The Way Back (Emerald Bay #1), page 3
“Are you nervous about the new job, darling?” Mum walked over and sat down on the end of the couch, lifting my feet to slide beneath them and pulling them out to stretch across her lap.
“I guess so. I mean, it is a dream come true for me – I’ve always wanted to work there and now I finally have the chance. I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet. Maybe when I get there I’ll realise it’s really happening and freak out.”
“No, you won’t. You’ll be great.” She patted my feet reassuringly.
“It is pretty amazing.” I grinned at her, sweeping a stray strand of hair from my face and tucking behind my ear.
“Yes, it is. I’m so proud of you.”
“Me too,” said Dad, finally looking at me.
“Thanks, guys. I’m pretty proud of me too. I mean, I gave up my career for years to support Mack, and I’ve only been back in the field a couple of years part-time. Craig hired me in Sydney, so when he moved to Sea World to head up their dolphin training program he promised he’d let me know if anything opened up. When it did, he said I was the first person he called.”
“I just know you’re going to be great at it.” Mum was always the encourager.
“I hope so. It’s what I’ve always wanted, so I’d better not screw it up.” I laughed uncomfortably. If I was honest with myself, I was pretty scared of messing it up. I’d messed up in so many other ways that I wasn’t sure I trusted myself with anything important anymore.
“Have you thought about how you’ll manage work and picking the kids up from school every day? And what about Pattie – what’s she going to do?”
“Pattie’s going to preschool. I have thought about it – I’m only going to be working three days per week, and the kids can go to after-school care on those days – unless you’d like to collect them from school and keep them until I get home?”
She beamed at me. “I’d love to!”
“Oh, that’s great, Mum – thank you. I’ve been wanting to ask, but didn’t want to put you on the spot. It would be a big load off my mind knowing they were with you. That’s probably my biggest source of nerves, the kids. They’re in a new town, going to a new school, and I’m going to be working more than I have since they were born. I’m not used to being away from them. I don’t know how it’s all going to work – I just want to give them the best chance I can to have a smooth transition.”
“Honey, you‘re doing the right thing. Those kids are really lucky to have you.”
I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes. I couldn’t speak or they’d come pouring out unchecked, and I didn’t know if I could stop them then. Was I doing the right thing? It didn’t feel that way sometimes. I took a deep breath. “Thanks, Mum. I don’t know if it’s true, but thanks anyway.”
“It is true, and you’ll see that someday.”
“For now I’d settle for not completely destroying their lives.” I laughed awkwardly and a sob slipped out.
She leaned over and wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into her embrace. Kissing me on top of my head, she held me there and I lay still, enjoying the warmth and comfort I’d missed for so long. I’d felt a tinge of that earlier when I’d recognised Finn downtown. It was an unmistakable feeling: the comfort of being around someone who knew you completely and loved you that way, whether in the past or the present. It was a feeling I had missed without even understanding it until today. Mack had always made me feel slightly off kilter — as though being myself wasn’t quite good enough. It was hard to be comfortable in your own skin with someone always watching and waiting for you to slip up.
Finn’s dimpled smile played across my mind, sending a tingle through my body and making my heart race. One thing I knew for certain – I would be so busy I wouldn’t have time to even think about Finn Matthews, let alone see him again. I turned my attention back to Jeopardy.
“What is a pink diamond?” my mother yelled suddenly at the TV, making me jump. Then she continued our conversation without taking her eyes off the screen. “You know, that surf festival is starting on Sunday. The annual one you used to compete in, the Sunriser.”
“Uh-huh,” I studied the television screen, avoiding eye contact.
“You should go. I bet some of your old friends will be there.”
“I don’t think so.” She began tapping a rhythm on the floor with her left foot, so I lifted my eyebrows and turned to face her. “I’m not ready to see everyone yet.”
“Okay.”
“It’s just that the last time I saw them was when I visited with Mack and the kids over the summer. And now …”
“… there’s no Mack.” She tipped her head to one side and smiled ruefully at me. “You have to face them sometime.”
“I don’t want to have to explain where he is. I don’t want to deal with it all. I’m not ready.”
“Okay, then. You can rejoin the world when you‘re ready.”
I don’t know if I can. Or if I want to.
“Well, I’m going to take the kids down there,” Mum continued. “They’ll love it. I don’t think they’ve been to the festival before, have they?”
I shook my head, feeling my chest tighten.
“We’ll pack a lunch, we might even take those old surfboards with us for the kids use. What do you think?”
“Sounds good, Mum.”
“You’re sure you won’t come?”
“Yes, Mum. I’m sure.”
* * *
“Here are your flip-flops, Pattie – it’s time to go.” I sat down beside her, pushing the sandals onto her tiny feet. “You’re done!” I tickled her under her chin where she loved to be tickled, and she fell squealing to the ground. “You’re the light of my life, did you know that?”
She stopped giggling and stood to her feet, breathing hard, her face beaming. “I know, Mummy.”
“Good. Now come here and give me a hug.” I wrapped her up in my arms, holding her close so her golden curls tickled my nose and I could smell her strawberries and cream shampoo.
She wriggled from my grasp. “Let go, Mummy – I’m going to the beach.”
“Okay, okay, off you go. Have fun! Don’t forget sun cream. You too, Stella and Jack – lots of sun cream!”
“Yes, Mummy,” came the chorus of responses.
“You’re sure you won’t come?” asked Mum as she and Dad carried surfboards, shovels and pails to the car.
“No thanks.”
“It’s their first time at the carnival, Eleanor. You’re going to miss it.”
“There’ll be other carnivals. I took them surfing the day after we arrived and every day since. I just don’t want to face the old crowd yet.”
“What’s going on with you?”
“I just need time, that’s all. I can’t come out of my bunker yet. Sorry, Mum. I know it’s not right, but I can’t help it somehow.”
“Okay, darling. I’ll make sure and get some photos for you. Then maybe you can imagine you were there with us.”
“That would be great, thanks.”
The kids each kissed me on the cheek and ran after my parents down the driveway to the garage, piling into their silver station wagon. Standing on the front porch, I waved goodbye, then wandered back inside the empty house.
The first thing I did was clean up the kitchen. Then I tidied the living room and threw on a load of laundry. I wasn’t used to having nothing much to do – every moment of my life was generally accounted for. The absence of noise was what struck me most. The house was so quiet, I could hear a tap drip-dropping in the bathroom. I hadn’t heard silence like that in years. Kids don’t carry quiet with them.
It was too quiet.
Wiping down the countertops for a second time, I flicked open the liquor cabinet and did a casual stock-take. Tequila – hmmm, I could definitely go for a pitcher of frozen margaritas. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a cocktail. Why not?
I searched the cabinets and found a blender. The freezer was well stocked with ice, and my parents always had a pile of fresh lemons from the tree out back. I grabbed a few from the fruit bowl, and in minutes I had a tall blue-rimmed pitcher filled with the delicious sour cocktail. I poured myself a glass and went to the living room to browse my parent’s DVD collection. I popped Love Actually into the player and lay back on the couch, sipping my drink.
I love Mark Darcy … I mean Colin Firth. Ooh, he’s so fine. Not as fine as Finn, but still – he is fine.
Sip. Sip. Slurp.
I wonder why Finn was so cold towards me when we ran into each other. I mean, when he ran into me. Literally.
I leaned down to run my hand over the scab on my left knee where the graze had healed. It was still bruised, but at least I wasn’t hobbling around anymore.
Seemed as though he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. He was the one who broke my heart, so really, he has no right to be pissed at me. I should have said something to him. I should have told him how he made me feel all those years ago.
Slurp. Sip. Sip.
I poured myself another margarita and lay back again, feeling the pleasant warmth of the tequila filter through my body and out to the tips of my fingers. I should confront him about it. I’m an adult – there’s no reason why I shouldn’t tell him what I think. In fact, it’s downright immature of me not to. About time I stood up for myself – I never stood up to Mack when I should’ve. What’s it matter if it’s impolite? He hurt me and I don’t know if he even realises it. Maybe he doesn’t. I should tell him.
I stood to my feet and wobbled my way to the kitchen. My phone was on the counter. I unlocked it and did a quick search for bicycle stores in Emerald Bay. There it is – Finn’s Bicycles. Well, that was easy.
I set my glass on the counter and grabbed a pair of old running shoes that were sitting by the back door, discarded after my last run when we’d visited the previous summer. I sat with a thud on a barstool, slipped the shoes on and, standing unsteadily, made my way out the back door, leaving it unlocked. When I think about it, he owes me an apology. I mean, he broke up with me and then never called again.
My feet slapped hard against the pavement with each stride. I felt the sweat beading across my brow and trickling down the small of my back beneath my lacy shirt. My floral skirt flapped at my legs as I ran, and my long ponytail bobbed along behind me, slapping rhythmically against my back.
Finn’s Bicycles was only a few streets over from my parents’ place. I turned the corner and trotted up over the curb, slowing to a walk as I made my way across the sidewalk to the storefront. A slightly askew CLOSED sign hung on the door and I pushed my nose up against the glass to look inside. There was no movement.
A door in the back of the shop stood propped open, allowing sunlight to flood across the floor in a long rectangle, illuminating the rows of bikes. I walked cautiously around the outside of the building, my fingers trailing behind me along the wall. When I reached the rear, I saw a small grassy yard with a shed in the back. The roller door on the shed stood open.
I saw Finn. He was bent over a bike, pulling at a greasy chain with a pair of pliers. His shirt was off and his muscled torso glistened under the glare of the morning sunlight. I stopped where I was, unsure of how I should proceed now that I was there. I shouldn’t have come. I turned to go.
“Eleanor?”
I spun back around to face him, my cheeks blazing with warmth. “Uh, hi, Finn. How’s it going?”
“Fine. How are you?” He twirled the pliers in one hand and wiped grease from the other on an old cloth that was slung over his thick shoulder. His eyes were piercing in his sun-darkened face. “Are you all right? You look flushed. Can I help you with something?”
“Actually, I came down here to see you. To talk to you.”
“Oh?” He looked genuinely surprised.
“Yes, well …” I walked over to the shed and leaned casually against the door frame. “I was hoping … it’s just that I was wondering …”
“Spit it out, Elle.”
“Are you upset with me about something?”
“No, why?” He wiped the grease from his pliers with the cloth.
“It just seemed that way.” I was losing my nerve.
“When did it seem that way?”
“When you ran into me on your bike.”
“That was an accident. I didn’t even know it was you until after I knocked you down.” He looked confused.
“Yes, but I mean after. After you knew it was me, you seemed upset.”
“What could I possibly be upset about?” His eyes glinted with mischief as he finished wiping his hands, then leaned over the bike to continue working on it. The chain was twisted and stiff, and he carefully pulled it piece by piece from the cogs.
“Nothing. There’s no reason for you to be upset with me – I’m an angel sent from Heaven above, as you well know.”
“Ha. Of course you are.” He grinned.
“Nothing but sunshine and roses here, buddy.”
“That’s very true.” He glanced up at me with an eye roll.
“It’s just that you broke my heart, so if anyone should be pissed, it’s me.”
He stood to his feet, his eyes darkening. “Is that how you remember it?”
“That’s how it was.” I put my hands on my hips for emphasis.
His face turned pale and his voice rose. “I may have said the words, but you were about to – I just got in first. Don’t try to tell me you weren’t giving me the shove. I knew you better than anyone in the world and I could read your every thought. You were ending things, and for the life of me I’ve never been able to figure out why. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” He was almost shouting at me, his voice thick with emotion.
I couldn’t deny what he was saying. He was right. All this time I’d blamed him for ending things, but if he hadn’t I would have. The realisation hit me like a boxer’s glove to the gut. I staggered over to a nearby tree stump and slumped down to sit on it.
He strode over and glared down at me, his arms flexing at his sides as if he wanted to grab me but was holding himself back. I couldn’t help noticing his tight abdomen, muscular torso and thick arms. I dropped my head and stared at my toes. He was the same boy I’d known all those years ago … and yet he wasn’t. He was a man. A fierce, strong man.
I knew that if I looked into his eyes now, he’d know what I was thinking: that I wanted him, more than anything else. I wanted to feel his hands on my body, his arms wrapped around me, his lips on mine. I focused on my breathing and watched an ant make its way up and over my big toe, stopping to study my chipped red nail polish.
“Why did you have to go and do that – bring up the past?” he continued. “It’s behind us. Let’s leave it there, okay?”
He was so close that I could feel his body heat. I fought the desire to stare at him, to seize him and pull him close.
“Look at me, Elle.”
“No,” I whispered.
“Eleanor. Look at me.” His hands flexed again, and I could feel his struggle as though it were my own.
As I lifted my eyes to look at him, a single tear ran down my cheek and dropped to the grass at my feet. I held his gaze with mine, our eyes locked, unmoving. He could see it. My eyes were filled with desire and he knew it. He could always read my mind, as though my thoughts were written across my face.
We moved at the same time, him reaching down, me reaching up. We came together like the first thunderclap of approaching summer storm. When his lips met mine, it was with the urgency of lost years. He tasted familiar, yet mysterious at the same time. My body knew his, and yet he’d changed. He was different somehow.
Colder, harsher, angrier.
And stronger. He lifted me into the air above him, his hands against my back, and kissed me fervently, aggressively, already searching my mouth with his tongue. Lowering me back to the ground, his hands began their own search, moving over my body roughly, pushing forcefully against my flesh. He pressed his body against mine and began trailing kisses down my neck and toward my collarbone. My heart raced. I was afraid, and yet I craved him.
Then he stopped and stepped away, his hands in the air as if in surrender. Our breaths were ragged and synchronised. “What is it?” I asked, reaching for him.
He stepped back further still and looked at the ground. “We can’t do this.”
“Why not? I want to.”
He lifted his eyes to mine again, and I saw anger flash cross them like lightning in a cloudy sky. “Because you tore my heart out once. You didn’t love me the way I loved you. And if we did it all over again now, I can’t imagine it ending any differently. You wouldn’t love me as much as I’d love you. You’d leave.”
I gazed at him and saw the pain in his face.
He looked away, then back again and his eyes found my lips. He seemed to be fighting something within him. Then he sighed. “I’m sorry, Elle.”
I straightened up and walked back out to the street, leaving him standing there, an ache growing in my chest and shame filling my gut with bile. Leaning behind some shrubbery, I emptied the contents of my margarita-filled stomach onto the ground.
CHAPTER SIX
ELEANOR
“Is that Eleanor Farmer?”
I turned to see a very pregnant Hayley Smith, my best friend from childhood, waddling toward me. She beamed at me, her red hair perfectly coiffed and her green eyes highlighted by a glamorous mix of liner and eye shadow. “Hayley!” I grinned and ran to her, throwing my arms around her and squeezing tight.
“Go easy – I’m about to pop as it is,” she chuckled, pulling away and rubbing her enormous stomach with one hand while the other braced her lower back.
“It’s good to see you, Hay-Bay.”
“You too, Elle.”
We stood and smiled at each other for a few moments.
