The Way Back (Emerald Bay #1), page 7
The truth was, I didn’t want to sing in front of Finn, or anyone else there, because my life was a disaster and emotions from my recent conversation at the bar were spinning around inside me, unchecked. If I stood up on stage in front of everyone and poured my heart out in a song, they’d all see right through me.
They’d know I was broken and only pretending not to be.
It’s impossible to pour your heart into a piece music if it’s sitting on the floor at your feet in shards.
I could feel Finn beside me without even looking at him. It was as though the heat from his body drew me in, and I struggled not to turn his way. If I gave in, I didn’t know if I’d be able to hold it together. But every moment I sat there, listening to the three of them discuss the erosion of the sand banks on Main Beach, or which was better, the chow mein or the lo mein at Fu Soo’s, or who’s feet stunk the most, watching him laugh and being unable to touch him, kiss him, pull him close, feel him pressed up against me — every second of it was pure torture.
“Are you okay?” He whispered it in my ear, leaning towards me, and for a moment I thought I could hear his heart pounding the way mine was.
I glowered at him. “Of course I am.”
He shrunk back, grinning, the tiredness hidden away again for now. He raised his palms towards me. “Sorry.”
I lifted a finger to my mouth and chewed nervously on the nail.
Hayley stared at me incredulously. “When did you take up biting your fingernails again? You stopped doing that when you were fifteen. And I just painted them for you – you’re ruining your lovely polish!”
I glared at the gnawed fingernail, shrugged and put my hand in my lap.
The DJ lowered the volume on the pounding music and spoke into the microphone. “Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mia Hampton!”
There were a few sporadic hand claps around the night club, but most patrons continued with their conversations and ignored the stage entirely. I turned in my seat, eager to see Mia after all these years.
The woman who took the stage didn’t look at all familiar. Mia Hampton had been frumpy, plump and pimpled. This woman was slender and glamorous, her straight blond hair hung gracefully down her back, her brace-less teeth sparkling as she smiled at the audience. Her perfectly toned legs peeked out beneath a pair of satin shorts, set off by matching stiletto heels. “That’s Mia?” I asked.
“Yep,” replied Hayley.
“Wow.”
“Yep.”
A man holding an acoustic guitar sat on a tall stool behind Mia as she pulled a microphone from a stand, holding it close to her red lips. She closed her eyes and began to sing a ballad. Its melody floated out over the crowd, bringing a hush to the room. She had a beautiful voice and her stage presence was captivating. “She’s amazing,” I whispered, unable to take my eyes off her.
“She’s something,” said Finn.
When she finished that song, she launched into an upbeat tune, and the audience, seemingly broken from their trance, returned to their drinks and conversation.
Once her set was finally over, Mia returned the microphone to its stand and made her way to our table. “Eleanor,” she said, her eyes guarded. “How nice to see you.”
“You too, Mia. That was really beautiful.”
“Thank you.” She turned her back to me and put her hand on Finn’s shoulder, leaning in close to him. She whispered something in his ear and then laughed loudly, throwing her head back and shaking her hair so it cascaded down her back like a waterfall.
All of a sudden, I realised I didn’t fit. The picture was complete without me. I didn’t have a place here any longer. I used to – but now I didn’t know who I was anymore, or where I belonged. I wasn’t a part of this life. I’d left Emerald Bay behind, and it had moved on without me. I stood up, slipped the strap of my guitar over my shoulder and, with my head down, sneaked out of Diablos and into the cool night air.
The streets were lit up by an almost-full moon that glided from behind a bank of clouds and beamed down across the Street. Most of the restaurant patrons had gone home, and waiters were lifting chairs onto tables and sweeping up crumbs, getting ready to close for the night. The soothing tones of the ocean seemed to call to me, and I headed toward the beach. No one else was around, and I wanted more than anything to feel the sand between my toes and taste the salt spray on my tongue. No matter what else was going on, the ocean always welcomed me. No matter how long I’d been gone, it always felt like home.
Who am I? Where do I fit? Do I belong here? If not here, then where? I had so many questions spinning around in my head and no answers.
I made my way to the beach via the walkway through the dunes. I could see the dark outlines of small creatures scuttling from my path, and the crash of waves grew louder with each step. Reaching the beach, I took my shoes off and pushed my toes deep into the soft sand. The top layer was still warm from the heat of the day, but lower down it was cool and damp. I wriggled my toes for a few moments, then strode forward toward the water’s edge, carrying my shoes in my free hand.
Ten years ago it would have been me up on the stage at Diablos. It would have been me flirting and toying with Finn Matthews, flicking my hair back and laughing at one of his jokes. Now I didn’t have the strength to do any of those things. I didn’t even know if I could. Or if I wanted to. Maybe that wasn’t who I was anymore. Maybe I’d changed.
I got to the water and dipped my feet in. The cold made me catch my breath, and I jumped out of the way of an advancing wave. It followed me up the beach, losing momentum all the time, then stopped and sank back towards the ocean with a soft sigh. I followed it and met the next wave on tip-toe. It rushed around my legs, enveloping me. This time the cold wasn’t such a shock and I relished the feel of it on my skin.
I brushed my hand against my cheek, surprised to find tears there. I was crying over the past that was lost to me and the person who I no longer recognised in myself, over the unknown future that stretched out before me like the cold ocean, its waves of loneliness and grief hitting me when I least expected it, taking my breath away.
“Eleanor!”
I spun around, quickly rubbing the moisture from my cheeks.
Finn ran down the beach toward me, his sandals in one hand and his shirt flapping around his tight abdomen in the breeze. “What are you doing?” he asked as he drew closer.
“Just taking a walk.” I whispered it, afraid he’d hear the hurt in my voice.
“Are you okay?” He stepped closer, trying to see my face in the moonlight. “Have you been crying?”
“I’m fine. I just wanted some time to myself.” I rubbed my nose as a sniffle threatened to give me away.
“You’re crying. What is it, Elle? Is it what I said? I’m sorry, it’s not about you. It’s just my baggage, honestly.” He reached for my cheek and rubbed a tear away with his thumb, then pulled me to him, holding me against his body. The warmth of him soaked through me in a moment and I felt his heart beating wildly inside his chest. His hands began to work their way around my back, rubbing, comforting, caressing.
“I don’t know,” I sobbed softly. “I just don’t fit here anymore. I don’t fit anywhere.”
“Yes, you do. You fit perfectly. This is where you belong.”
I wondered for a second if he meant in this town, or in his arms. “No, I don’t. I feel so lost. I can’t even remember who I am.”
“I remember you.” He pulled away and lifted my chin with a finger to look deep into my eyes. His own grey ones, filled with emotion, looked darker and wilder than they had before. Their intensity made me want to run away down the beach, but instead I stood there and returned his gaze.
He leaned forward. And time relinquished a perfect moment, just for us.
His lips were close to mine. I could feel his breath, smell his scent. His hands cupped my face. I closed my eyes, letting go of myself and everything around me. In that instant I didn’t want to be consumed by anything or anyone but him.
The wail of a siren filled the night air around us. It was coming our way and fast. I reluctantly opened my eyes and turned toward the approaching alarm. “Is that an ambulance?”
“I think so.” Finn dropped his hands to his sides and trudged through the thick sand back to the street. I followed close behind.
“It’s stopping at Diablos,” Finn said.
When we reached the road, we saw the paramedics wheel an empty stretcher into the building. We crossed and were about to head up to Diablos when they returned, this time with a patient strapped to the bed. “Hayley!” I cried, running to her side.
Dave stood beside her, holding her hand and looking panicked. Hayley’s face was contorted in pain and her eyes filled with fear. “Elle,” she said, “what’s happening?”
“I don’t know, hon – you tell me.”
“I’m bleeding,” she sobbed as a single fat tear ran down her cheek.
“Don’t worry about anything yet – it might be nothing. You just relax. I’ll follow you to the hospital. Do you want me to call your parents?”
“Yes, please.”
“All right, I’ll call them and we’ll see you soon.” I squeezed her hand as they pushed her quickly into the back of the van, slamming the doors closed and pulling away from the curb, the siren blaring again. I watched it vanish into the distance, my hands pressed to my forehead, my eyes wide with disbelief.
“She’ll be all right,” said Finn, touching my arm soothingly.
“I hope so. I’ve got to go.”
“Can I walk you home?”
“No, thanks – I’ll see you later,” I said over my shoulder as I broke into a jog toward my parents’ house while reaching for my phone. I had to call Hayley’s parents, then drive to the hospital. I glanced back at Finn. He was watching me leave, his eyes filled with longing, his strong arms limp at his side.
I couldn’t help wondering what might have happened if we hadn’t been interrupted by the siren. Where we might be now? If he had kissed me, would I have let him, or walked away? I honestly didn’t know. But I knew I couldn’t trust myself around him. I needed to make a decision about us when he wasn’t close by, when I could think clearly and rationally about what was best for me, for my family.
“I need to stay away from Finn Matthews,” I said aloud, running down the road while fumbling with my phone, my guitar bouncing heavily on my shoulder. For a moment, I almost believed I could.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
FINN
As I rode home in the Uber, I couldn’t stop thinking about Eleanor. The slope of her neck, the touch of her hand as it brushed against my arm, the wet tears on her cheeks as she stood on the moonlit beach with the ocean as her backdrop.
What was she crying about? Me? No, not me. Those were deep tears. Sorrowful tears.
I wish I could have comforted her more. I wish I knew the deepest, darkest part of her, the thoughts she kept hidden from me and from everyone. I used to know everything about her, but now she’d become a mystery to me. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking behind those guarded eyes. She never used to look at me that way — through shuttered eyes. Her eyes used to be open, vulnerable, with no wall standing in the way – warm and bursting with life.
What had happened to make her close off like that, to make her stand behind a border, looking out on the world around her as though she were somehow not a part of it? What, or who, had taken away her light?
I slumped lower on the vinyl seat and closed my eyes. My head was spinning from the alcohol, and fatigue hit me like a mallet.
One thing I suspected – Eleanor Farmer didn’t see me the way I saw her. Not anymore. She wasn’t going to open up to me, let me into her life. I could have gone to the hospital with her, but she took off and barely even looked back.
Then again, I needed some time to figure out what I really wanted. I needed separation. The way I was feeling, seeing her every day like I had lately wasn’t going to help. Maybe I should get away. I could take the kids out of school and visit Suzy’s parents in Victoria. They’d been asking us to come down for months now. They missed their grandchildren, but I always made excuses about not wanting the kids to be out of school and my needing to be at the store.
This might be the answer. I’d call Dave when I got home to make sure he and Hayley were okay. Then we’d head south. It would be the perfect opportunity to get away and place some distance between me and Eleanor. A chance for me to figure everything out. I knew one thing for certain. I wasn’t going to let Eleanor Farmer break my heart twice.
The Uber driver slowed. I opened my eyes and pushed myself up straight in the seat, straining to see the light grey walls of the house up ahead through the swaying sea grasses and the thick, enveloping darkness.
CHAPTER TWELVE
ELEANOR
CLOSED. That’s what the sign said – for the third day in a row.
Where was he? Finn had simply vanished from Emerald Bay without a trace. I ran my fingers through my dishevelled hair again, feeling the sweat seeping around the roots. Running was the only thing keeping me sane these days.
Hayley was still in hospital. Pre-term labour, they called it. She was on a drip and bed rest, her swollen feet raised high and her back cramping with discomfort. I’d been to see her every day. She was so strong, working so hard to stay positive. The doctors had told her they were doing their best, but she seemed to sense something was wrong. There was a glimmer of panic behind her eyes every time she looked at me.
And where was Finn?
I sighed and broke into a run. I had to get home. I only had an hour to get to hospital, visit Hayley, then drive back so Mum could get to her podiatrist’s appointment. I’d finally bought a new car the day before, a secondhand Mitsubishi Outlander. I was becoming quite the suburbanite.
The thought made me smile. Mack would’ve hated my new car. “It’s so bourgeois,” he would’ve said. Which was possibly one of the reasons I’d bought it. Possibly. I mean, I wasn’t that vindictive.
The hospital was less than half an hour away in Tweed Heads, where the landscape suddenly transitioned from sleepy coastal town to brassy, traffic-filled tourist destination. The drive gave me time to think. What was going on with Finn Matthews? Only a few days ago, he’d almost kissed me on the beach. Acted like he cared. Now he was nowhere to be found. He’d never given me his number, so I couldn’t call him. I had no idea where in Cabarita he lived, and he wasn’t listed. He’d apparently abandoned his shop. And I could hardly bother Hayley about it, with all she had going on.
So here I was – riddled with questions, with no way to satisfy my curiosity. If only I could find him. But I couldn’t, and I couldn’t take any more of this constant wondering. I knew I’d just have to bite the bullet and talk to Hayley about it, for lack of a better option. I was driving myself mad.
When I walked into her shared room, the overhead television set blared out the dramatic back-and-forth of a daytime soap. Hayley snoozed in her curved bed, feet raised high. Dave slept in the recliner beside it, his legs curled up awkwardly against the chair arm. I pulled a stool over to the bed and sat to watch her sleep. She snored a little, just as I had when I was pregnant. Her face glowed with the vibrancy of new life inside of her. She was beautiful.
Her eyelids flickered opened and she grinned in her discomfort. “Elle.”
“Hi, Hay-Bay. How’re you feeling?”
“Ugh.”
“That good, huh?” I smiled sympathetically.
“Worse.” She pressed fingertips into already red eyes.
“Yeah, this is definitely the sucky part. The last trimester is hard enough without being stuck on your back in a semi-comfortable bed.” I shot her a wry smile and reached for her hand to squeeze it.
“You’re not kidding.”
“So what’re the doctors telling you today?”
“Not much. I just wish they’d be honest with me – I can tell they’re hiding something. Like they’re too afraid to tell me the whole truth, you know?” Her eyes snapped with frustration.
“Maybe they are telling you the whole truth, and it just seems …”
“No. I can tell.” She was adamant.
“It might be pregnancy paranoia.” I grinned.
“What?”
“It’s a real thing.” I nodded my head vigorously.
“It is not. You’re making things up now just so I’ll feel better.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Is it working?”
“A little bit. Yep. It is.” She giggled. Then we both laughed, that easy laugh that two friends have who’ve known each other forever and shared a thing or twelve. I loved having that laugh with her. No one else understood it – it was ours.
“So can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.” She wriggled against the stack of pillows behind her back, trying to get comfortable.
“I mean, it’s nothing important. And I know you have a lot on your mind …”
“Please. I want to think about something else, anything else. Just spill it.” She tipped her head to one side.
“Do you happen to know where Finn is? His shop’s closed and has been for days. I haven’t seen him around, and I’m just … well, I’m going a little nuts about it.” I tucked a stray lock behind my ear.
“Have you called him?”
My eyes dropped and I shook my head. I felt childish. “Um … I don’t have his number. I was wondering if perhaps …”
“My phone’s on the table – look it up.”
“Thanks, Hayley.”
“Don’t mention it. Actually, mention it in your wedding speech – you know, if it comes to that.” She smirked and crossed her eyes at me.
“Don’t even start. I just want to talk to him, not marry him.” I shook my head and felt my cheeks grow hot.
“That’s how these things always start – with talking.”
I chuckled. She always knew how to set me at ease and make me laugh. At least now I had his number. Whether I’d use it or not was another matter. I tapped it into my phone, then shoved it back into my purse, returning hers to the bedside table. Maybe I would call him later. I only had a few minutes left to share with Hayley before I had to head home. “Enough about Finn. Have you guys decided on a name yet?”
