Devotion: For Love or Honor, page 27
Dad pulls over, grabbing a few soft drinks from the inside of a convenience store, allowing us a few minutes to talk, taking the opportunity, to ask.
“You have my dad’s number, right?”
“Yes.”
“Will you make me a promise?”
“Yes, anything.”
“Will you keep in touch with my dad while I am gone? He needs something to keep him going. With My mom gone, and…..”
“I would love to get to know your dad better, don’t worry he will be fine.”
“Thank you. I love you, Jen.”
“I love you too. Ry.” My kiss lingers on the soft flesh of her forehead until my dad returns with the drinks.
The rest of the drive I sip on my Coke listening to my dad tell extremely embarrassing stories from my childhood, even ones I don’t remember, hearing his touch of sadness when the story involves my brother Robby.
I see the airport as my dad parks, the feeling of dread leaving them both to weigh heavily on my mind. Him and loneliness, Jenny, left alone to deal with her divorce from the jerk. I worry about leaving her unprotected with each step we take until the point of no return. Me, I have to cross into the security line, them, the two most important people in my life, will walk away.
“Jen, what if Martin comes after you and I’m not there?” The fear for her safety burns at the back of my throat as my fingers, twitch against her hip.
“We will be okay. Ryan, no one will know where I am living. There is no way for Martin or his family to find me. Please don’t worry. I will keep in touch with your dad, and I promise to write to you often.”
“Hey, son, you take care of yourself. We’ve got this. We will be there at graduation. Thirteen weeks.”
“Thirteen weeks.”
“Love you, son.”
“Love you too, Dad.”
He pulls me into a hug then turning to walk outside, leaving Jenny and I standing a few feet from the security line. I have never been a crier, except for losing my mom, the day Robby went to prison, and when I thought I had lost Jenny. But now holding her in my arms, wondering how I will make it when I can’t wake up to her smiling face every morning has me doubting the decision to get on this plane. Her small hand rests against my chest.
“Ryan Raines. I love you with my whole heart. There has never been a man that has made me more, proud. You are a devoted and honorable man, and I am proud to be the woman you love. You have nothing to fear. I will wait for you.” Tears stream down her cheeks as I press my lips to hers one last time before I turn to walk away.
“Mr. Raines.” I turn, two steps from security, her arms are open as I run back to her for one last hug to last me for what feels like a lifetime holding her in my arms, kissing her lips.
“I love you, Jenny Ryan. And one day soon I will change your name. You hear me, future Mrs. Raines?”
“Yes. Mr. Raines, I hear you.”
#
Jenny
My eyes track Ryan until he disappears behind the wall of security, peeling myself from my location assured now Ryan would not come running once more for another kiss. I catch up with Mr. Raines standing against the rail outside watching planes taking off, leaning next to him we stare into the distance until he breaks the silence.
“I miss the old days where you could walk your loved one to the terminal and stay until their plane took off, making saying goodbye much more final. This new way is weird. I mean he is in there sitting on the other side of security banned from either of us, but we can’t go get one last hug or conversation.” I smile, threading my hand through his arm, leaning my head against his shoulder.
“I miss my dad in times like these. He always knew exactly the right thing to say.”
“How long has he been gone?”
“A little over a year.”
“Sorry. It never gets easier.”
“Thanks. Nope, not one bit.”
“Did your dad like your husband?”
“Hated him. Thought he was a pompous ass. Told me not to marry him.” He chuckles. “Yep parents and their wisdom,” I add.
“What would your dad think about Ryan?”
“He would love him. He would tell me. Jenny, it is about time, you found the right guy to love.” I feel the vibration from his laughter bloom through his chest, shaking his body until I am not sure if he is laughing or sobbing. His words are quieter now.
“My Martha would have loved you too. I told her all about you.” Our eyes meet. “I talk to her every night before bed like I used to.”
“Ryan, told me once that what he wanted most out of a relationship is to be able to talk for hours like you, and his mom did.” He pats my hand, swallowing hard. “Come on. I will buy you a burger and fries. I believe a day like today we deserve something greasy and fattening to eat.” I giggle as we walk towards the truck. We are not out of the parking lot when my phone buzzes.
“It’s Ryan.” I place the call on speaker.
“Hey, I just wanted to tell my two favorite people I love you and thank you for encouraging me to follow my heart. And you two keep a look out for each other, and I will see you in ninety-one days. They are calling my flight.”
“Love you, Ryan.” I announce. His dad mumbles out something similar, and the call ends.
The soft strains of the radio, a station I recognize playing some of the songs my dad loved. I interrupt the silence between Rob and myself, murmuring the first thing that comes to mind.
“My dad loved this song.” Rob smiles.
“So did my Martha. She loved the classics. Etta James, Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Tony Bennett, Miles Davis and of course Ray Charles.” He sighs lost for a mile then adds. “She loved them all, more than I can remember. Listening to their voices takes me back.” Our eyes meet, different generations, different circumstances but the feelings, similar not to be missed. Loss. “How are you holding up?” I giggle. Ready to answer truthfully.
“Holding on by a bare thread. At any minute, I know I will lose it. Most likely, it will hit me tonight when I am alone. What do you miss the most about Ryan’s mom?” His chuckle, so much like the younger version of him, the man I love.
“Oh. A million things really, but the thing I miss the most is talking to her and hearing her voice. Things will be quieter without Ryan home.” I laugh.
“Oh? How loud is he?” I tease, determined to break the somber mood as Rob takes the next exit off the interstate, spying a large diner alongside a truck stop, parking.
“It doesn’t look like much from here, but they have the best food, trust me.” We step out of the truck.
“I trust you.”
Walking beside him, Rob holds the door open for me, making me miss my man but appreciating where he learned his manners. We take a seat at a booth, the sunshine streaming through the window leading me to wish the day was dark and raining to fit the mood I know is right around the corner. We both order burgers and onion rings, as the waitress walks away, Rob surprises me when he answers my question from earlier.
“Ryan never learned how to close a screen door. It slams shut. He also does that with cabinets, refrigerator, or even the washer lid.” I giggle as he proceeds to tell me more embarrassing details about the man I love with every ounce of my being. Rob is lost in memories while we eat, telling stories about Ryan and his brother and all the mischief they would get into when I finally reached the courage to ask for more.
“Rob. Ryan doesn’t talk about his brother much. More of he hinted that it was a sore subject. Would it be okay to ask you what happened?” He swallows hard, causing me to regret asking.
“Hey. It’s okay, sad, Robby had a lot of promise. He is a smart kid like Ryan; athletic could have done anything. The difference between my boys is Robby was unable to channel all that energy and drive. Where Ryan is quiet, reserved, he thinks things through with an enormous amount of patience.”
“He does. I would have given in to our relationship much sooner if it weren’t for him. You raised a good son. Ryan is honorable beyond measure.” Rob coughs, lifting the glass of tea to his lips draining down the amber liquid until his thirst appeared quenched and emotions were in check.
“Ryan loves you, and that is what gave him the strength to wait. He saw a goal, and he had the patience to wait for something special. Something Rob never was able to do, seeing something, taking what he wanted. And it all caught up with him. He hadn’t been sixteen that long when he and his buddies stole a car. Robby, he was the one driving, they headed down the highway towards Jefferson county. Shit, he hadn’t had his license that long but both boys started driving young around the shop, moving cars and such.”
I nodded, dreading where this conversation was heading. Rob used his rough-calloused hands, signs of years of hard work, wiping the hurt and worry from his face before continuing. “So, um Rob was driving, speeding and lost control of the car hitting a man on his way from work. The guy was thirty-years-old, had two babies at home. He died instantly.” My hand hovers over my quivering lip, feeling the horror for both families, both who suffered a loss that day. “Robby got fifteen years. He is upstate. I drive up and see him once-a-month.”
Chapter 25
Jenny
Rob drops me off at the condo, after making plans to keep in touch. I promise to send him my new address and plans to get together in the future. I walk into the once again empty condo, reaching the couch where Ryan left his hooded sweatshirt the night before, insisting he wanted to be able to picture me wearing it when I hike or even to watch television. Slipping on the soft and worn material, I succumb to the fight now allowing the tears I managed to keep at bay since the airport, now run down my cheeks in streams.
Merrilee finds me on the couch, curled under the smell of my man and a blanket. Her words interrupt my stupor.
“Hey, come on, let’s break out the wine.” I need to confess. My best friend will think I have lost my ever-loving mind. Shaking my head, no to her invitation, watching her over the edge of the sofa, I wait until she has filled her glass with white wine. She brings the bottle with her, sitting down beside me on the couch.
“You sure you don’t want any?” I shake my head.
“You need to drink that wine because you will think I am nuts once I start talking.” Shaking her head, Merrilee doesn’t argue for the first time since we became friends in college; she does what I ask her to do.
“Okay. I am ready.” Drinking down the first glass, then refilling.
“Okay, first off it was a magical weekend and yes before you ask the sex was off the charts, better than anything I have had before.” Her jaw drops.
“I knew he would be hot in bed.”
“So, not appropriate,” I respond.
“Sorry. Tell me things got serious.” A lone tear snakes its way down my cheek to drip off my jaw, reminding me of Ryan’s tiny kisses following my jaw to the tender area behind my ear. I shiver.
“I asked him not to use protection.” Wincing. Her eyes open wide, jaw-dropping, allowing a drop of wine to dribble down her chin. “And no before you ask, I am not worried about catching anything. Ryan and I had the safe sex conversation months ago when we knew we were waiting for graduation night.” Her skeptical expression has me explaining. “Look just because every girl on campus wanted him didn’t mean he slept around. He didn’t, and we shared our test results.” When no sounds escape past her lips, I continue. “Before you ask why I will tell you I wanted nothing ever between us again, even if it was a small amount of rubber.” Her head, nods, and shakes.
“Jen. I understand the whole allure from going bare and all, but girl, did you forget you have not been on birth control for over a year? Or am I losing my mind here and you resumed without telling me?” Tucking my bottom lip between my teeth, shaking my head, acknowledging her first assumption.
“No, I am telling you everything. There was no reason to resume birth control after months of failed pregnancy attempts. And with Ryan, there is no need to try to prevent if it would even happen. I mean the chances have to be so low. Look Martin, and I tried for six months last year with no success. I highly doubt one weekend with Ryan could find me pregnant.” I announce with a frown while my body was busy doing a secret happy dance at the possibility.
“What? Where are you in your cycle?" I hold up my hand, unable to say the words. My best friend continues to pepper me with questions, my answer a nod. Unable to determine if she was irritated, angry, or sad.
“What can I say? I thought the weekend was off until Mr. Raines came to the house. Then I reacted, packing a bag, and leaving for graduation.” I shrug my shoulders. “Surely one weekend could not have done what never happened before.” I joke with myself still unable to think of the possibilities. When I do, the future does not look as bleak as I had imagined.
“When did you realize? Did you tell Ryan?” She peppers me with more questions.
“Hold on. No, I didn’t tell Ryan because I did not think about it until I got home and began packing another box.” I just now lied to my best friend, something that has become too much of a habit. I did think about the possibility while lying in bed with my love on top of me. I relished his weight, the touching, the kisses, and the connection. With nothing between us, on the off chance, we created a baby would be nothing short of miraculous, and I would cherish every second of growing Ryan’s baby inside of me. How could I tell him when he mentioned the idea of someday having children that I might not be able to give him what he wants?
“There is something else going on, and you need to tell me,” She insists until I confess, official word vomit spewing from my lips admitting the fears of not being able to give Ryan a baby after he hinted, he would love the chance.
“What if the doctor was wrong and there is something wrong with me? Mer. I could never give Ryan a family.” Merrilee’s expression softens as she cuddles up close to me, understanding the feelings I have long held within.
“How long?” My brain is tied up in my memories, each touch, laugh, kiss, his scent. Unable to comprehend her question. “How long did he sign for?” She asks again.
“Four years.” My best friend pulls me close on the couch, kissing my forehead.
“Jen, you would want the baby, right? I mean we don’t need to go buy one of those pills, do we?” I shake my head.
“No. If I am pregnant, then there is nothing more in this life that I would want more than to have Ryan’s baby.” I take a sip of water, then returning the glass to the end table. “Mer, please don’t let me get my hopes up, I can’t stand that kind of pain right now.”
“Before you start the gloom and doom stuff believing you are barren for life, let’s propose for a moment you could be pregnant. Would you keep the baby even if he isn’t here?”
“Yes. I love him, and that doesn’t change because he joined the military.” Merrilee pulls me into a tight hug, comforting and cheering.
“Hey, we’ve got this. And if you do have a little bun in the oven, Auntie Merri will be the absolute best. I’m not leaving you.”
“Don’t get ahead of yourself. It is a little soon to make plans.” I scrunch my lips.
“No way that isn’t possible. Martin is a tool and his defective sperm from all the years of drinking, that was the problem. Now, Ryan, on the other hand, is a walking specimen for sex-on-a-stick. I bet he didn’t even wank off all those months you had him tied in knots. He had to have filled you up. He is too healthy. I bet you two made a baby for sure.” I can’t stop the crazy heat rushing to my cheeks. Her laughter stops. “What?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh, shit I am right, aren’t I?” I get up to pull an apple from the refrigerator, neither confirming nor denying her revelation.
#
Jenny
The house, packed, the moving truck is filled as is the back of my SUV with my most cherished belongings. My dad’s jacket is wrapped in a bag holding in Ryan’s scent for those nights when his hoodie alone is not enough to keep me from missing him. My computer is file after file of our memories together and some from before. Our new home is waiting with blank walls ready for some prints of my man and me.
I am not sure how time has flown by as fast as it has. One minute it was Monday night when I confessed my revelation that I might be pregnant, and the next thing it is Thursday the movers are here, and the condo is empty except for the few necessities I need to stay one more night. Merrilee roared off in her candy apple red sports car following the movers to our new home two hours away. Me, I get one more night of the empty condo, to sleep on the floor and ready myself for the morning where I will steel my quaking nerves to sit in the same room as Martin.
Friday dawns bright and clear. Shit another beautiful sunny day. Why can’t it rain all summer long while I sit and feel sorry for myself missing Ryan?
Parking, I smooth down my summer pants and blouse, fingers caress my bare ring finger saying a prayer for the quick resolution of the marriage that was a mistake. I walk into the courthouse building, ready to deal with my past.
Squaring my shoulders, I step off the elevator, alert the receptionist to my arrival, passing the waiting room chairs, preferring to stand near the window, my focus on the signs of summer.
“Mrs. Stephenson.” I haven’t thought of myself as that same person for such a long time, causing me to delay my turning around. “Mam if you follow me.” Silence is my defense.
“Jenny. How are you?” My lawyer greets me outside the conference room door.
