The Way Back (Emerald Bay #1), page 9
If I was honest with myself, I knew I couldn’t. If I was completely honest, I wanted it to happen. Wanted him.
I wasn’t sure it was a good idea. It didn’t end well before, and it probably wouldn’t again. But I was different now, wasn’t I? I’d changed. I wasn’t the same immature girl who decided to end things with my high school boyfriend just because I was going off to uni, just because I was ready for an adventure. It was a regret I’d lived with ever since – even though he’d pulled the ripcord before I could.
I was a woman now. I knew my own mind. I understood my heart. I knew what – and who – was good for me. And Finn Matthews was. He would never let himself be anything but good for me. Deep down, I knew that. He’d never done a thing to hurt me, always been there for me, loved it when I was myself. Even when he’d dumped me, it was because he sensed I wanted out, not because he did.
I should never have let him go.
But when you live for so long in someone else’s shadow, like I had with Mack, it’s hard to see your own shape in the darkness. Could I be that person again, the one Finn had loved? Did I even want to be?
That was what I wasn’t sure about. I just wanted to be me. I didn’t want to think about what anyone else wanted or needed from me anymore. I was too tired, too worn, too broken.
I pulled the car into Mum and Dad’s driveway and killed the engine. The kids flew from the house, their faces covered with wide grins. They were talking even before I’d opened the car door. I laughed as I watched them, my heart melting at the sight of them. They were the light of my world. “Mum! Mum! Did you see a shark?” asked Jack.
I ruffled his hair with one hand and grabbed my purse with the other as I stepped from the car. “I did see a shark, buddy. He was pretty big too.”
“Whoa. That is so cool.” He wrapped his arms around my waist and leaned his head against me. It felt good to be the light of his world too. “How was school?” I asked Stella, tipping her chin up with a finger.
She grinned. “It was good. I made a new friend – her name is Abi and she’s a Little Nipper. Do you know what a Little Nipper is?” she asked, excitement mounting in her voice.
“I do,” I said, hugging Pattie who was jumping excitedly and clutching at my legs. “I was a Little Nipper once upon a time.”
“You were?” Stella’s eyes widened in wonder. “Can I be a Nipper, Mum?”
I kissed her cheek. “If you’d like to, I don’t see why not. You’ll have to be prepared to go down to the beach early every Saturday morning and work hard running in the sand and practising rescuing people and doing what you’re told. Do you think you could do that?”
“I could,” she said, pride in her voice.
I felt a well of emotion rise up my throat. She was growing up right before my eyes. “Well then, I guess you can be a Little Nipper.”
“Me too!” shouted Jack, prancing up the driveway.
“Me too!” Patty joined in, her little legs pumping hard to keep up with us.
“Okay, okay,” I laughed, “I can see I’ve got a whole squadron of potential Nippers. Let’s just concentrate on eating dinner for now, shall we?”
They laughed and nodded and chattered about their days as we walked inside. For the first time since we’d arrived, I felt the peace of being home drift over my soul, without any of the longing for a life left behind that usually clung to it.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
FINN
I slipped my left hand into the bag strapped to the back of my harness and pinched some chalk between my fingers. Swinging my hand around in front of me, I leaned into the rock and slapped my hands together, coating them in fine white dust. Bouldering around the base of the Snowy Mountains was exhilarating, and I always looked forward to spending hours on my own out in the wilderness when we visited Suzy’s childhood home, climbing rock faces and scaling the hidden ravines. It always cleared my mind and made the tightness in my chest disappear – at least for a while.
I sighed. I could see the sun slowly dipping toward the tops of the gum trees along the western horizon. It was time to make my way back down.
I reached a hand to my left to search out a hold in the seam of the rock, then slowly made my way across and down, retrieving the anchor points I’d set up at intervals on the way up. I was practising lead climbing, since it had been years since I’d had a chance to do anything challenging. The demands of single parenthood left me little time these days for the things I used to love. I jumped the last few feet to the ground and landed with a grunt on the hard, dry ground.
After I’d put my gear away in my backpack, I threw it over my shoulder and climbed onto my bike. The cool of the evening air was already descending over the valley, and I drew in a deep breath and felt my heart soar in my chest as I pedalled down the narrow dirt track toward the road. How long had it been since I’d felt joy?
Well, that was an easy one – the day I lost Suzy. In the car, when she and the girls were singing off-key together — that was likely the last time I’d felt anything other than guilt, fear, shame or grief. Even now, the joy sent a shockwave of guilt running through me. Could I allow myself to feel happy? Even in the beauty of my surroundings, doing something I loved, part of me felt I didn’t deserve anything good when she couldn’t share it.
I frowned and pressed harder against the pedals, propelling the bike faster. It bumped and jolted over protruding rocks and around hairpin turns, coming dangerously close to wiping out. Finally, the road stretched out long and empty before me and I leaned my head into the wind, pumping harder still.
When I reached the house, the kids were in the front yard with their grandparents, watering the garden. Trev looked up at me with a wave, the garden hose in his other hand. I pulled the bike to a stop and jumped off. “How’s it going?” I asked as the girls ran to hug me.
Lorna knelt beside a strawberry patch, and stopped weeding to watch me with a smile. “Just great. Did you have a nice climb?”
“I did, thanks.” But the joy was gone now, lost amid the return of consuming guilt.
Lorna stood and gave Trev a look he seemed to understand. He wandered to the tap, turned it off and rolled the hose up, then walked over to me. I waited for what he had to say, seeing as he was usually a man of few words. “Finn?”
“Yes, sir?”
“It’s time for you to move on.”
I cocked an eyebrow in surprise. “You want us to go back to Emerald Bay?”
Lorna struggled to her feet and hurried over to lay a gloved hand on my arm. “No, dear. We want you to let Suzy go.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
“You’ve mourned her long enough, Finn,” Trev continued. “Lord knows we’ll never stop, she was our baby. But you have to move on with your life. It’s time for you to be happy again. Those girls need you to be happy,” he added gruffly.
I listened to his speech and lifted a hand to my forehead in disbelief. “I’m happy,” I protested.
Lorna raised an eyebrow, and patted my arm. “Are you, Finn? You don’t seem happy to us. You’re not yourself.”
I rubbed my hands across my face. “I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”
“Not what we’re saying, Finn.” Trev tapped my chest with a finger. “You have to let yourself off the hook for what happened to Suzy. It wasn’t your fault.”
I looked at Trev, eyes wide.
“Sylvie told us,” he explained.
“She did?”
“Yeah. Finn, it was an accident. We know that. It’s time you did too.”
I felt a lump form in my throat and coughed to mask it. “But I was driving. I should have been more careful.”
Lorna lifted her hand to my cheek. “Finn, no one else could have done anything differently. Now you have to let her go. She’d want you to be happy – if not for your own sake, for the girls. They deserve to have a daddy who’s whole.”
Lorna threw her arms around me and I reached mine around her to return her embrace. The girls hugged my legs tight.
“I’ll give it a try. I promise, I will.”
They nodded and smiled at me. Trev patted my shoulder once and went back to watering the garden. Lorna squeezed my arm and knelt again beside her strawberry patch. The girls ran off to play.
And I rolled the bike toward our car, my mind made up. We’d pack up tonight and leave first thing in the morning. It was time to go home.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
ELEANOR
My first week at SeaWorld was over. It had been tiring and wonderful all at the same time. I’d learnt so much already – where to find things, who each of the dolphins were, how to get them to respond, and so on. I felt overwhelmed, but in a good way. It was exciting to be starting my new life. It was as though everything was falling into place. I hadn’t thought about Mack in days, and even when his face flitted across my mind or something reminded me of him, it was with a fondness rather than a stabbing pain to the gut.
My heart was healing. Slowly but surely, pain was being replaced by acceptance, fear with peace, and grief with anticipation for what was to come.
I smiled and mixed the pikelet batter in a bowl with a long wooden spoon. Pattie was watching Playschool in the den, and the kids would be home any minute now. I’d heard the school bus pull up outside the house moments earlier.
The front door blew open, then closed again with a bang. Jack and Stella stormed into the house, chattering and laughing loudly together. They threw their school bags on the floor by the kitchen bench. Jack ran over to peer into the bowl in my hands and Stella followed quietly, looping one arm around my waist with a smile. “Hi Mum,” said Jack, “Whatcha cooking’?”
“Pikelets,” I said with a chuckle.
“Yum!” Stella pushed a finger toward the bowl, trying to scoop up some of the batter.
“Not yet – I’ll give you the bowl when I’m finished.” I laughed and gave each of them a sideways squeeze. “So how was school?”
“Fine.” Jack pulled out a kitchen stool from beneath the bench and slumped onto it with a sigh.
“It was great!” Stella leaned her elbows on the counter, her chin in her hands, and grinned. “I made another friend.”
“You did? Who is it?” I asked.
“Sylvia Matthews,” she said. “Remember, we met up on Flat Rock? She’s in my class.”
My heart leapt into my throat. One of Finn’s daughters was Stella’s age, wasn’t she? My cheeks grew hot and I spooned batter into the sizzling frying pan. “Oh, that’s good. So you’re friends now, are you?” I asked, attempting nonchalance.
“Yeah, I like her a lot. She’s really nice. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. I just thought her family was out of town.” The pikelets began to bubble on the surface and I slipped a spatula beneath one to flip it over.
“Yeah, but they got back yesterday.”
Finn was back. What did that mean? Probably nothing. I’d heard he’d gone down south to visit relatives. Why was I trying to read something into that? There was nothing between us, at least nothing I could count on. He didn’t seem to trust me, wasn’t ready to move on with his life.
I had to see him. If I could see his face, I’d know how he felt. I’d always been able to read him, what he was thinking or feeling. He couldn’t hide those things from me —well, not when we were teenagers. Perhaps that had changed as well.
I flipped the pikelets onto a plate, lathered them with butter and piled them high with chunks of strawberry jam. I handed Stella and Jack a plate each, then called Pattie in from the den. Her eyes widened when she saw the treat. “Pikelets!” she exclaimed in delight.
I poured more batter into the frying pan and watched them happily munch on their snack. I didn’t have any plans for Saturday. Maybe I’d head down to the bike shop to talk to him. I had to tell him about what was going on with Hayley and the baby – no doubt he’d spoken to Dave on the phone, but I should make sure he was up to date.
The phone rang and Stella ran to pull it from its cradle. “Farmer residence, Stella speaking,” she said. I smiled at how grown up she sounded.
“Hi, Dad,” she said. “I’ll ask her.”
She turned to me, the phone pressed against her chest. “Dad wants to know if you’ll talk to him after I’m done.”
“Sure,” I nodded, then swallowed.
She turned and headed to her bedroom to talk.
My smile quickly disappeared and my heart slumped in my chest as I turned over another golden pikelet with a horrible sinking feeling inside. I had to move on with my life without Mack, but as the father of my children, he was still in it. I’d never really be rid of him, never have the distance I wanted in order to heal, because the kids would still want to see him, talk to him, talk about him. Well, somehow I’d just have to cope with it and make it work.
Stella soon returned with the phone and held it out for me to take. “He wants to talk to Jack and Pattie after you,” she said.
“Thanks.” I took the phone. “Hi Mack. What can I do for you?”
“Hey Elle. I just wanted to check on you, see how you’re going.”
I raised an eyebrow. “You did? Well thanks. I’m fine. We’re all fine.”
“Good to hear. I miss you, you know.”
I paused. The line was silent. “You miss me?”
“Of course I do. Don’t you miss me?”
“No, I don’t. I’ll get Jack for you.” My heart pounded in my chest, and I hurried to find Jack with one hand over the mouthpiece. I didn’t want to hear that from him. Didn’t want to hear what he had to say. He’d walked out on us — he didn’t have the right to miss us. I handed Jack the phone. He took it with a grin and immediately launched into a story about a soccer game he’d won at school.
I sighed. Every time I thought I’d found the healing I was looking for, Mack came slinking back into my world and sent my heart into a spin again.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
FINN
Dave leaned back precariously in the chair behind my small desk at the bike shop. I raised an eyebrow and continued replacing the tires on an older-model Shimano road bike. “So how’s Hayley doing?” I asked, spinning a new tire around with one hand.
“She’s great. I mean, exhausted. You know? She’s home now, and Jake’s still in the nursery at the hospital. So, she’s back and forth to the hospital all the time. Pumping breast milk, then delivering it, and giving him as many cuddles as she can before she has to head home again. It’s crazy. But he’s such a strong little dude. He’s getting bigger everyday. The doctor said we can bring him home soon.” He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair.
I stopped what I was doing and gave Dave a sympathetic look. “It get easier, mate. The sleep deprivation sucks, but it doesn’t last forever.”
Dave grunted, sounding unconvinced.
“But then, of course, you have to deal with a whole host of other stuff as they get older.” I rolled my eyes and chuckled.
Dave laughed and sighed. “Yeah. It’s hard to believe I’m a Dad, with him still at the hospital. We just can’t wait to bring him home.”
The doorbell chimed and I turned to see Eleanor walk in. She smiled tentatively at me and waved to Dave. “Hi, Finn, Dave. How’s Hayley? I haven’t been to see her in a few days. Is she coping okay?”
Dave grimaced. “Yeah, she’s not in pain anymore, so that’s good. Speaking of which, I’d better get back to her. Drop by if you can – I know she’d like to see you. See ya, Finn.” He pushed himself to his feet and slapped me on the shoulder as he walked past toward the front door. I caught a glimpse of a smirk from him, and frowned. What was he smirking about? Just because Eleanor was there, no doubt.
Well, he was reading far too much into things. Sure, there was still an attraction between Eleanor and I, but it was time for me to move on, as Trev and Lorna had so aptly pointed out only two days earlier. It was time for me to heal – I owed that to my girls. And dating Eleanor Farmer, or anyone else for that matter, wouldn’t be good for them. I wanted to focus on Sylvia and Sarah and their needs. I’d been enveloped in my own pocket of grief for three years, and they’d patiently waited for me to emerge. Now that I was finally coming out of that dark place, I could give them the attention they needed.
As Dave walked out, Eleanor turned to face me with pink cheeks. “How are you?”
“Fine, thanks. You?” I returned to working on the bike – anything to keep my eyes off her spaghetti-strap dress and darkening tan. She was already settling back into the beach lifestyle, her blond curls floating naturally around her face.
I could see the old Eleanor had returned, at least partially. She was much more relaxed than she’d been – content, even. Something had changed, and I had to fight the urge to go to her and take her in my arms. It came so naturally to me, being with her – like breathing air. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d had to hold myself back with her. We’d always known we were meant to be together —until she decided we weren’t anymore.
“I’m great, thanks.”
“You look good.” I kept working, not risking a peek.
“Thanks. I started a new job.”
“Yeah?”
“At SeaWorld. I’m working with dolphins. It’s pretty amazing – kind of a dream come true, actually.”
I looked over to find her smiling and fidgeting with her floral print skirt. “That’s great, Elle. I’m happy for you.” I stood up and wiped the grease from my hands on the rag slung over my left shoulder.
“Thanks.”
I walked toward her and stopped, waiting for her to say whatever she’d come there to say.
“Finn …”
“Yes?”
“Would … would you like to go for a surf this afternoon after work?” Her face flushed, and her eyes were full of hope.
My chest tightened and I pressed my lips together. “Sorry, Elle,” I said, my hands on my hips. “I’m pretty busy this afternoon. Maybe some other time?”
