back to look at Ralph. He was lying flat out with his arms spread down by his sides, looking up at the clear evening sky, then letting his eyes roam around to the trees with their branches hanging over the paths and their wide trunks losing their bark. He took in a huge sigh, turning his head and resting his eyes on me. I said nothing. Just looked at him. He put out his hand, saying, ‘Come closer, darling. Lie beside me.’
Me heart lurched and I rolled meself over, snuggling into his chest, and his arms wrapped around me. I listened to his heart beating in his chest. It was strong and steady.
‘You know, my love. I was just thinking about that first time I met you.’ He shook his head slowly, looking up at the sky, not really seeing it. ‘You were just a little waif! So bedraggled looking. But there was something in your eyes. Yes, you were exhausted, but you had a fire burning in them. It moved me. I was quiet taken by you, even then. I knew you were unique. Do you know, I look at you now and you are developing into a lovely young woman. Darling, you have come so far in such a short time. What has it been? Two years? Yes, now look at you. You look wonderful. I see you blossoming, more and more. You are maturing.’
‘Ralph?’
‘Yes?’ he said.
I hesitated to say what I wanted, so I kept quiet.
‘Tell me – what is it you want to say to me?’
‘I don’t know,’ I said, very afraid to hear the answer.
‘I shall get it out of you,’ he said, swinging me on top of him, then rolling me to the other side of him. Then he lifted himself up on his left side and looked down at me. ‘Tell me!’
‘No!’ I laughed.
He took my arms and pinned them above me head, then leaned into me. I could feel me heart starting to hammer in me chest. Then he let himself go more and leaned his chest on me. ‘My God!’ he whispered, letting go of me arms and wrapping his hands in mine, still pinned above me head. ‘I never thought I would ever experience anything like the way I’m feeling right now,’ he breathed.
I found me voice and said, ‘What are you feeling. Ralph?’
‘It takes my breath away,’ he whispered. ‘Darling, I love you so very dearly. It is hard to articulate the words that will help you understand. It is so important to me you do understand. I cannot give you what you need. You have years ahead of you! Darling, you are not ready to make a commitment. Even were I to ask you to marry me! Darling, I am very tempted! So close! Yet you are not mature.’
I felt meself going cold. This is not what I want to hear. I started to pull away from him.
‘No, no, please, darling, I beg you! Listen to me,’ he said, moving himself over me so I couldn’t move. ‘This is not what you need. It is part of a commitment. You are not ready for that. I couldn’t do this to you. It would destroy you! I love you much too much to take advantage of you.’
I turned me head away, not wanting to hear.
‘Oh, please, darling. You mean so much to me. Don’t turn away from me. Listen to me. Do you not know just how much I dearly want to make love to you? Now! Right this minute! My God, the need is so overpowering! But what would it serve? It is not just the act itself! For you, it would mean giving yourself entirely to me. It is the same for me. It would be a commitment for both of us, because we love each other. But you are not ready for this kind of relationship. I would hurt you, darling. I understand you better than you think. I know you! I have watched you grow. You are becoming a wonderful young woman. I can’t take that from you. I will not rob you of your future! It is not with me, darling. We could be married. I have a deep yearning for you, to take you all for myself. But you are too hurt! You are so vulnerable. You have never experienced love or affection. In time, you would outgrow me. You have not fully matured yet, Martha. I brought you out today—’
‘Yes! Why did you, Ralph? Why are we here?’ I said.
‘Because I wanted us to be together!’ he said, sounding like he was ready to cry. ‘I needed you to know just how much I love you. You have experienced just how powerful my feelings are for you. So, you know now I am not rejecting you. I am showing you how deep my love for you is by letting you go. You must see this! Martha, I need you to allow yourself to be free from me, move forward with your life. Do this for me, please, darling, because I want only the very best for you. My precious darling! It is almost my gift to you. How else can I prove my love for you? Tell me, darling! Do you want me to make love to you?’
I wanted to say yes but I couldn’t.
He said nothing, just thought about it. Then he said quietly. ‘Yes, it would be so very wonderful to lose myself in you. To take you, right here, this minute. Make you mine. The act would be blissful, while it lasted. But what should we do then? Making love is very sacred, darling, I tell you! It means a commitment, otherwise what? It is hollow. You would feel cheated. Neither of us is able to make a commitment. Do you see what I mean? Do you believe I love you, Martha? Speak to me!’
