Devotion: For Love or Honor, page 32
“He is a beautiful boy.” Dad slaps me on the back, pointing towards the gift shop. “Hey, on the way back up we should get some welcome baby stuff.”
Stopping in the cafeteria, my dad’s attempts to get me to eat is a lost cause, agreeing to a cup of coffee. Lifting the hot liquid to my lips, choosing a seat next to the window, the last remnants of the sun reflecting off the snow.
“Dad, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” There is no need to specify; he understands the question.
“Jenny and I worried about telling you about the baby while you were overseas. Son, I promise I would have done everything in my power for you not to miss his birth.
“Is this why you gave me the dates for my leave?”
“Yes. Your son Rhett.” He chuckles when he says the name. “Your son decided to make an early appearance interrupting my plans.” My confusion evident when he explains. “Jenny has been on reduced activity for the past month, working from home.” Dad takes a sip from his coffee before continuing. “I had notified your commanding officer last month about the situation.”
“What? He never said anything?”
“Ryan. Listen I don't know all the details about where you have been for the past few months, but I have been there, over there. Do you understand?” I nod. “Different times, different wars, but the danger is the same. Sometimes when you are on the other side of the world and your life is on the line day in, and day out then it is better not to know what you risk losing. Understand?” I nod, swallowing the massive lump of grown-up man shit.
“You pulled strings to get me back here?”
“Not, well. I did call in some favors. But it happened to work out. I knew there was no guarantee that you would be back on base in time.”
“This is why they got me out of there so fast today?”
“Yea. Major Garrison had the heads up. I called him first.” I shake my head. “Son, don't be mad at Jenny. Look I know you had a bunch of plans for that week after graduation from boot camp. And it didn’t work out. While you were standing there trying to get the right words out, to propose, your girl was dying to tell you she was pregnant.” My head tilts until I am staring at the two-story open ceiling. Leaving me to count the beams above the cafeteria seating, while my mind, full, with regret. Dad lifts his jacket from the back of his chair, my eyes returning towards the table, a glance towards the cup of coffee and the small box he slides across the table.
“You brought it.” My hand trembles as I open revealing sparkles of diamonds reflecting the artificial light from above after having not seen this ring since I paid the down payment placing it in lay-a-way then leaving for boot camp. My dad had brought the small symbol of my intentions towards Jenny with him for my graduation; all our plans pushed to the wayside when I got the call to deploy, losing precious time with my girl.
“It’s not too late, you know.” His brows furrow filled with intense concentration. “Ryan, you love that girl, and now you have a son to love and protect. Don’t you think it is time to let Jenny know how serious you truly are?”
“Dad, I only have seven days. That is not enough time. Besides, my apartment on base is shit. It is too small. Before I got the call to come here, I was already worried about what I have to offer her. I can’t expect her to move out there and live like that.”
“Son, you have two weeks starting tomorrow.” My surprise must be evident because he does not break for long before he is explaining. “Paternity leave. You as a new dad have fourteen days.” I accept a slip of paper from his open hand. “Call this number. You will have to let them know where you are staying. That is Jenny’s address under the number.” I shake my head, amazed. “Look if things would have been different you would have known all of this. It would have been you to set up your leave. Okay. All I did was bridge the gap between you and Jenny. Make your call, and let’s get back upstairs. I want to see my grandson again." I stand, remembering my phone is in my bag in Jenny’s room. “Here’s my phone.” Before I dial the number, I need to know.
“Dad one question. How does Major Garrison owe you a favor?” He laughs, shaking his head. “Come on.”
“Okay but don’t say anything he has an image to uphold.” Nodding. “We were in boot camp together. Second or third week in, we were taking apart the guns and then putting them back together. Mike, well he uh forgot an important part of the gun safety, almost shot his damn foot off. The fool had the gun pointed down, not realizing he had loaded the gun. I shoved the barrel at the right time, blew a damn six-inch hole in the dirt not two inches from his toes.” I shake my head. “But you can never tell anyone that story, or he will know who it came from.”
“I promise his secret is safe with me. So how many more favors does he owe you?”
“A bunch.”
#
Ryan
Jenny is sleeping when my dad and I walk into her room, armed with two sizeable helium-filled silver and blue balloons and a giant large teddy bear, I notice my bag sitting in the corner, as the nurse points toward the couch that makes into a bed for me. Me? The dad. I repeat, silent against my lips. This new and bizarre feeling all in one day, Jenny had all those months to adjust to the idea. I can’t fault her for not telling me; I didn’t give her much of a chance. It’s not easy, but I can understand her perspective, worrying about me worrying about her and the baby.
Merrilee, Dad and I are settled into chairs across from Jenny’s bed, taking turns holding Rhett. Merrilee has him now. Her voice just above a whisper.
“You know the day you left, Jenny collapsed.” I lean forward waiting for more. “We had to call an ambulance, dehydration and undernourished. She had been having terrible morning sickness, especially that day. The day of your graduation, the heat, it all got to her. But she would have done anything to be there for you. Ryan, she wanted to tell you, planned it. You guys were out there talking, and it was there, on the tip of her tongue to tell you.” I shake my head, filled with regret. “And then you were gone.” There is no anger or accusation in her words.
“It’s my fault. I was panicked trying to propose. And I messed it up, couldn’t get the words out fast enough. Jenny told me she had something to tell me, but I asked her to wait. I was afraid she was going to tell me she didn’t love me anymore.”
“Ryan. It’s not too late; your dad told me you have time to make her yours.” Her eyes drift to my son, then to me.
“But Mer. The base housing is crap; she will hate it. I can’t ask her to move there and then what if I get deployed again? She will be there alone with the baby.” Her hand reaches out to touch mine.
“Hey. Stop beating yourself up about this. It will work out. Ask your girl to marry you. Let’s get that done. The rest will happen. I promise me, and your dad will not leave Jenny alone. We will always be there for you, her and Rhett.” I watch as the flicker of love shines in Merrilee’s eyes, a fierceness that I can expect if she had to Merrilee would protect my small son with her life.
“Where is Jenny’s mom?”
I listen through their hushed tones, filling me in on everything that has happened since the way Jenny’s mother treated her during the divorce to her reaction of the pregnancy.
“Why did she bother to come to graduation?” I asked.
“Son, I think her goal was to do something to break you and Jenny up. That is why she left when she did. Her plot foiled when you left, and when Jenny fainted, she found out about the pregnancy.” I shake my head in disbelief hating this when having a family is Jenny’s priority.
“Jenny has to be missing her dad,” I mutter as Merrilee hands me, my son, reassuring me.
“Your dad has done a great job of taking over in a parental role. Hey, didn’t you hear?” She is giggling, so I laugh along when she announces. “Your dad is giving you up for adoption; he is keeping Jenny instead since you won’t hurry up and propose.” My dad releases a low laugh as I sense a moment pass between dad and Merrilee. Strange.
“Hey what are you three conspiring over there with my baby? Mer don’t you teach him any bad words.” The laughter continues until Rhett jumps in his baby-sleep-land his arms lurch out as if he is catching a football.
“Babe, did you see that? He is getting ready to catch a football.”
Jenny snickers. Rhett cries. “I bet he is hungry.” I take the baby to my girl. Merrilee and dad excuse themselves, asking if they can bring us back something for dinner. Jenny does not hesitate.
“Dad.” I look towards my father surprised when the endearment falls from my girl’s lips.
“Yes, dear.”
“You know what I am craving?”
“I can guess. Greasy and fattening?”
“Yes, sir.” He laughs. What I am feeling now as I look around this room can be described with one word, family.
“We will be back in an hour or so. Give you some alone time.”
The door closes, I lower myself into the chair next to the bed as Jenny guides our son to her breast to nurse. Mesmerized by the beautiful sight before me, I leave the chair to pull my camera from my bag. It has been to war and back, and by far the most mesmerizing thing this camera will ever capture is the sight of my son and his mother. Spying the vision in front of me through the lens I freeze the memory in time, saved on a small memory card, forever when I am old, looking back on my life, this image will be there at the top of some of the most beautiful moments in time. Lowering the lens, I announce.
“My son is one lucky kid.” Jenny’s gaze meets mine, our connection returning through months of loss communication, misunderstandings, and missed opportunities; but now it is back even better and stronger than before. We laugh together as we watch our son.
#
Jenny
I had expected to be nervous nursing our son in front of Ryan, and surprisingly, it feels as natural as him being here as if the months apart disappeared. I can feel how our special connection has returned, all the doubt for months, a waste of energy. I need to trust in what we have in knowing one day, somehow and some way it will all be perfect. Rhett finishes after nursing briefly to each breast, leaving me to wish for him to empty my uncomfortable chest a downright bizarre feeling. I hand Ryan the baby, as he helps his son burp for the first time, sending us both into laughter when the burp is quite loud.
“Dang son.”
“Did you eat a lot as a child?” I ask, curious. Rob has told me many stories during our weekly talks, but I would love to hear them from Ryan.
“My mom used to tell me I practically ate them out of house and home. I do remember her cooking a lot, but I was still hungry.” I snicker.
“Great.”
“Awe. You will get the hang of it. Look how well you already have done.”
“He is perfect, isn’t he?” I answer in between yawns.
“Yes. Thank you.”
“For what?” Surprised, by his words of appreciation.
“For giving me a beautiful and healthy son.” Ryan’s lips touch mine before he lays Rhett down in the bassinet, tucking his blanket in tightly around his small body. “Jen. I had so many plans, and it seems the more I made plans, the more life has a way of messing them up. But I do know this I can’t wait any longer. I need to know the answer to this question. I have wanted to ask you for a very long time now.”
“Oh?”
“Yes.”
Ryan kneels onto the hard hospital floor, still wearing the light blue scrubs with our son’s footprints visible above the edge of the bed. I lean forward against the twinges of my body after delivering our nine-pound son.
“I want to know will you marry me?”
“Yes. Yes. Yes.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Yes.”
Ryan holds up a fiery ring of platinum and diamonds, rising until he is sitting onto the bed next to me, eyes shifting towards the ring slipping the infinity design circling over my finger.
“How did you know?” This is the very ring, of my dreams the one that when I dared myself to believe that there was a good and kind man out in the world meant for me, then this would be the ring I would want. “I don’t understand. This is the ring of my dreams, along with you.” My hands clasp either side of his stubble dotted jawline. His hair much too short to run my fingers through, leaving me to miss the feel of his locks against my skin. Our lips meet in a tender blending, tongue to tongue, soul to soul.
“I overheard a conversation one night at the last wedding we worked together, where you spoke of your dream ring.”
“You remembered that?” I feel the heat pool beneath my cheeks.
“Yes. I started looking the next day for the ring. It was the week after prom when I found it, putting it in layaway and my dad brought it with him to graduation from boot camp.” He hesitates, as I witness the tick of his jaw. “I am sorry I had planned to give it to you then. That was me sounding like an idiot trying to propose before I got the call.” I laugh.
“Oh, Ry. I was trying to tell you I was pregnant.”
“No more. From now on, when we have something to say, we will just blurt it out. No more waiting for the perfect moment.” I giggle, stopping when my body rejects the movement.
“Hey.” I tip his chin until his lips hover above mine. “The proposal and the ring are perfect just like you are Mr. Raines.”
“Back at you, future Mrs. Raines.”
#
Ryan
“Ryan, I want to look good when we get married, not like a woman who just pushed a baby out of her hoo-haw.” My failed attempts to cease my snickering laughter has managed to get me into more trouble the past two days since our son was born. All I want to do is marry my girl before I return to the base and make plans for when I am stateside to spend as much time with her and the baby as possible. My attempts have been futile. Jenny is a cross between ecstatically happy one minute and on the verge of the tears the next, not to mention the fear of taking Rhett home.
We are waiting now for the hospital discharge, and my dad went to get Jenny’s car and pull it up to the front of the building. Jenny and the baby are in the wheelchair; both bundled up ready for the winter weather outside. My girl is as beautiful to me as the first day I laid eyes on her, but I am open enough to realize how much pregnancy has changed her body and what that had done for her self-image. I have received confirmation of the granted paternity leave, and I officially have thirteen days left, and then I need a solid plan for the next three years. Merrilee had driven home ahead of us to have everything ready for the baby’s arrival, wanting to make the transition for Jenny as easy as possible. Thoughts race through my head with tons of possibilities of how to proceed, unfortunately without any clear-cut answers.
“Hello, happy family. Congratulations on the new baby. My name is Myra, and I will be your transporter downstairs. Let’s make sure you are both bundled up. Oh, and Daddy is the car seat in the car and ready?” It takes Jenny clearing her throat for me to recognize the girl is addressing me.
“Yes, mam. All set followed the installation instructions.”
“Good deal. Let’s roll.”
First off, I have to say; my dad is an excellent driver having lived around snow and ice his entire life. Jenny was entirely at ease in the backseat with the baby; it was me; on the other hand, that was a nervous wreck. I can feel Jenny’s slender fingers grip my shoulder from the backseat.
“Ryan. Relax.”
“Sorry been awhile since I have been in snow and ice.”
My dad chuckles. “Son. You have been in it your entire life the only difference now is that little guy back there. Welcome to fatherhood.” Shit. Dad quickly changes the subject, taking turns without direction from my girl, then I realize he has been here before. “Jenny did you and Ryan talk wedding dates.” I can’t help but watch him smile each time he glances towards her ring on her finger. I believe he is as excited as Merrilee when they returned with Jenny’s dinner that first night, a short time after I proposed.
A part of me feels the familiar pang of regret, remorse, maybe? I am unsure of what the gnawing feeling deep in the pit of my stomach is, but from the moment dad began driving towards home, I have never seen the reality, my reality hits me. I have been gone for nine months now, and the world has not stopped turning, suspending my family in time for me to waltz back into what I believe I would find. My brain knows Jenny and Merrilee moved. When I would lie in my bunk late at night no matter where we were at the time as I closed my eyes and imagined my girl and her best friend it was always sitting at the table in the condo or on the couch watching a girl’s movie that left them both crying.
Even my dad appears to have found his niche in sharp contrast to the lonely man sitting in his recliner each night watching Fox news. He laughs, jokes and tells stories with Jenny and Merrilee, about events I have no clue. I stare out the window of a landscape that is not from home. Yes, I wanted to leave our town, graduation and out of there but now, I feel a strange sense of longing for the familiar sights and sounds, heck for that matter I miss the old smell of my childhood home.
I asked my dad once what that smell was after spending the night at a friend’s house, newer construction in a fancy little subdivision where everything was shiny and new. I loved the way the house smelled almost fresh with new paint the day before. I had never noticed the way our house smelled until I returned from the overnight visit and the scent, I associated with home engulfed me the moment I walked through the door. I had asked my dad, and he chuckled the way he always did when he found something, amusing, I said.
“Son. It is a sign of many families who have lived here. For you see it is layer after layer of varnish that you smell, for each new family who moved in here did their best to make the aged wood shine properly. It is a sign that in this house, there has been love, loss, and a willingness to continue.”
#
Jenny
“Ryan, I don’t understand why the rush. Why can’t we plan something for the summer and plan it around your leave?” He growls. That damn obstinate fool growled at me. How dare he?
