Ma, Now I'm Goin Up in the World, page 42
‘Yes, it is a weakness of mine. In my Cambridge days I used to roar around in fast cars. It was all part of being a young buck. We terrorised the county, driving through the countryside at alarming speeds!’ he grinned, shaking his head, thinking he was terrible.
‘Did you drive a sports car?’ I said, looking up at him, not able to get over how handsome he is.
‘Of course, my darling. I needed to cut a dash,’ he said, grinning at me then winking slowly, looking back to the road.
‘Did you have girlfriends?’ I asked him with me heart in me mouth.
‘Yes, of course! I was not a monk, you know.’
‘Oh!’ I said, feeling me heart drop, getting a terrible feeling of jealousy inside me.
‘What?’ he said, twisting his head down to get a look at me, grinning. ‘Don’t be jealous, darling,’ he smiled. ‘I was saving myself for you!’
‘You were?’ I nearly roared, feeling me heart take a leap out of me mouth!
Then he went for the gears again, closing his face down, saying, ‘We must concentrate on the driving,’ he said, facing his head on the road as we steamed up behind the traffic on O’Connell Street.
We drove over O’Connell Bridge, heading past Trinity College, making for the South Side. I opened me bag and took out me cigarettes, saying, ‘Do you want a cigarette, Ralph?’
‘Yes, hang on, darling. I’ll just pull over here.’
We stopped on Sandymount Strand, beside the big houses opposite the sea. Then he switched off the car engine and hopped out of the car. I watched as he pulled off his coat then sat back in the car, throwing it on the back seat. Then he reached up and opened his dog collar, whipping it off, then rushed out of the car again and went around to the boot.
He dropped in the collar and took out a big dark-green wool sweater and pulled it over his head, then jumped back into the car, slamming the door shut. ‘That feels better,’ he said, letting out his breath in a long slow sigh.
I stared at the jumper, admiring it, thinking I would look lovely in that meself. ‘Where did you get the jumper, Ralph? It suits the colour of your eyes,’ I said, smiling up at him.
‘I can’t remember these things,’ he said, not bothered about it. ‘My family insist on keeping me well kitted out. I keep telling them to stop. It is not necessary. But you ladies never listen to a man!’ he said, grinning at me.
I leaned across him and had a look at the label. ‘Ah, yeah! I knew I recognised something like that. It’s Christian Dior. They have them in the men’s department in Brown Thomas. I love that shop. But I would never be able to buy meself a hanky in that place. Anything there would cost me nearly a year’s wages,’ I said, looking mournful.
‘Darling, you look beautiful, Brown Thomas or not!’ he said, looking at me and smiling.
‘Really?’ I said, feeling delighted he thinks I’m looking lovely.
He nodded his head up and down, saying, ‘You are lovely, you know!’
‘I think I will take me coat off too, Ralph,’ I said, moving to open the belt and the buttons.
He watched as I tried twisting to get me long heavy coat off. ‘Wait! Let me help you,’ he said. ‘Lean forward.’
I leaned me head and he slipped the coat off me shoulders, then lifted me arms, letting the coat drop. Then he put his hand across me, catching me under my left arm, and lifted me like I was a feather. Then he slipped the coat from under me and threw it on top of his, left thrown on the back seat. I sat back down and pulled me frock under me and crossed me legs. It made no difference. You could still see the whole way up me thighs almost to me knickers. The frock was too clinging.
‘Cigarettes!’ he suddenly said, and twisted around to grab at his coat and pull out his lighter and a packet of twenty cigarettes.
‘Very posh!’ I said.
‘What? These?’ he grinned, holding out the cigarettes.
‘What else?’
‘You have seen nothing yet, ma cherie!’ he said, grinning at me, showing his dimples and sparkling white teeth. He lit up two cigarettes and handed me one.
‘Oh, this reminds me of the time when I went hitch-hiking around England. A priest I met there in Coventry when I went to Mass, he was on his way down to London and he took me with him. All the way down, Ralph, he kept saying, “Light me up a cigarette and have one for yourself!” I spent me time puffing two cigarettes all the way down to London. I was nearly sick by the time I landed,’ I said, getting the picture all over again, and started to roar me head laughing.
‘You didn’t tell me that one!’ he said, looking at me with a long face on him.
‘Yeah, well, I’m telling you now! What are you getting so ratty about?’ I snorted, puffing on me cigarette and looking over at the sea.
‘Darling, you are such a contradiction!’ he said quietly, pulling me hair out of me eyes.
‘Why? Why do you say that, Ralph?’
‘You have such street sense, yet it is not a naivety with you but an innocence!’
‘Is that a compliment?’ I said.
‘Yes! You know the worst in people yet you see only the best!’
‘Well, the devil takes care of his own!’ I laughed.
‘No, your great allure is your spirituality.’
‘Me? Never! What do you mean?’ I said, wondering if we were thinking the same thing. ‘I’m not all that religious.’
‘You are full of goodness!’ he said, looking at me. ‘You have a pure heart.’
I felt meself getting red in the face, thinking that was a lovely thing he just said. Then it hit me. ‘Wait a minute, Ralph! When I was in the convent, I once managed to get me hands on a book from the nun’s library. Because I used to clean the convent, you know that?’
He nodded his head, listening to me.
‘Well, it was called Abelard and Heloise. He was a monk and she was his student. Then she became even more clever than him. The two of them ended up having an affair. Then the uncle of hers found out and cut off his, eh, you know!’
‘Yes, I do!’ he said, listening and smiling.
‘Well, then, she wouldn’t give him up! And as he didn’t have his credentials any more . . .’ I held me story, seeing Ralph throw back his head and roar laughing. ‘Wait! Let me finish. You know what he did, the good-for-nothing toerag?’
‘Yes,’ Ralph muttered, shaking his head and smiling, saying, ‘go on!’
‘Well!’ I said, continuing me story. ‘He managed to persuade her to go into a bleedin convent! Become a nun! For the love a Jaysus, Ralph! The next thing I know is, you’ll be hatching up some plan to get me into the enclosed order of Carmelite nuns with a bleedin vow of silence! You’ll do anything to get rid of me!’
‘Absolutely not! The Carmelites? They would not dare! What? You a nun? Good God! You would have them all closed down in no time! They would all go barmy!’ he roared, throwing his head back and laughing himself stupid.
‘I’m not that bad! I could be a nun if I wanted to!’ I snorted.
Then he stopped laughing and looked at me, ‘Really, Martha! It is impossible. They would never have you!’
‘Why bloody not?’ I shouted, thinking he was looking down on me. ‘So, you think I’m not good enough, is that it?’ I said, blowing smoke in his face.
‘Don’t do that!’ he said, pushing away me face and opening the window. I opened my side and stuck me head out the window, wondering if I should grab me coat and leave him to his big ideas about himself. Fuck him, if he thinks he’s doing me any favours! In fact he is. Just the thing to get me moving well away from him!
‘In fact, if you must know,’ I snorted, whipping me head around to glare at him, ‘I wouldn’t be a fucking nun if they paid me! So stick that up yer arse! And furthermore! Try walking in my shoes, without your fancy life and your fancy schools and all the other fancy fucking things you had in your life! See how far you would get! One day, Father Ralph Fitzgerald! Just you wait and see! I will show you and your like! I knew it! People like you. Fucking do-gooders! It makes you feel so superior to help little snotty-nosed street kids like I was! But I’m not that any more!’ Then I reached into the back and grabbed me coat. Fuck him! I don’t need a gobshite like him!
‘What are you doing?’ he said, catching me waist as I reached round to grab me coat and scarf. ‘Please, darling! Don’t get upset,’ he said, grabbing and snatching the coat out of me hands and moving over to pull me into his arms. ‘You are so sensitive! It was a joke! The whole bloody thing was nonsense!’ he tried to laugh, seeing I was stone cold. ‘Come on! Let’s not fight! I would not dream of wishing to willingly hurt you!’
‘Yes, you did! You hurt me! I know you think I’m one of your bleedin charity cases!’
‘No, no! Stop it! Of course you are not! Oh, my heavens!’ he said, raising his head to the roof. ‘Why must you always take up what I say as wrong? Don’t be silly! How is it possible I should look down on you? Why would I even think that way? Really, darling, you have no real idea of just how worthy you are. I hold you in very high esteem. Look at me, Martha!’
‘No! I don’t believe a word out of your mouth, Ralph!’
‘Stop! Now you are hurting me!’ he said. Then he was sighing. ‘Come to me!’ he said, moving closer to me and wrapping his arm around me shoulder and the other one around me back, then pulled me tighter into him. He leaned over my seat, saying, ‘Look at me.’
I looked up into his face, seeing his eyes hurting.
‘Don’t fall out with me. I know you can go running off on a tangent! Listen to me, darling. I want to say this.’ Then he paused. I watched his face, seeing him hesitating. Then he cleared his throat and whispered, ‘I love you more than you know! So very much.’
‘You do?’ I whispered, looking into his face and smelling his breath. It smelled of toothpaste. ‘I love you too, Ralph!’
‘Yes, I know, my darling,’ he whispered.
We just stared at each other. Waiting. Feeling the intense pain of wanting to be closer. I could feel the tingling come off him. It felt like the car was charged with electricity. I could almost hear it. Then he moved his head, burying his face in my hair, and let his lips barely touch my neck. Then he slowly moved his face to look at me again. I could feel his hands tightening on my back, stroking me with the palms of his hands. And I reached up to lightly put my hands around his neck, holding him gently. Then he moved his hands up my back and around my sides, stroking me very gently. Then suddenly his lips touched mine and locked. His hand dropped to the side of my seat and I felt meself lowering down as the seat went back. He moved his leg across to my side and spread himself over me. Then his mouth moved around to my neck, drawing it close to my ears, then around to my throat. Then he lifted his lips to mine again. An electric bolt shot through me. Our mouths started opening so fast, yet I could feel it in slow motion. Power surged through me, meeting his. We flowed, with our bodies reacting, wanting to match this power as it moved with the speed of light, shattering me into millions of little pieces, sending me hurtling through infinity. Attracted like a magnet to fuse with what is Ralph, our bodies melted into each other, wanting to become one. My soul his and his mine.
Suddenly we tore back from each other, staring in shock! I could see the colour drain out of him. I felt meself shaking. I couldn’t get a breath. He felt the same because he suddenly breathed, ‘Good God!’ as he stared, holding himself rigid with his eyes locked on mine, still staring in shock. I just stared back at him. Not able to take in what just happened all in the blink of an eye. One kiss! His arms opened, grabbing me to him again, wrapping me in his body. He buried his head in my neck, kissing me, whispering, ‘I love you, my precious darling! More and more my love for you grows. I don’t want to lose you! This is impossible! I never intended we should act on it.’ Then he pulled away, saying, ‘We really are making an exhibition of ourselves, my love! And in broad daylight!’ He laughed, trying to shake off the shock of what just happened.
I felt dazed, saying, ‘Yeah, we have a bit of a cheek.’ I laughed, feeling all shaky. The two of us looked around to see if there was anyone gawking.
‘Come on! Light me up another cigarette and let us get out of here before they call the guards.’
‘Yeah, right!’ I said, saying, ‘It might even make the evening headlines in the paper: “Priest and woman found behaving in an indecent manner in broad daylight on Sandymount Strand”.’
‘Don’t even jest!’ he said, laughing. ‘I would have to take up medicine again!’
‘Yeah! What would your mother say?’ I said.
‘Oh, she is pretty broadminded. Besides, I am an adult. She would respect that!’ he said, dropping his head and looking at me with a twinkle in his eye. ‘We all have the great gift of free will, my precious! We must take responsibility for our own actions!’
‘Yes, I know,’ I sighed, wondering if he was going to patronise me and start giving me a lecture.
‘Where is that cigarette?’ he said, smiling over at me again, hearing me sigh.
‘Oh, yeah! What did you do with the cigarettes, Ralph?’ I said, looking around.
‘Try the glove compartment!’
‘No! Ah, here we are!’ I said, diving into the back seat.
He looked at the great show of leg I was giving and said, laughing, ‘Get thee behind me, Satan. I hope you don’t wear that dress when you are with that young buck!’ he said, sounding very annoyed again.
‘Ah, I told you, Ralphie, darling!’ I said, grinning. ‘I can handle him. He gets nowhere with me!’
‘You are very attractive to men, Martha. I should know,’ he murmured. ‘Make sure you do!’ he said.
‘Do what?’
‘Not let that fellow go messing about with you! You are far too precious to throw yourself away on someone half-baked!’ he said, getting very annoyed altogether.
‘Jaysus, Ralph! What do you take me for? The only person I am interested in is you, if you must know!’
‘Yes, darling! But I just want you to be careful. Men can be very devious in getting their way.’
‘Have a cigarette!’ I said, lighting up his and putting it into his mouth.
‘Listen, sweetie,’ he said, talking with the cigarette in his mouth, letting the smoke get in his eyes. ‘Why don’t we head into the country? Would you like that?’
‘Oh, yeah! That would be lovely.’
‘Yes, then. Let us go!’ And he tore up through the gears and we took off out of the city.
35
* * *
Before long I was looking out the window seeing green fields and hedges.
‘Oh, peace, blissful peace!’ he said, taking in a big breath, saying, ‘Living in the heart of the city has its drawbacks. The constant din of traffic and the massing hordes, not to mention smoke belching out of chimneys, can be quite overwhelming sometimes. One can have a sense of being trapped.’
‘Yes, one can!’ I drawled, imitating some of his mother’s friends.
‘You are naughty!’ he said, landing a slap on me leg.
‘Ralph, you are exactly now where I want you – behind that wheel – and I can do what I like to you, so watch yourself!’ I said, warning him with me eyes looking daggers at him.
‘Are you threatening me, darling?’ he said, smiling.
‘Yes, most definitely!’ I said.
He looked in his mirror, then pulled the car over to a stop and switched off the engine, pulling up the handbrake. Then he lunged at me, grabbing hold of me and lifting me up and smacking the side of me arse. Then he locked me in a bear hug and kissed my cheek, saying, ‘No more threats!’ Then he switched on the engine and we took off again.
‘Jaysus! That was vicious!’ I said.
‘Nonsense! It was the principle! Showing you who is boss! I gave you a little pat, that is all! I treat you like delicate china!’
‘Me arse!’ I said.
‘Yes, and that too!’ he laughed, whipping his head over to me with his green eyes sparkling with mischief.
We whizzed past woodlands, high up on a hill. I looked, seeing they were on both sides of the narrow country road with paths leading up to them. I opened the window all the way down, getting the lovely smell of pine. ‘They look lovely,’ I said.
‘Yes!’ he said, looking up at them. Then he started to say in a beautiful soft voice, ‘The woods are lovely, dark and deep, But I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep. And miles to go before I sleep.’
‘Where did you hear that, Ralph? It’s lovely.’
‘Yes! A man going home on horseback. He finds the woods very inviting,’ he smiled, showing his teeth and looking at me like he really was happy to be with me. ‘It was written by an American, Robert Frost.’
I moved over closer to him and wrapped me arm around his waist. He lifted his arm and pulled me into him, letting me rest on his chest. I watched the road as he steered. I have never felt so contented or happy in my whole life!
We came to a little village. I looked around, seeing no shops but a couple of houses hidden behind high walls. Ralph pulled up outside a big house with a little low entrance. I could see a glass box outside with what looked like a menu.
‘Here we are, darling. Take your coat. We can walk in the gardens.’
‘Is this a restaurant?’
‘After a fashion,’ he said. ‘Some of the greatest poets and writers have taken refreshment here and stayed on. It is a very old country house going back to the seventeenth century.’
‘How do you know about this place, Ralph?’
‘I know a lot of things, my sweet!’ he grinned, putting his coat on and pulling me with him. ‘Come on! Let’s go inside!’ he said, doing his usual running act, always managing to get ahead of me. Then he hopped in the porch and held the door wide open for me.
We walked into a long hall with a table holding letters and all sorts of bits of stuff. I looked at the hall stand with a silver walking stick and hats and coats and scarves sitting on it.
