Devotion: For Love or Honor, page 23
Chapter 20
May
Jenny
The weeks since prom has trickled by, going through the motions of my life while the world transforms around me, spring has sprung and yet I can’t bring myself to smile. When I am not mourning the loss of time with Ryan, I filter all calls through my phone. Call after call from Martin and his family have caused their numbers all now added to the auto-block list. Unfortunately, because Martin must have two choices of phones in the county jail, it took me a few times of answering only to hear the operator informing me of a call from a prisoner. Horrific for me those three times when I could listen to his harsh words and opinion of me before I was able to disconnect the call. Merrilee tried to get me to change my phone number, but I had already used my current number on the contact information I used to apply for five different jobs. Fighting down the fear of not being able to secure a new position before my last paycheck in August but knowing I need to get out of this town.
My relationship with my mother has been more strained than usual, full of unsolicited advice where the subject of Martin and his family even going as far as making excuses for his violent behavior. I end each call more frustrated then before, vowing to alter my decision to go on and change my number and then neglecting to provide the new digits to my mother nor my sisters. I can go months without hearing from either of my older sisters, both more successful than me as she reminds me frequently.
Alice a corporate attorney, and Ella, a physician both manage to have demanding careers, and can handle their husbands. My mother took great lengths in listing all their accomplishments this morning before I made an excuse to end the call. As the official baby of the family, I grew up with the ideal that I had been an accident that although my dad was over-the-moon full of happiness with another baby, that feeling did not reach my mother.
I endured her criticisms from the youngest of my childhood memories. Too fat, too skinny. Stand up straight Jennifer. Well, you have some B’s and A’s, but I believe you can do better and bring home all A’s next time. Don’t you? Once I entered high school, my life as I knew it was over. See in junior high or middle school it was much easier to ignore me with Alice and Ella in high school, cheer squad, tennis, and debate team. They both managed straight A’s and always dated the top of the high school athletic teams. Alice, the quarterback, and Ella, the pitcher. Both with my mom’s blond hair, slender curves, and in-grained born elegance. Me on the other hand by the time I entered high school they were both off at college and my mother still spent an enormous amount of time focused on them notably when they pledged to the very same sorority as her.
Me on the other hand, barely dated in high school while maintaining high B average; I spent my time running track which came in handy when I secured a four-year track scholarship to the university where I met Martin. The award was my saving grace because, by the time I applied to college, my parents broke from helping my sisters until they both reached their graduate programs. See medical and law school are not cheap, somehow my mother managed to make enough loans to pay for half for each sister leaving them with the balance.
My choices were limited; four years at the university were plenty. I can’t help but wonder now as I look back throughout my life if rushing into the relationship with Martin and subsequent marriage had anything to do with both of my sisters wed successful men precisely one year before me.
Sipping my glass of wine, sitting on the small patio off Merrilee’s condo while I reflect on my life and the many changes yet to come, I can’t help but think of Ryan, relishing the memories of our short time together. With each day, the pain of prom night eases, but the memory lingers.
#
Ryan
I am not sure how time has managed to pass in a blur, while I get up each morning caught up in restless dreams of Jenny, I dress for class suffering through the two hours a day only to end up at work. It took my dad sitting me down and demanding answers for me to wake-up, formulate a plan for my future before it is much too late.
“Son. What are you going to do?”
“What?”
“Ryan. Graduation is in three days, and you and Jenny still are not talking. Are you planning on not settling all of this before you leave on Monday?” I shake my head at my own disgust. His hand clamps down on my shoulder, I am not a small guy, but my dad still has two inches on me, and thirty pounds full of solid muscle plus he knows how to fight. If he wanted to put me in my place, he could have done it a long time ago. “Look, son, I love you more than anything and what I wouldn’t do to have your mother here to help with girl problems. I am trying my best.”
“I know dad.”
“I do know what your mom would say.” Our eyes meet, holding my gaze. “She would tell you are the worse kind-of-fool to let true love disappear over a stupid disagreement.” Out of all the things he could have said that was not what I was expecting.
“Dad. I betrayed her. It wasn’t a disagreement. I let her down.” In more ways than one.
“No, I think it was more of misunderstanding. I still don’t believe you did anything with that girl. You love Jenny too much, have since the first day of class this year. Ha, you think I didn’t, notice? It was obvious.” I shake my head, wanting to walk away. I didn’t want to hear this, how my dad knows what true love is because he had it with my mom. I messed it up, taking full responsibility for the failure of us making it until graduation night. How do I look Jenny in the eye again after the way I treated her on the dance floor? It wasn’t bad enough that I may have messed around with another girl, but I then managed to take out my frustration on the woman I love most of all. “Son look you forget I met Jenny. I talked to her. I could hear the way she felt about you in her words.”
“Yea dad felt. She used to until I screwed it up. Don’t you see I fucked up the best thing that has ever happened in my life.”
“I don’t believe that. It’s not over; you still have a chance to make this right.”
I listen to his reasoning along with stories about him and my mom until my eyes burn from missing her so much and yet sore from the laughing at their misadventures, what I wouldn’t do for a love like that.
“Sounds as if you have two days to fix this.”
I leave my dad at home, armed with a plan to make this all up to Jenny.
Chapter 21
Jenny
“I got more boxes.” I hear her from downstairs. The movers arrive Tuesday morning to load, we had planned on having most of the small items packed by Monday. Merrilee and I found a three-bedroom home halfway between my new job and hers. I heard back from the Harrisburg Chronical two days after I sent my resume, then a quick two-hour drive one day after school for a face-to-face interview and I was offered the job on the spot for an assistant creative director. Merrilee applied and interviewed for the tenth-grade teaching position at one of their high schools. She is faithful to her word, deciding to follow me to a new town and new life. “Jen. You have company.” Hearing those simple words sends a thrill running through me with hopes that it might be Ryan. We have hardly spoken since the day they pulled him into the office. I decided it was safer to cut all ties if nothing else to lessen the speculation.
I never heard what happened with Mia. The rumors were rampant for two weeks after prom circling like a band of savages around the wagon train looking for victims until they moved onto fresh meat when another student messed up by getting too drunk at a party. Ryan as far as I know spent the last month of his senior year safely at home, and not with me where he belonged.
I want to trust him again. And in my mind, what does it matter if he did happen to do something with that girl. Heck for that matter we had not managed to define our relationship other than promises to wait until graduation night. Tonight is the night I should have been making plans to be together. Instead, I am packing boxes trying not to dissolve in tears. My laptop is open to a revolving screen saver of photos of him and our times together. I take one last glance before I take the steps still hoping it is Ryan at the bottom of the stairs.
“Mr. Raines?”
“Jenny. I am sorry to bother you. But we need to talk.” I nod, moving to the sofa where Merrilee joins us on the other side of me. “I wanted you to know I never had a problem with you and Ryan. I trust my son, and even though I don’t know you well, I do trust you with his heart.” I swallow hard. Merrilee squeezes my knee. “When Ryan told me about the promise you two made to each other, I could not have been prouder of him. For that reason, when the principal phoned me, I confirmed you brought him home after drinking. Even though I knew he was here, I trust that there would not have been a difference with the outcome.” I nod, setting his concerns to rest. “Ryan has been struggling these past few weeks without you, and the time you spend together, it has hit him hard. I sense that you would have forgiven him if you thought he did do something with that girl on prom night. Am I right?” The feelings I managed to control all day now releases as fat, watery tears drop down my cheeks.
“Yes. I know him well enough to believe, the heavy drinking and what may or may not have happened in the hotel room is not Ryan, the man I fell in love with.” The incident with his son on the dance floor will forever remain a secret, choosing to believe it was the effects of the alcohol magnifying his frustrations leading him to act out irrationally. “I have forgiven him for prom night.”
“I had a feeling it is him not being able to forgive himself. This is the reason I pushed him into finding out what truly happened that night.” Mr. Raines pulls a small recorder from his pocket. “Jenny, he has no idea I am here or that I am letting you hear this.” I hear Ryan’s clear, confident voice over the recording, making me miss him even more if that is possible.
“Mia. Open up; I know you are there.” I hear several loud knocks. “Mia. Now.”
“What the fuck do you want?”
“To talk to you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want the truth?” She laughs.
“You still don’t remember, do you?”
“Do you really want to end high school like this. I know it was you that reported Mrs. Stephenson and me to the principal.” She laughs again.
“What about it. You left me upstairs and went running off to her.”
“What does it matter. I never dated you.”
“Ryan, I tried all these years to get your attention. Never once did you look at me the way you look at her. What does she have that I don’t?”
“Mia it’s not a contest. Love, well it doesn’t work that way. You can’t control who you love. You don’t care about me. We don’t know each other the way two people should when they care. Don’t you see you will go off to college and some great guy will sweep you off your feet, and you will never remember my name? But to get there to that happy place you need to stop hurting people. Can’t you see that?”
My hands hover over my lips, waiting on bated breath to hear the outcome.
#
Ryan
My dad adjusts the cap on my head, smoothing the graduation gown over my shoulders while his eyes glisten with emotion. I feel it also. Monday, I leave knowing it will be thirteen weeks until I will be able to see him again. Jenny is a whisper against my lips after trying to call several times today. So many plans down the drain, hopes, and fears flushed along with everything I had envisioned for the next two nights. I want to tell my dad to let Uncle Jim know I will not need the cabin this weekend. The food I bought, the fresh sheets on the bed, even the vase of flowers sitting on the table, driving the hour early this morning to set everything up with the plan for Jenny and me to leave tonight after the ceremony.
I drove by the condo on my way back from the cabin, neither her nor Merrilee’s cars were there, but what hurt the most was when I happened to look through the open blind to the kitchen table where Jenny and I spent time, now boxes sit. Jenny must be leaving, me worrying without knowing the truth is futile.
My dad stands next to me, before we separate, him to the bleachers above the fifty-yard line where I expect him to be, and me to the procession of graduates ready for the next step. But there is one thing I forgot to do, in my rush to ready the cabin for my girl, yet still unsure if she will ever see my preparations, I have one last task unfinished, I touch my hand to my dad’s arm.
“Dad. I need to tell you something.” His brows arch. I pull a receipt from my pocket. “Can you hold onto this for me?” His eyes scan the piece of paper, I see the recognition cross his features when his eyes focus in on the word ring and amount.
“Ryan?”
“I put a ring in lay-a-way. The receipt shows how much I have paid and my balance. If I don’t come back....” The words die on my tongue, clearing my throat. “If I can’t get back to get the ring out before the deadline for any reason can you get the ring to Jenny?” His eyes shimmer before he clears his throat.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. No matter what happens, I want her to have it. Please. It doesn’t matter if this works out or not; it is her ring.” My dad pulls me into a hug, the piece of paper clutched tightly in his fist.
“I promise.”
“Thank you, dad.”
“One question, tell me I haven’t been paying you that much?” I shake my head laughing. “Your photography money?” I nod. “Ryan. You spent your award money from the contest?” I nod again.
“And the money I earned as Jenny’s assistant for the weddings. I was planning on proposing after boot camp.” His hand grips my shoulder with a squeeze before he disappears into the crowd.
Today I am going through the motions, hearing the voices, the cheering void of my own emotion, without the two women in my life that should be here. One would have given anything, to watch this momentous event and to meet the girl of my dreams but heaven called first, giving her no choice in the matter. The other, my girl who I will forever spend the remainder of my days thinking of her that way, through my mistakes has made her choice leaving me to believe it is what is best for her. I still my racing heart, eyes searching the crowd, our line moves towards the seats in the middle of the field, for my dad, and the rest of the family.
The speaker talks about looking forward to the future to tuck away the fond memories of our youth as I wait until I feel the urge to scream. Unable to break the sour bundle churning inside my gut.
The announcer calls name after name as the line moves forward; I am standing to the side of the stage, the few p’s and q’s ahead of me when my eyes drift across the crowd, my breath hitches in the back of my throat. I can see my dad standing ready for me to cross the stage; he is on the fifth row.
He was easy to spot from the fifty-yard line all I had to do was allow myself to look while I spouted out the game plan to my teammates, and I knew the world was all right. Tonight, he is in the same spot, and I can’t understand why I did not think to look before now. His eye contact breaks from mine when he looks straight down beside him, his hand outstretched.
My heart races, breath hitches, stomach lurches; I can see her stand-up next to my dad. Her shiny chocolate hair shimmers underneath the stadium lights, through the sadness of blurry eyes, I feel the chance for happiness when I see her hand lift as it has done many times. My hand follows suit until I hear my name, and I step onto the stage. Rising above the yelling, and clapping, I hear her voice.
“I love you, Ryan.”
#
Jenny
Hearing the recording of Mia admitting to everything, sobering; a part of me relieved by the revelation that nothing happened between her and Ryan, but that means I never truly trusted the man I love. My question is, will he ever be able to forgive me?
Rob points to the line of students entering the field, quickly spotting the one we are here to watch. I study Ryan’s body language as I speculate as does his dad. Frequently, Merrilee squeezes my leg through the fabric of my gray dress slacks, offering reassurance.
It is when the object of my affection is standing mere steps away from the stage with a few others in front of him, his gaze returns to his dad standing next to me. I watch as my love’s face turns from the solemn stoic tormented soul of the past few weeks, lifting, lightening with recognition as his dad points down to me. As soon as I see his eyebrow lift in question, I manage to lift myself to standing position on shaking limbs until our eyes meet across the field as time stands still hovering and familiar. I wait as he breaks the invisible line forming between us as he is moved further until he is taking the steps, raising my voice above the others announcing my true feelings.
“I love you, Ryan.”
Immediately after the words leave my mouth, I press the tips of my fingers to my lips. We hear his name called above our shouts lost in the crowd, cheering, proving him the favorite among his peers.
“I can’t believe you did that.” Merrilee jokes hugging me to her body until I am laughing with her, even Rob gives me a wink causing my cheeks to heat once again.
“You don’t think he heard me, do you?” I know it is a little late to ask now, and why I am worrying after the deed is done but now feeling a bit embarrassed.
“Oh, honey, you have nothing to worry about.” My shoulders sag in short-lived relief. “He heard you.” My jaw drops as Mr. Raines laughs beside me. “His head turned straight towards you, and he smiled.”
Graduation is over, as friends and families rush onto the field to find their graduate. I not so unlike all the other girlfriends except up until today I was still technically his teacher, but now he is legally graduated, eighteen and I ceased to be his educator once grades finalized, over twenty-four hours before. I am behind Mr. Raines as the tall man confidently walks across the field towards Ryan, surrounded by girls, lots of girls.
