“So what are you doing here?” she asked.

  “I moved back home a few days ago, actually.”

  “You must be joking.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “I never thought I’d see the day when you’d move home. I mean, Dave told me you were in Emerald Bay, since you didn’t think to call me – but I can’t believe it’s permanent. Is it?”

  I laughed and put my hand over my heart. “I’m sorry I haven’t been a very good friend lately … well, for a while. But we’re home – for now. Is this your first?” I pointed at her bloated belly.

  “Yep, first one. Where are your kids?”

  “All three of them are with my parents.”

  “Three – yikes! I mean, I knew you had three, but hearing you say it just now … wow. You went through this three times? You must be a masochist.” She chortled and smiled ruefully at me.

  “Yes, I did. But really, the memory of it all fades pretty quickly – probably to keep us going back for more. What are you doing now? Would you like to grab a coffee?”

  “I’d love to, but I have to get back to work. Hey, why don’t you join me? I had an appointment cancel, which is why I’m out here getting this.” She held up a chocolate bar, the wrapper pulled halfway down and several bites missing. “You could be my next appointment, if you want.”

  “You know what? I’d love to. A haircut sounds perfect right now. For the first time in ages I actually have a few minutes to myself. The kids went back to my parents’ house after lunch and Mum told me to take a walk and relax. So here I am, relaxing.”

  “Well, then, come relax in my salon. I’ll even do your nails for you if you like. Actually, I’ll have someone who can bend at the waist do your nails for you.” She grinned.

  “Now I remember why I loved you so much in high school!” I wrapped an arm around her thick waist and we walked to the salon together, chatting like no time had passed and nothing had changed.

  * * *

  With foils protruding from my head, my nails newly painted and an hour’s worth of catching up with Hayley, I was feeling much better. She told me she and Dave were doing well and wanted two children, a boy and a girl. It had taken them a long time to get pregnant, but they were so excited they were finally going to be parents. She filled me in on all the local gossip: who was dating whom, who’d gotten a divorce and what our old school crowd were all up to.

  “So …” I’d waited as long as I could bear it. “What about Finn? I noticed he’s back in town – what happened?”

  Hayley looked at me with solemn eyes. “You didn’t hear? His wife was killed in a car accident three years ago.”

  My mouth formed a silent “Oh,” and tears pricked the back of my eyes as I thought about the pain he must be feeling, what he’d gone through.

  “He moved back here about a year later,” she continued. “He has two girls, gorgeous little things. He opened the bike shop and basically just keeps to himself. Dave’s been trying to get him to go out a bit, date, have fun, but he doesn’t seem interested – in case that’s what you were wondering.”

  “Not particularly. I just feel really bad for him, that’s all. How horrible.”

  “Yeah, it really destroyed him. Dave says he’s not himself anymore. We never see him out and about. He doesn’t socialise or anything, just works and goes home to the girls. Mia’s been desperately trying to catch his attention for two years now, but he’s not really into her at all. She’s going crazy over it.”

  “Mia? Mia Hampton from school, the one with the braces and frizzy brown hair?”

  “Yep, only she doesn’t have braces anymore, or frizzy brown hair. She’s got sleek blond hair and straight white teeth and is pretty much gorgeous all-round.”

  “Wow. Things change, huh?”

  “Some things, I guess.”

  “But Finn isn’t dating anyone?”

  “No.” She eyed me suspiciously. “Any reason you’re asking?”

  I smiled and shook my head unconvincingly.

  “Oh ho ho! Come on now, you can’t just drop a hint like that and leave me hanging. What happened? Dish, spill, share, divulge, sista!”

  “Okay, well I … kind of kissed him yesterday.”

  “What? You’ve been in town for all of a minute and you’ve already kissed Finn Matthews, the hottest single guy in Emerald Bay? You don’t waste any time, do you? Man, what did he do? Did he kiss you back? How was it? Tell me everything!” She grabbed my arm and shook it.

  “He did kiss me back, but it was kind of an … angry kiss.”

  “Oh wow, I love angry kisses.” She sat back in her chair and sighed, staring dreamily out the salon window.

  “Hmmm … yeah, me too. Anyway, then he pulled away and sort of yelled at me.”

  She frowned at me. “What for?”

  “For breaking his heart all those years ago. He said he couldn’t do it again. Then I left.”

  Hayley raised her eyes to the ceiling, then closed them and exhaled slowly. “Wow. That is so romantic.”

  “It actually was.” I smiled and ran my hands over my forearms, where goosebumps had formed just thinking about it all.

  “I miss romance.” She sighed again and rubbed her belly, pushing herself up onto her swollen feet.

  “You’ll have it again one day.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Yeah, right. I’m never going to be sexy again, I mean look at me. I’m like a beached whale who’s not sure how to get back into the ocean.” She laughed.

  I stood beside her and laid an arm across her shoulders, hugging her to my side and chuckling. “Trust me, it’ll all come back. Everyone feels that way when they’re pregnant – you think you’ll never be yourself again. But you will be – it just takes a little time.” I sighed at my own words. It was true for babies, but what about love? If you lost yourself to love, could you ever be whole again?

  She looked me up and down. “Well, since you’re looking so fine after three, I guess I’ll believe you.” We laughed together and walked to the cash register. “This one’s on me,” she said.

  “No way, I’m paying. This is your livelihood and you’ve got a baby on the way.” I snapped my purse open.

  “Fine, then. But at least let me buy you a drink at Diablos on Saturday night.”

  I grinned. “You’re on.”

  “We’re going there to support Mia. She’s singing. You should sing too – it’s open mike night.” Her face lit up. “How long has it been since you sang in front of people? It would be a great way to say ‘I’m back!’ And I’d love it – we all would. What do you say?”

  My heart rate sped into overdrive at the thought. “I’ll consider it.”

  “Awesome! I can’t wait. See you there around eight, okay?”

  I handed her a wad of cash and snapped my purse shut. Waving over my shoulder, I called, “see you then,” even as my insides began to tighten into a clump of nerves.

  I hadn’t played guitar or sang in front of anyone since I left the band years ago, before the children were born. In fact, I hadn’t performed without Mack since leaving Emerald Bay. When I sang, it was always with him on bass guitar, standing right beside me. I didn’t know how to sing, or who I was as an artist, without him anymore.

  How could I stand in front of all those people who knew us both and remembered us together and sing alone, now that he’d discarded me for someone else?

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  FINN

  THREE YEARS EARLIER

  “Everything’s packed … I think.” Suzy walked into the house through the front door and tipped her head to one side, with that lopsided smile that always got my heart racing. Her big green eyes sparkled at me as she knelt down to pick up a stray toy and flicked it into the toy box.

  I walked over and wrapped her up in my arms, feeling her nestle her face into the space beneath my chin. Her cheek rubbed against my two-day-old stubble and my heart melted for the thousandth time. “Well, if it’s not in the boot, it’s not coming with us. We couldn’t fit another thing in the car if we tried. Is there actually anything left in the house that we haven’t packed?”

  She laughed, a sparkling laugh that lit me up the first time I met her and every time since then. I soaked in the warmth of her arms.

  “Is it wrong that I’d just rather stay here at home with you and lay around by the pool, or watch movies, or take a nap than go on vacation? When did holidaying become so much hard work?” She locked her arms around my neck and peered into my eyes before kissing me softly on the mouth.

  “Since those two came along.” I nodded toward the dishevelled girls in the back yard, who were at that moment fighting over the pink sand pail.

  “Oh, right. I forgot about them.” She winked at me, her breath hot on my neck.

  I felt as though I had tipped the scales on Lady Luck. “How did I get so fortunate as to find you?” I pulled her closer still until our bodies were locked together and it seemed as though our two hearts were drumming as one.

  “Daddy! Sarah’s not sharing,” shouted an angry six-year-old voice from outside.

  “Dad duty calls.” I tapped Suzy gently on the nose with a fingertip, then strode into the backyard. “Sarah! Come here, sweetie-pie.”

  “Aw, Dad, it’s my turn!” Her pudgy face turned sullen and she stomped through the tangled grass to my side.

  I knelt down in front of her, drawing her tiny body into my arms. “Do you know how much I love you?”

  Her face lit up and her blue eyes shone into mine. “Mega-bucketloads.”

  “That’s right, mega-bucketloads. Time to visit the little girls’ room – we’re leaving in five minutes, okay?”

  “Okay, Dad.”

  Sarah toddled into the house and down the hall, her three-year-old legs pumping as fast as they could.

  “Time to go,” I shouted to Sylvia, who promptly threw her shovel into the sand pit and ran full tilt for the house. I grabbed her, laughing, just before she made it through the doorway. “Brush off first please, Missy. You’re covered head-to-toe in sand.”

  She smirked and reached down to dust herself off. “Okay, Dad.”

  I followed Sylvia into the house.

  “Finn?” called Suzy.

  “Yes, my love,” I said.

  “Time to go. You ready?” Suzy grinned at me again, that half-smile that made me crazy.

  “Ready.”

  * * *

  Half an hour into the journey, I eased my foot onto the brake as we approached the exit ramp to the highway that would lead us south to my hometown. Suzy was reading a book on her iPad, and in the back seat the girls were already halfway through the snack bag. “How much longer?” asked Sarah, kicking absently at the seat in front of her.

  “We still have an hour to go,” Suzy told her. “Sarah, please don’t kick Mummy’s seat.”

  “Sorry, Mummy.”

  “How about we sing something?” Suzy threaded her long fingers through her light brown hair and leaned back casually against the seat. Putting her iPad away, she broke into an off-pitch rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus.”

  I laughed at her, glancing back and forth between her and the road in front of me. She had her feet perched on the dash and was tapping one foot along to the song. I wanted to kiss every part of her. Two high voices merged with hers from the back seat, and the car was filled with their happy melody.

  Just as I opened my mouth to join in, a large kangaroo bounded out in front of our car. With only a second to react, I slammed on the brakes, jamming the steering wheel to the right and away from the animal. Too late – it crashed through the windshield. Glass shattered. Screams filled the air around me. Where there had been sweet voices singing in unison, there was now the screech of twisting metal on tarmac.

  In that single moment, everything changed. And something deep down inside of me broke.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  FINN

  “You’re too young to go to a sleepover party and that’s final.” I pushed the plastic spoon around the wok, moving the bright vegetables and sliced chicken briskly over its oiled surface.

  “Daddy, I’m not too young! Everyone else is going and they’re all staying the night at Rebekah’s. Why can’t I? It’s not fair.”

  “You can go to the party, but I’m going to pick you up at eight-thirty.” I hated upsetting her, but there was no way I was letting her sleep over. She was only nine years old.

  “Eight-thirty? Come on, Daddy, everyone will think I’m such a baby.”

  “Sorry, sweetheart – eight-thirty is late enough for you to be at someone else’s house.”

  She stomped from the room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

  An image flashed across my mind: Eleanor, her head back and her neck arched in front of me. I could feel the heat of her legs wrapped around me, could hear her jagged breathing as my hands explored her body. We were teenagers again, and the thrill of the memory almost overwhelmed me.

  I hadn’t thought about that moment in a long time.

  I shook my head in an attempt to dislodge the image from my mind, but desire crawled its way up out of my belly once again, squeezing tightly until I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. I’d known this would happen – it was why I didn’t want to see her. I could try to stay away from her, but I couldn’t stop the memories. Somehow, they found their own way home.

  A knock on the front door interrupted our disagreement. Sylvia ran to open it. “It’s Grandma and Grandpa!” she yelled from the entry way back towards the kitchen, where I was now putting freshly rinsed rice into the rice cooker.

  “Hello, darling!” cried my mother, as she flew into the kitchen like a whirlwind.

  “Mum,” I kissed the cheek she offered me and returned to my stirring.

  “Sylvia tells me she’s not allowed to go to a sleepover party, is that right?”

  “Not exactly.” I frowned. Of course Sylvia had told my mother all about it. She knew her grandmother would stand up for her. “I told her she could stay until eight-thirty.”

  “Oh. Poor Sylvie. It doesn’t seem right to exclude her from something all her friends are doing. She said the rest of the girls are sleeping over.”

  “Stay out of it, please, Mum.”

  “Well, of course it’s none of my business.” She pulled silverware from a drawer and began setting the large round dining table.

  “Glad we’re clear on that.” I arched an eyebrow as I lifted the wok from the stovetop and turned off the gas.

  “You were doing sleepovers when you were six years old, my boy.”

  I rolled my eyes, being careful not to let her see. I knew she couldn’t help herself, but I hated it when she interfered in my parenting.

  “Finn, you’re holding on so tightly to the girls. At some point you have to relax your grip a bit. They’ll only resent it if you don’t give them any room to breathe.” She pulled a stack of plates from a nearby cabinet and placed them around the table.

  “I’m not holding on too tightly.” I pressed my lips together.

  “Yes, you are. It’s been three years, Finn. You don’t even let your father and I help you with the girls much. We could watch them more often, you know, so you could spend some time with your friends. Maybe even go out on a date.”

  I stopped stirring to glare at her. “I don’t want to date.”

  Her voice softened and she returned to the kitchen, taking my hands gently between hers. “It’s time to let go.”

  I pulled them away. “What if I can’t?

  “You can. Nothing will fall apart if you do. Everything will keep rolling along. Try it and see.”

  “The girls need me. They don’t have a mother anymore, so I have to be both dad and mum. I just don’t feel as though I can leave them with other people when they’ve already lost so much. I hope you can understand that, Mum.” I breathed out a long, slow sigh.

  “Of course I do, darling.” She patted my hand and pulled me closer to wrap her arms around me. “It’s all going to be okay, Finn. You’ll figure it out. I know you will.”

  * * *

  I pushed the lawn mower hard, feeling the rush of air against my legs as the grass shot out the side. I wiped the sweat from my forehead with one hand, pulled my red Bulldogs cap further down on my head and leaned forward with a grunt.

  Yard work was usually a good escape – I could hide away from it all and get a moment’s space. But not this time. It gave me too much time to think.

  I wound back and forth across the spacious lawn, trying to focus on the landscape around me rather than the turmoil inside. I lifted my head and watched the breeze blow the sea grasses on the dunes at the edge of the yard. I couldn’t see the ocean beyond the sand banks, but I could hear it crashing in an almost musical rhythm against the shoreline. The soughing of the retreating waterline, followed by the rush of a waves running whitewashed up the beach, bubbling and frothing over crab holes and pippies buried deep beneath the sand.

  There was nothing that could relax me like the sound of the ocean. When I lived in Brisbane, working as an advertising executive for Smith and Paulson, I played ocean sounds on my MP3 player at night to help me fall asleep. But even the waves weren’t working for me now. They couldn’t soothe me, not with my mind racing the way it had been lately.

  I couldn’t get Eleanor out of my head – she invaded my thoughts and raided my dreams. For me, there was no escaping her.

  Why did she have to come down to the shop? What did she want from me?

  I’d been surprised to see her there. She’d wandered around back in her floral skirt and lacy top, cheeks flushed red, breathing hard like she’d run there to see me. It turned me on to think of it, her wanting to see me that badly. She tried to play it cool when she got there, but I could see the rise and fall of her chest and the sweat dripping down the sides of her face and neck. She’d been desperate to see me. But why?

  I’d asked around. Dave told me she’d just divorced her husband, who’d run off with one of her best friends. She must be hurting, feeling all alone. I knew what that was like. She probably just wanted to be with someone, to feel desirable again. To feel something again.

 

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