Ma, Now I'm Goin Up in the World, page 25
I stared at them, thinking, what do they know about anything? The almighty bleedin cheek a them pack of aul hags thinking they are better than me! The rage blew straight up through me and out through me mouth. Then, before I knew where I was, I heard meself saying, ‘Well, I suppose every night you lot get down on yer bended knees, thankin God ye were all born with a silver spoon in your gobs. Otherwise, if ye didn’t have the money and the big houses to keep ye’s all safe, well, it wouldn’t be the nuns keepin themself busy in their convents makin ye get down on yer hands and knees and scrub their floors! Oh, no! You lot would be mistaken for being retarded. They would shove you in the madhouse and leave you to rot! Because all youse are good for is eatin and drinkin and back bitin behind each other’s backs! Imagine you lot born homeless or something!’ I said, looking at them with me fists clamped on me sides.
They all stared back, trying to work out what I was talking about, looking crucified with the shock of it all.
‘Not one of you lot has ever had enough sense to wipe yer own arses! You have had it handed to ye all yer lives! You were born rich! You know what you are? Morons with more money than sense. So don’t look down on me! Stick yer pity and yer charity up yer arses! I feel sorry for youse! Because ye’re never happy! You always have to be wanting something new! To amuse yerselves, as you say!’
I was roaring. Forgetting all me diction after losing the run of meself. Not caring if I was thrown straight out the door to land on me arse. Huh! Nobody is going to think they are better than me! Then I shot up, knocking over the little gold chair that was too light anyway, and flew out the door, slamming it shut behind me, making the floorboards rattle. I hauled meself up the stairs, trying to take them three at a time, hanging on to the banisters. I could hear me breath heaving with me gasping for air, and the mother squealing at the bottom of the stairs, trying to tear after me to come back and apologise at once! No! I didn’t and wouldn’t. I even packed me bags and took meself off back to that Father Ralph fella. He leathered the arse offa me with them big shovel hands of his. Acting like I was a very bold little child! He swung me with one hand and belted me on the arse with the other after he listened to me story about them aul ones. It was only before he grabbed me that I saw when it was too late the colour drain outa his face. It was the thought of me insulting all his mother’s friends that did it! Oh, no! Not the very fact that they were insulting me! Then he took me straight back to the mother! He got his work cut out for himself, trying to bring the peace between the two of us! But Missus Doherty didn’t agree with them acting like that when I got to tell her me story. But she didn’t disagree neither. All she did was sigh and shake her head, saying, ‘Come on! Let’s bake a few cakes for the tea.’
That cheered me up no end. I felt better in meself after that. But I’m still not speaking to him! No, never! Because he said I was impossible. I made all sorts of difficulties for people. That, coming from him, hurt me feelings. So I told him to go and fuck himself! I got another leathering in the arse for that one! Fucker! Treating me like a little kid.
I could still feel the rage flying up around me, thinking back to that time. I came back to me senses hearing the missus saying something. I blinked, trying to tune in.
‘Eh, what did you say?’ I said.
She sighed, trying to keep her patience. ‘You better make sure yeh get all your things gathered up. You don’t want te be leaving anything yeh might need behind. So get ready early an I will have a nice bit of dinner cooked for yeh. Then yeh can catch the bus early an make sure yeh get there well in good time.’
‘Yeah, you’re right, Missus Doherty! I’ll do that. I better get moving and sort meself out. I want to have a good wash first. That always makes a good impression on people, doesn’t it?’
‘Oh, yeh can’t be wrong there, love! Always look yer best! That’s what I say.’
‘OK! I’m off as soon as I get these few things washed and put away,’ I said, gathering up the dishes and heading over to the sink.
I looked back, seeing the mother and the missus still looking after me. They smiled and waved, and I waved back, then set me sights on taking off for the bus. I carried me shoulder bag swinging around me back with the strap thrown across me, and me suitcase gripped in me right hand, remembering the other times I had to carry it. Gawd! That was only months ago! But it feels like years! I shivered, getting a feel of how empty, cold and hungry I had been, with me head going round and round trying to work out where I was going to sleep and what I was going to eat that night, and the terrible fear I might never get back on me feet again. But then again, without that happening to me I may never have met that doctor in the hospital and end up getting me secretarial course. Or better still, meeting Father Ralph and getting to live with his mother.
I have had the best time I ever had in me whole life living with her. She really is a true lady and very, very kind. But the best bit is I now have Father Ralph to go to. Since I met him and get all them hugs he gives me, well, now I can’t do without him. I live for the minutes when I get to see him and he grabs me up in a big bear hug. But it feels like it is never enough. The more times he tells me he cares about me, the more I want him to just stay with me and let me feel warm and safe inside. But it’s over too fast. Then he has to go about his business and I wander off feeling even more lonely at the loss of him going than I ever felt in me whole life. Still, I have to be really, really lucky. God must be certainly looking out for me because I got all that in the last few months. Now, here I am, back on me feet and going on me way to make something good out of me life.
I turned right down Tara Street, passing the lovely old Victorian red-brick bathhouses where all the women and children used to go and wash their clothes. They would bring all the dirty washing, dragging it sky high in an old baby’s pram. They buried the baby in the back, if that was going for a wash too, and the soap and scrubbing board for washing the clothes was left balanced on top of the mountain in the pram. You could hear them coming before you even clapped sight of them, with the wheels screaming and squealing, rumbling along the old cobblestones on the road because the tyres on the wheels was long gone. Then you would see the mammy putting all her strength into trying to steer it because the wheels were so bokety they all wanted to go in different directions. That came about from all the child rearing it had to do. The poor aul ma’s used to be blind bothered and bewildered with the thought of all the washing and scrubbing that lay ahead of them. Then, on top of that, having to drag a load of scruffy kids behind her, shivering and whinging at the thought of getting themselves a good wash, and worried the ma might even carry out her threat to drown them if they didn’t get a hurry on and keep up with her and stop all that no-good whinging.
If it was a good pram, then you knew the baby was left stuck back in the house with a young one left to mind it, and the pair of them were now stranded because there was no way to get the baby outa the house. Yeah, a new pram could carry any amount a stuff, so every stitch in the house, curtains and blankets, just pile the lot in. Leave the babby at home. I used to see them hurrying here every week. Years ago, one of the kids told me it cost money. A whole shilling or sixpence or something. But you got all the steaming hot water you wanted for that money and the kids got a good scrubbing as well. They were good mammies, I thought, smiling to meself. Not like the bleedin ma! She was far too lazy and stupid to even think like that, I thought, curling up me mouth with annoyance at the picture of her appearing in me mind’s eye.
I turned left onto Townsend Street and crossed the road at the big shop with the huge sign over it saying, ‘Mônsell Mitchell’.They must be French! I suppose you need money to go in there! I carried on, trying to keep me mind off mooching around the shops. I don’t want to get carried away and turn up to the hostel late. Or, worse still, get me bag or case robbed! Me heart gladdened, remembering the money the mother shoved into me hand when I was leaving. A whole five-pound note! Even the missus made me take the pound note she sneaked into me hand. I didn’t want to take that from her because she works too hard for her money, and her and Mattie are getting old. They will need a few bob behind them when the times comes and they can’t work any more.
I rounded the corner and headed under the bridge at Westland Row. I crossed over and passed the train station. That’s where you get the train to take you for the boat to England. I might take that meself some day! I would love to go over there and get a good job. The wages are much better paid as well. That’s what everyone has always said.
I turned left and walked on, then stopped to look. It’s somewhere here! I walked on for a bit, seeing a big building with a statue of Our Lady sitting on top of a concrete shelf on the wall hanging way up over the front hall door. A big old black-iron railings with spikes on top wrapped itself around the basement, going each side of the stone steps that went up to the heavy front door. The hostel went all the way around a corner and down into a laneway. I stood staring for a minute, then fixed the belt on me coat and straightened me shoulders. Then I gripped me suitcase and made for the steps. I rang the big roundy bell built into the wall and waited, stepping back a bit.
The door swung open and a girl with a massive head of bright-red hair appeared. I stared at it. Gaping with me mouth open. It was the colour of a pumpkin and she had a black lace mantilla sitting on top of her head. I knew straight away she was a postulant. She was going to become a nun!
‘Hello!’ she said, smiling at me, showing a big mouthful of horse’s teeth.
‘Eh, hello! I’m starting here! Eh, I mean I’m going to be staying here!’ I said, thinking I was saying it all wrong. Me nerves were suddenly getting the better of me. I wanted to make a good impression. ‘I’m Martha!’ I said, looking up at her, still getting it wrong.
‘Oh, hello, Martha! Come in! You are very welcome!’ she said, moving back and swinging the door open wide, then standing up straight like she was a ballerina.
Oh, to hell with it! I thought, getting annoyed with meself and grabbing me suitcase, making me mind up to have another go.
I marched in, deciding I would be like the mother. I grabbed her hand, saying, ‘How do you do? It’s lovely to meet you.’
She stared at me, looking down at me gripping hold of her hand. I let go and she smiled, half laughing, saying, ‘Great to meet you, Martha. I’m Anna. Will you sit down in that chair over there and I’ll just knock on Reverend Mother’s door and let her know you are here.’
I sat down on a priest’s chair. You can tell what it is because it has a cross on the back. I let me hands fall into me lap and thought about what I was going to say. Right, Martha. Just keep your mouth shut! Say nothing. Just keep listening and smiling, the way Anna did to you just now. OK! Fine! I’m grand.
I heard a voice say, ‘Come in!’ Anna went into the office and shut the door, then she was back out. ‘Mother won’t keep you,’ she whispered, leaning down to me. ‘She’ll be out in a minute. Bye! See you later!’
‘Bye, bye!’ I said, watching her disappear around a corner.
The door opened and a little fat nun with big red rosy cheeks and chocolate-brown eyes came smiling over to me with her hand held out to shake mine. ‘Martha, is it?’ she said, looking at me with the kindest pair of eyes I ever saw in me life. ‘Oh, you are so very welcome here in the hostel, Martha,’ she said, grabbing me hand in both of hers, then letting go to put her arm around me shoulder. ‘I have heard so much about you from Sister Aloysius,’ she said, smiling and speaking very gently.
Jaysus! I wonder what Allie told her?
‘You are going to start a secretarial course!’ she said. ‘My, you will get a marvellous job when you finish your training. Jobs for secretaries are so plentiful. What a clever choice you made!’
‘Yes, Mother! That’s what I thought meself. I’m even thinking of travelling!’
‘Oh, how wonderful,’ she said, with her eyes widening. ‘Where would you like to go?’
‘Eh, London! Maybe even America!’ I just thought of that right this minute, but, yeah, I could go to America, thinking that was the best idea I ever came up with.
‘Oh, it is so well to be young and have your whole life ahead of you,’ she sighed, sounding like she was jealous! But I knew she wasn’t, maybe just a little sad, I suppose, because she was now getting on a bit. She had to be at least forty!
‘Well!’ she said, taking me hand and holding it in both of hers very gently, then looking around. ‘Where is Anna? Now, Martha. You can share a room with Anna. It is a four-bed room. But there is only herself in that for the moment. I will get her to take you up. Anna is a lovely girl. You should get on fine with her. I will tell her to keep an eye on you, poor little lamb! What age is it you are? Only sixteen! Isn’t that right?’
‘Yeah, but I will be seventeen in a few months’ time, Mother!’ I said, letting her know I’m not just sixteen.
‘Yes, of course! Oh, you young girls are always in a hurry to grow up! What is it Oscar Wilde was supposed to have said?’
‘Eh, I never heard a him, Mother,’ I said, seeing her waiting for me to come up with the answer.
‘“Youth is wasted on the young.” Oh, if only we could bottle it!’ she said, wandering off to look for Anna with her hands joined under the cloak of her habit.
I laughed, thinking to meself, I definitely like her! She really is a very nice and kind nun. No, this is better than I thought. It’s not like being back in the convent. Here it looks like you can come and go about your business. I’m still free to come in and out when I like.
I looked around seeing the big door opposite where the Reverend Mother just came out of. That must be her office. Me eyes peeled around the big hall, taking in the high ceiling, then landed over in the corner by the hall door. A big red statue of the Sacred Heart stood high up on a wooden platform. He looked very sad, with his arms held out wide showing his hands dripping with blood from the nails the Romans stuck in him. I stared over at it, thinking that reminds me of when I was very small. Me ma used to take me around to St Augustine’s Church to light a penny candle when she had the spare penny. She would kneel down in front of the statue of the Sacred Heart and pray like mad with her face looking up at it, hoping he would hear her prayer and grant her intention. Yeah! In a way that statue makes me feel safe, just sitting here and being beside it. It reminds me of times gone past when I had a lot to fear. But I managed to get this far without any harm coming to me. So I know our Lord is always looking out for me.
I sighed, feeling easy in meself, then let me eyes peel to the double front doors. They only open the one door, I suppose. Then I saw a big notice plastered on top of the other door they keep locked. I got up and went over to have a look:
IMPORTANT NOTICE. PLEASE ENSURE THIS DOOR REMAINS SHUT AT ALL TIMES. PLEASE TAKE NOTE: THIS DOOR IS LOCKED AT NINE P.M. SHARP. PERSONS NOT RETURNED BY THEN WILL BE LOCKED OUT. YOU MAY RETURN IN THE MORNING TO COLLECT YOUR BAGS, AS YOUR PRESENCE IS NO LONGER WELCOME IN THIS HOSTEL. BY ORDER. MOTHER PAULA THERESE.
Jaysus! In by a certain hour! Get locked out and they kick you out on yer arse! Oh, I better not let that ever happen to me! I shivered, thinking about the idea I could end up in tatters with nowhere to go! OK, I won’t be making that mistake.
‘Martha?’
I looked up, seeing Anna appear behind me.
‘Come on!’ she said, tipping me arm and pulling me behind her. ‘You are in with me, I’ll take you upstairs.’
‘OK!’ I said, rushing over to grab me suitcase and race after her up the stairs.
We came on to a corridor and she went right and I continued up the stairs. ‘Down here!’ she laughed. ‘We are on the first floor.’
‘Oh, right!’ I said, following her down a long passage with doors on each side and more further down the other end.
‘In here!’ she said, opening a door into a room.
I followed her in, seeing a long narrow room with four beds lined against one wall and a locker beside every bed. Two big wardrobes stood against the wall facing the beds and a big window at the end of the room threw in loads of light.
‘This is my bed,’ she said, pointing to the first one and sitting down on it. ‘Take your pick, they’re all empty,’ she said, smiling and pointing at the other beds.
‘Oh, great! So I can take any of them?’
‘Sure,’ she said, shaking her head.
‘Right! I’ll take the one at the end next to the window,’ I said happily, rushing down and landing me suitcase on it. I pulled down the grey quilt that looked very thin in the middle. It was well worn out. I lifted the blankets, seeing the bed wasn’t made. Two orange blankets covered the battered mattress, sagging in the middle. The bed was nice and low, though, what they call a divan. That is the modern beds most people buy now. But this must have been one of the first ones that came out! Wonder when that was?
‘Anna, I have no sheets for me bed. What will I do?’
‘Oh, right,’ she said, sitting up off her elbow and looking over at me bed. ‘Hang on. I’ll get you some.’ She flew out the door and I wandered over to have a look in the wardrobes.
The first one had her stuff in it. I had a look. A long grey skirt that a granny would kick up murder if you told her you were going to bury her in it! That must have been handed down from her great-grandmother. A grey wool cardigan with red hickey buttons. A long black coat that went out with the American Indians! It was flared at the waist and full of hairs and white fluff. Jaysus! No wonder she wants to be a nun. No man would give her a second look in that get-up! I lifted up the stuff sitting on the shelves that come all the way down on the inside of the wardrobe. Long navy-blue bloomers – knickers! You would break your neck if you went out in them. They would be hanging around your ankles. Two long grey vests and a brassiere that you could carry two melons in!
‘Here we are!’ she said, flying in the door.
I got such a fright, the heart went crossways in me, and I slammed the wardrobe door shut, making it rattle against the wall.
