The Way Back (Emerald Bay #1), page 10
She ducked her head and looked at her feet. “Sure, of course. Some other time would be fine.” She turned to head back out onto the street.
“Okay, well — see you around,” I called after her.
She stopped at the door and turned back to face me with a frown. “What are you doing this afternoon?”
“Organising a charity bike ride to raise money for the volunteer fire service. We’re having a meeting at my place.”
She smiled and tipped her head to one side, and my heart raced in my chest. She looked so beautiful standing there with the sun framing her from behind and the wind blowing her curls about. “Oh, that sounds just like you. You’re really amazing, you know that?” Then she turned and hurried away.
I watched her leave, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was going to be harder than I’d thought to keep my distance. Hard because all I wanted to do was run after her. All I could think of was kissing her soft lips. All I longed for, was to hold her in my arms and never let go. And all the reasons I’d had for not doing any of those things were less clear in my mind than ever before.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
ELEANOR
I lifted my arm over my head and pulled the clasp of the zipper high with its string. My wetsuit still fit, but only just. It was stiff with age, but would work for now.
It had been so long since I went surfing, having lived in a bubble of babies, breastfeeding and nappies for much of the past decade. Surfing didn’t really fit in with the Playgroup lifestyle. But standing on the beach now, looking out over the crashing waves with a board under my arm, I felt a buzz of adrenaline. I’d missed this – the beach, the waves, the sand between my toes.
My hair was pulled back into a ponytail and I’d slipped my car key into the side of my bikini top, just the way I used to all those years ago. Everything was coming back now – the sounds, sights and smells brought the memories rushing in like cars coupled to a locomotive. I loved this. Why had I stopped doing it? Was it just motherhood, or something else?
I knew the answer to that question. Mack had never approved of my surfing, saying it made me seem like a beach bum. When I responded that he’d married a beach bum, he said he’d hoped I’d grow and “mature into my potential,” not cling to childish things from the past.
Remembering made my head spin with a rush of blood. Why had I accepted his words? I’d listened to his poison for so many years, letting him shrink my soul, allowing him to try and change me into someone I wasn’t. And when he left me for someone else, I felt as though I’d failed, that I’d let him down by not becoming what he wanted.
I could see it all so much more clearly, now that he was far away in Sydney and I was here in the open air surrounded by everything I loved. I should never have given up on myself or stopped believing in who I was. I should never have bowed to the pressure to be someone he imagined I should be.
Soon I was trotting toward the waves, finding the sweet spot that would take me out beyond the breakers beside the rocky headland. The water splashed cold against my face and soaked slowly through my wetsuit, making me gasp. I landed on the board with a huff and began to paddle. The first wave had already broken, so I duck-dived under with a push of my hands against the front of the board. I surfaced on the other side and shook the water from my head with a quick flip.
I grinned. The thoughts that had been spinning around in my head – thoughts of Mack, the kids, the years I’d lost trying to be someone I wasn’t, divorce, starting over, Finn and my struggle to stay away from him, Hayley and little Jake – all of them disappeared. All that remained was the ocean, the waves, the water on my skin, the sun beating down warm on my head and the worn board beneath me. This was more like it. I paddled further out, cresting over the unbroken waves that swelled beneath me.
My arms felt strong, and soon the water was no longer cold, but comforting. I stopped beyond the break and sat up on the board, watching and waiting. The set I’d paddled through seemed to have died down – I’d have to wait for the next set to arrive, but I didn’t mind. That was one of the best parts of surfing – sitting in the quiet, listening to the comforting sounds of the water, watching the seabirds diving and the children splashing on the shore. It wasn’t a chore – it was part of the pleasure, part of the adventure.
Another surfer paddled toward me and I glanced over with a nod.
Mia nodded back and turned to sit and wait beside me. “How’re things, Elle?” she asked, running a hand over her wet hair.
“Great, thanks, Mia. How’re you?”
“Good. Didn’t think you surfed anymore.” She smirked and squinted against the sun.
“Oh, it’s been a while.”
“Hope you can still do it, old lady,” she chuckled.
I gasped. “You’re just as old, sweetheart.” I laughed, and looked around for a swell. “Anyway, isn’t it just like riding a bike? At least, that’s what Finn says.” I saw her eyes narrow when I said his name. I knew she’d always had a soft spot for him, but hadn’t realised until then that her feelings had developed into more than that.
“You know, he really deserves some happiness.” She spat out the words like an accusation.
I kept my cool. “You’re right – he does. I hope he finds it.”
“Drama and heartbreak won’t help him and that’s what you’ve always brought with you, Elle. Think about what he needs, not just what you want in this particular moment. Why don’t you just leave him alone? You had your chance with him.” Her voice had become harsh and cold. She lay down on her board and paddled away.
I felt as though the breath had been knocked from my lungs. Is that what people thought of me, that I carried drama and heartbreak with me? That wasn’t me, was it? I didn’t mean to break Finn’s heart – we were just so young. I didn’t know what I wanted, let alone what was good for me. I’d do everything differently now.
And Mack had broken my heart, not the other way around.
The water swelled beneath me, and I pushed forward to lie on the board. I paddled, faster and faster, as a wave built behind me. I stood, leaned forward, my arms out to balance myself. Exhilaration coursed through my body, despite the pang of guilt caused by Mia’s accusations. I saw her out of the corner of my eye – she’d caught the wave too. And was headed straight for me.
I braced myself just in time before her board clipped the back of mine as she rode high on the wave behind me. The impact threw me into the water headfirst. I tumbled over and over, pummelled by the strength of the wave as it hurtled shoreward. I hit the rocks below the surface of the water several times, and I felt as though my lungs would burst if I didn’t get a breath soon. Just as I came to the surface, another wave hit and tumbled me all over again. I felt the tug of my board against the ankle strap as the wave tossed it around.
Finally my head bobbed to the surface behind the set. I drew a deep breath and coughed up the salt water I’d sucked in. I could see Mia had ridden the wave all the way to shore and was running up the beach with her board beneath her arm. I paddled over to my board, looped my arm over it, then climbed on and paddled toward shore, catching the remnants of a wave the rest of the way.
As I stood up on the shore, I felt my knee give way beneath me. I looked down to see blood trailing down my leg. My arm was cut as well, and there was a gash in the back of my wetsuit – I could feel the air against my skin. I hobbled up the beach, tears pricking behind my eyes. The beating I’d taken beneath the waves hurt, but Mia’s words had hurt more. I wondered if that was what Finn thought of me. Did he see me as trouble? Is that why he was doing his best to stay away from me? It did seem as though he was working hard to keep space between us.
I slumped to sit in the sand, my board beside me and my head in my hands. I’d come home to find myself, to discover the woman I’d lost all those years ago. Perhaps not everyone wanted the old Eleanor to resurface as much as I did. Maybe we’d all be better off if I left her in the past.
* * *
The house sat on a small rise overlooking the edge of Emerald Bay. The yard was full of weeds as high as my waist in places and the paint was chipped and faded. It had seen better days and needed a lot of work, but I could see the potential beneath the surface and was willing to give it a second chance – to redeem it. I related to this house.
It was time to move out of our short-term rental into a home of our own. Thankfully, the rental was owned by Dad’s friend and my real estate agent, Bruce Haversham, who’d been happy for us to live there temporarily until I found a more permanent home to buy. And now I had.
Mum and Dad weren’t so sure. They stood to one side, staring at the place through narrowed eyes. Dad had a hand above his forehead, blocking out the glare of the sunlight. I could hear Mum’s sigh from where I stood on the other side of the front lawn.
“It’s not so bad,” I said.
Dad’s eyebrows arched and Mum gave me a tentative smile. “Are you sure, sweetheart?” she asked. “It looks like a lot of work – and you are on your own, you know.” She put her hands on her hips and turned to face the house again uncertainly.
“I think it’ll be great. And yes, I’m very aware that I’m on my own – thanks, Mum.” I grimaced. I would renovate this house, if only to prove to myself and everyone else that I could do it on my own. That I could do life on my own. I didn’t need anyone to hold my hand on the way. I could do it all by myself.
Just because I’d never wanted to do it alone, which was why I’d gotten married at such a young age, was no longer the point. I was alone now through no choice of my own, and I had no other option. My children needed me to be strong, they needed me to provide, and I would do just that.
“Shouldn’t Mack be contributing something?” asked Mum, strolling toward me. “If he gave you some money, maybe you could buy a house that was a little less … basic.”
“He’s supposed to give me some money when the house in Sydney sells, but who knows when I’ll get it. You know Mack – he’ll probably have it tied up by lawyers until kingdom come. I don’t want to wait. No, I’m doing this and it’s going to be fine. You worry too much, Mum.” I jogged up the front stairs, making a mental note to build new ones since the timber looked a bit rotten and I’d hate for one of the kids to fall through. The front door was solid if aged, and opened with a groan.
Bruce was inside already. “That you, Elle? Come on through to the kitchen – you’re gonna love it. It needs a bit of elbow grease, but it’s functional and that’s what matters for now, am I right?”
I wandered through the foyer and dining room into the kitchen. It was outdated but reasonably clean. Bruce grinned at me over the counter. “So what do you think?”
“I like it. I’m going to put in an offer.” Butterflies leapt into flight in my innards.
He looked surprised. “Okay, then. Great – I’ll contact the owners.” He hurried from the room, pulling his mobile phone from his pants pocket.
I scanned the room, then wandered into the living room. It was spacious and homey, and I couldn’t wait for this house to become our home.
* * *
Three weeks later we were moving in. The previous resident had passed away, and the estate had been waiting for a buyer for almost a year. Thankfully I hadn’t unpacked many of the boxes from our last move, and with some help from Mum, Dad and Dave, we moved them all without too much difficulty.
The kids and I sat in the midst of piles of unpacked boxes in the dining room, eating pizza I’d ordered from the local delivery place. I took a giant bite of pepperoni and tugged at the string of cheese that drooped between the slice and my mouth. Pattie giggled and copied me, crossing her eyes to watch the cheese stretch. Soon we were all laughing and I looked around at my family, enjoying the special moment together.
Moving into this house signified that we were moving on. The past was behind us and the future looked promising for the first time in a long time. It wasn’t set in stone, but full of possibility. In the past, I’d always felt as though my life was following a path I couldn’t control. I was a wife, a mother, destined to be stuck forever by Mack’s side, living the life he wanted for us. But now there was nothing in the way of me creating any kind of future I wanted for us. For me.
We finished eating and cleaned up quickly, then ambled upstairs to the bedrooms and poked around until we found linens to make up the beds. Before long, the children were sound asleep and I lay in my bed thinking about recent events. I hadn’t seen Finn since that day weeks ago in his shop, when I’d invited him to go surfing with me and he’d declined. Hayley told me he was spending all his time working, looking after his girls and training for the charity bike ride he was organising. Dave had barely seen him either.
It didn’t make me feel any better. It seemed as though he was avoiding me, but there wasn’t much I could do about it. If he didn’t want to see me, I was hardly going to beg him to, and it likely wouldn’t make any difference if I did. It was time I forgot about Finn Matthews. He’d obviously forgotten about me easily enough.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
ELEANOR
A knock at the door interrupted my unpacking. I lay the box cutter down on the counter and hurried to the front door to find Hayley, a casserole dish in one and and baby Jake nestled in a carseat carrier in the other — a big grin on her face. “Congrats on the move, sweetie!” She bustled past me into the kitchen. “So where are the mimosas? Virgin of course.”
I laughed and shook my head. “I haven’t even found the blender yet.”
I bent to inspect Jake with a smile. He was so tiny, his little eyes drifting closed as he dozed.
“Soda?” Hayley asked.
“He’s pretty cute Hay-Bay. I think you should keep him. How about a juice box?” I said as I opened the door of the near-empty fridge.
She sighed, placed Jake’s carrier on the floor and laid the casserole dish on the counter. “Thanks. He’s downright adorable, but I’d kill for some sleep. And a juice box would be great.”
I pulled two juice boxes out of the fridge and handed one to Hayley.
She pushed the straw through the foil, took a sip and pushed herself up to sit on the bench, her legs swinging. “So where have you been lately?” she asked, one eyebrow raised.
I dropped my eyes to the floor. “Busy. You know, moving house – in case you hadn’t noticed.” I grinned and caught her eye.
“Yeah, yeah. I know you’ve moved house, but no one’s seen you in weeks. You aren’t even answering your phone. What’s going on?” She tilted her head back to take a long draught of the amber liquid, then stared me down again.
I felt my cheeks flush. “Sorry, Hay-Bay. I know it’s been a hard time for you and a bad time for me to go missing in action. It’s just been really busy with work, the kids, moving …”
“And?”
“And, I’ve been thinking about some things. That’s all.”
“You still haven’t sung at Diablos – what’s that about? You used to sing there all the time. You loved it. And now you’re back, and I haven’t even seen you play your guitar yet.”
“It’s hard to get away.” My excuse sounded lame even to my own ears.
“So tell me then – what have you been thinking about?” She eyed me before taking another sip.
“Just realising something about myself.”
“Yeah?” she said.
“Well, when I came back here, part of the reason I did was because the last time I remembered being completely happy was when I lived here before. I know it sounds pathetic, but when I got married it was as if I lost a part of myself. I should have known something was wrong – from the moment we first got together I knew Mack wanted me to be someone I wasn’t. But I was young and in love, and thought he was the most amazing man I’d ever met. And that he wanted me – well, it made my head spin. So of course, I tried to be everything he wanted me to be. But unfortunately, that meant being someone I wasn’t. And the problem with that is, that once you let go of yourself, it’s hard to find the person you were again.
“Then I had kids – and I love them, I really do. But if you think it’s easy to lose yourself after you’re married, kids change everything. Not only was I lost, I didn’t have time to think about it, let alone do anything about it. I became Mack’s wife, a mother, a volunteer at kindy and school — but never Eleanor, never myself.
“Anyway, I hoped that I’d be able to be myself again by coming back here, that maybe I’d reconnect with who I used to be, back when I was confident and knew who I was. When I liked myself, when I didn’t want to be anyone else or any different from how I was. Finn loved me just the way I was. You loved me. My parents loved me. Hell, I loved me. I was secure and happy. Coming back home — all I wanted was to find that person again.”
Hayley tipped her head to one side and laid her hand on my arm with a smile.
I drew in a deep breath. “But I’m beginning to realise I’ll never find that person I was. I’ve changed. Everyone around me has changed. It’s the one thing no one ever tells you – you can never go back. You just have to keep moving forward and make the best of it.” My head slumped toward my chest. I sighed and felt the tears pricking at my half-lidded eyes.
Then Hayley’s arm wove around my shoulders. “Oh Elle, it’s not so bad as you think. You’re still the person you always were. Yes, you’ve changed, but I can see the old Elle in there. You’re still you. And I still love you. That won’t ever change.”
The first tear rolled hot down my cheek. I felt sorry for myself and the thoughts whirling around in my head were giving me hell. “Thanks, Hay-Bay. It means a lot. But I just don’t know anymore. I’m not enough for anyone. I feel as though all I’m doing is surviving – because I have to, for the kids. I have to keep going, keep moving. They need me to function, so that’s what I do. I don’t want to be married to Mack anymore, but being apart is so lonely. It feels hard to keep going when you’re lost in that kind of loneliness.” I sobbed, and more tears found their winding way down my cheeks.
