The Way Back (Emerald Bay #1), page 5
But it couldn’t be me. Not with Eleanor. I couldn’t trust myself not to fall completely. I’d done it before and I could already feel it happening again. If she needed comfort, she’d have to go somewhere else, because I couldn’t be her pacifier. If I wanted any part of her, it was her heart – every last piece of it – and I didn’t think she was ready to give it away.
* * *
Sarah and Sylvia pedalled their bikes ahead of me, their little legs pumping enthusiastically and their wheels swerving back and forth with each push. I smiled. My girls gave me so much love, laughter, peace.
We reached the end of the trail and dismounted to push when the sand grew thick. I leaned my bike against a fence this side of the dunes and the girls copied, grinning up at me from happy faces. We loved to visit this beach.
I loved to visit this beach.
It was where Elle and I always came when we’d wanted to get away from everyone and think. There was never another soul in sight. It was hidden away from the main beach by a headland at either end and tall imposing rocks, creating a small, sheltered bay. It was the perfect escape.
We ran down the trail through the dunes. Coastal gums wove branches over our heads, shading the length of the trail and peppering the sand below with tiny nuts. Crabs scuttled from our path, disappearing down large holes that lined the sides of the path. Suddenly, we emerged into the brilliant sunshine and the sparkling hidden cove, and I grinned. Whatever was happening in my life, I could come here anytime and lie on the beach, look up at the sky and listen to the rhythmic pounding of the waves against the shoreline. It never failed to calm my soul.
The girls ran and squealed across the hot dry surface, heading for the cooler sand near the shoreline. I hurried after them and scooped Sarah up into my arms with a laugh. I tickled her ribs, and she squealed and bucked in delight. As I ran into the waves, I held her high above my head, pretending I’d drop her in. She loved this game – we played it all the time. She giggled and squawked the whole time.
Finally I chuckled and dropped her onto my chest, hugging her tight. “Love you mega-bucketloads,” I whispered in her ear as I deposited her feet first on the hard-packed sand.
“Love you mega-bucketloads,” she chortled back with a wet kiss on my cheek, then ran off to play with Sylvia.
I stood straight to watch them as they searched the waterline studiously, no doubt looking for the perfect seashell. It had become something of a sport to them, comparing specimens for shape, colour, rarity and size. A collection of their favourites lined the top of our entertainment unit back at the house, and no doubt I’d be carrying the best of a new bunch home with me today.
I lifted a hand to shield my eyes from the glare of the sun and let my gaze wander the length of the beach to the steep rocky barrier at the other end. A tall rock, massive and almost square with a flat top, protruded strangely from the sand below. Elle and I had spent many hours on it. There were a few stepping-stone boulders that wound around the outer edge like a natural staircase, and you could pull yourself up the last part to stand on top of the rock. The surface was wide and even, beaten down by centuries of wind and rain. We’d climb up there, just the two of us, and hide from the world for hours – talking, laughing, making out.
The memories came flooding back as I stood there. It seemed like fate that Elle came home when she did – but not in a good way. Right when I’d begun to feel as if the darkness might finally lift, as though I had a chance of moving forward into a simple, peaceful life, here she came to disrupt all that. She couldn’t help doing it – our little scene behind the bike shop the other day was proof of that.
I still couldn’t believe I’d kissed her. What had I been thinking? It was like I couldn’t control myself. She’d always had that effect on me – all logical thought just left my head when she was around.
That kiss had shaken me, awakened me. And I couldn’t stop thinking about it – or about her. Even now, it made me burn inside remembering her mouth on mine. The way she’d wanted me made me want her all the more. Part of me wished I hadn’t stopped us. Part of me wanted to find her and kiss her like that again, start up where we’d left off.
I shook my head and trotted down the beach towards Flat Rock. I never took the girls up there, but maybe I would today. The tide was low and the weather was perfect. Anyway, I wanted to go up there and sit for a few minutes. I needed some time to think. Maybe I’d figure out how to make the right choice the next time Elle blew into my life. “Hey, girls!” I called to them. “Let’s climb this big ol’ rock up here!”
They looked at me, then the rock, and gathered their bounty between their hands to run after me. “Daddy!” yelled Sylvia.
I stopped. “Yes?”
“Can you please put these shells in your pockets? They’re so beautiful.”
I laughed. “Sure, my darling.” They both handed me their treasured shells, and I placed them carefully in separate pockets – they were always adamant I didn’t mix up their collections. Then we made our way around the outside of Flat Rock. I helped them up the steps, one at a time, then boosted them up the last part, following close behind.
As soon as my head passed the lip at the top, I knew we weren’t alone. A family sat on top, on a picnic rug, eating a meal together. I saw the back of a blond head and three small pairs of eyes turned to stare at me. Then, the head spun around and our eyes met as my heart pounded in my chest.
“How are you, Finn?” she asked.
“Hi, Elle. Fancy seeing you here.”
CHAPTER NINE
ELEANOR
Finn found us on Flat Rock. I shouldn’t have been surprised, since it had always been our place. Our escape. When things got complicated, it was the one place we could go to get away from our parents, school, friends and the pressures of life. And after what had happened between us at his bike shop, it made sense he’d show up here. After all, it’s where I’d come.
I’d told myself I’d brought the kids to Flat Rock to eat fish and chips together and look out over the ocean. But really it was because of Finn. Because he was on my mind, and I wanted to go somewhere I could sink into memories of us like a warm, worn blanket.
We’d only been there a few minutes when Finn and the girls appeared on the beach below us. They were far away at first, so I didn’t recognise him – I just saw a happy family playing together, a father (obviously devoted to his two young girls) tickling, wrestling and throwing them in the air. I’d smiled and taken a bite of fish, imagining what kind of person he might be, what their story was.
My kids were preoccupied with the food. They loved fish, especially when wrapped in white paper and eaten on a picnic rug at the beach. They were laughing and talking about surfing. I half-listened to them, my focus temporarily taken by the family on the beach. There was something so familiar about the man on the beach.
Then they drew nearer to us, and I knew it was Finn. I’d never seen his girls before, but they were beautiful – sweet and innocent, lost in the pleasure of finding seashells in the golden sand. When they began the climb up to Flat Rock, my heart jittered in my chest. What would I do now? What could I say? After the way he’d kissed me behind the bike shop, then stormed off, I wasn’t sure how he’d react to seeing me again.
His daughters appeared over the edge of the rock and stood staring at us with big eyes. I dipped my head, breathing in slowly, working to gather my thoughts. When I turned back to smile in welcome, his eyes met mine with what appeared to be shock. I greeted him, and he gave a tentative smile in return, then climbed up to stand beside his girls, who instinctively reached for his hand.
“How are you, Finn?” As opening lines went, it could’ve been worse.
“Hi, Elle. Fancy seeing you here.”
I couldn’t help but grin. “I could say the same for you.”
He chuckled. “Of all the rocks, on all the beaches …”
Relief flooded through me. He seemed relaxed – happy, even. If he could put what happened between us behind him, then I could as well. “We’re having a picnic and there’s plenty of food. Would you like to join us?” I stood and walked over to kiss him on the cheek in greeting.
I saw him exchange a look with his daughters, who nodded their heads enthusiastically. “Sure, we’d love to. Thank you.”
Stella, Jack and Pattie moved aside to let Finn and his girls sit on the picnic rug with us. We didn’t have plates – we were simply enjoying sharing a meal we could eat with our fingers. But it seemed strange now to share it with Finn and his daughters. And yet I’d always been so comfortable around him in the past. He knew everything about me, and I knew all his secrets – or at least I used to. I wondered if he had new secrets.
“Wow, this smells great.” Finn grinned at me, his legs crossed in front of him. “What have we got here?”
“Fish fillets, calamari rings, grilled scallops and chips. Please, eat up – we can’t possibly get through all of this food. I told Stella we didn’t need so much, but she insisted she was starving to death, so here we are,” I finished with a shrug of my shoulders.
Finn smiled. “We can definitely help you out then. Can’t we, girls?”
His daughters nodded and began to eat.
“By the way,” I said, “I’m Elle. This is Stella, Jack and Pattie.”
“I’m Sylvia,” the older girl said shyly.
“I’m Sarah,” said the smaller one with a bounce of her lopsided pigtails.
“Nice to meet you. You know, I’ve been a friend of your dad’s for a long, long time. In fact, we became friends when we were only a few years older than you are.”
“Wow,” said Sarah. Sylvia stopped eating to look at Finn with wide eyes. He nodded at her and popped a calamari ring into his mouth.
My kids looked at Finn with a new level of interest.
He swallowed. “Sorry, I should introduce myself as well. I’m Finn, and yes, I’ve known your mother for a very long time. Do you know, back when I first met her she used to win every surfing competition in Emerald Bay.”
Jack’s eyebrows arched in surprise and he stared at me with curiosity. “Really, Mum?”
I nodded my head and felt my cheeks flush. “It’s true. I wasn’t always this completely uncool, SUV-driving, cookie-baking specimen of amazing athleticism you see before you – I was a kid once too. I know how hard that is for you to imagine.” I laughed and tossed a chip at Finn, who was grinning at me in amusement.
His eyes hardened and he picked up a handful of chips. “Be careful what you start, Mrs. Farmer.” He threw one, and it landed in my hair.
The kids looked at the two of us with a mixture of horror and thrill. I cleared my throat. Clearly I would have to be the mature one, the one to show the children a good example of what it looked like to walk away from a very tempting food fight. It would be a wonderful lesson for them to learn. I smoothed my shorts and sighed. “Okay, Finn, you win. Let’s just enjoy our meal, shall we?”
His eyes twinkled and his head dipped to one side. “I win? I don’t think you’ve ever uttered those words the entire time I’ve known you.”
He wasn’t going to make this easy for me. I truly wanted my children to witness me being the bigger person. I glared at him and said slowly, through clenched teeth, “Well, now you have.”
Finn only laughed. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and began tapping at the keys, making no attempt to hide how amused he was at my expense. “Hold on, just a moment – I want to capture this for posterity. I mean, when will it ever happen again – the great Eleanor Farmer giving in, hoisting the white flag, letting me beat her? An auspicious day, a moment to be captured and celebrated repeatedly in the years to come.” He chuckled and held the phone towards me. “What was it you said, Elle? Can you please repeat that for me?”
I growled in frustration and launched a chip at his head, hitting him directly on the nose.
His eyebrows arched and a wicked look flitted across his face. I knew that look. I feared that look. Oh, what had I done?
We both jumped to our feet at the same time, launching chips at one another in rapid-fire succession. The children were completely caught by surprise, but it was only seconds before most of them joined in. Sarah was the only one who didn’t – she quickly piled the front of her skirt full of chips and hurried to stand by a large boulder well out of our way. The rest of us raced around the surface of the rock, pelting each other with chips and fish and calamari.
When the food was gone, Finn ran at me, grabbed me by the legs and hoisted me over his shoulder. He jogged around in a circle, one hand raised above his head, shouting various phrases about being the champion with me flailing over his shoulder. He chuckled with delight as the children chased us, grabbing at me and tickling my feet. Only Pattie stood against the crowd. She tried to stomp on Finn’s feet, shouting “Put my Mummy down! Put my Mummy down!”
Finally he lowered me to the ground, panting. I was laughing so hard I had a stitch in my side. We both stood, facing each other and shaking with laughter as we tried to catch our breath. His eyes were on mine and full of fire. I swallowed and drew a long, slow breath, our gaze unbroken. The children quickly lost interest and climbed down the side of Flat Rock to chase each other along the water’s edge. Sarah trotted slowly behind the group, popping chips into her mouth, her skirt still held out in front of her like a basket.
Finn stood with his hands on his knees, his back bent as he recovered from our fight. “You started it,” he smirked.
I shook my head and answered between gasps. “No … I didn’t. I was trying … to be the bigger … person.”
He grinned. “That’s new.”
I frowned. “I’m a mother now. There’s a lot you don’t know about me. I’m not the same carefree, skinny, pimpled teenage girl you used to know.”
“I can see that,” he said. His eyes wandered lazily down my face and over my body, then back up to meet my eyes with a mischievous glint.
I blushed. “Well. You’ve changed too.”
His eyes clouded over and he stood up straight. “Yeah. Life does that.”
“I’m sorry about your wife, Finn.” I said, my voice a whisper.
He frowned at me, then stared down the length of the beach. “I’m sorry about your husband. Do you think you two will ever get back together?”
“No,” I said, squaring my shoulders.
He rubbed a hand over his brow and down his face. “You deserve better, you know. You deserve the best, Elle.” His eyes met mine and they were full of pain. He turned and climbed down the side of the rock.
I waited a few minutes, choking back a sob that had risen in my throat at his words. I took some deep breaths and closed my eyes to let the breeze caress my face and the sound of the waves calm my spirit. Then I folded up the picnic rug, tucked it under my arm, and followed him down to the sand below.
* * *
The rental house stood at the back of the property. It had a large square front yard surrounded by a mossy white fence that took up the front half of the land, a garden that was mostly browning grass, and a few shrubs along the fence line. The house itself was constructed of old, white chipped timber and an iron roof.
The kids and I stood beside the moving truck, looking at the place. “It’s not so bad,” I said. No response. “I know it’s not like our house in Sydney, but it’s just temporary. We’ll buy something of our own soon.”
“Okay, Mum,” responded Stella.
I lifted a hand to my forehead to shield my eyes from the sun glaring down on us out of a cloudless blue sky. Wrinkling my nose, I said, “All right, well let’s get this truck unpacked then, shall we?”
“Do I at least get my own room?” asked Jack.
“Yep, you sure do.”
“How about me?” asked Pattie, her eager eyes wide and innocent.
“Sorry, sweetheart – you and Stella will have to share this time.”
“Yay!” she shouted, then turned around to catch Stella’s response.
“No way,” said Stella, stomping her foot on the tarmac. Pattie’s face dropped.
“Come on, Stella, don’t be mean to your sister. It’ll be great. You’ll love having her in the same room.”
“Yeah, right,” said Stella, hands on her hips.
I went to the back of the truck and swung the doors open, pulled the steel ramp straight out and lowered one end to the ground. Climbing inside, I lifted a trolley from the wall where it had been secured after we packed up the house in Sydney. After passing some small boxes to the kids, I loaded it up and rolled it down the ramp. Just as I was wheeling it through the front door, Mum and Dad arrived on foot to help. “You’re just in time,” I called to them, disappearing inside.
We didn’t bring much with us from Sydney, so it wasn’t long before everything was in. We stacked the boxes in the rooms they were marked for and situated the furniture as best we could. “How about we go back to our house for dinner?” asked Mum, smiling and winking at the kids.
“That sounds great, Mum. I don’t know what we’d eat otherwise,” I wiped the sweat from my brow and slumped down on the arm of one of my brown leather couches.
“All right. Well, I’ll head home and get my famous jerk chicken ready for Grandpa to fix on the grill. How does that sound?”
“Perfect. Thanks, Mum. I’m going to stay here a bit longer and unpack the kitchen. I’ll be there soon.”
“Anyone else you’d like to invite over?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at me.
“Like who?”
“I heard that you saw Finn Matthews,” she said.
“Who told you that?”
“Dave Smith. I was down at the garage this morning getting my alternator checked. You know my car battery has been playing up. I mentioned that, didn’t I?”
“Oh yeah, what did he say?” I asked.
“He said the alternator’s fine – I just need a new battery.”
